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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family advice ....my sons girlfriend hates us

206 replies

Vickymumof4 · 19/12/2015 07:42

This is my first post and I'm really hoping for some advice. My sons girl friend hates us... It really is as simple as that! I have no idea why or what we ever did to make her this way, but she has always been the same. They have been together for 6 years and recently bought their own house. We have always tried so hard as a family to make her welcome. We try to include her in everything that we do as a family, such as family events, days out, going to dinner or even just inviting them round to eat, but she always has an excuse and never comes leaving my son to come on his own. My youngest son is now joining the navy and we are having a party which they ( I'm assured that it was both of them !) have offered to host at their house for various reasons, which I thought was amazing until we have been told that my daughters BEST friend,a girl we fostered for many years (and like another daughter)isn't allowed to come as my sons girlfriend just doesn't like her either. It really is too late to change venue or cancel, but how can I exclude her? I have tried talking to my son (his g/f will not talk to me about her) but he just tells me it's also his g/f house and we have to respect that ( and I honestly do) however I would never have agreed to have the party there if I'd known. Please give me some advice.

OP posts:
hollyisalovelyname · 19/12/2015 09:54

How does your eldest son feel about your foster daughter being excluded?
What is their relationship like?
How can he condone this exclusion?
It sounds awful to me.

MeepyMupp · 19/12/2015 09:56

Completely agree with Bakeoffcake, similar to what I said upthread . OP's DS's girlfriend sounds abusive , and if the roles were reversed everyone would be saying this was abusive relationship. Control, manipulation and the removal of choices. It is what it is, only difference is the perpetrator is female.

Bakeoffcake · 19/12/2015 09:58

Yes Meepy and the son says he keeps quiet "for an easy life"

There are so many red flags in this relationship.

Original poster
Vickymumof4 · 19/12/2015 10:00

I don't think my eldest son is spineless he has to live with her. He Isn't happy about his 'sister not being allowed to come and has tried to talk to the g/f about what has changed as my foster daughter has visit their house several times with no issue. My husbands opinion is that I need to stop being so nice and actually call a spade a spade and try to have it out with her and run the risk of losing my son. This thread has highlighted to me that there are much bigger issues than the party and I have decided to cancel with a respectful explanation and go for a meal with everyone invited. I will explain to them that sadly we cannot have it there and that I can't afford to pay for the entire guest list to eat but will pay for drinks,and hopefully people will understand.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 19/12/2015 10:00

Tbh, I agree with DadWasHere too.

Yes, ring round for a last minute venue alternative but remember that although you've been funding, this isn't your party. It's like when my parents funded my wedding reception, they were responsible for the money, not the decisions.

It's up to your son to tell his older brother he's not prepared to go ahead without his foster sister.

If the OP continues to be the communicator, she's the bad guy.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 19/12/2015 10:00

Agreed that the way forward is to cancel the party at your oldest son's house and to have a smaller one at yours.

Mean as heck for the gf to play games like this, especially to a foster sister whom you all love, and when the party boy wants her there too. I don't think you can trust her 'nice gestures' at all in future.

Whathaveilost · 19/12/2015 10:09

Of course your son is spineless because, as you said, he wants an easy life. This means he is happy for the rest of his family to be insulted because he wants it easy and come out with the lame 'it's her house as well'. Bullshit, he should have said, it's my foster sister that your excluding here, she is part of the family. The foster sister isn't some random that is going to rock up at the house, she is part of the family unit.

Jeez we have had loads of parties with two members of DHs family that I really can't stand because they are lairy and uncouth but I have always thought how can I exclude them, they are DHs family and it would be insulting to DHs mother if her son's were excluded just because I didn't like them.

notapizzaeater · 19/12/2015 10:09

Could you not talk to. Your sons gf ? And ask her outright what you've done ? My in laws (DH only child) don't like me, I've never done anything to upset them (other than marry their son) I try to be nice, I send them emails, talk to them but they just tolerate me becUse of DH. DH however has just about cut ties (I insist he still stays in contact) because he's so annoyed about how they treat me. Families can be bloody hard work !

Twinklestein · 19/12/2015 10:13

It is their party and it's nothing like a wedding.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/12/2015 10:40

No, he doesn't have to live with her, he chooses to live with someone who dislikes his family and tries to exclude them from social events. He may love her, but he doesn't have to put up with her shit.

I'm glad you've decide to cancel the party, and to go for an alternative. I would also say though that your son being 17 shouldn't be an issue for a family pub with a restaurant, so don't let that hinder your choices.

bearleftmonkeyright · 19/12/2015 10:40

I wish you luck in dealing with this. I was wondering if you had a husband or partner and what they thought. Your husband is right.

franke · 19/12/2015 10:49

Why does your husband think it is just your problem and that you need to have it out with her. Is it not your husband's family too?

ShortcutButton · 19/12/2015 10:49

I agree twinkle* its nothing left me funding a wedding

It is OPs party; son and girlfriend offered their house as a venue. But as they won't allow one of the important guests on the premises, its not going to work out is it. Another venue is needed

Whathaveilost · 19/12/2015 10:54

Your DH wants you to sort the conflict out, your eldest DS wants a quiet life. Looks like learned behaviour going on there!

Going by the posts before when I said DS sounds spineless and some people piled in about possible abuse because the DS won't start up to it what does it say about the DH who won't stand up to the way they are being treated?

I don't think abuse. Just weak men.

Epilepsyhelp · 19/12/2015 11:01

Definitely not like the wedding scenario! It's more like someone offering their home as a venue for a wedding reception and then thinking that they get to dictate the invite list!

UnGoogleable · 19/12/2015 11:01

I agree that it would be far better if someone other than the OP breaks the news that the venue is being moved.

OP, you risk being painted as the bad guy here. Don't let the GF twist this into you taking control. Make sure it's very clear it's not about you - the best way to do that is to get someone else to tell people - preferably your DS in whose honour the party is being held - OR your DD? How does she feel about all of this?

rainbowstardrops · 19/12/2015 11:05

I think you are absolutely right to decline their offer of a venue because an important family member isn't invited. I would make that point clear too.
What's the betting controlling gf doesn't show up?! Grin

firesidechat · 19/12/2015 11:06

I think if navy joining son is happy to go ahead with party with foster sister excluded then there is more to this...

The navy son isn't happpy about it though. He's upset and wants to call off the party. I would cancel it. What is the point of it if the guest of honour can't have the people he wants there.

QuiteLikely5 · 19/12/2015 11:09

It's time you stopped giving in to this madam. She seems like a nasty piece of work.

Your son must feel very uncomfortable with her behaviour.

It sounds to me like you have been very accommodating, probably where you son gets it from!

Put your foot down, don't rise to any bait and you will starve her inner Monster!

ovenchips · 19/12/2015 11:10

I wouldn't want to scupper a future relationship with my son's girlfriend (and with my son by default and, thinking massively ahead, future grandchildren) by changing party venue without discussing the situation directly with my son and his girlfriend.

You could easily end up with a lifelong rift based on third hand talk/ actions. That is too sad and also silly to contemplate.

As I said, you may decide that what they are doing is still unacceptable and you can take whatever action you want then. But honestly what do you have to lose by having a conversation first?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 19/12/2015 11:14

Conversation with whom? The Op has already said that her son's GF refuses to talk to her about it, her son refuses to go against his GF (they've already HAD a conversation) - whom else do you imagine the OP is going to talk to?

ovenchips · 19/12/2015 11:20

Er, I thought the GF was refusing to talk about 'her' ie the foster daughter. Not refusing to talk to OP full stop.

I would call round to their house when they are both in. And try and have a conversation with them saying the son whose party it is, is unhappy about the current arrangements and how can this be resolved?

alltouchedout · 19/12/2015 11:22

She sounds vile.
I think you're right to cancel and rearrange it. That way the person who the party is for gets to choose his own guest list. I hope he doesn't invite your other son's spiteful girlfriend.

Joysmum · 19/12/2015 11:22

UnGoogleable has asked a very pertinent question, where is anyone else in this?

I really would be expressing to the others that you aren't prepared to be the fall guy for everyone else's feelings too.

They equally should be expressing their displeasure otherwise the eldest son and GF will only focus on the OP being unpleasantly controlling.

catsrus · 19/12/2015 11:25

I have a friend married to a woman like this. At first she started being difficult about his relationship with his exW (amicable) then his adult dds, then his DM and dsis. Old, close female friends were frozen out. We assumed it was because she wanted to be the only woman in his life- and then she started freezing out his dbro. She seems to be threatened by him actually loving anyone else Sad. Casual friends and relationships are fine - she's happy with all of those, but the people he actually loves have been given the cold shoulder bit by bit.

It's been a bit like watching one of those psychological thrillers unfold as people became "problematic" one by one - he's like a frog being boiled alive bit by bit and is on eggshells around her moods. His Dgm ended up having two 90th bday "do's" to accommodate the madness!

This sounds similar to me. Good luck.