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Original poster

Will he ever propose to me???

462 replies

Chareen92 · 22/12/2015 17:39

This might be a little long so bare with me.
I've been with my oh for over 6 years. We have 2 children together and have lived together for more than 5 years. Anyway the issue is him proposing to me. We've talked about it a lot and has said he wants to. He was the first to take me ring shopping 4 years ago and again 2 years ago. I just feel why take me if your not planning on getting me one I think it's cruel. I would t be fussed if he had never took me. There always seems to be some excuse. Money is not the issue so I don't know what is stopping him? We've had all sorts of upset over the matter and he knows how import marriage is to me. His big dream is to buy a house and I want this too so I am commuting just as much into saving for a deposit. My dream is to be engaged and married but he don't seem to be compromising. All he ever says is he will do it when the time is right. We have a very loving relationship but I'm now starting to resent him because I'm helping him towards his dreams but he isn't mine. What would other mums do in this situation . I've set myself a deadline In my head and I'm sticking by it if he hasn't done so by our next anniversary in a. Year then I won't be here any longer. I know people have different opinions on this I just feel like if he really wanted to do it he would of done it by now. He isn't aware of this deadline but I am not waiting forever for it never to happen. Hope I could get some advice o help. Thanks in advance X

OP posts:
magoria · 23/12/2015 13:29

Oops I see Samantha has already covered all that! My phone managed to miss a page.

expatinscotland · 23/12/2015 13:31

Samantha is spot on. I've seen it happen time and time again on MN.

This is why I tell both my children that if they want marriage, don't have kids with someone before that. Marry first, then kids.

Varya · 23/12/2015 13:33

Propose to him, next leap year.

Mince314 · 23/12/2015 13:33

I tell my children that too. And I am free to tell them that because he's not listening in the background sneering.

Original poster
Chareen92 · 23/12/2015 13:39

He has said he will marry me one day.
Thanks for all the great advice girls. But another thing that's just made it more real . We both finish work tonight and have to pick up from two different directions to get the kids home o asked if he would pick my lo who's further away and he said no I am because he's going gym. Starting to furiate me now. I don't mind him going gym because we looks after hisself but we agreed on the days I wasn't at work

OP posts:
Lweji · 23/12/2015 13:41

Tell him you're going home and it's his responsibility to pick up his own child.
Advise the minders that dad will do the pick up and tell him that.

Original poster
Chareen92 · 23/12/2015 13:45

Knowing him he'd still leave it to me and j ant be arsed with all the aggravation so close to Christmas think I'll grin and bear it for a few more days

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/12/2015 13:45

'He has said he will marry me one day.'

That is a crock of shit.

'o asked if he would pick my lo who's further away and he said no I am because he's going gym.'

Your lo? His, too. Don't ask. You tell him, what Lweji said. 'We agreed gym on days I'm not in work. I'm in work today. Told minder you are coming to collect. I have other plans.'

Original poster
Chareen92 · 23/12/2015 13:48

I think I grin and bear it so much because o know he loves me and I know that e speaks highly of me to his friends because they've told me. It's just so hard

OP posts:
Lweji · 23/12/2015 13:49

Because all hell will fall on you and he still wouldn't do it?

But he doesn't expect aggro from you in relation to this?
If that isn't a red flag, then nothing is.
You don't have a happy, loving or respectful relationship. You have a relationship where you shut up for an easy life. And your children will learn from it too.

Lweji · 23/12/2015 13:51

He speaks highly of you to his friends because it makes him look good.
What does he say about you? That you're so good at supporting him? With the kids? With the house?
At being the nice wife?

Original poster
Chareen92 · 23/12/2015 13:52

Just all I've been there for him and he appreciates me but actuall never says it too me

OP posts:
Lweji · 23/12/2015 13:53

And he's not there for you or the children.
He is typically showing off to others, but ignoring your feelings.

Lweji · 23/12/2015 13:54

And when I say typically I mean for an abuser, not men.

Mince314 · 23/12/2015 13:55

Happy Birthday Chareen!

WOrds are cheap. Actions speak louder. You need legal protection. Or, you need to be free to look after yourself and be the recipient of the fruits of your own labour.

You are not a charity Chareen. You have to appreciate you Chareen. You are the prize. You're not trying to win him over......

~Read Anne Dickson's "a woman in your own right". It's a really great book about self-esteem. Also read ''running on empty''.

rainbowstardrops · 23/12/2015 13:56

samantha had it absolutely spot on. Read her post again op.

expatinscotland · 23/12/2015 14:01

'You don't have a happy, loving or respectful relationship. You have a relationship where you shut up for an easy life. And your children will learn from it too.'

Lweji is right. Look at tonight. You ask him to be arsed with his own child and he tells you no, he is off to serve his own interests first. Fuck yours and any agreement you made.

Jibberjabberjooo · 23/12/2015 14:02

Has anyone said the classic quote yet of 'when a man shows you who he is, believe him'. Wise words OP.

Want2bSupermum · 23/12/2015 14:15

DH and I are a team. We have our issues just like any other couple but our money is pooled. DH earns many times more what I make yet everything is shared. House and other property is in joint names and I am 50% owner of his half of his business with paperwork in place to clarify that should he pass his 50% goes to me.

Take a step back and think about what you want. It's time you set some boundaries. Do you like working PT? If not go back to FT and let him suck it up. You, in the plural sense, have children and both of you are capable of caring for them.

I would not say anything to him yet until you have figured out what you want. When you sit down to talk you will need to be willing to walk so have everything in order. Be very factual. He isn't treating you with the respect you and your children deserve. You require that he treats you as an equal and that means he needs to start working with you not against you. It's not you or him missing out right now but your DC. They deserve more than this and you are going to walk if he doesn't step up.

He also needs to disclose his income to you. I would be taking a sneek around the house and would go so far as to check on benefits to see if you could be eligible for things like HB.

Also, DH and I don't have rings. We decided to spend the money on our first home. When DS came along DH gave me a Rolex. We can afford it at this point as working as a team has seen our income increase an awful lot.

TheCraicDealer · 23/12/2015 14:15

I speak highly of my dentist but it doesn’t mean I love her or want to marry her.

Of course his ma is telling you, “oh he wants to get you a nice ring”. Do you think she wants her DS and his partner to split, perhaps impacting on her son’s quality of life and that of her grandchildren? No! Out of all the players here, you’re the one at the bottom of her list of priorities. She will tell you whatever she thinks will maintain the status quo.

I laughed at, “a house is more important than a wedding”. Yeah, it is to him. Because if he got that house (which he won’t be able to do without your help, apparently) it’ll only be a matter of time before he ends things and you’re out on your hoop with no liquid cash and no recourse. Having fought so hard and saved in order to do it, he’s not going to be the one to leave. And if you can’t afford legal help/advice, how are you going to get a fair deal to set up somewhere else?

Do not buy a house with this man on the basis of a promise of a wedding at a later date

Samantha28 · 23/12/2015 14:17

Please understand , chareen, I'm not posting because I think I'm so smart than I can see things you can't.

I'm saying - please don't be a bloody fool like me , open your eyes and see how he's really treating you . Words are cheap .

If You agree to save hard for my house deposit AND look after my kids every night and weekend AND do all my housework for the next year , I WILL BUY YOU A RING ! And I'll tell all my friends how great you are too .

That would be a bargain

Jibberjabberjooo · 23/12/2015 14:25

He should be buying you a ring because he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you and the children, not dangle it in front of you like a carrot with a list of conditions attached.

Original poster
Chareen92 · 23/12/2015 15:08

Thanks ladies ur giving me some great advice some hat make me really recall our relationship as a family

OP posts:
Want2bSupermum · 23/12/2015 15:13

You sound lovely OP. He has spent the past few years putting himself first. It's time for you to do the same. Just keep quiet for now until you have your ducks in a row. If you are on the lease of your current home then he needs to leave. He can easily stay with his mother until he sorts himself out. Speak to the LL and have the lease changed to your name.

Original poster
Chareen92 · 23/12/2015 15:21

It's a family rented house my family's name so we should be fine. That's if I do dicide to end it and if he will actually Go lol

OP posts: