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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family advice ....my sons girlfriend hates us

206 replies

Vickymumof4 · 19/12/2015 07:42

This is my first post and I'm really hoping for some advice. My sons girl friend hates us... It really is as simple as that! I have no idea why or what we ever did to make her this way, but she has always been the same. They have been together for 6 years and recently bought their own house. We have always tried so hard as a family to make her welcome. We try to include her in everything that we do as a family, such as family events, days out, going to dinner or even just inviting them round to eat, but she always has an excuse and never comes leaving my son to come on his own. My youngest son is now joining the navy and we are having a party which they ( I'm assured that it was both of them !) have offered to host at their house for various reasons, which I thought was amazing until we have been told that my daughters BEST friend,a girl we fostered for many years (and like another daughter)isn't allowed to come as my sons girlfriend just doesn't like her either. It really is too late to change venue or cancel, but how can I exclude her? I have tried talking to my son (his g/f will not talk to me about her) but he just tells me it's also his g/f house and we have to respect that ( and I honestly do) however I would never have agreed to have the party there if I'd known. Please give me some advice.

OP posts:
Yseulte · 20/12/2015 22:18

Just read the thread.

I think it's very interesting that your son was the product of an abusive relationship, maybe he has sublimated that dynamic as a relationship map.

He may also feel like he's his partner's protector or fixer as he was with you.

I think a pp said if the genders were reversed people would be warning you that this could turn into an abusive relationship and I agree.

I wonder if your son feels like he's treading on eggshells with her too.

SilverOldie2 · 20/12/2015 22:32

Quite honestly OP, I think you have to decide enough is enough. She sounds really horrible and in your position I would stop trying. It's good she has cancelled hosting your younger son's party. I'm sure everyone will love coming to your house.

In the future I would extend invitations as you do for your family and friends and ignore if she declines. I really hope your son comes to see her for what she is very soon.

rainbowstardrops · 20/12/2015 22:38

She cancelled the party???!!!! Shock
Had you spoken to her about you possibly doing that anyway or is this just another of her manipulative episodes?

Original poster
Vickymumof4 · 20/12/2015 23:08

Yes .. She chose to cancel and I know that no one has spoken to her about me possibly changing plans as no one ... Apart from the forum and DH knew that I was going to.

OP posts:
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 20/12/2015 23:16

I am SO RELIEVED for you that she has taken the decision out of your hands. I know it's a shit thing for her to have done in the first place, cancelling on you at relatively short notice, but seriously - thank fuck for that!

I agree that your DS appears to be in the hands of a controlling manipulative person, but I do worry that (now you've told us) your previous experience of being in an abusive relationship is colouring your reactions to her.

If this was your DD, and the OH was a man, would you be so accommodating? Just think about it and then decide if you really want to carry on in the same way as you have been. x

Atenco · 20/12/2015 23:35

It does have all the hallmarks of an abusive relationship, hopefully we are wrong.

rainbowstardrops · 21/12/2015 00:38

I'm glad that 'their' party has been cancelled but I am totally Shock that gf has done this after offering to host it!
She really is a nasty piece of work gem.

TheExMotherInLaw · 21/12/2015 01:42

Hmm, the awkward GF sounds just like my EX son in law.

Chippednailvarnish · 21/12/2015 02:16

he is from a previous abusive relationship and at 5 years old became my protector and saved my life

I'm having a wild guess, but does the GF know this? Because I could see how she might resent you for putting him in the situation that led to this. How this ties into his sister is a different issue.

MuttonWasAGoose · 21/12/2015 07:09

I wonder if she cancelled because your son tried to reason with her about his adoptive sister and she sensed trouble brewing? Or is she more likely to revel in trouble?

MrsCampbellBlack · 21/12/2015 07:23

She does sound a total nightmare.

I also agree that it sounds as though your son is in abusive relationship. I would disengage from her as much as possible and just try to keep the relationship with your son going.

He may well need you a lot in the future.

StrictlyMumDancing · 21/12/2015 07:26

Given her previous actions I'd guess she's cancelled because of the trouble a last minute cancellation would cause. In which case I'd suggest you act really upset by it in case she realises that plan hasn't worked and tries to sabotage your new plans.

SSargassoSea · 21/12/2015 08:02

I might guess she cancelled as she could see what a complete dipstick she and DS were going to look when everyone asked where AD was.

You seem to have your previous abusive relationship well behind you, OP, she will hopefully 'grow' out of her issues too over time and stop the crap.

Original poster
Vickymumof4 · 21/12/2015 08:10

Perhaps a bit cowardly of me but I'm so pleased that she has decided to cancel. My youngest son is also very happy as it means that everyone can attend and relax. It is really hard to describe the dynamics of their relationship as it is only towards me and occasionally other members of the family who have challenged her behaviour on the spot that she behaves this way. i can only think that early on in their relationship I did or said something that she finds unforgivable but without knowing what, I am powerless to put it right and it is proven that confrontation, in any form doesn't work. I will not be put in the position again where she has a chance to spoil anything.

OP posts:
SSargassoSea · 21/12/2015 08:34

Couldn't it be that DS has said something in passing eg it was me and Mum, just the two of us against the world, or Me and Mum were always very very close -- any innocent thing that has made her very jealous of you. And about a closeness from the past, a situation that can't be changed.

clam · 21/12/2015 08:35

I think that's the key thing. Remove any power or control she has over you. As far as possible, conduct your relationship with your son away from her too. That's what my mum does with my brother. It's subtle, but sil has decided to let it pass.

juneau · 21/12/2015 09:13

This girl is a bully and she clearly sees you, OP, as an easy target. Your own abusive background (which I'm sure she knows all about), has laid the foundation for her vile behaviour towards you. As with all bullies, its best not to engage, and certainly don't fall over yourself to include her and make yourself a doormat for her to step on. I can totally understand you not wanting to do anything that would cause your DS to feel he has to choose, but I think I might, if it was me, tell him that you give up with regard to trying to win this girl over. You've tried and tried and all she does is snub you (and worse). From what you've said she sounds pretty psychotic to me and I have no idea what your DS sees in her. Personally I'd never be with anyone who could treat my nearest and dearest with such evil intent (does he know about the surprise party that she ruined? Please tell him, if not).

PhoenixReisling · 21/12/2015 09:33

Well, I'm glad she cancelled; but after reading previous posts from you, it comes as no surprise! It's like she thrives on the drama and it is most obvious that it is with you she has issues. It could be because you have a close relationship with your son...who knows!

If you feel you are walking on egg shells then this isn't right. I think it is time to stop being so thoughtful and kind. She comes from a place where she tramples all over that and sees it as a weakness. She does sound abusive...think about it; she can be nice sometimes and turn on the charm, but then will pull the rug from you and say or do hurtful things to both you and your family. She thrives on this to keep you feeling on edge.

OTheHugeManatee · 21/12/2015 09:47

Agree witih others that the abusive dynamic from your previous relationship has reared its head in your family again, in the form of this girl. She sounds awful, absolutely awful, and definitely as though she's singled you out for bullying.

senua · 21/12/2015 09:59

Have you told eldest DS about this? About how she offered to host and then cancelled? About how she has tried to drop you in it again?

I think that you should stop trying with her. Don't make any more effort. Sit down quietly with DS and explain the whole thing, without and anger or acrimony. Not just this episode but all the others, too.
You need him to realise that she is toxic and ruining his relationship with the rest of the family. Do this before she gets pregnant because that will be game over.

diddl · 21/12/2015 15:31

It's great that she has cancelled!

Perhaps your son said something or she realised that she might look bad?

How worrying that your son saw you in an abusive relationship & now may be in one himself.

SisterConcepta · 21/12/2015 22:23

Sorry you have to experience this OP, you sound like a lovely person. I have seen this behaviour to a lesser extent in another family and the only thing you can do is not engage with her. Just be civil and polite when you have to see her but leave it at that. Don't over analyse it - she has her issues and if it wasn't you it would be another mans sister / mother.

moopymoodle · 21/12/2015 23:46

She sounds like a control freak and bully. If it was me I would be civil but not give her the time of day. She is clearly jealous of anybody who he loves, that's her problem and your unlikely to make her see sense.

If you think it's bad now wait till they have children(a summing they will), I've seen her sort dominate families before!!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/12/2015 00:11
  • just wondering what happens when this sort of DIL comes up against a narc MIL - is it fireworks all the way? Complete battle of wills over who gets to control the most? Or does it never happen, because there's only room for one controlling narc per family? Just a thought that crossed my mind...
elvistal7 · 22/12/2015 05:37

Two issues here: the girlfriend and the party.

GF: She doesn't like you for one of two reasons and don't kid yourslef that there is a third possibility. Either your son has told her that his relationship with you is not as roses as the picture you all paint, or his relationship with his gf is weak and therefore she sees you as a threat. The likelihood is that it's a bit of both. To fix this, you need an honest no bs all cards on the table as honestly and frankly as possible three way meeting where you express how you feel to both in the presence of all 3 of you. Don't be scared, insecurities are exaggerated unnecessarily due to lack of honest revelations.

As for the party, dealing with the above will solve this as this is very much a result of the above problem.

Good luck, I hope it works out because obviously you care and your heart is in the right place.