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Original poster

Will he ever propose to me???

462 replies

Chareen92 · 22/12/2015 17:39

This might be a little long so bare with me.
I've been with my oh for over 6 years. We have 2 children together and have lived together for more than 5 years. Anyway the issue is him proposing to me. We've talked about it a lot and has said he wants to. He was the first to take me ring shopping 4 years ago and again 2 years ago. I just feel why take me if your not planning on getting me one I think it's cruel. I would t be fussed if he had never took me. There always seems to be some excuse. Money is not the issue so I don't know what is stopping him? We've had all sorts of upset over the matter and he knows how import marriage is to me. His big dream is to buy a house and I want this too so I am commuting just as much into saving for a deposit. My dream is to be engaged and married but he don't seem to be compromising. All he ever says is he will do it when the time is right. We have a very loving relationship but I'm now starting to resent him because I'm helping him towards his dreams but he isn't mine. What would other mums do in this situation . I've set myself a deadline In my head and I'm sticking by it if he hasn't done so by our next anniversary in a. Year then I won't be here any longer. I know people have different opinions on this I just feel like if he really wanted to do it he would of done it by now. He isn't aware of this deadline but I am not waiting forever for it never to happen. Hope I could get some advice o help. Thanks in advance X

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 23/12/2015 11:08

He doesn't see you as an equal. That's why he's not marrying you. He thinks he deserves better. :( He doesn't! But he sees himself as deserving better. Plus, his lifestyle (gym, haircuts, solitary stuff) shows he still actually sees himself as a single man. He hasn't committed mentally, which is why he hasn't committed financially or legally.

Really, you should be HAPPY this man hasn't married you! At least he's left you free to keep all your savings, and set up a lovely new life without him.

Your first job should be to call the Tax Credit helpline and find out how much you'd get, working 24 hours a week, earning £15k, with two little kids, as a single mum. I think it'll be an eye-opener. Ask them, also, about Tax Credits paying 70% of your childcare costs. Honestly, you could be SO much better off without him, financially, or at least the same as you are now.

You can TOTALLY justify leaving him over this issue. You're not "wrecking the kids' lives all because of a ring," or anything else you feel guilty about. He's not committed to you, he's threatened to dump you if you can't match his house deposit, he could waltz off at any moment. Really, you'll be giving your kids more security if you detach from his whims.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 23/12/2015 11:12

Mince, you mean Google "sunk costs phallacy". :)

NA200712 · 23/12/2015 11:13

Iagree with Whatsgoingoneh Don't worry about what your financial situation will be, you will cope, you will get help with tax credits and help with childcare costs and if hes on a fair wack.... some decent maintenance payments. Look on the child maintenance calculator online and it will work out what he should pay from what his earnings are. Don't let him tell you what he will pay!!

Mince314 · 23/12/2015 11:14

Yes, really good advice. My tax credit as a single working parent is good.

Mince314 · 23/12/2015 11:15

Thank you what'sgoingon. Brew If I'd googled sunk costs phallacy when I was with my x, I might have copped on sooner.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 23/12/2015 11:20

The maintenance can be taken directly from his salary too, so you won't have to be chasing him (or concerned he's lying about his wages in order to pay less, like my total arse-stain of an ex does).

Mince314 · 23/12/2015 11:21

Did the OP say that today is her 30th birthday?

Probably putting these truths to the back of her mind for the day. If you're reading OP, I hope that you have a great 31st, 32nd, 33rd. etc etc Today is one day and not the point of your life iykwim.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 23/12/2015 11:22

If he has the kids every other weekend, like most do, you'll also get alternate weekends free to have a rest, catch up with stuff. I know NOW that not seeing your lovely kids doesn't sound anything like a plus! But it might, when you're a single parent.

Although TBH, you're quite like a single mum now, in many ways.

Jibberjabberjooo · 23/12/2015 11:23

He manages to fit in a little family time? Really? How generous of him. Hmm

DollyTwat · 23/12/2015 11:32

I think it's quite telling that if you imagine being separated that you'd get a rest, and he'd see more of the dc than he does now.

You'll regret that wedding ring if you get it op. Save your money, I think you'll need it for you

Lightbulbon · 23/12/2015 11:33

Omg this thread is like bad relationship bingo!

I'm so sorry op but you've been conned.

This man- child has a 'why buy the cow when I can get the milk for free' attitude to you.

Run. Don't look back. You and the dcs deserve much better.

rainbowstardrops · 23/12/2015 11:39

I'd use the money you've saved so far, to get the hell away from this low-life!

He earns twice as much but you pay the same?

He goes out and buys a car for £11,000 and you have to get a loan?

He said he'll dump you if you don't save enough etc etc etc

Jeez op, get the hell out!

Oh and you don't work three days a week, you just get paid for three.

Samantha28 · 23/12/2015 11:41

This is what I think will happen .

He will find a house that he wants to buy. He will use his money and your savings for the deposit and pay for the transaction costs . He will tell you that the mortgage advisor / lawyer says that it has to be bought in his name only as he earns more / has a more stable job and you are not married.

If you object, he will say he was going to propose but he won't now as you are being so difficult and not appreciating everything he has done for you . That he had been planning a romantic proposal but you have spoiled it .

So you will comply . After some time in the new house you will ask him again and eventually he will spend £500 of your deposit on a ring for you .

Once you are engaged , and he will say that you can't set a date for the wedding yet as you need the money to buy things for this house . That you are money grabbing as he's no sooner bought you a beautiful ring and now you are nagging him to pay for an exensive wedding. After everything he has done for you.

You will continue to live together and he will pay the mortgage and the bills. You will pay for food, your car, per total and everything for the children .

As long as you go on doing his housework, his share of the childcare and paying for and cooking his food, he will be happy . When you stop doing as you are told or complain too much about big being out all weekend and every night , he will dump you .

He will own the house , you will have nothing . His career will be doing well, yours will be affected because you have taken all the time off for the kids and gone part time.

You will be the evil money grabbing ex who wants him to pay for his kids . So he will quit his job and go self employed . He will pay you practically nothing for the kids and you won't be able to prove his earnings .

Lweji · 23/12/2015 11:44

Your best option would be to get him to actually buy you an expensive engagement ring and dump him the following day. At least you'd get some of your financial investment in the relationship back.

MNetter15 · 23/12/2015 11:46

This man does not want to marry you.

If he does 'agree' to or propose to you, he would only be doing it because you've forced him to Sad Please don't do that to yourself OP, you're worth so much more than that.

He has been stringing you along for too long now I'm afraid.

loveyoutothemoon · 23/12/2015 11:54

Samantha is right. Get out now. You deserve better.

Jibberjabberjooo · 23/12/2015 12:22

Samantha28 has it right.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 23/12/2015 12:25

If you wanted the perfect family set up after a bad childhood, why didn't you get married before the children came along. If he didn't want to get married, and lots don't, you could have easily walked away with no baggage. Now if you do because you have different wants, the children lose out on having their dad daily in theirs lives.

I'd not see anything wrong with separate accounts, going 50/50 on bills etc in an unmarried relationship. Neither would I advise my daughter to walk away if her partner expected her to contribute towards a house purchase rather than hand it to her on a plate. Same goes if the sexes were reversed.

You both sounds incompatible and should have discovered that before the children came along. You want marriage and he wants to own property, forcing him into marriage won't work and if owning a home isn't imoortant to you then don't buy one with him. Issuing ultimatums between you is unhealthy.

Mince314 · 23/12/2015 12:47

Probably for the simple reason that a bad childhood damages your self-esteem and you don't feel like the prize, or like a catch. Looking back, can't speak for the OP - but I ended up in that same situation as her because I didn't feel I had the power to expect the same treatment other people expected. I used to think ''it's ok for them, that'd never work for me''. When people told me to expect more, I thought, what do they know, they're different. I believed this. I believed that I couldn't demand to be treated well. Well, I can. But then, financial abuse is often not really an assault on your intelligence, it's an assault on a damaged self-esteem.

Mince314 · 23/12/2015 12:49

Samantha my x told me that he could borrow more on his own too! It was all the mortgage lender's fault then!! Brew

Lweji · 23/12/2015 13:15

Except that it's not true at all. It's possible that they would lend more taking only one income into account, but they can still have two names on the mortgage and on the deeds.

Mince314 · 23/12/2015 13:22

Yes! Exactly. My x never suggested that funnily enough cos he was like OP's partner - happy for everything to be in his name and happy for all of the financial sacrifices of parenting to be mine.

Samantha28 · 23/12/2015 13:24

Yeah, but if you think you aren't worth much and now this great guy has taken you on, why would you rock the boat by causing a fuss and arguing with him , when he's just trying to something nice for you both ?

< speaks from bitter experience >

Samantha28 · 23/12/2015 13:25

to do something nice

magoria · 23/12/2015 13:26

He hasn't said he will actually marry you has he?

He says if you do x I will buy you a ring. You do x = no ring.

He says after y I will buy you a ring.
Y comes and goes = no ring.

He has never actually agreed to marry you.

If you ever get a ring you will then have years of having to do x & y until z date of excuses before getting close to actually setting a date.

Then I would lay money on an argument so one is not agreed.

Meanwhile you fork out 50/50 having far less cash and time after finishing all your good housewifely duties while he swans off down the gym and saves mega bucks from his extra salary.

All the time he will have talked you out of securing any deposit you put into the house etc.

He may even try the 'it would be better if you don't go on the mortgage/deeds but just pay me your share and we both own it' route.

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