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Original poster

Will he ever propose to me???

462 replies

Chareen92 · 22/12/2015 17:39

This might be a little long so bare with me.
I've been with my oh for over 6 years. We have 2 children together and have lived together for more than 5 years. Anyway the issue is him proposing to me. We've talked about it a lot and has said he wants to. He was the first to take me ring shopping 4 years ago and again 2 years ago. I just feel why take me if your not planning on getting me one I think it's cruel. I would t be fussed if he had never took me. There always seems to be some excuse. Money is not the issue so I don't know what is stopping him? We've had all sorts of upset over the matter and he knows how import marriage is to me. His big dream is to buy a house and I want this too so I am commuting just as much into saving for a deposit. My dream is to be engaged and married but he don't seem to be compromising. All he ever says is he will do it when the time is right. We have a very loving relationship but I'm now starting to resent him because I'm helping him towards his dreams but he isn't mine. What would other mums do in this situation . I've set myself a deadline In my head and I'm sticking by it if he hasn't done so by our next anniversary in a. Year then I won't be here any longer. I know people have different opinions on this I just feel like if he really wanted to do it he would of done it by now. He isn't aware of this deadline but I am not waiting forever for it never to happen. Hope I could get some advice o help. Thanks in advance X

OP posts:
Original poster
Chareen92 · 24/12/2015 18:09

Oh I did do not worry the worst meal pos just to be quick lol. I'll have to do the pots now too. The joys because when I cook I do the pots and when he cooks I do the pots lol makes sense don't it

OP posts:
Original poster
Chareen92 · 24/12/2015 18:30

I feel bad because I think he's spent a fortune on me for Xmas

OP posts:
DollyTwat · 24/12/2015 18:32

Op the real cost of those presents is very clear on this thread

Mince314withIcecream · 24/12/2015 18:37

Dont feel bad.

It's a fob-you-off wrapped up in a bow.

See if he will respect your wishes when you ask him to leave.... see if what you want or what you think is of any small consideration to him at all.

My prediction is that when u tell him he has to leave your uncle's house because u can't afford him, he will bully you and manipulate you.... so dont feel bad that he bought something he can afford to buy.

tribpot · 24/12/2015 18:38

Quite - if he spent loads of money (from the spare cash he has access to due to the unfair way your bills are split) it's hush money to keep you from feeling able to stand up for yourself. You can give the presents back.

Original poster
Chareen92 · 24/12/2015 18:39

I might let him take them bk I don't think o could keep them

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 24/12/2015 22:31

Chareen I am full of admiration for you. Happy Christmas.

Sallyingforth · 24/12/2015 22:33

I might let him take them bk I don't think o could keep them

I'm not surprised you said that. It underlines who is the decent person in this relationship, compared to the leech you are living with.

Make that break soon.

springydaffs · 25/12/2015 01:58

I think he does love you, after a fashion, but his big love, his knockout first love, is his money. He's infatuated with it: BIG crush. Oh, and he loves himself much more than you, too. So you come pretty far down on his list. You're useful, I suppose.

But you're sweet and you work like a dog keep the house and the kids. But you're still a bit lippy, don't quite know your place yet, so he has to put quite a lot of effort into training you to be docile and get what you're given and be grateful . But he's fond of you but NO WAY are you getting your hands on his money, you gold-digging bitch! Just like all women, all they want is money. It's why they want to get married so they can fleece their husbands. Duh, isn't it obvious?

Meanwhile, all your work is free, like fresh air. Because to him it's worthless - he's going to get such a surprise when he finds out how much all your work costs because he'll be paying for it . You're going to be expensive either way: living with you - heck, married to you - and paying his fair share; or split from you and paying childcare and child maintenance. But of course then you'll still be the gold-digger bcs you left him to get his money. No, better to keep you like a little slave [that's an unpaid servant], then force you to pay on top, then get you into slogging your guts out to pay for his dream (a house - literally featuring his nest), then making sure you don't have any financial rights to that house. All the while dangling before you what you dearly crave - security and commitment - to keep you on the treadmill when he has no intention of giving it to you.

He's the gold digger. He has used you and fleeced you for 6 years.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 25/12/2015 05:05

Good grief, what a dick.

Even if he did agree to get married there is no way you can live like this for the next 50 years with someone so selfish and so paranoid. Perhaps it's for the best it's come to head now. He needs a serious change of character and attitude if he doesn't want to lose you all and I'm not sure he can do it.

Are you both very young? He sounds like a teenager to be honest. It's all ME ME ME.

It's good to be disciplined with money and to have ambition and a life plan but this sounds like more than that. It sounds like an unhealthy obsession with not sharing.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 25/12/2015 05:07

and agree with what SpringyDaffs said, he sounds like he has a very controlling and patronising nature and you've been very compliant and easy to mould so far. The worm is turning and he's not going to like it. Be prepared for him to turn very nasty and vindictive when he realises you intend to start standing up for yourself.

I hope his mother kicks him into touch over this, I really do. I'd be ashamed if my son behaved like this to his family.

financialwizard · 25/12/2015 07:26

Glad to hear you're going to kick him to the curb. I am getting divorced from a nasty man like that and he has just taken a lot of my hard earned money from the house. Trust me you and the kids are better off without him.

More314 · 25/12/2015 08:10

I wouldnt bank on his mother being any support.

And you dont want a man who does the right thing because he's forced to by his mammy!! You want one who wants to be fair and decent.

After i left my x's mum knew why id left and said to my family "it's all about money with you people". So it was ok for her son to keep it all in his name but it was money grabbing of me to walk away for that reason.

So expect a character assassination and not an epiphany when you tell him it's over.

But stay strong. You will learn to live with his low opinion. His mother will have to show you a minimum level of respect or she will not be welcomed by you.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 25/12/2015 14:50

His low opinion will just be more of the same lying lip service to manipulate you/get his own way. Ignore.

His mom is being nice to try to shore up your relationship...
Otherwise he may go live with her again and maybe she is trying to avoid that. Don't trust her.

The repetitive stonewalling mentioned up thread with "I can not continue to subsidize you" etc is spot on.

You can follow that up with a simple "use someone else"...or... "Tell it to the next one" ( speak to the hand- because no other part of me is listening anymore).

Original poster
Chareen92 · 25/12/2015 17:39

Well the day has can I told him to enjoy it as it will be our last as a family in not going to family gathering tomorrow. He's pleading with everything telling me how much were good together like unsaid he would he offered to buy me a ring and get married before house etc. Said he just wanted perfect wedding for us. Bla bla... He doesn't want to loose me he'd be lost he's make me feel so bad but I'm sticking to it and ice told him I've made my mind up but still keeps trying. Which would be easier if he didnt

OP posts:
ElfOnTheBoozeShelf · 25/12/2015 17:42

Block him out. Give him a blanket and a pillow to get comfy with on the sofa, take a film to bed and ignore him.

Viviennemary · 25/12/2015 17:57

Tell him you want to get married. If he doesn't want to then show him the door. Or if you don't want to do that then you'll just have to tolerate the situation as it is. It should never been allowed to get this far IMHO. Men only do this because they can get away with it.

51howdidthathappen · 25/12/2015 18:24

Well done chareen you are on the path to a new life, where you get a say in how it pans out.
He is offering you empty promises to bring you get you back on side. Again.
Keep strong.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/12/2015 18:54

Am playing him a very small violin.

This man has played you like a fiddle for many years now. The gall of the man is quite something else. BTW such men like this one rarely if ever learn from this type of thing happening to them

Ignore his whinings.

Sallyingforth · 25/12/2015 19:01

He's following the exact path that we all expected.

He was onto a good thing and has now realised he's losing it.

He'll say anything and pretend anything to get you to change your mind and slip back under his thumb. If that doesn't work he will probably turn on the tears.

Stay strong and send him away. You are now in control of this relationship for the very first time. And it's your turn to make the decisions. The right ones.

CallieTorres · 25/12/2015 19:01

Remember to read the thread when he is 'being nice'!!!

springydaffs · 25/12/2015 19:13

Of course he'd miss you! You've been his lacky - plus you're kind, loving and supportive on fresh air so far. What an absolute prize he had in you.

The worm has turned - not before time. Well done darling. Stay strong Flowers

Lweji · 25/12/2015 19:24

Well done for telling him.

Be careful, though. In the next few days he'll bend over backwards go sway you, but notice when he will start blaming you too.
And be careful as he will at some point show his anger. Could be threats, but it could be physical as well.

tribpot · 25/12/2015 20:31

Well I'm sure he immediately disclosed his salary as a show of good faith? And offered to split the bills proportionate to your income?

This pleading might have something to do with not wanting to answer questions about where you are at the family gathering tomorrow. I don't think it will be long before he reverts to nasty guilt tactics about you breaking up the family and being money-obsessed / a gold-digger.

More314 · 25/12/2015 21:25

Yes, come back and read this thread when he is being fake-nice.

When you leave, it will go something like this, so please be warned and baton down the hatches.

phase one, Pleading and niceness, please come back, I do love you, it'll be different, empty promise empty promise, dangled carrot blah blah blah

phase two getting abrupt with me, his irritation that the niceness not working clearly showing, frustration and impatience that I wouldn't return to heel, crescendoing in to phase three

phase three losing his temper with me, a naughty disobedient child. Erroneous and unfair accusations (gold digger, it's all about money, you're so selfish, you're so impetuous, you're breaking up the family, this will be on your conscience forever) awful awful character assassinations, putting me on trial and making me defend myself to him

phase four a bit of remorse, but really, guilting me. Did you know that guilting is a verb? well it is. Guilting me in to feeling responsible for the children not having two parents under the same roof, making me responsible for HIS happiness by telling me I'd destroyed him, I'd ruined him, he was devastated, he was a wreck, I was cold hearted, I was selfish, what had I done to him,.....

phase five Realising it hadn't worked and that I was even more determined not to return, so a calmer phase, while he had a bit of think, but he had nothing new to offer, so rinse and repeat phase one again ...

I had to endure this about four or five times. So brace yourself. He will not want to see his prize (you) his deposit (in your bank account) his lackey (your labour) walk away. He will fight that.