Family advice ....my sons girlfriend hates us

[Vickymumof4]

This is my first post and I'm really hoping for some advice. My sons girl friend hates us... It really is as simple as that! I have no idea why or what we ever did to make her this way, but she has always been the same. They have been together for 6 years and recently bought their own house. We have always tried so hard as a family to make her welcome. We try to include her in everything that we do as a family, such as family events, days out, going to dinner or even just inviting them round to eat, but she always has an excuse and never comes leaving my son to come on his own. My youngest son is now joining the navy and we are having a party which they ( I'm assured that it was both of them !) have offered to host at their house for various reasons, which I thought was amazing until we have been told that my daughters BEST friend,a girl we fostered for many years (and like another daughter)isn't allowed to come as my sons girlfriend just doesn't like her either. It really is too late to change venue or cancel, but how can I exclude her? I have tried talking to my son (his g/f will not talk to me about her) but he just tells me it's also his g/f house and we have to respect that ( and I honestly do) however I would never have agreed to have the party there if I'd known. Please give me some advice.

She should have invited your foster child. She hasn't. Its not your party its your sons. They are hosting as you can't.
She shouldn't say she hates members of your sons family. Your son should definitely step in but doesn't seem to have for some reason and has ended up being a mediator, which isn't healthy.

From your second post it sounds like you are giving as good as you are getting. If they had a house warming party and invited you and you said no, then said yes, then went for an hour and left (which would probably have been seen as storming off) because the guest list didn't meet you approval. That seems a bit controlling to me. Sounds like there' two side to the story.

Ultimately, he loves her, if you don't go to the party, so don't resolve this pleasantly you could end up seeing less of him. I would be pleasant to her, and continue to invite her to things, but not pander to her. Also, if you go to eg a party I would not leave after an hour, as you did this in front of her entire family, they probably think you are a nightmare MIL, so has added fuel to the fire.

'He is not prepared to have an argument with a 25 year old female'

Not sure this outlook is going to help though

Why isn't her opinion worth further discussion? What does her age and sex have to do with it?

You might have your answer there to your original post.

Your son IS weak and spineless....and he's thinking with his penis - not his head.

They have been together for 6 years and recently bought their own house. he just tells me it's also his g/f house and we have to respect that
Well did they buy a house together or not?! Does he truly see it as her house only even though he paying towards it? Maybe you need to remind him that it is HIS house also and he too has rights in his own home. Or does he ban her family from visiting there?

I have brought them up to respect women
Well this son doesn't seem to understand that the women in his family are also deserving of being treated with respect by other people. He is allowing a spoilt brat to disrespect his mother and sister. He is allowing and enabling his brat of a gf to try to play divide and conquer games with his family - just because she feels like it

This son of yours has no respect for himself. He's allowing his penis to dictate how he and his family get treated by the gf....or is it the thought of all that inheritance she will receive as an only child? Did her parents pay for the house they live in? is that why he doesn't see himself as having equal rights?

He IS weak OP because he's not doing anything proactive about getting this sorted - he just wants to placate her. My feeling is that he's being abused and isolated from his own family.

Perhaps it's time you stopped being so nice and martyrish towards the gf and actually had a heart-to-heart with your son? If he's planning on having children with this spoilt brat then he - and his family - will be in for a lifetime of nastiness and games from gf. Just how does he plan on actually resolving this?

i just find it unbelievable that he allows his gf to treat his family like this without having it out with her properly and putting a stop to her malicious games.

"or is it the thought of all that inheritance she will receive as an only child?"

Wtf? Who thinks like that? Think you might be projecting a bit there, DontMindMe.

Can we lay off the boy please? We don't know the dynamic, she sounds like a bully.

If this were a daughter not standing up to her husband, would we call her weak and spineless?

Ye, her son is in a very difficult position.

as for is it the thought of all that inheritance she will receive as an only child?" Wtf? Who thinks like that?

Im afraid some people do think like that. Not very pleasant people, but they most certainly exist.

Dear Lord!

We can't read too much into this. We should take the op's word for it, but at the same time remember that the girlfriend could have a very different take on things. Things we actually don't know about.

Since we know so little, there's no point in speculation about what these people are thinking or what their motives are. Giving general advice to the op, based on what she's told us, makes sense. But to judge the characters of the others is just futile and harmful.

I wonder whether the eldest son has ever had romantic feelings toward the foster sister. If he has, and this is the reason that his gf has taken a dislike to her, he may not want to make a fuss because it would reinforce his gf's notion that feelings still exist between them.

This is pure speculation on my part btw!

Shockers that crossed my mind as well. But unless she posts her own AIBU, none of us can say!

I am a little offended about the inheritance post, definitely not that! My son is not that kind of person at all. To answer learningtoletgo my husband has tried to speak with her as have the rest of the family on different occasions but this is then turned round to us being intimidating and trying to dictate to her how she should behave towards our family when in fact it was a reasonable request to try to sort things out for everyone's sake and even (obviously) we are never going to be best friends to at least be kind and civil to each other. Her age and gender have nothing to do with anything other than my husband felt that he may make matters worse and would be seen as being confrontational no matter how he approached her. ( it has happened before) It's true that I can only explain my side of things and I would dearly love to have any insight into how she sees things then perhaps we could move forward. There are many other incidents of blatant rudeness that even the most thick skinned of people would have issue with for instance when my son turned 21 I phoned her to ask her opinion on whether he would like a surprise party she thought this was a great idea, so I asked if she would help organise things, asked her opinion on everything so she was included, and I wasn't taking over, she suggested themes, dates etc and waited till I'd booked everything, then booked a surprise holiday for them flying that very weekend and only Let me know the morning of the flight, same day as party ! When I asked her why she did that and let me book everything she said simply she wanted to go on holiday and a cheap deal came up for that weekend. She could have said initially, lovely idea but I thought I might surprise him with a holiday. Thats absolutely fine with me it's the games that she plays. I ask what he would like for Xmas ( last year) ring her to make sure no one else is buying it, and then she buys the same only twice as expensive and smiles sweetly when my gift is returned. I do wish I could explain things better and from both sides as even I feel I sound overbearing and like I can't cut the apron strings but it really isn't like that at all I just wish we could get along. half the things she does my son doesn't know about and I ignore but I do think I will need a long overdue talk with him after Xmas.

Sorry it's hard to keep up with the thread ! As I've said previously definitely no romantic feelings to my foster daughter, only as siblings, there is a huge age gap and they really are brother and sister. The g/f has told someone that she feels she can exclude her as she isn't his real sister and although she doesn't like them either she wouldn't feel right not inviting them.

OP she sounds somewhat nightmarish. But again I am left wondering why on God's green earth you arranged for the party at hers!

And now after hearing of your other son's surprise party debacle (I don't think I would have unground my teeth yet about that) I am even more bemused.

She hasn't worked as a team with you, ever, from the sounds of it, so please for your sake, stop including her like that. You are setting yourself up for grief every single time.

Don't tell her anything then, keep it polite but don't let her have leverage over you. Talk directly to your son about any arrangements or what he would like for birthdays etc even if that means it can't be a surprise. The birthday thing is nasty. There are two sides to every story but OP sounds as though she has really tried and GF has twisted it back. Learn from all of these events and don't let her be in a position to pull the rug out from under you. Make sure he knows you love him and have tried for his sake.

So if you change the venue & invite your foster daughter then presumably your son & DIL won't go?

OP you are being way to gracious over her needs. Christmas and birthdays, a gift voucher or £20 in a card and maybe some flowers or wine. That is standard MIL present giving imo. Speak to your son directly always. You trying to be inclusive and friendly towards her is never going to work. You clearly are two different people and have very differing expectations of the relationship. She sounds manipulative though.

You don't sound overbearing OP she sounds nuts.

Do you know what your son sees in her? Have you ever asked him how he feels about the way she behaves?

Wow! She sounds toxic. My sil has pulled some stunts over the years, but this one knocks her into a cocked hat!

I agree. Stop trying to include/pacify her. It's never going to work. Be polite and coolly friendly, and deal only with your son. It all sounds incredibly difficult - your lovely boy allowing himself to be inched away from you bit by bit. Let's just hope he sees the light and ditches her soon, before things become really permanent.

Wtf? Who thinks like that?

"I'm afraid some people do think like that. Not very pleasant people, but they most certainly exist."

I'm aware of that. I was talking about the poster who came up with the frankly insulting to the OP's son suggestion.

Your latest update makes her sound unhinged, fuck me I'd be livid at her behavior.

Diddl my son would but she wouldn't. I really didn't want to have this party at their house in the 1st place when they phoned to suggest it and after much persuasion was swayed by them both. Never again will I fall for the kind act, but will continue to be pleasant. She really must think I'm stupid as I seem to hand her the stick to beat me with

"My son would but she wouldn't."

Sounds like a result to me!

Think you might be projecting a bit there
No Clam....just wondering out loud as to the possible reasons why he's allowing this behavior. You may think my post was insulting - but so is the behaviour of the gf and son....

When I first started to read the OP, I thought that maybe the family are very close, see each other a lot& she finds it too much sometimes.

Even so, it's possible to not go to everything & be polite when you are there though!

I did wonder on this occasion whether the son might go or not.

I think if he keeps going & she not then that won't always be workable & could either drive a wedge or he'll make the decision to not go on with her.

I wouldn't have thought that he can sit on the fence forever!

" She really must think I'm stupid as I seem to hand her the stick to beat me with"

Well I think it must get some getting used to that people can constantly play games like this.

You can't help some people and some people just want to see how far they can go.

OP I know a woman exactly like this and you have to be prepared for the possibility of not having your son in your life anymore at some point.

In the case of the woman I know she turned her DH against his whole family bit by bit. The family still to this day have NO idea what they done. Like a previous posters story, this woman was jealous of anyone her DH loved and she wanted him to herself and that was that.

He has no friends and the only family he has are hers. My DP works with him and he's broken man. He speaks to his family in secret but will ignore them in the street when she's present.

I hope to god this doesn't happen to you and your family but there are similarities in your posts.

Take a step back and only talk with your son. Don't confront her because that's the ammunition she wants to turn your son against you.

Agree with other posters....she's clearly vindictive and downright barking! No sane person goes on like this. The amount of cunning and planning she evidently has displayed is pretty staggering and I think it all sounds very sinister tbh. It's like she's actively enjoying stirring the shit. She premeditates some screwed up shenanigans then sits back and enjoys the fallout! WTF?? Totally abnormal and vindictive.

Vicky yes I would second the opinion that you must be straight with your eldest, stop protecting him, and let him know 100% what has been occurring with that daft, unhinged cowbag. Maybe if it comes from both you and your husband ( and others preferably aswell ) then it'll add more weight and he won't think it's just maybe that his mam and partner have a clash of personalities. He needs to be made fully aware rather than just taking a back seat.

And I know if it were me in your shoes, I'd wash my hands of the stupid bint aswell, no more invites to anything and exclude her sorry arse out of anything and everything! I don't think it's inappropriate to give a dose of they're own medicine and see how she likes it, the nasty bitch!