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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family advice ....my sons girlfriend hates us

206 replies

Vickymumof4 · 19/12/2015 07:42

This is my first post and I'm really hoping for some advice. My sons girl friend hates us... It really is as simple as that! I have no idea why or what we ever did to make her this way, but she has always been the same. They have been together for 6 years and recently bought their own house. We have always tried so hard as a family to make her welcome. We try to include her in everything that we do as a family, such as family events, days out, going to dinner or even just inviting them round to eat, but she always has an excuse and never comes leaving my son to come on his own. My youngest son is now joining the navy and we are having a party which they ( I'm assured that it was both of them !) have offered to host at their house for various reasons, which I thought was amazing until we have been told that my daughters BEST friend,a girl we fostered for many years (and like another daughter)isn't allowed to come as my sons girlfriend just doesn't like her either. It really is too late to change venue or cancel, but how can I exclude her? I have tried talking to my son (his g/f will not talk to me about her) but he just tells me it's also his g/f house and we have to respect that ( and I honestly do) however I would never have agreed to have the party there if I'd known. Please give me some advice.

OP posts:
ShortcutButton · 19/12/2015 08:17

X post

I think you have to cancel them hosting definitely. How horrible

Cabrinha · 19/12/2015 08:20

Your navy son says he wants his foster sister there, and to call the party off.

So - do it.

If he sees her as family, it's totally fair to cancel the party over this. Although I wouldn't cancel it, I would host at yours (reduce the numbers if yours too small?) or just tell everyone to go to a pub. You don't need a function room. Just take over a pub for the evening.

MajesticSeaFlapFlap · 19/12/2015 08:21

Call off party as per sons wishes. Let people know why.

Pub idea is a good one.

DadWasHere · 19/12/2015 08:22

It really is too late to change venue or cancel, but how can I exclude her?

You are not excluding her, because you are not the host of the party. It really is as simple as that!

ShortcutButton · 19/12/2015 08:26

No, it clearly isn't as 'simple as that" dad

Cabrinha · 19/12/2015 08:27

I still would like to hear the girlfriend's side of the story. It's so easy for things to get blown out of proportion. Like no-one speaking to you at the housewarming - I've been at parties like that, and honestly it's usually because people are just selfishly doing their own thing, not interested in others. I can see that that was something and nothing - potentially. I can also see her being frustrated that you're all pressure to come over all the time, but when she invites you to the housewarming, you just decide no.

Now I know from your side you didn't want to bother the young folk, and didn't intend to snub. But I'd see it as a snub. Say you'll pop in for an hour and then 'leave the young 'uns to it'.

I'll say it again though - your oldest son is key in this. Does he know little brother wants the foster daughter there?

You say that the girlfriend doesn't like the foster daughter, but you also say girlfriend NEVER comes over. How does she know her? What is your son's relationship with the foster daughter like?

Whatever it is, they have to suck it up if hosting the party.

cdtaylornats · 19/12/2015 08:29

Have your younger son turn up with his foster sister on his arm and give the very clear message "if she goes I go, and I will go loud, inviting all and sundry to decamp to a local pub where he will feel welcome".

regenerationfez · 19/12/2015 08:30

Maybe you should let your son know how her behaviour is affecting your family, and get him to ask her what the issue is. Surely he can see what is happening? My DM hates my Dads mum. She is quite nasty and critical sometimes, but she's 100 now and doesn't know what day it is half the time, but the hatred continues. They have been married 45 years. We are all stuck in the middle now. It's horrible. My dad still sees her and pays for her care, which she also hates. Your son needs to sort it out before it affects everyone in the family, or you lose him completely to this woman's family, which she seems to want. (although we only know your side, of course!)

Hissy · 19/12/2015 08:30

Are there any other signs that this woman is abusing your son? She sounds like she's isolating him from his family, and he's doing fuck all to stop it.

I would say that this party IS enough of a deal breaker for you to go round to see him and demand an explanation from him alone.

Then I would get the party cancelled and held in a public place so that your navy son can have who he wants there.

She sounds like a bully.

regenerationfez · 19/12/2015 08:34

And yes, the son whose party it is wants to cancel, so cancel and have it in the pub, with reduced numbers. She can come if she likes, or not.

FishWithABicycle · 19/12/2015 08:34

I am sure you could swap venues. Where there's a will there's a way. Maybe it wouldn't be as prettily decorated or as comfortably furnished as your SIL house, but this girl is family (family of the heart is just as family as family of the blood) and it would be wrong to consent to a party excluding her.

StrictlyMumDancing · 19/12/2015 08:39

If your younger DS wants his foster sister there, and would prefer to cancel if not then all you need to do is say 'thank you DIL for offering to host but no one wants DFD excluded, so out of respect for your boundaries we've decided to not have the party'.

Original poster
Vickymumof4 · 19/12/2015 08:45

DadWasHere ... I feel I am the host of the party though ! I am paying for everything and was offered their house as no venues were available elsewhere.
I probably haven't explained very well but I have 2 sons(oldest son with g/f ) and youngest going in Navy! I also know that it isn't a party for me or my daughter or foster daughter, however she is part of our family and I would feel that she is being excluded. She too is hurt by this behaviour and like me has no clue why the g/f has decided she doesn't like her. I don't feel like they are summoned to attend events ( maybe she sees it this way ?) at all just included in the invites that go to all members of the family as isn't that what families do ? I have asked my oldest son if he knows what the issues are and he just tells me that she just doesn't like us and that he try's to talk to her about it but it causes trouble in their relationship when he does so he just gets on with it for an easy life.

OP posts:
Redlocks28 · 19/12/2015 08:50

I agree strictlymum, that's what I'd do

If you've never got along from the start, I wonder why? Are your family backgrounds-social/wealth/religion/location etc very different? I was just wondering if she was being a cow because she thinks she's better than you or doesn't like X about you

Probably a bit of a random question though-just trying to work out what's behind her dislike?

mamas12 · 19/12/2015 08:51

Have you told older son that younger son wants foster sis there and if she isn't he s not cling? He needs to know this is causing unnecessary friction/drama here.
If you do what cdtaylor says and have son2 turn up with her and challenge it what would happen
But it should be sorted in the next 24 hours really to give people notice

senua · 19/12/2015 08:56

Woah! What? You're paying for everything but she gets the final say on who gets invited? That's not on.

Scale it back and have it at yours. Or go to the pub.

magoria · 19/12/2015 08:59

Your son who the party is for wants her there or to cancel. She is running his night.

Do what he prefers not what your eldest son's girlfriend wants.

Contact everyone coming and without going into detail tell them unfortunately the venue has changed. If they ask tell them why.

You are now just going down your local and they are all welcome.

Keep any food/drink you have paid out for u til Xmas if possible.

And stop trying with this woman. She has made herself clear. Just send your son and her invites where required and leave it at that she comes or not.

Do not rely on her ever again.

Tell eldest you love him, are always there for him however he has made his choice and you will no longer pander to any bad behaviour from her or his acceptance of it.

magoria · 19/12/2015 09:00

Running should have been ruining

munkynutts · 19/12/2015 09:08

Explain situation to foster daughter then organise a meal out where you invite who you like, but also attend the DILs party.

ovenchips · 19/12/2015 09:09

It's very hard to advise as we have absolutely no idea why your son's girlfriend is acting like this. And sounds like you don't either.

We don't know why she is so unfriendly with you. We don't know why she is so unfriendly towards your foster daughter (there hasn't been a brief relationship between your son and foster daughter at some point, has there?)

So it's all about trying to second guess her, which never works. Your son is not giving you accurate info either. Claiming it's her house and she can invite who she likes, is what people say to avoid having to explain the truth.

Now this not knowing what is going on with your son's girlfriend has come to a head because of the party.

I really don't know what is best to do about the party because we none of us have the information about what the girlfriend is thinking. Is she being really mean or is there a whole back story we know nothing about?

Can you have a frank talk with son and girlfriend where you ask why they are excluding your foster daughter? Then see how you feel after that about what the right thing is to do about the party.

Until you know why the girlfriend is like she is, you are going to have this kind of issue coming up again regularly. She could just be a very unpleasant person or she could be holding a very longlasting hurt about something. I think you need to know what's behind the behaviour so you can act accordingly in the future eg have as little to do with her as possible/ try to build bridges etc.

And certainly if you do change the party venue etc of the party they are hosting without a discussion involving the girlfriend, I think there's a pretty good chance of it completely ruining any relationship with her anyway. You may decide that is something you can live with, but wouldn't you rather find out first from the horse's mouth what is going on? I don't think you have a lot to lose at this point!

ShortcutButton · 19/12/2015 09:11

I would do it with as little fuss and drama as possible

Obviously its impossible to know what her motivations are. But it reads like she is trying to cause a ruckus with this one. She has chosen the closest person that she had a chance of excluding, hasn't she?

Original poster
Vickymumof4 · 19/12/2015 09:11

Thank you for the advice everyone. I am going to have a last ring round then just take your advice and have a few people at our house. The pub is out of the question as my navy son is only 17 :) I think magoria is right and perhaps I need to stop trying and explain that it is through self preservation that I will stop extending the olive branch. Our backgrounds and social/ wealth are similar but she is an only child ( we have 4 plus fosters) and therefore I do feel she behaves like a princess most of the time, but everyone is different and my son loves her so we accept that. It's time for me to stop pussyfooting around I think and just accept that she does not want to be part of our family.

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 19/12/2015 09:12

If you're paying, you get the final say over who's coming to the party.

rainbowstardrops · 19/12/2015 09:13

You're paying for it all but she gets the final say on the guest list??? Errr no!!!!!!
Absolutely agree with others, change the venue to a local pub if you can't host it at yours and tell people why. This is your youngest ds' night and what he wants should stand.
I'd also stand back from the gf. Invite them both to family get-togethers etc and if she declines then so be it.
Just out of curiosity, do you come from a different culture to her or does she feel threatened by your family if yours is wealthier than hers etc?

PhoenixReisling · 19/12/2015 09:14

You are paying for the party but she is trying to exclude a member of the family Shock.

If your youngest son wants your daughter their and it is a party in his honour, then you have two choices here.

  1. Go ahead with the party, discounting the youngest sons (and upsetting your daughter) wishes but respecting the girlfriends
  1. Cancel the party and go to a pub putting money behind the bar and upset your eldest and his girlfriend.

Personally, I would cancel. She has said she doesn't like you anyway and your immediate families well being is more important than her. I say this as you have tried your best, but it is still not good enough. I would also be concerned about your eldest....he goes along with what she wants for an easy life, to the extent of excluding family......alarm bells ringing here!

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