me again-please help

[Cowscockwithonions]

I posted a couple of months back about ending my EA relationship, I'm not sure if anyone remembers me.
I remember acrossthepond and Anyfucker posting with advice/ support

My ex is still living here- he said he is moving out after Xmas-he knows it's over.

Today has been awful- he's been extremely nice, whereas past Christmases he's been awful- short tempered and moaning at the kids over anything.
The worst thing is though,
I said I didn't want any presents, I know he'd already bought me a couple of little bits 'from the kids', which I was ok with, as the kids wanted to buy me things.
So I bought him a couple of token presents from the kids- socks and chocolate.
He gave me the kids presents, then said he had also bought me some things which he wasn't going to give me as they were "inappropriate, given the circumstances", apparantly he bought them before we split.

Then, in front of the kids, he gave me the presents, knowing that i couldn't say "no I'm not accepting them" as he would act all hard done by and the kids would feel sorry for him.
He'd bought me a diamond ring , plus some very expensive presents.
Why did he do this? He knows we're over- I know he just wanted to make me feel bad, but why do it in front of the kids
I spent a tenner max on his presents from the kids, he spent about £600, according to the kids- he told them.
My head is so fucked up right now, the last few weeks we have been civil, and he did say that he's going to move out, so why, why why did he do this?
Not sure why I'm posting, I already know that he's doing it to make me feel guilty, guess I just wanted to sound off.
Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very fragile at the moment, I feel like the nastiest person in the world

There will come a point where you will hang up instantly OP. It's coming.

just hang in there for the crescendo that is coming first.. Once you're over that it'll get somewhat easier if not tedious. You're doing alright.

So here we gooooo….the 'illness'. It's standard protocol, you know, geared to make you feel sorry for him and to keep him in your thoughts. Also, to avoid having to deal with the issue of the car.

I agree with not talking to him about his 'ishoos'. He needs to understand that you don't care about his housing, you don't care about his health, you don't care about his friends or lack thereof. Because as long as he thinks he's getting attention or 'head space' from you about his 'ishoos', he will never settle them. Why should he when not settling them is getting him what he wants? Don't ask him anything about himself.

As far as talking to him at all, that's up to you. I don't see any particular harm in it IF you can begin to control the conversations and NOT ask him about things that shouldn't concern you.

Him: I couldn't see DS because I'm in a bad way.

You: You may see him on Saturday from 4-6 instead.

Him: I've been to the Dr….thyroid…blah blah, yackety-smackety.

You: Shall I tell DS you'll see him Saturday then? Oh by the way, when you come I'll want you to leave the car.

Him: Why are you having a go at me. You know I have no one to talk to.

You: Let me know by text when you've made up your mind about Saturday. I'll need to know before 6pm on Friday night. Goodbye.

That's how you control the conversation. You do NOT respond to anything he says other than his answers to your questions about seeing DS or DSD.

Perfect, Across.

Cows, do that sort of single-minded conversation. You could send him a text saying aomething along the lines of "Please only contact me by text or email, and only with regard to your contact with ds and dsd." Then, if he contacts you any other way, ie by phoning, hang up. If he contacts you about anything else, ignore.

Don't delete things quite yet though.

Bonita, the interview went well- I think it did anyway, I was very nervous though, and am not 100% confident that I'll get the job.
I've not heard from ex today thankfully, I was at home all day and was very jumpy every time the phone rang or if a car pulled up, which is not good really, I should be able to relax in my own house!

I spoke too soon- he's been phoning me for the last half hour, he left a voicemail asking if I wanted anything from the supermarket as he happened to be there?!!. I'm ignoring his calls. I did send him a text saying that no, I didn't want anything from the supermarket. He's still trying to call me

"I want my car"

Next time he texts - do not reply, he is still hooking you in.

If you feel you must (why, why, why - he has no "right" for people to respond to him)

The only thing I want from you is my car park and then to never hear from you again apart from when collect ds for contact.

I wouldn't respond to anything other than questions directly to do with child access, returning the car, and necessary finances. But if you really feel you must reply, it should be a very short "No, thank you" or better yet, just "No". Don't explain or offer a reason.

I think it's getting to the point where you should probably tell him that you will not answer his calls, that all communications need to be via text or email. It's much easier to be assertive and to the point with the written word than it is when you are hearing the other party whine, snuffle, and bluster. It also prevents them from cutting you off when you're trying to speak your truth, and it seems to me he does that a lot!

The supermarket deal definitely had an ulterior motive. It could have been to provide an excuse to come to the house (to drop off whatever you 'needed'), to create the 'feeling' or illusion that you are still a couple, or to prove that you still 'need' him. After all what is more normal in a marriage than that phone call saying 'Do you need anything?'. Whether he wanted to create that feeling/illusion for himself or to try and rope you back in, I don't know. Probably both.

Addendum; The other advantage to the written word is that it doesn't require and immediate response. You can text "I'll get back to you shortly" and think about whatever the situation is first before you reply. It's harder to do that when someone is repeating "well, well, WELL?" in your ear.

Any news Cows ?

Ex has backed off a lot, I reckon he's found somewhere to stay- though I've asked him to bring the car back he still claims to be sleeping in it.
The last couple of days have been very emotional- I got the job at the fast food restaurant, and am panicking about it and wishing I didn't have to work there, at the moment I'm finding it hard to be upbeat and smile, and this is the sort of place where you need to be upbeat and smiley! I'm thinking I'll just fuck this job up and make loads of mistakes, and worrying that my co workers won't like me.
I've not been able to stop crying today, and I don't know why, I've just been sobbing.
And this evening, I found out that ds11's best friend (he doesn't have many friends) is moving schools, ds is so upset. I've tried to console him, (and haven't been crying in front of the kids) but they've been best friends since the age of 5, it's hit him hard.
It just feels like one thing after another

Write to twunt face and remind him how you are looking after HIS daughter as well as you DS and the very least he contribute is giving you back the car you need for their benefit!

Remember any change is scary so what you're feeling about the job is completely normal. Just go into it knowing that it's a learning process and no one expects you to know it all right away.

Have you been able to find out whose name is on the car reg? I agree he's living elsewhere and just doesn't want to give up the car.

I feel for your DS. I was a bit older when by BFF moved 500 miles away. It's just devastating to them at that age. All you can do is reassure him that you'll do all you can to insure that they keep contact with each other.

Across, at the moment, I've not been thinking much about the car- he's still insisting that he's living in it, I just don't care anymore, I feel like all the crap from the last few months has caught up with me, I've been putting on a brave face for the kids sakes, and being as stoic and nonchalant as possible when ex has been here crying and being a twat.
I've not had time to myself to just cry and feel sorry for myself, I don't know why I'm feeling so down at the moment, I suppose I feel sad that the relationship failed, and that I've failed by making such a poor choice of a partner- therefore letting my kids down.
I don't know what set me off today, but after I dropped the kids at school I cried so much, my eyes are actually sore from crying, and I'm not the crying type
I know I need to pull myself together, but with my ds being so sad as well, I just feel bloody hopeless, and completely pathetic and weak.

I am sure that DS being sad is the "drop" too many. So reassure him that he can Skype, & his friend can come on holiday to yours, & maybe he can go to the friend.
Friend is also certainly miserable...Best friends can surmount this, & do.
Tell him stories of how childhood friends are the best friends for life. (certainly were for me)...... Life is full of changes that you cannot control.
Courage Cows. You will be FINE in the job..... you listen & learn, & grow & build confidence. then move on & up
it's OK, you will be OK. It's excellent that you got the job, so bloody well done ....its no mean feat, & you should be patting yourself on the back .
Screw moronic XP. More of the same whining......bored of him !

Nothing can make us as sad as when our children are sad. And you've been so strong for so long now, it's only normal that your guard should drop at times. But crying or being sad doesn't mean you are weak. Far from it. It's a needed release and you'll be the better for getting some of it out of your system.

I have a feeling you'll feel a bit better tomorrow. Hot bath, clean jammies, and some hot milk or cocoa tonight. Cosset yourself a wee bit.

Well done! Great you got the job. OK so you're a bit nervous and wish it was something better, but it's a great start! You will be spending time away from home, surrounded by adults, you'll be busy and so you won't be able to spend much time thinking and worrying.i

Cows, your ds is very close to the age where children catch buses and trains to the big town and hang about at street corners by Smiths with their mates, until they get cold and then they all go home. Reassure ds that he can still see his friend at weekends, make it an adventure catching buses to his mate's house on a Saturday etc.

If you get the car back you'd be able to drive him over there too - another reason to get it back. Find out who it belongs to. At some point insurance and tax will need to be paid, if it's not in your name you won't have to worry about it, but if it is......

You said the car has not been on your radar, but it does need to be. It will make so much difference to your life and to the children's, too.

Being insistent with ex about it could give you a bit of a boost.

Still feeling sad and pathetic today, I feel extremely lonely and unloved- I know that sounds pathetic.
I keep seeing happy couples everywhere, and wonder why I've never had that.
I also feel angry that my life has turned out like this, at the moment I really can't see my self ever being happy again, I just feel like going to sleep and never waking up

NO. Your new job will completely get you out of Mummy/abused wife role.
It will be hard at first, & tiring possibly, but invigorating,& ego boosting & showing your jerk XP that you are capable & able to survive without him
Life WILL get better.
Your kids will admire your courage & know its for THEM that you are out at work.
Don't give up... you've come so far. COURAGE, When does the job start ?

Wishing you well OP.

I dont know the extent of everything, but remember it will get better.

Remember it's normal to feel a bit sad when life doesn't turn out like we planned. Just because we've left a totally shit situation, it doesn't necessarily follow that we're going to be jumping with joy (at first). It's the loss of the dream that makes us sad. We're happy that we're not being abused any longer of course, but we still had our dreams, didn't we? So don't feel bad about feeling bad. Just don't let it overwhelm you. And remember that you will never live that hell again. Don't expect too much of yourself. Life will get better and you will be happy again, but it takes time.

Just try to feel, I don't know if these are the right words, contented and peaceful. Contented that you have a roof over your head and food for your belly. Peaceful that your home is quiet and calm (as it can be with children, of course). That that 'waiting for the shoe to drop' feeling is pretty much gone from your everyday life.

I, too, think the new job will be great for you. You'll be out with people, you'll be busy, and your mind will be occupied.

Hello Cowscock

It will get better.

Look at how much you have achieved already. He is out of the house. He is contacting you less. You have gotten the tax credits changed to your name. YOU HAVE GOTTEN YOURSELF A JOB!

You have come such a remarkable distance in such a short space of time, all under your own steam, no wonder you feel a bit tired and emotional. Apart from anything else, the relief you feel from having him not there any more will be massive.

Plus you did so much to be able to support your family (tax credits and getting a job so quickly) that is is bound to be a bit of emotional release to have gotten to that relatively safe space (compared to a few weeks ago).

And of course now, having cleared all those hurdles so quickly and well, you get a wee bit daunted by all the new hurdles. If it helps, when I was studying, I worked in a similar fast food place (a pizza one). I loved it, stayed there for ages, got a social life from it, stayed in touch with some of the people for years after. I even got promoted a couple of times over the five years I was there and what they taught me about things like management, work flow, getting on with colleagues etc was hugely valuable to me at the time and when I moved on.

Well done and take care of yourself.

Thank you all so much for your support.
I'm feeling a bit more positive now, I had my welcome meeting for my new job, I should hear soon when I start. The uniform is awful though! I did have a bit of a wobble when I tried it on, there's a certain stigma attached to working at this place if you're over a certain age- even my kids said "aren't you embarrassed to be working at (insert fast food place here)". I said I wasn't as it was going to keep a roof over our heads and keep them clothed and fed!
Hopefully things will get better from now on, sometimes I still can't believe that I've come this far- I'd have never imagined myself ending the relationship and standing on my own two feet- I'd thought about it often enough, but I always thought it'd be impossible, not sure why.
All of you on here that have replied to my posts offering me support and advice have played a huge part in me getting out of the hellish "relationship". You've made me see that it was abusive- I never would have pictured myself in an abusive relationship- I always thought, well he's not beating me up, and every relationship has it's ups and downs,... Thank you to all of you

You're the bomb cowscock

Yeah go girls, so proud of you getting this job and kicking him to the curb