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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family advice ....my sons girlfriend hates us

206 replies

Vickymumof4 · 19/12/2015 07:42

This is my first post and I'm really hoping for some advice. My sons girl friend hates us... It really is as simple as that! I have no idea why or what we ever did to make her this way, but she has always been the same. They have been together for 6 years and recently bought their own house. We have always tried so hard as a family to make her welcome. We try to include her in everything that we do as a family, such as family events, days out, going to dinner or even just inviting them round to eat, but she always has an excuse and never comes leaving my son to come on his own. My youngest son is now joining the navy and we are having a party which they ( I'm assured that it was both of them !) have offered to host at their house for various reasons, which I thought was amazing until we have been told that my daughters BEST friend,a girl we fostered for many years (and like another daughter)isn't allowed to come as my sons girlfriend just doesn't like her either. It really is too late to change venue or cancel, but how can I exclude her? I have tried talking to my son (his g/f will not talk to me about her) but he just tells me it's also his g/f house and we have to respect that ( and I honestly do) however I would never have agreed to have the party there if I'd known. Please give me some advice.

OP posts:
ovenchips · 19/12/2015 11:27

That's true Joysmum.

But also the focus is on OP in this situation because she has arranged to host and pay for a party in the house of someone who doesn't appear to like her or have any interest in the family.

Twinklestein · 19/12/2015 11:30

There's no negotiating with someone who's so unreasonable ovenchips.
She won't discuss the foster daughter issue which is the reason the party is being moved, so I don't know where you think that conversation's going to go.

rainbowstardrops · 19/12/2015 11:34

Mmmm, I'm inclined to agree with the pp who said to go round to ds and gf's house and have a sensible conversation stating that younger ds wants foster sis there and it's his party after all and that this is very important to the family. I would definitely take your DH too as a united front - whether he likes it or not.
If ds and gf still refuse then you are well within your rights to calmly say thank you but no thank you and family gathering will now be at X venue. You can't be fairer than that.

MuttonWasAGoose · 19/12/2015 11:36

Before you do anything, have a calm talk with the younger son and be sure to take his wishes into access. Because the party is ultimately about him.

Anything you do can be framed as "DS wants to do this because he wants his sister there." I'm not saying that you should use him as a scapegoat... just as a reminder to everyone that the guest of honour is the person whose feelings matter most.

Original poster
Vickymumof4 · 19/12/2015 11:37

Neither my husband or son are weak men by any stretch ! I do not think it appropriate for my husband to wade in. This could definitely be seen as us then bullying her. He is not prepared to have an argument with a 25 year old female however has spoken to our son on many occasions. We are a very easy going family and respectful of each other and I know my son has argued with her and defended us but he too has no clue how to deal with this kind of manipulation. I guess I have brought them up to respect women and that has made him too easy going with her. I would not expect him or put him in the impossible position of choosing between us but I honestly suspect that she pushes for this and that she believes she will win. This isn't a war and I won't turn it into one. I will stay respectful at a distance and they will always be welcome in our home. When she wants to be she can be the loveliest girl in the world but it is like she has split personality. She is not in the least bit bothered if she upsets or offends us and my son does tell her that she is wrong but she is immovable so he lets her get on with it. He certainly attends events that she refuses to but is deeply embarrassed by her behaviour. I dread the day the say they are getting married or are expecting a child but will deal with that if it arises.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 19/12/2015 11:40

Ok OP.

Hope all works out for the best in the end.

So what are you going to do. Have you told your eldest the party is off?

Whathaveilost · 19/12/2015 11:41

Why do you think your son has ago that is so disrespectful to his family and won't change her ways? I'm not being Grady, I'm just curious that you have been a tight knit family and this girl has blown this apart but your son still puts up with the situation and her?

rainbowstardrops · 19/12/2015 11:41

I honestly don't think it's a case of your DH wading in but more of 'This is upsetting us.

Twinklestein · 19/12/2015 11:47

She sounds somewhat sociopathic.

It sounds as if being an only child she perhaps got used to controlling her environment. Perhaps her parents capitulated to her demands. She can't control your family and perhaps she feels uncomfortable with that, out of her depth, hence 'disliking' you.

Have you ever asked your son why he puts up with her behaviour and if he wouldn't be happier with someone more relaxed?

Whathaveilost · 19/12/2015 11:47

Sorry Op I have X post with you.
However there is a difference between respecting women and letting your mother ( and father) being treated so rudely.

UnGoogleable · 19/12/2015 11:52

You sound very sensible OP in your decision not to meddle, just be there for him.

He may see her for what she is and dump her. He may marry her. You have no control over that and all you can do is keep loving him.

SpecialistSnowflake · 19/12/2015 11:55

Is she very pretty? Because that's when I see men in these situations. It's like they decide that the social worth of having a beautiful woman on their arm is worth all the grief that comes along with it when that woman happens to be a monster.

ovenchips · 19/12/2015 12:06

Yes, the son's GF is being completely unreasonable and sounds very, very hard to deal with.

I am not saying what I think is the fair or reasonable thing to do, that would be different advice altogether.

I am saying do it because this is OP's son's long-term partner. And there is a huge possibility of a long rift arising from this situation. I would want to preserve my relationship with my son if I could.

The OP may very well get nowhere from a conversation but it's worth a very careful and considered attempt. A fallout with GF will have lasting implications on OP's relationship with son. It would be great for the OP if that could be avoided by desisting in any behaviour (on her part) that will escalate bad feeling.

If it were a friend or a colleague or a distant family member I would advise differently.

roaringfire · 19/12/2015 12:08

If your foster daughter comes, at younger son's invitation, what will she do, kick off? Laugh it off and say don't be ridiculous, this is about son, its his party, it is for HIM, and stand firm.

Your other son needs to get firm, he is allowing this bully to have this power.

Twinklestein · 19/12/2015 12:09

I dunno, I gave an example upthread of a woman who behaved just like her.

She wasn't particularly attractive she just managed to get her hooks into the guy and wouldn't let go. He was amiable and easy going and he too just went along with things for a quiet life.

When he suddenly had an epiphany - and saw her for what she was - he talked about it to his family who had to admit that they had known what she was like was all along. He asked them why on earth they didn't mention anything before he got married because he was unsure about marrying her and it would have really helped and probably tipped the balance. They said they felt they had to respect his choice etc.

roaringfire · 19/12/2015 12:12

re: last sentence of my post, sorry, hadn't read last post, feel for you.

senua · 19/12/2015 12:12

I do not think it appropriate for my husband to wade in ... He is not prepared to have an argument with a 25 year old female

Why on earth not?Confused The alternative is that she gets her way again, like she always does. Why will no-one in your family call her on her behaviour?

Headofthehive55 · 19/12/2015 12:15

Just remember though, not everyone has the same sort of family expectations. It's not really wrong, just different.

Maybe she is uncomfortable in having lots if people to her house, and actually it was a great compromise on her part.

Not everyone is so social. I cannot imagine anything much worse than having to host a party in my house.

Twinkie1 · 19/12/2015 12:18

It's also your sons house and you need to tell him to put his big boy pants on and insist that his foster sister in included. If his partner doesn't like it she's welcome to go stay at her parents or elsewhere whilst the party takes place but I'd make damn sure everyone knew why she was absent.

If someone doesn't stand up to her now this will only get worse and your son will pussy foot around her demands, putting her ridiculous behaviour over everyone else who loves him and is happy to get along with this woman.

Headofthehive55 · 19/12/2015 12:21

You also don't know what's gone on between her and your foster daughter. We had a situation where my DHs best friends girlfriend was awful to me. Blanked me, told me that my DH was too good for me etc, all sorts if stuff.
Never within earshot of others.
I wouldn't tell DH why I didn't much like her, but I did try and minimise the time spent with her. I didn't want DH to fall out with his friend. He was puzzled, I think he thought I was just awkward...until one day he saw it. We have never seen them since.

Headofthehive55 · 19/12/2015 12:23

Sometimes there are two sides...and not everything is as it looks.

Joysmum · 19/12/2015 12:31

I honestly don't think it's a case of your DH wading in but more of 'This is upsetting us

Exactly, but the OP and her family disagree and see that ad starting a war.

I don't, I see it as promoting a strong united front to stop one.

Twinklestein · 19/12/2015 12:40

If she's uncomfortable having people in the house she could have said no or gone out.

She doesn't seem to be though as she's chosen to exclude just one person.

I'd put my money on foster daughter never having said or done anything unkind to her.

Learningtoletgo · 19/12/2015 12:46

There are two sides to every story of course, just thought I'd point that out before everyone grabs their pitch forks!

The son could be saying one thing to his parents and something completely different to his GF, it's not uncommon and would explain a lot.

Also there could be a back story here that the OP isn't aware of. Just because your son says there's no problem with your foster daughter doesn't necessarily mean there isn't.

The GF might be aware of something going on with Foster daughter that hasn't come to light yet and doesn't want to get involved. Who knows?

I'm not calling your son a liar he might just be trying to keep everyone happy including his parents.

I would tread very very carefully here. As you say if they are living together there could be weddings and grandchildren down the line.

Headofthehive55 · 19/12/2015 13:17

twinkle you may be right, but who knows. Yes she could go out, but I wouldn't have wanted to get into a situation where I went out to avoid someone coming to my house.

It seems she doesn't always join in with family events- maybe she's not that interested in the stuff you are doing?

I agree that the ops son my be telling two different stories. My DH is not that bothered about seeing his family - often I don't think boys are as much, but I don't think his mum realises it's him blocking the contact.