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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

me again-please help

450 replies

Cowscockwithonions · 25/12/2015 16:09

I posted a couple of months back about ending my EA relationship, I'm not sure if anyone remembers me.
I remember acrossthepond and Anyfucker posting with advice/ support

My ex is still living here- he said he is moving out after Xmas-he knows it's over.

Today has been awful- he's been extremely nice, whereas past Christmases he's been awful- short tempered and moaning at the kids over anything.
The worst thing is though,
I said I didn't want any presents, I know he'd already bought me a couple of little bits 'from the kids', which I was ok with, as the kids wanted to buy me things.
So I bought him a couple of token presents from the kids- socks and chocolate.
He gave me the kids presents, then said he had also bought me some things which he wasn't going to give me as they were "inappropriate, given the circumstances", apparantly he bought them before we split.

Then, in front of the kids, he gave me the presents, knowing that i couldn't say "no I'm not accepting them" as he would act all hard done by and the kids would feel sorry for him.
He'd bought me a diamond ring AngrySad , plus some very expensive presents.
Why did he do this? He knows we're over- I know he just wanted to make me feel bad, but why do it in front of the kids Sad
I spent a tenner max on his presents from the kids, he spent about £600, according to the kids- he told them.
My head is so fucked up right now, the last few weeks we have been civil, and he did say that he's going to move out, so why, why why did he do this?
Not sure why I'm posting, I already know that he's doing it to make me feel guilty, guess I just wanted to sound off.
Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very fragile at the moment, I feel like the nastiest person in the world

OP posts:
mix56 · 12/01/2016 21:30

Go Go Go girl
Idiot pathetic EXP, is just making a laughing stock out of himself, so when /if you reply to any calls, I suggest you practise your laugh.
I'm going to live on the street...... hahahaaaaaaaaa
I'm going to kill myself......hahaha, aaaaaaahaaaaa
I lost 2 HUNDRED quid .........hahahahaha o pleeeese stop it hurts.
I am going to quit my job...........if they don't junk you first hahahahahahah.
Don't fall for it.

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 12/01/2016 22:11

Random, I've applied for bus passes for the dcs, it won't be free as the school they attend is out of catchment, I don't mind paying though, although I'd prefer to take them myself, in the car, I really want the car back, I know that ex is going to make it difficult- he has so far- he knows that I need it, but he's making a big drama of it. I texted him yesterday explaining (politely) that I really need the car as the two youngest (one of which is his own son) are getting extremely wet and cold on the school run, despite being wrapped up and having umbrellas. He then turned up at my door, saying he needed to use the toilet- I said ok, and then he said to me "so you want the car back then?", I said, I thought you needed the toilet, then he stormed out.
I know I need to get the car back, I just don't want any more drama, this shit has been going on for long enough- I told him we were over in October, I've had an absolute gutfull of his crap, all his crying, ranting, and accusing and blaming. I just don't have the strength to deal with him anymore Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 12/01/2016 22:17

Mix, if I laughed at him he'd turn extremely nasty without a doubt, he was horrible to his dd14 on Sunday when she dared to argue with him, he really is a nasty piece of work, and a bully, at the moment, for the kids sake, I'm trying to be as civil and polite as possible- if it wasn't for the kids then id take your advice and laugh at him- because the shite he's coming out with is laughable really!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/01/2016 22:19

Yes I know, I understand.

Just assume you aren't getting it back I guess Sad

AnyFucker · 12/01/2016 22:20

He won't kill himself

He'll be like the proverbial creaking gate until you close him down properly

AcrossthePond55 · 12/01/2016 22:25

But you're going to have continuing drama until you get the car back. You're going to ask for it, he's going to fly off the handle to avoid giving it back. Rinse, repeat ad infinitum. Yes, there may be one large drama to deal with at the time you get it back but then that'll be the end of it. You'll have the car back. He won't be able to cause any more drama over you asking for it. Done and dusted.

Is the car in your sole name? Do you have a set of keys to the car? Do you know where it is during the day? Can you go get it? If the answer to these questions is 'yes', then go get it and send him a text afterwards. If the answer to questions 2 &/or 3 are 'no', then ask for the car back again. And when he shows up and says 'So you want the car back' say 'yes' and put your hand out for the keys.

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 12/01/2016 22:38

Across, I have no idea who's name the car is in, I don't have a key to it, and I have no idea where it is during the day. He has always dealt with all car related things, like insurance, tax and MOT.
He has shown me how selfish and uncaring he is by keeping the car despite the fact I've told him that his own son is going to school in wet clothes. The same son he claims to love and worship.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 12/01/2016 22:40

Anyfucker, what do you mean? How do I close him down properly?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/01/2016 22:49

TBH I think the car will be in his name so you don't really stand a chance of getting it back.

You close him down by not answering calls, not letting him in the house etc.

I would suggest emailing him with contact times for ds - Saturdays 12-4pm for example so he can take him out for the afternoon. Apart from opening the door to him at 12pm when he collects and 4pm when he drops back do not communicate with him at all.

Could be a good time to get a new mobile number...

AnyFucker · 12/01/2016 23:07

Cows, it is all over this thread right from the beginning how to close him down properly. Please don't make me type it all out again on my phone Brew

Rule number one. Stop taking his calls.

AnyFucker · 12/01/2016 23:09

And what RM said who is a quicker and more patient typist than me...

AcrossthePond55 · 13/01/2016 02:39

I think you need to find out whose name it's in. Perhaps someone on this thread who is in the UK can give you an idea of how to do that. Or I'll bet WA would know. Just out of curiosity, do you remember signing any papers at the dealership when you bought it?

As it stands I truly believe he has no intention of voluntarily giving you the car. Or even offering to share it with you. If nothing else, right now it's a carrot he's dangling in front of your nose, it's just another thing he can use to keep you 'needing' him.

mix56 · 13/01/2016 07:32

Strange, he doesn't say "I can't give it back because I'm living in it" !!

pocketsaviour · 13/01/2016 08:30

If the car was in his name, he would have already said "It's my car not yours", is my feeling.

As previously suggested, if OP rings 101 and explains the situation and asks for help to get the car back, the police will be able to see immediately who the car is registered to. Private individuals in the UK do not have an automatic right to search for driver details, unless OP wants to lie to DVLA and say the car is parked illegally on her land or something.

Jux · 13/01/2016 09:31

Cows, just stop acquiescing to his bollocks. He wants the loo? Well he can go to a public one, he can go at his hotel, he can go at work, he can go in a pub/cafe. But no, he uses it as an excuse to get in your house and guilt trip you or annoy you or have any sort of effect on you.

Demand the keys, NOW. Text him. "Give me the car key now. Today." Stop placating him. Don't worry about him.

Ring 101. Ask for help getting the car back.

Practise being uncompromising.

If he threatens suicide, you text/say "Your decision".

You'll be fine.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/01/2016 18:35

I'm too lazy to read back over the thread and I can't remember Grin. Have you seen a solicitor yet?

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 13/01/2016 19:08

Across, no I've not seen a solicitor, I can't afford to see one really.
He was supposed to be seeing ds tonight, he hasn't turned up and isn't answering his phone.

OP posts:
BetsyM00 · 13/01/2016 19:09

You can email DVLA to ask whose name the car is in. Details at the bottom of this page: www.gov.uk/request-information-from-dvla

AcrossthePond55 · 13/01/2016 19:45

You need to see one asap. There are solicitors who will do a 1/2 consult free of charge. I'd think WA would have a list of them or you could google around for solicitors near where you live. Just for the heck of it I put in 'Canterbury UK divorce free consultation' (I picked the first UK city that came to mind, other than London) and I got three that appear to offer free consults of 20-30 minutes and one that said 'low fixed fee' for 30 min consult. Give it a go for where you live. It can't hurt and you do need advice.

It doesn't mean you actually have to file papers or do anything, it just gives you an idea of where you stand and/or what to expect. You cannot be sure that he won't take it into his head to file once he realizes that you are not taking him back and you don't want to be broadsided. Forewarned is forearmed.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/01/2016 19:54

As far as him seeing DS, it's just another game he's playing. Making you sit and wonder if he's going to show up. He likes that it keeps him on your mind.

But then again, he may not show because he's afraid you'll ask for the car again and this time you'll insist on it! (Which you should do)

AnyFucker · 13/01/2016 19:58

He wants to make you think he's topped himself

he wouldn't be that cooperative

Original poster
Cowscockwithonions · 13/01/2016 20:10

He phoned from a with held number- saying that he didn't come to see ds as he's in a "bad way", he's been to the dr about a thyroid problem and is shaking all over.
I told him that he was being stupid not taking the place that the council has offered him, he said that he wasn't going to pay for a place where he had to sign in and out, where he can't have visitors. He also said that his life is pointless, I told him to pull himself together and think of his children.
He said that he has no one to talk to- I said that was his choice, he's said before that he doesn't want any friends, he then started crying and asked me why I was " having a go at him", so I hung up. He hasn't phoned back.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/01/2016 20:18

So he didn't turn up - well you don't phone him you just carry on with whatever plans you had.

He phones you (with held so you answer). He blabs to you about anything you just say "I'm not prepared to discuss ANYTHING with you, you need to email" and then hang up.

Why did you get into a dialogue about he was stupid to not take the place - no need, he is just keeping you hooked in. You need to completely and utterly detach from him. You are looking after his daughter with no help or support, all of the dc need to be your priority he needs to be an annoying person you see once per week when he collects ds for contact, nothing more!

AnyFucker · 13/01/2016 20:18

And there you were engaging with him again.

Hang up as soon as you hear his voice, if you insist on not blocking all his contact.

BonitaFangita · 13/01/2016 21:00

So sorry you're going through such a horrendous time Cows I can't really offer any relationship advise apart from trust in yourself, and stay strong for your kids. You seem to be doing really well, it must be tough standing up to such a manipulative person.
I came here to find out how your interview went and try to offer some advise from my own experience. I found myself in a situation a few years ago where I had been working for the same company for a while but had no formal qualifications and all of the computer systems I was used to were out of date and almost obsolete. I went for an interview and was completely unprepared and completely lost confidence.
I found out my local library has a job club which offered careers advice, helped update my CV and gave me information about training courses to gain the certification relevant for the jobs I was looking for. They also gave my tips for interview techniques, I got crib sheets for typical questions so that I could plan strong answers.
A lot of libraries offer this support but don't always advertise it. I know it might not be your priority right now, but when you're ready it's worth a shot, the support is great and usually free.

Good Luck Cows and know your worth. I'm sure good things are coming your way even if it doesn't feel like it right now

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