me again-please help

[Cowscockwithonions]

I posted a couple of months back about ending my EA relationship, I'm not sure if anyone remembers me.
I remember acrossthepond and Anyfucker posting with advice/ support

My ex is still living here- he said he is moving out after Xmas-he knows it's over.

Today has been awful- he's been extremely nice, whereas past Christmases he's been awful- short tempered and moaning at the kids over anything.
The worst thing is though,
I said I didn't want any presents, I know he'd already bought me a couple of little bits 'from the kids', which I was ok with, as the kids wanted to buy me things.
So I bought him a couple of token presents from the kids- socks and chocolate.
He gave me the kids presents, then said he had also bought me some things which he wasn't going to give me as they were "inappropriate, given the circumstances", apparantly he bought them before we split.

Then, in front of the kids, he gave me the presents, knowing that i couldn't say "no I'm not accepting them" as he would act all hard done by and the kids would feel sorry for him.
He'd bought me a diamond ring , plus some very expensive presents.
Why did he do this? He knows we're over- I know he just wanted to make me feel bad, but why do it in front of the kids
I spent a tenner max on his presents from the kids, he spent about £600, according to the kids- he told them.
My head is so fucked up right now, the last few weeks we have been civil, and he did say that he's going to move out, so why, why why did he do this?
Not sure why I'm posting, I already know that he's doing it to make me feel guilty, guess I just wanted to sound off.
Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very fragile at the moment, I feel like the nastiest person in the world

I think you are doing really well :)

Starbucks, McDonalds, Pizzahut....... who gives a damn, it's a job, & the kids should thank you for every meal they eat. It is a step on a ladder, there will be better placements, but for now, any fucking income is essential,
If they gave you this job, it shows that they don't think there's a stigma !
Children can be such bigots ! Well done cows !

My father once gave my brother down the country for making a snide remark about garbage collectors. He drilled into both of our heads that there is dignity in ANY paid work. It didn't matter if you were a grave digger or President of the United States, you deserved respect because you were earning your way instead of being 'a bum'.

So you hold your head up high. You are earning an honest dollar pound to put food on the table and a roof over your family's heads.

Morning cowscock

How is the new job going Cows ? I hope you are getting used to it.

What Across said. Dignity in work, any work.

Good on you!

I thought things were improving, I thought wrong. My dsd stole money from me- she's also been treating me like dirt, I told ex that he needed to find somewhere for them both to live- he still claims to be sleeping in the car. I always said that I'd never kick dsd out, and I won't, but I'm not having her stealing from me and disrespecting me, it's not fair, she's his responsibility, and I told him that he needs to find them somewhere to live ASAP, she can stay here until he finds them somewhere.
He then said that he'd take her to live in the car with him, then he said he'd hand her over to social services, which I said was unnecessary, and then came the suicide threats. He text me telling me to tell ds that he loved him, but he "can't do this anymore."

I hate to read and run. Just read and I'm so sorry this is happening!

He's trying to manipulate you. And remember that he sees DSD being with you as another way to keep insinuating himself into your life.

DH is tooting the car horn. You are in my thoughts.

I'm just so sick of this crap, I'm moving on with my life- he's choosing not to move on, he's been offered help from the council and refused it, I just want him to take his dd and get out of my life, it's not that simple though, he says he's sleeping in the car, so how could I let him take dsd? She needs some stability in her life, I just don't know what to do anymore

I take it you have his car reg? You could report his suicide threats to the police. This is what I usually advise when these threats crop up - and posters on here have done just that. Although in those instances, they had the ex's address, I imagine. Anyway, the police did go round to check up on said exes. They were fine - and made no more such threats.

Had they not been fine, the police would have been the one dealing. You can pass this responsibilty onto them by reporting.

*ones

• and it's not really your responsibility in the first place...

Tbh, I doubt he'll follow through on his suicide threats, and I just don't have the energy to worry about him anymore, he's a grown man, he can take care of himself- if he chooses to
end his life, then that's his decision, I know that sounds awful, cold and heartless, but I have to think of my children- he's put them through a lot of crap, all I care about now is making sure that they're ok

I think you ought to put him and dsd on social services radar tbh - it might give him the kick up the backside to admit he has somewhere to sleep.

Petals- I did say to him that social services will get involved if he takes dsd to 'live in the car', he said he doesn't give a shit, his relationship with dsd is crap really, she loves him a lot obviously, but he's never really shown her that he loves her.
I'm not sure what to do really, dsd is welcome (and always has been) to stay here, I just want her to respect me and be civil- she has trouble doing that, and threatens to tell her dad if I'm not doing as she wishes, for example, on Saturday, at lunchtime, I asked all five children whether they wanted beans on toast or egg on toast- she wanted neither- she usually has egg, but said that egg is "too fattening", I offered her beans- she refused. She got stroppy because I didn't have anything else to offer her for lunch.
Everyone else ate, then after they had crisps, she asked for crisps and I refused, and said that she didn't eat lunch, so she wouldn't have crisps, she then said that she would tell her dad that I was "starving her"

I don't think you sound awful or heartless. But he does. If someone really loves someone (as he says he does), they want them to be happy. Even if it means letting them go. You don't threaten suicide, you don't lie to them. You don't dump your child on them in order to be able to keep weaseling into their life.

I understand that you don't want to abandon DSD, but if she won't abide by your rules, she must face the consequences. Up to and including having to leave and go into care. To allow her to flout your rules and abuse your hospitality is teaching her that she doesn't have to obey rules. That rules don't apply to her. And, worst of all, she is learning to manipulate people who care about her into accepting it. Rather like her father, no?

Anyway, practical matters. First, the car. I know, I know. I keep harping on the car. BUT, imho, it's the key to forcing him to stop his manipulations. Once you have the car back he'll be forced to admit that he has accommodations. Have you made any leeway in finding out the titling?

Can you call the council and explain that you have his child and you need to know if he's somewhere he can take her? Play on the fact that you 'may' have to turn her over to SS if you can't find out. Tell them you aren't asking for his address, just whether or not he's been given shelter. Maybe the council will at least be able to tell you whether or not he's been put somewhere!

I was partly thinking that, if he really is sleeping in the car, then the police might look out for the car, and have a word with him re the suicide - which might galvanise him into action.

What they'd do if they just found the car empty near habitation, I have no idea.

*suicide threats
*action re finding accommodation

re DSD, Does it matter if she says she's going to tell him you are not feeding her ? Maybe if she hadn't stolen from you, you might have been able to provide an alternative.
You can say to her, that you were happy to have her stay when her father left. but she is there because you want to help her, but you have no obligation to & this will not continue if she is a thieving, scheming little bitch.
Her father says she can go & live in the car with him, so that is the other option.
XH needs to grow a pair, he has a daughter, & a son, & should be taking care of them, not whining about unsuitable lodging, he can take the lodging & then work at getting something better. he wrecked his marriage & now is paying the price. its what happens in grown up life.

Cows, don't give up, It will improve.....

mix has a point. Empty threat. Her dad 'can't'/doesn't want to have her and she's probably aware of that. Tell her to go ahead and tell him. Ask her what she thinks the result will be? Somehow she's got to be made to understand that her alternatives are behave, or end up in foster care.

Cowscock? Just when you think everything is settling down, life comes and bites you in the ass doesn't it?

Apologies if this is a bit long , your posts today really made me think.

Firstly though, how's the job going, have you started yet?

About your ex's suicide threats...agree with TheSilveryPussyCat that informing the police of the threats is good idea:
a) Them checking up on him might scare him straight
b) There was thread over Xmas where it was mentioned that new legislation came into force in early January about emotional abuse and coercive control. So going to the police will ensure his behaviour is on record. I don't know the ins and outs, Women's Aid will.

The other thing that really jumped out at me from your posts today was your deep compassion for your DSD.
a) You understand this is a difficult and scary time for her
b) You feel a lot of sympathy for her over how her dad treats her
c) But with the stealing and rudeness you know her behaviour is straying into dangerous territory- dangerous for you, dangerous for her, dangerous for the family unit
(By the way, do you think your ex is manipulating her to get at you now you are more immune to him? If so, that is a despicable way to treat a child, so damaging).

So I sense you are looking for a solution that reasserts some proper boundaries and behaviour, one that keeps both you and her safe. So that's how the devil's choice comes in
a) Find some way of making her dad look after her. Then he's not manipulating her into damaging you. But you think that's not a good option for her if at all avoidable as he is an arse who treats her badly already
or
b)look after her yourself as you are a better parent to her than either of her own but that could be dangerous for you and also will make her very conflicted and that can come out in all manner of troubles (stealing, rudeness, eating disorders- the no egg or beans thing could be her trying to assert some control on her life because she feels she has none. She could even be projecting how she feels about choosing you or her dad onto the eggs and beans situation- she doesn't want to choose but I could be reading too much into it).

So nobody can choose between the devil and the deep blue sea, so I've been racking my brains a bit.

First two things are obviously police and Womens Aid as above.

Then I wondered if SS could help you by placing your DSd as a foster daughter, so there are formal boundaries, support and financial help. But i don't know if that is possible, perhaps other people will know more.

Then I wondered is CSA/CMS can offer any help and advice on this as you go through the process of making a claim for maintenance for DSD and DS.

Then I remembered Gingerbread the organisation that supports single parents. They gave my mum a lot of good advice when I was little. I also had a colleague who had worked for them for years and years, and she had a lot of good things to say about them. They have a helpline, local groups, a forum etc. They will know a lot of the legal in and outs and have experience of dealing with complex situations like this, from legal, practical and personal angles. I suspect they will be easier to deal with and bit more joined up than government agencies, who can be a bit too focused on their own area and nothing else IME.

Obviously as well, if your ex has to house DSD, that will force both his and the council's hand re accomodation. Although my impression is that you don't want that or think that is te best thing. You just want her to behave within safe boundaries. You understand this is horrible for her, but you also know it is no excuse for some of the things she is doing.

So, there is (comparatively speaking) a lot of emotional and mental health support available for under 18s, both via formal routes like schools/doctors and via charities. Maybe some counselling could help her to behave better (by reducing her fear/conflict/confusion and giving her a safe outlet).

I think Gingerbread would know about this. I was also able to find a list of organisations offering counselling in my area by googling "organisations offering counselling in " and a lot of those listed mentioned that they had specific services for u18s. So there may be a similar list for your area.

Wish I had a simple solution to offer you to all this. You've done so much already. But it's complicated isn't it? & or ? I do know a couple of simple things though

1. You've done so much already you have every right to be really, really proud of yourself.
2. How you've handled everything already shows that you will find a good & safe path through this, one step at a time.

Take care Cowscock

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies, it means a lot that you take the time to do it.
I ignored the suicide threats yesterday- he was sending texts asking me to tell ds he loved him, I ignored him, funnily enough he's still alive this morning- everything that comes out of his mouth is bullshit.

With regards to the car- he said he'll give it back when he has a place. I'm not going to let it drop till I get it back.
Dsd has been keeping a very low profile since yesterday, she claimed she didn't know that the money was being taken- she thought it was free credit- a likely story! I confiscated her phone and she knows she's done wrong so I guess that's the end of it.

I haven't started my new job yet, I should hear soon when my first shift is.

What the money just fell into her pocket ? How much went missing?
How old is she ?

She used the debit card online to buy phone credit. She's 14, she knew exactly what she was doing. She just isn't the type to say"ok I'm sorry, I admit I was out of order", she'll try and talk her way out of any situation- much like her father does

She spent about £40

But he has a place, he just won't admit it. Or if he doesn't (which I don't believe) it's obvious he isn't going to accept anything 'less' than a 2 bed flat and how long will that be? Plus the fact that as long as he has the car he has a hold on you and he knows that.

Have you tried calling the council?

I have to admit, I don't really understand how your housing works. Here you just go find a place you can afford. There are no housing benefits comparable to the UK, and no council housing per se. It sounds as if there is less 'affordable housing' in private rentals there, whereas here you can usually find a place to suit pretty much any pocketbook. I guess I just don't understand why he just can't go rent a place, why he has to wait for the council to find him a place.