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Original poster

Will he ever propose to me???

462 replies

Chareen92 · 22/12/2015 17:39

This might be a little long so bare with me.
I've been with my oh for over 6 years. We have 2 children together and have lived together for more than 5 years. Anyway the issue is him proposing to me. We've talked about it a lot and has said he wants to. He was the first to take me ring shopping 4 years ago and again 2 years ago. I just feel why take me if your not planning on getting me one I think it's cruel. I would t be fussed if he had never took me. There always seems to be some excuse. Money is not the issue so I don't know what is stopping him? We've had all sorts of upset over the matter and he knows how import marriage is to me. His big dream is to buy a house and I want this too so I am commuting just as much into saving for a deposit. My dream is to be engaged and married but he don't seem to be compromising. All he ever says is he will do it when the time is right. We have a very loving relationship but I'm now starting to resent him because I'm helping him towards his dreams but he isn't mine. What would other mums do in this situation . I've set myself a deadline In my head and I'm sticking by it if he hasn't done so by our next anniversary in a. Year then I won't be here any longer. I know people have different opinions on this I just feel like if he really wanted to do it he would of done it by now. He isn't aware of this deadline but I am not waiting forever for it never to happen. Hope I could get some advice o help. Thanks in advance X

OP posts:
Original poster
Chareen92 · 23/12/2015 21:56

Yea it's my mums uncles place X

OP posts:
Mince314withIcecream · 23/12/2015 21:57

He will argue with you when you tell him it's over. Tell him you can no longer afford to subsidise him. You can't afford to carry him. You can't afford to invest so much labour in to such an unequal relationship. Keep repeating that like a dripping tap. Don't get drawn in to too much argument. Just drippinng tap style repeat the same few phrases over and over again. If he won't leave, phone the police. Honestly, he is the gold digger. I didn't realise he was in a rented property that belongs to a member of YOUR family.

He has a ckufngi nerve calling you a gold digger.

Lweji · 23/12/2015 21:58

If he wants to be self employed, then get moving on the maintenance before he quits his job. (although I'd say it's more of a threat for now, anyway)

Mince314withIcecream · 23/12/2015 22:03

Oh I'm so glad Chareen

You will be ok. That's the irony. You have this place that is your uncle's. You will be entitled to increased tax credits. I promise you, it may be hard making the adjustment but you'll be ok. You need to look after your self-esteem though. When everything calms down and you have five minutes to think straight, I can recommend a few really good books for you

Brew

I didn't love my x and I knew I didn't love him but he had this way of making me feel that I was responsible for his happiness. He made me feel selfish if I asked for any of my needs to be met. He made me feel that I was on trial the whole time, that I had to prove to him that I was, innocent! innocent of all charges!! It was exhausting and my sense of self was connected to his low opinion of me. It took a while to recover from the relationship but I was lucky, I knew it wasn't love. I used to lie beside him and dream of somebody easy going, happy, supportive, good humoured, interested in others, kind, generous... I loved a ''person'' who didn't exist - but who was the polar opposite of my x. So I was lucky in that way.

Mince314withIcecream · 23/12/2015 22:06

Yes, it's all talk!

My x was going to resign. I didn't plead with him not to. I said ''that will show me, right''.

SO in the end he decided not to resign from his good job just to show me.

So if he threatens to resign just say ''well, ok, that'd be a shame but if you think that's what's best for you...."

Original poster
Chareen92 · 23/12/2015 22:11

Yeah I think we'll be fine, it's just the getting over him bit what will be the hardest because so many times I was adamant and then I fall into his arms again as I feel sorry for him and he makes me think we're perfect tells me we're made for each other and he couldn't be with anyone else and I always go bk so as we speak he's probly not taking me seriously X

OP posts:
Mince314withIcecream · 23/12/2015 22:19

When he sees you're serious, that actually you DO have a line, he will step up the manipulation so be careful. come back and run things past us.

he will say what he knows you want to hear. But remember, he didn't say it until he believed you were about to walk out. At the moment he thinks you've got no pride, no power, no line in the sand, and he's exploiting that vulnerability as he sees it.

Mince314withIcecream · 23/12/2015 22:20

Don't feel sorry for him.

He's trained you to feel his feelings more than you feel you're own! In his own head, he's this great catch that you're trying to exploit!?!?!? If that's the truth then why would you feel sorry for him. Push that pity out of your head.

R3alxmastr33 · 23/12/2015 22:22

I am sorry you did not get the answer that you wanted about the ring & the wedding

Actually, I think you have received a better answer, because now you know that he values buying a house above you and the children & marriage eg a family home (with emphasis on family)

Now you have the truth

Start applying for child maintenance from him via the official route

You will be ok on your own

It is him that looks like "xxxx"

If he was any decent kind of man. He would have snapped you up, married you & had you and children in a house by now

His loss !!!

You deserve better & someone better will come along in the future

Good luck

Mince314withIcecream · 23/12/2015 22:25

#And no matter what words come out of his mouth when he realises you now know you'd be better off building your own future without him, remember that he saw your distress over this issue these last few years. It wasn't a secret. He knew how upset you were. He knew what you wanted, and he chose to let you suffer and to call you a gold digger whilst exploiting the fruits of your labour. So remember that when he changes his tune and promises yyou the earth. AS he will when he sees you've woken up and smelt the coffee.

Lweji · 23/12/2015 22:27

Yes, he has had his chance.

The thing with these men is that even if they seem to suddenly become the person you want them to, they will just be waiting for your next vulnerability. If could be you losing your job (or them making you lose it), have another child, be sick. But you can count on them taking advantage then.

regenerationfez · 23/12/2015 22:33

What a moron! 'all women are money grubbers' are they?? He is only with you because he can't afford a house on his own, and he's living in your uncles house! He's the money grubber. If he hasn't put you in his will, after you had his two children, it goes to show how much they meant to him. If he'd died at any point in the past 6 years, all his savings would have gone to his mother.

Mince314withIcecream · 23/12/2015 22:40

yeh, keep telling him you can't afford him.

HermioneWeasley · 23/12/2015 22:41

Oh, you are well rid of this charmer. You deserve so much better

But remember when he sees his easy life leaving, he'll be desperate to get you back, and I suspect enlist his mother as well. Keep this thread, re-read it. He will promise you everything and say whatever you want to hear. Do not believe him.

Lweji · 23/12/2015 22:41

Not so simple. Unless he made a specific will benefiting his mother, his children would inherit all his savings.

Even if he didn't include his children, the will could be contested.

Mince314withIcecream · 23/12/2015 22:49

that's true, when he sees his easy life grwoing some balls he is going to panic and promise you the earth so don't fall for it.

Pannacott · 23/12/2015 23:12

I can see this is so sad for you Chareen, but I just wanted to congratulate you and point out to you how brave and brilliant you are being, and well done for confronting him so directly. You clearly have good self respect and know you deserve better than this arsehole who has been ripping you off and feeding you lies. Things will come good for you. Sending you lots of luck and good wishes.

BuggersMuddle · 24/12/2015 00:42

Oh geez OP he's a grade A cunt. I don't claim the perfect relationship (faults on both sides, but we're good), but fuck me, the wills etc. is basic.

DP absolutely expects me to pay my way and I him, but that's on the basis that we can and is fair in that we're left with broadly the same spending money (we don't get into quibbles about small spends).

DP and I had the chat about money years ago as he came from a family where money was separate with a benevolent provider. He got it pretty quickly (and has benefitted from it tbh as my career took off).

I would also worry that he looks for a partner being 'successful'. What does he mean by that?

lavenderhoney · 24/12/2015 00:47

You haven't failed all on your own you know. He's been a nightmare.

You've tried, you're done all you can, and he hasn't stepped up.

Stop blaming yourself for hoping it would all be fine. It hasn't been fine and in the future things will be better.

Stay on mn:)

Lweji · 24/12/2015 00:49

Indeed. He has failed in building a successful family. Failed you and the children.

Lightbulbon · 24/12/2015 01:40

Lol at a gold digger being after someone on £28k!

Op your dreams of a happy mum and dad unit can still come true. You could meet someone else who can be the father your dcs deserve.

Original poster
Chareen92 · 24/12/2015 07:23

Thankyou ladies all this love and support really does mean a lot I wish I had all this the past times to get through it all I know he's always been a little selfish but didn't realise how much. Today I'm at work he's home with the kids let's see how much cleaning gets done and how he copes. I finish early today and I'm going to do things for me. But last night he did ask when I get up could I get the kids ready for him while he has a lie in and wake him up when he leaves . Well I had an extra lie because I didn't have to take the kids so he's got something else to moan about because I won't have the time to get them ready X

OP posts:
Lweji · 24/12/2015 08:02

Lol at a gold digger being after someone on £28k!

Even if he's a bit more on 30, even 35.
It's hardly a fortune maker.

Glad you had the lie in today. :)

43percentburnt · 24/12/2015 08:53

Chareen I really hope you are starting to see the real him.

you would earn 25k if you were full time. He is costing you 10k per year! I had a suspicion he thought women are after men's money. Really it's the other way round. You must pay half of everything despite him costing you 10k per annum. You must save the same size deposit. You only want to marry due to his great income (!?!). He is the gold digger!

Where does the child benefit go?

Regarding marriage isn't important to him, if that's truly the case he would have no objection to marrying. Marriage is important to him - he doesn't want the commitment (financially).

He will pack his job in, okay no problem - no house for you Mr gold digger.

Mwah ha ha - get the kids ready before you go to work... I wish him luck on his contact weekends - he may find his life is a little harder.

When you tell him it's over, Wait for:- I want 50% parental responsibility. I'll just buy the kids what they need when they need it. You are a gold digger/money grabbing bitch if you go through CMS. You only get a bingo full house when he calls you 'bad mum' so listen out for that gem. If you get called crazy/mental or insane, you win the jackpot!

Good luck op, the worm will wiggle on the hook when you tell him to leave (is your rent lower as its a relative?). He will briefly change - re read this thread.

43percentburnt · 24/12/2015 08:58

Ps - staying with this 'man' you are denying yourself the chance of meeting a real partner. Someone you can truly share your life with. Don't sell yourself short.

Read the books someone up thread mentioned. Maybe attend counselling to learn more about yourself. Find a way to further your career - extra qualifications etc.