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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

me again-please help

450 replies

Cowscockwithonions · 25/12/2015 16:09

I posted a couple of months back about ending my EA relationship, I'm not sure if anyone remembers me.
I remember acrossthepond and Anyfucker posting with advice/ support

My ex is still living here- he said he is moving out after Xmas-he knows it's over.

Today has been awful- he's been extremely nice, whereas past Christmases he's been awful- short tempered and moaning at the kids over anything.
The worst thing is though,
I said I didn't want any presents, I know he'd already bought me a couple of little bits 'from the kids', which I was ok with, as the kids wanted to buy me things.
So I bought him a couple of token presents from the kids- socks and chocolate.
He gave me the kids presents, then said he had also bought me some things which he wasn't going to give me as they were "inappropriate, given the circumstances", apparantly he bought them before we split.

Then, in front of the kids, he gave me the presents, knowing that i couldn't say "no I'm not accepting them" as he would act all hard done by and the kids would feel sorry for him.
He'd bought me a diamond ring AngrySad , plus some very expensive presents.
Why did he do this? He knows we're over- I know he just wanted to make me feel bad, but why do it in front of the kids Sad
I spent a tenner max on his presents from the kids, he spent about £600, according to the kids- he told them.
My head is so fucked up right now, the last few weeks we have been civil, and he did say that he's going to move out, so why, why why did he do this?
Not sure why I'm posting, I already know that he's doing it to make me feel guilty, guess I just wanted to sound off.
Please be gentle with me, I'm feeling very fragile at the moment, I feel like the nastiest person in the world

OP posts:
Cowscockwithonions · 10/01/2016 19:53

He told me that he was offered a small room from the council- a box room, I don't believe what he tells me anymore, he's told so many lies.
My dsd isn't the snuggly type gamerchick! She knows that I'm here for her though, and she knows that id never let her down or kick her out.

OP posts:
Atenco · 10/01/2016 20:08

Oh so he has been offered an unaffordable box room?

Could you foster dsd?

Good luck with the job

AcrossthePond55 · 10/01/2016 21:04

He's lying and gamerchick has it right. He's sleeping somewhere, and it's NOT in the car.

Cows, you need to get that car back. He's going to have to be forced into accommodation. As long as he can drag out this 'sleeping in the car' bullshit he's going to continue to use it to 1-make everyone feel sorry for him, and 2-hinder you from getting a job and thus keep you financially dependent on him. You need to realize that this is his deliberate, nefarious plan. Now, I'm going by US law but I'd assume UK law would be the same; if the car is in your name and you have asked for it back and he's refused, you can file a report of a stolen car. If it is in both names, he has as much right to it as you but you are entitled to go get it, possession being 9/10th of the law. If it's in his sole name, you may as well give it up because he's never going to voluntarily turn over his car for you to use to get shot of him.

If the car isn't in your name (sole or joint), I'll shut my gob about it. But if it is or if it's joint, get it back even if you have to go to his work carpark and take it!

Honestly, think about him upsetting everyone. He doesn't give a shit. Why, then, should you care about upsetting him?

Cowscockwithonions · 11/01/2016 18:11

After being a complete arse over the weekend, he phoned me today crying- saying that he'd been to the council again, and he'd been offered a room in a house, but he's not allowed visitors- that's why he was crying, because he's not allowed visitors. I just hung up on him, I'm sick to death of him crying over the phone to me.
He didn't phone me back.
I now need to focus on getting the car back- when I asked him over the weekend he reacted angrily, I will get it back though, one way or another.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 11/01/2016 18:24

What a knob. Boo hoo hoo. Can't think who'd want to visit him anyway. He'll use this as a ploy to either refuse the room OR as an excuse to keep seeing DS at yours, thus continuing to force himself into your space.

Good job hanging up. Refusing to listen to him will help get the message thru his thick head that you are DONE.

pocketsaviour · 11/01/2016 18:25

OK. Anything he tells you from now on, that doesn't directly bear on his contact with his DC, you need to rehearse this phrase
"I'm not interested."
"I'm not interested."
"I'm not interested."

Shut him down. You are never going to get rid of him at this rate. There was a woman posting here in the early part of last year in a similar position. She and the DC had moved out and yet her H kept coming round, weeping copiously and demanding she hug him or he'd "do something stupid", asking to smell her hair. It was fucking creepy.

Shut that shit down right now. He is an adult and you've now been informed by the council that he's deliberately turned down housing, purely so that he can continue playing the victim and make out it's all the fault of big bad Cowscock. Well bollocks to that, it's his own fault for being massive cunt.

Ring 101 re the car and explain the situation. They will immediately know who its registered to. Anyway if it was in his name he would have said that at the weekend instead of flouncing off.

And stop allowing him to come into your house. He doesn't live there. He can take the DC out for contact at the times you specify, or he can fucking do one. By his conduct, he is NOT interested in his own DC, you can see that by how he treats your poor DSD. All he is interested in is controlling you and playing the victim card some more.

You need to take back the control now, YOU control the communication, not him. "X, are you picking up DS today to visit? No? OK, call me when you're ready to do so. Goodbye" then just hang up.

And don't fall prey to any tactics like him starting the conversation "How are you?" - don't be polite and say fine, how are you. Just say "Fine, are you bringing my car back today? Because otherwise I'm going to have to report it stolen."

Cowscockwithonions · 11/01/2016 18:30

He said that ds can't visit, neither can dsd- after he was completely vile towards her, I'm not sure that she'd want to visit him.
He makes me sick really, yesterday he was being a nasty bully when he came over to supposedly see ds, but then he phones me, crying like a baby.

OP posts:
mix56 · 11/01/2016 20:03

Look, the room in a house is temporary, ultimately he will need to find a better place, with visits.
& pocket, your post was hilarious !

Cowscockwithonions · 11/01/2016 20:17

Pocket- he also keeps asking me to hug him when he comes over to see ds- and kissing me on the cheek without my say so.
I've had a fucking gutfull of him, I told him by text tonight that I need the car back- it's freezing here, and my two youngest (who I have to walk to school) are suffering, especially when it's raining. He turned up here tonight, my dd opened the door, he said he "needed to use the toilet". How pathetic? And then started asking me if I wanted the car, I asked him why he was here and he said "you don't mind phoning me when you want money", and stormed out. I had asked him for money as the tax credit was paid into his account- it won't be anymore though.

OP posts:
mix56 · 11/01/2016 20:25

the hug.......... NO way, back off, & say something, "touch me again & I will pole axe you with a long hard object."

RandomMess · 11/01/2016 20:42

I'm beginning to despise him on your behalf.

Flowers
Jux · 11/01/2016 23:12

I'm already there, Random!

Cows, no hugging, no pecking, no anything else. Be firm, stick to the things you want to say. "I need the car today." "You have to give me the car today or I will have to report it." (and then do).

"DS will be ready for you to take him out at X. He has to back by X"
"DSD will be ready to see you at X." and so on.

Dorsetmama · 11/01/2016 23:31

I think you're doing really well cows just wanted to say so :=)

AcrossthePond55 · 12/01/2016 01:10

He needs to understand that he needs to keep his hands to himself. It's just another way he's trying to 'impress' on you that he has 'rights'. By taking off in a strop after asking you if you need the car, he can convince himself that he 'offered it' to you but that you 'forced' him to drive off.

Next time he 'moves in' or stands within touching distance you need to move away from him and if he's trying to touch/kiss you, say a stern 'No, don't do that'.

As far as 'no visiting', that's what contact centres are for (for DS), and cafes or coffee shops for DSD. You might be amazed at how soon he has a suitable place for DS & DSD to visit if you tell him he is not allowed inside your home.

mix56 · 12/01/2016 07:48

Indeed cows, you are becoming braver & increasingly lucid by the minute.
As the MN troupers said, the further you are away from him, the stronger you will become as the famous scales fall from your eyes.
He seems to be losing his control & knows it, hence all his strops. at some point he will just go & get a room/flat & stop the constant pressure.
Time to change the locks if you haven't done so. He should not just be waltzing up at any time, particularly if you out at work. & you will be.
Remember HE created his own undoing, Not you. You are responsible for your own life, not his. HE chose do take the actions he took that made your couple fail.
You are a strong, intelligent woman & when you go for your job interview, don't panic. Be strong, tell them you need to work,
Other people can advise better than me if you you can/should tell them you are recently single & have a family (who will not need you every half hour) to feed,
Maybe you should ask here for some good interview replies to have up your sleeve. starting with. Being a mother you can multi-task. ...... You are a quick learner, you realise that after being a SAHM you will need to prove your worth etc.
Also it would be helpful to know how to respond to a potential interviewer who could be 20 years younger than you.
Preparing mentally will help with the stress of the moment.

Cowscockwithonions · 12/01/2016 14:46

Thank you all for your support, it's been a lifeline for me. Xx
I joined a recruitment agency today, so if I don't get the job tomorrow, they'll be able to find some work for me.
While I was at the agency he kept calling leaving increasingly desperate voice mails, begging me not to ignore him.
I answered the phone when I got out (stupid I know), and he was crying again, saying that he wasn't going to take the place the council have offered him as it's like a prison cell". He can't have visitors there and has to sign in and out every day.
He also said he wants to end his life, and that he's just been sitting in the car looking at a little picture that our son drew.
It's ds birthday on sat, and he said he'd taken £200 out of his bank to get him a present, but the money must have fallen out of his pocket as he can't find it- he says he has no one to talk to, but in the next breath says that he doesn't want friends, and he doesn't want people knowing his business.
He is so bloody draining, when will he just move on and pull himself together.
I'm scared that he'll kill himself, and dsd and ds will blame me for it Sad

OP posts:
Cowscockwithonions · 12/01/2016 14:50

He also said he's going to quit his job and just sleep on the streets

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 12/01/2016 15:32

Lies, lies, lies. But assuming it's not (but it IS);

he wasn't going to take the place the council have offered him as it's like a prison cell". He can't have visitors there and has to sign in and out every day.

That's his problem

He also said he wants to end his life,

That's a lie, but if true, that's his problem.

It's ds birthday on sat, and he said he'd taken £200 out of his bank to get him a present, but the money must have fallen out of his pocket as he can't find it

That's a lie, but if true, that's his problem (that £200 was/is probably for a hotel room or the council accommodation).

he says he has no one to talk to, but in the next breath says that he doesn't want friends, and he doesn't want people knowing his business.

That's his problem.

he's going to quit his job and just sleep on the streets

That's a lie, but if true, that's his problem

He is so bloody draining, when will he just move on and pull himself together.

When his 'antics' stop working on you.

I'm scared that he'll kill himself, and dsd and ds will blame me for it

See, his antics are still working on you.

As far as suicide, I honestly believe he won't do that. But here's the thing, you need to be reinforcing to the children that everything he does, every word he utters is his own choice and his own decision. That others don't make us do anything. We all have free will and the ability to do 'something else', anything else, even if that thing is not our first choice in life. It's one of life's most important lessons (if not THE most important).

You have free will, too. And you're starting to exercise it. You've made changes and choices you never thought you'd be able to make. He can and will do the same once he's forced to it.

Get that car back. Tell him he's no longer allowed in your house. It's the last things he has to hold over your head. Once he realizes that his 'poor me' is no longer working, he'll 'move on' and sort himself. He'll probably make it unpleasant for you (cue a fake suicide call or two) but he will sort himself.

tiredvommachine · 12/01/2016 15:32

Stop answering the phone to him.
Don't put yourself through this.

He's a pathetic, abusive man.

Concentrate on you and your children.

DoreenLethal · 12/01/2016 15:33

'Oh well, that's your decision to make - if you think that is the best for you then crack on'.

pocketsaviour · 12/01/2016 15:43

Stop taking his calls.
Stop taking his calls.
He knows precisely what he is doing. You were feeling stronger earlier, you were standing up to him yesterday, so he has ramped up the emotional blackmail today.

Not your problem. Just keep repeating that mantra. "Not my circus, not my monkeys."
Or channel Catherine Tate: "I couldn't be less interested."

£200 fell out his pocket. LOL. He's about as believable as my DS that time he told me he couldn't go to school as he had a pain in his womb Grin

Cowscockwithonions · 12/01/2016 17:12

Across, the kids already seem to be wise to his antics- my dd especially, she's especially annoyed because my dad has been taking her, dsd and ds11 to school.
My dad is very similar to my ex- he has awful mood swings, and is a bully sometimes. When I was a child he had an awful temper, and would lose it over the slightest thing, and throw things around, he was horrid to my mum sometimes - once calling her a lazy bitch because she was in bed, exhausted, going through chemotherapy Sad.
So dd is annoyed as she is sick of my dad being moody and miserable towards her and dsd and ds.
I can't believe that I've had a relationship with someone just like my dad, and I feel awful that my kids are having to put up with his shit, just like I did Sad

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 12/01/2016 17:37

Well, it is what it is. You're seeing the truth now, and the truth is setting you free. You will teach your children from now on what is good and right between people. That's what's important.

Hey, if you feel like it, why don't you ring the police public line and ask them about getting your car back. Not that you have to DO it, but just find out if they'd go with you to get the car. It can't hurt to have a plan.

Cowscockwithonions · 12/01/2016 17:46

I've definitely seen the truth of my situation, and it scares me how much I've been manipulated, and how abusive he was without being too obvious about it.
Sometimes I can't believe that I've actually got this far- I'm surprised at myself.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/01/2016 21:05

Actually it is perfectly usual for you to find a partner just like your opposite sex parent...

Well if he's going to sleep on the streets instead of a room he may as well hand over the car.

Is there any chance your dc could be entitled to free school transport???

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