Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

me again-please help

450 replies

Cowscockwithonions · 25/12/2015 16:09

I posted a couple of months back about ending my EA relationship, I'm not sure if anyone remembers me.
I remember acrossthepond and Anyfucker posting with advice/ support

My ex is still living here- he said he is moving out after Xmas-he knows it's over.

Today has been awful- he's been extremely nice, whereas past Christmases he's been awful- short tempered and moaning at the kids over anything.
The worst thing is though,
I said I didn't want any presents, I know he'd already bought me a couple of little bits 'from the kids', which I was ok with, as the kids wanted to buy me things.
So I bought him a couple of token presents from the kids- socks and chocolate.
He gave me the kids presents, then said he had also bought me some things which he wasn't going to give me as they were "inappropriate, given the circumstances", apparantly he bought them before we split.

Then, in front of the kids, he gave me the presents, knowing that i couldn't say "no I'm not accepting them" as he would act all hard done by and the kids would feel sorry for him.
He'd bought me a diamond ring AngrySad , plus some very expensive presents.
Why did he do this? He knows we're over- I know he just wanted to make me feel bad, but why do it in front of the kids Sad
I spent a tenner max on his presents from the kids, he spent about £600, according to the kids- he told them.
My head is so fucked up right now, the last few weeks we have been civil, and he did say that he's going to move out, so why, why why did he do this?
Not sure why I'm posting, I already know that he's doing it to make me feel guilty, guess I just wanted to sound off.
Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very fragile at the moment, I feel like the nastiest person in the world

OP posts:
Jux · 25/12/2015 18:48

It is certainly not karma for past behaviour, get that out of your head right now.

He is simply an abusive arse. You do NOT deserve it. Stop thinking like that.

Keep all the valuable stuff and sell it. Buy something nice for yourself.

Are you sure he's going to go? I have read a lot of threads where the arse says he's going but quite simply doesn't, just keeps putting it off. There's nothing on the market, doesn't have the deposit, blah blah blah. Just delaying tactics.

How are you going to makehim go, if it comes to it?

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 25/12/2015 18:58

Jux, I can't help but think that i deserve this, my last relationship, before this was rubbish too, I was cheated on constantly- I was awful when I was a teenager, this must be payback.
If he doesn't leave, then I'll have to lie and say that I'm leaving ( we're in a private rent, i can stay as 4 of the children are mine, he only has 1 child so cannot afford the rent on the place we live) and hope that he realizes that if I leave then he will be evicted anyway.
I cannot afford to leave Sad

OP posts:
Destinysdaughter · 25/12/2015 21:03

This really ISNT your fault, it simply doesn't work like that. Only thing you can do for the future tho is to be very aware of red flags and not ignore them.

No one deserves to be abused in a relationship.

Jux · 25/12/2015 21:30

No, Cows, NO! It is not payback for some thing in your past. It really, really isn't.

Check out the Freedom Programme. You need to have your boundaries strengthened, and to recognise the red flags in people which warn you "this one's no good", and you need to understand that you deserve better. The Freedom Programme will help do that for you, and you will see that no one - NO ONE - deserves to be treated as you are.

Read the opening post of this thread too: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Read it again and again. She is talking to you.

Trystessa · 25/12/2015 23:32

Stay very strong my lovely he is manipulating you and using the kids so very very wrong , it is emotional abuse , I'm one to talk as I'm good at giving advice but not taking it ! However please do not go back on what you have decided , you are worth proper love not manipulation !
Sending lots of love and healing x

AnyFucker · 25/12/2015 23:37

The gift buying is more emotional manipulation

Well done for ending the relationship, but what has actually changed ?

As far as he is concerned he is going nowhere after christmas

Sum314 · 25/12/2015 23:50

Yes, very manipulative. He wants you to feel obliged to let him stay even though he knows it's not what you want.

So he doesn't care what you want! But he thinks a gift you didn't ask for will guilt you into ignoring what you want for his convenience.

Trystessa · 25/12/2015 23:55

Ok I'm back again he's at it again , nasty evil words , running me down after telling me his ex chatted him up at a funeral I was with him the other day , he said he told her politely he wasn't interested but it's sowed the seed of doubt in my mind because this happened before when she was there at a wedding , I've told him it's up to him to sort it and I will never lower myself to argue with another woman over a man ! I think I'm going through the menopause too so feeling really shit about myself , he then got v angry with me when I tried to tell him about how I was feeling ill etc , said it was all about me and was sick of me etc bloody happy Xmas , I have had the conversation how this was not acceptable and he's all apologies today , happy days :(

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 26/12/2015 06:30

Anyfucker I'm not sure how I'm going to get him out- I got in touch with my landlord, who told me that I can't remove his name from the tenancy without his permission.
My dad said to sit tight and he'll eventually get fed up and move out.
I've told so many people in rl about this and asked for advice, but everyone seems at a loss as to what I should do.

Thank you to all of you for the support, it's helping a lot.

What exactly is the freedom programme? Do I have to pay for it? Does it help?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 26/12/2015 06:31

Tessa I'm sorry you're going through a shit time too Thanks

OP posts:
ImtheChristmasCarcass · 26/12/2015 08:01

Cows you don't deserve anything of the sort! I daresay every woman (and men too) have had at least one relationship in which they were 'not very nice' when they were young. I know I did. So please don't believe you are getting some type of 'cosmic payback' because you aren't.

But here's the thing; it may be that you need to change the type of men you're attracted to. You know, the 'bad boys'. After a couple of EA relationships I realized that in a way it wasn't them, it was me. Well, it was me being attracted to them in the first place. So I went to counseling to figure out why I was picking shit men. And I did figure it out. Now, I think you're probably some ways away from wanted to jump back into the dating pool, but if/when the time comes, spend some time beforehand thinking about what you want and what you don't want in a partner.

As far as the house goes, if there's no way to force him out then you'll have to make a decision. You can try to wait him out, but unless there's some way to make him really miserable, I'm afraid that may be futile. He has a lot more to lose by leaving than he does by staying. Sitting tight is easy to say, but you don't want to 'sit tight' your life away, waiting for him to leave.

Did you try talking to your landlord about the possibility of you moving out (back with your folks so you can save money) temporarily, your stbx having to give the place up, and you renting it right back?

AnyFucker · 26/12/2015 11:50

You can do the Freedom Programme online, look here

You are going to have to play hardball, love.

"Letting" him stay and playing a Happy Families Charade over Christmas was the wrong thing to do. You were probably advised against doing that.

if lots of your family and friends know now, I would enlist their help and actually start playing him at his own game. Get mobhanded on his arse. Make life so uncomfortable for him that he goes. Stop speaking to him completely, no more wifework where he is concerned. Stop pretending in front of other people, including the kids. Invite people over, let them keep telling he is making a fool of himself by hanging around like a bad smell and freeze him out.

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 26/12/2015 13:49

I think he's feeling pretty uncomfortable as it is, he's been sloping around feeling sorry for himself, isn't really eating, and has been back and forth to the drs the past couple of weeks over a possible "cancer scare", I'm not falling for it, I've heard it all before.
For some unknown reason he took the tree down and some christmas ornaments down- not so strange as we usually take them down Boxing Day, but he threw them all in the bin??? No temper tantrum, he just calmly put them in the bin saying they are no good.
Carcass, I did suggest to my landlord about other options, but tbh, they weren't too keen on ending the tenancy then evicting him- they're quite old people, and I don't think they want the stress of having to forcibly evict someone.
He knows that all my family know- and that's making him uncomfortable anyway.
Tbh, I know him, and I'm pretty sure that he'll cave in and leave.

OP posts:
TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 26/12/2015 13:58

Stay strong Cows he will escalate no doubt before he leaves.

AnyFucker · 26/12/2015 14:03

He might "cave in and leave" but not before he has fucked up your homelife lots more.

antimatter · 26/12/2015 14:09

Did you tell your mutual friends you are splitting?

He is trying to manipulate you yet can't help himself to control (throwing Christmas ornaments????)

If he can afford £600 gifts he can afford to move out.
Does he do his own laundry and cooking? Do you go out leaving him in charg of your kids. Or go away for whole weekends? Has he felt anything changing in his routine to move out?

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 26/12/2015 14:45

We don't have any mutual friends- he doesn't have any friends really. I think that says a lot.
I don't do anything for him, and I don't leave the kids with him anymore- I never have cooked for him really, my food wasn't 'good enough'.

OP posts:
ImtheChristmasCarcass · 26/12/2015 17:17

AF has a good point. You do need to be prepared that life will get pretty miserable. He's going to go from sloping around moaning and being martyr-ish to (once he realizes it isn't working) being vile and 'punishing'. He may realize at some point that he has to go, but he isn't going to go quietly. Whatever he has 'form' for will happen, magnified x 100. And he'll probably throw in a few 'new' bits and bobs along the way. It will happen, don't think that it won't.

I think you need to sit down by yourself and decide what may be the 'breaking point' for you. What behaviour will you absolutely NOT tolerate to the point of packing up and walking out. Think about the worst case scenario. Violence? Verbal abuse? Stealing? Sabotage? Blackmail? Trying to turn the children against you? Rule nothing out. I don't mean to frighten you, but you have to be realistic.

Once you've decided that, have a sit-down with your parents and tell them. Ask them to help you come up with a plan. It could be as simple as having a few 100 quid and a change of clothes at theirs, to an elaborate scheme of hidden accounts and disguises (not serious about the disguises, just trying to lighten the mood a bit).

Point is, you can't afford (emotionally or otherwise) to just float along waiting and hoping. You have to have a plan.

Dollius01 · 26/12/2015 17:44

Sell the diamond ring and use it for a deposit on a new place?

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 26/12/2015 18:02

Oh god- he's off on one- he's packed his things and is telling the kids that he has to leave because "mummy doesn't love me anymore".

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/12/2015 18:03

Give him a cheery wave and bolt the door behind him

This is what you want

Right ?

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 26/12/2015 18:03

He's telling ds4 that he's going and that he'll never see him again.
My dd13 sees me as the villain and said "how can you kick him out".

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/12/2015 18:06

Yeah blah blah

So long, motherfucker

Seriously, even if he fucks off for ever more (which he would never afford you the courtesy of doing) that would be better in the long run. That is some seriously shot parenting that drags innocent children into his abusive mind games.

Stick a bit of mistletoe in his hair and send him on his way

AnyFucker · 26/12/2015 18:07

shit parenting

Trystessa · 26/12/2015 18:12

This is one head fuck ! He wants everything his own way and he's actually doing the present thing in front of the kids , that's using the kids in his little scheme , he's a bad father too , what's the old saying if you love someone you would set them free ! This is not love for you or the kids it's manipulation , give the presents back ! Stick to what you decided , you deserve proper love and so do your kids , hang in there lovely it will get better eventually if you stick to your guns xx

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread