me again-please help

[Cowscockwithonions]

I posted a couple of months back about ending my EA relationship, I'm not sure if anyone remembers me.
I remember acrossthepond and Anyfucker posting with advice/ support

My ex is still living here- he said he is moving out after Xmas-he knows it's over.

Today has been awful- he's been extremely nice, whereas past Christmases he's been awful- short tempered and moaning at the kids over anything.
The worst thing is though,
I said I didn't want any presents, I know he'd already bought me a couple of little bits 'from the kids', which I was ok with, as the kids wanted to buy me things.
So I bought him a couple of token presents from the kids- socks and chocolate.
He gave me the kids presents, then said he had also bought me some things which he wasn't going to give me as they were "inappropriate, given the circumstances", apparantly he bought them before we split.

Then, in front of the kids, he gave me the presents, knowing that i couldn't say "no I'm not accepting them" as he would act all hard done by and the kids would feel sorry for him.
He'd bought me a diamond ring , plus some very expensive presents.
Why did he do this? He knows we're over- I know he just wanted to make me feel bad, but why do it in front of the kids
I spent a tenner max on his presents from the kids, he spent about £600, according to the kids- he told them.
My head is so fucked up right now, the last few weeks we have been civil, and he did say that he's going to move out, so why, why why did he do this?
Not sure why I'm posting, I already know that he's doing it to make me feel guilty, guess I just wanted to sound off.
Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very fragile at the moment, I feel like the nastiest person in the world

It's been a tense few days- the kids have kept me going though
I just spoke to ex on the phone- he has the car (which I need) and his cash card where our tax credits get paid into.
He sounded broken on the phone, he's been sleeping in the car- I suggested places for him to go.
He said he'll bring the car back, and I asked him where he'd sleep then- he said he'd walk the streets.
I told him that he owes it to dsd and ds to look after himself- he said he doesn't care anymore and that his life has been destroyed.
I feel awful, I can't help it, someone please tell me that it's normal for me to feel like this.

Yes you are normal to feel awful, he is completely playing every card in his book to get you to take him back.

He has options to go elsewhere but he is convinced that he can make you feel bad enough to take him back which is what he wants...

Stay strong and disengage from him,

Totally normal to feel awful- shows you are a decent human being.

Turning the emotional thumbscrews to make someone else feel awful, as you ex is doing, that says something else entirely.

Stay strong CowsCock

Him saying his life has been destroyed got me- it was me that destroyed it

Him saying his life has been destroyed got me- it was me that destroyed it

He is a master manipulator and you are feeling exactly what he wants you to feel. He has money and has no need to walk the bloody streets! You need to call tax credits and get them paid into a different account.

No, he destroyed it due to the way he was treating you and your DC. His actions, not yours.

He's destroyed your marriage because of his own behaviour.
His life is what he makes of it.

Stay strong OP and remember that sometimes as a parent we do look like the bad guy, but you're in it for the long, long haul with your DCs and it's all going to come right in the end

The tax credits are due to be paid tomorrow, so I'd imagine they would have already been released to the bank.
The tax credits are in his name- I'll have to change them to my name as I have a nationwide account, and they won't accept benefit payments in someone else's name.
I highly doubt that he'd with hold the money from me- he'd be affecting me and the children- surely he wouldn't see his children starve?
Everything's so up in the air at the moment- I have no idea what the future holds, and I'm scared to death.
Firstly, I need to find a job- which I'm happy to, but not sure how I'm going to find one- I don't have any qualifications, and I'm a nervous wreck at the moment.
It just feels that nothing's going to ever be alright anymore

Cows, I just wanted to offer my support.

I'm reading your thread and its so similar to what happened to me with ex-P 4 years ago.

Your ex is behaving by the BOOK. He is doing exactly the same as my ex did. Lets make an EA dickhead checklist:

"Cancer" scares.
Showing of "commitment" with a ring.
Using the kids as a weapon.
Involving other people to shame you into compliance.
Being dead nice one minute, then guiliting you the next. "Do you need the car? I'll give it up to you and sleep in the rain because I'm so NICE and you are horrible "
Life not worth living/wanting to die (My ex told me that when he killed himself it would be my fault).

None of this is to do with you, nor your responsibility. You can and will get through this. Ironically, as devastated and "suicidal" my ex was, he was married to someone else within 10 months. We had been together 9 years. It's all about control of you and nothing else.

Here is my thread from the time. Just so you know you aren't alone in being treated this way.

I need to repeat: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT AND NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. He's a bully. Don't let him break you, you're doing so well. Have the life you want to have with your children.

Stay strong!

And also to add: It WILL be alright, and you WILL be happy. I can promise you that.

You're overwhelmed. This is why by this evening he'll be back in the house because it's so overwhelming. You'll justify it in your head and make him promise it's just for a few days and he'll do the grateful dog routine and in a weeks time I'll all be forgotten about.... Until the next time you want out and it's a million times harder.

Let him drop the card and car off and wave him off. Have someone there with you to keep you strong. Read your thread back to yourself from the beginning and remember.

Thanku cheesy, I'll take a look at your thread.

It's not helping matters either that my dsd is starting to wind me up- she knows exactly which buttons to push, and can be extremely rude.
I'm trying my best to bite my tongue with her- I know if I lose my tag and it turns into an argument she'll be straight on the phone to her dad bad mouthing me.

Rag not tag

Just read your thread cheesy, sounds awful, and a lot like what I'm going through, when did he leave you alone?

Deep breath, deep breath. Relax.

This is just another step to be taken. Call him and tell him you want the car and card today, tomorrow at the latest. Get your dad to come round and be there when he drops off the car and card. Do NOT let him in the house. Better yet, arrange to meet him at a coffee shop or other public place to pick up the keys and card.

Today do whatever you need to get the tax credit changed. Not in the UK so have no idea, but can it be done online?

Ignore his rhetoric. He's not going to be 'walking the streets'. He doesn't feel his life 'has been destroyed'. That's the biggest self-serving pile of shite I've ever heard! Everything that comes out of his mouth is calculated to upset you and make you feel guilty. Don't let him do this to you. It's been his modus operandi during your entire relationship, it's just that you haven't seen it til now because he's been able to be subtle about it and because you believed it. And because it's not working he's ramping up and making more and more outrageous statements to try to get his way. Just as a child starts with a quivering lip and if that doesn't work, ramps up until they're having a screaming tantrum.

As far as DSD, I understand that you don't want to get into it with her, but she does still have to be respectful and abide by the rules. Remind her of that. It also may be that she's feeling insecure and picking at you is her way of testing your love for her. Teens are weird that way!

….meet him at a public place with your dad or someone else there. Don't meet him alone. I don't think you risk physical harm, but you don't need a public 'scene'.

Just another one here reiterating that he's destroyed his own life, don't feel guilty that you've stood up to this bully and protected your kids.

Does his DD live with you full time? Or is it 50/50 with her mum?

Dsd lives with us full time- she doesn't see her mum due to drug problems.
He seems to enjoy feeling sorry for himself- he moans saying that he has no friends, and that no one invites him anywhere- but in the next breath says he doesn't want friends.
He always used to complain that he was starving, but there wasn't any food in the cupboards that he fancied- even when the cupboards were full, and despite the fact that when id go shopping I'd ask him what food he'd like me to buy for him- he always said "I don't know".
It just felt like nothing was ever good enough for him.

You didn't destroy his life Cowscock. Sounds like he's been pulling it apart himself brick by brick for a while. Just don't let him pull apart your life too.

Deep breath. You can do this.

Agree that you should meet him accompanied and in a public place to get the car and the card. Then sort out the tax credit situation asap.

Thing is, even if we meet in a public place, he'll have no qualms about causing a scene.
And if i suggest meeting in a public place- he'll start questioning me as to why we need to meet in a public place.
The only thing I can think of that might work, is if I meet him at my house- but then say me and the kids are going to see my parents, so I can't hang around. I haven't spoke to my dad about the latest developments because he's unwell at the moment- I don't want to stress him out when he's Ill

Thank you pit pat, yes he has done it himself- I'm just finding it hard to think clearly being in the midst of this crap.
It's a lot easier for outsiders to see the full picture and to give unbiased advice- that's why I find it a lifeline posting on here

No! Nononono! Not at your house. A public place without the kids there and you don't have to answer his questions as to why. And him causing a scene is exactly why it needs to be in a public place. Because if you're in a public place you can walk away from him or summon help if he starts in. But I'll bet he won't cause a scene. He'll probably start to 'ramp up' because in the past that's probably worked on you to get you to give in to avoid a scene. But I'll bet that he'll 'ramp down' before it gets out of hand when he sees that you don't care.

I can understand why you don't want to take your dad if he's been ill, but you do need to take someone, even if it's a friend who just stands nearby as a witness.