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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Family advice ....my sons girlfriend hates us

206 replies

Vickymumof4 · 19/12/2015 07:42

This is my first post and I'm really hoping for some advice. My sons girl friend hates us... It really is as simple as that! I have no idea why or what we ever did to make her this way, but she has always been the same. They have been together for 6 years and recently bought their own house. We have always tried so hard as a family to make her welcome. We try to include her in everything that we do as a family, such as family events, days out, going to dinner or even just inviting them round to eat, but she always has an excuse and never comes leaving my son to come on his own. My youngest son is now joining the navy and we are having a party which they ( I'm assured that it was both of them !) have offered to host at their house for various reasons, which I thought was amazing until we have been told that my daughters BEST friend,a girl we fostered for many years (and like another daughter)isn't allowed to come as my sons girlfriend just doesn't like her either. It really is too late to change venue or cancel, but how can I exclude her? I have tried talking to my son (his g/f will not talk to me about her) but he just tells me it's also his g/f house and we have to respect that ( and I honestly do) however I would never have agreed to have the party there if I'd known. Please give me some advice.

OP posts:
chillycurtains · 19/12/2015 09:16

I personally wouldn't rock the boat too much because as you have said, you can't win. I would talk to your son (who is leaving) and have the party as planned then organise a meal for the rest of the family and your DD's best friend round at yours or out somewhere nice to say goodbye. Just don't invite your other son or his girlfriend. That isn't being spitful it's just the choices that they have made. Your son does need to realise that the choices he makes with his girlfriend will affect him and invites, etc.

Hope it all works out and you have a good time with your goodbye celebrations.

PhoenixReisling · 19/12/2015 09:22

I could never go ahead with a party that the guest of honour wanted to cancel because his sister was not invited.

I would cancel even if it rocked the boat. I would rather piss off the girlfriend than hurt my children.

Just saying.

DadWasHere · 19/12/2015 09:22

No, it clearly isn't as 'simple as that"dad

Yea, its simple, its the level of enmeshment that makes it complicated. If I agree to let my oldest daughter and boyfriend host a party for her sister its their call from then on. If they turn around and decide, for example, not to invite my wife, I can decide not to go, I cant 'take back' the party from them as a lot of others are suggesting. If my youngest daughter thinks its unacceptable, she can make up her own mind about it, especially if old enough to join the Navy. Perhaps she cancels her party, perhaps I end up hosting my own shindig if she wants.

Cabrinha · 19/12/2015 09:22

Let's not decide only children are princesses, hey? My only isn't. My sister who is one of 6 is.

Original poster
Vickymumof4 · 19/12/2015 09:23

Oven chips ... Definitely no relationship between them other than that of siblings ! She has chosen the person that she could possibly get away with excluding and I do feel that this is deliberately to push the boundaries again. It is a mess as I would never have agreed to this taking place at their house in the 1st place. It wasn't my idea and originally I had said that we would find somewhere else but my son insisted and ( on the phone) she was in the background saying she was delighted to have it there this has been planned for weeks with no conditions or complaints but suddenly she has switched. Nobody is aware of any previous animosity between them and if I'm completely honest I feel it is because she knows she couldn't exclude me.

OP posts:
bearleftmonkeyright · 19/12/2015 09:23

She is a right nasty cow and seems to have zero empathy. It sounds like on this occasion she has you over a barrel. If it was me I would insist your DD comes and she can go to hell. I know you are concerned about upsetting your eldest son but please don't let her call the shots all the time. She is a bully.

ovenchips · 19/12/2015 09:25

Aargh, what a pickle now we learn it's their house but you are the one paying for everything/ hosting.

Obviously it's hindsight now, but that arrangement is like giving a trigger happy person a loaded gun and crossing your fingers that they won't ever use it. Grin

bearleftmonkeyright · 19/12/2015 09:25

To be honest I'm with Dad on this one.

ovenchips · 19/12/2015 09:26

Sorry I completely cross-posted with you there.

magoria · 19/12/2015 09:27

It isn't just the DD's best friend. This girl/woman has been fostered by them and is a part of the family.

The son the leaving party is for wants her there.

There have been many previous issues with the eldest son's girlfriend from the sounds of it. Not rocking the boat all this time is what allows her to have her way.

This is for the younger son not the eldest or his girlfriend.

Just before Christmas may not be good timing but when will it ever be to make this stand?

All OP has to say is sorry you felt that way however we wouldn't exclude part of our family so the event being at yours was unacceptable.

Don't get dragged into arguments and ignore the cries of how mean and nasty you are being.

senua · 19/12/2015 09:27

OP, you mentioned a "large extended family". Isn't there someone else who has the room to host the party?

Original poster
Vickymumof4 · 19/12/2015 09:27

Cabrinha sorry didn't mean to imply that all only children behave this way only that she does. ( my best friend is an only and she is amazing) she openly says that she gets what she wants and always has as an only child ... Sorry didn't mean to offend.

OP posts:
UnGoogleable · 19/12/2015 09:32

This reminds me very much of a situation one of my friends experienced. Her son's wife just didn't like her, and consequently, her son cut his mother out of his life for several years with no apparent explanation.

There was no argument, no discernible reason why this happened. My friend said it was like a bereavement. Eventually, my friend forced her son to talk to her and begged him to tell her why he had done this. He came up with a few very petty reasons - reading between the lines I think she had probably been a bit overbearing but nothing bad - and the crux of it was just that his wife didn't like her.

Slowly they have rebuilt the relationship, and now they're fine. But I imagine my friend treads on eggshells around her DIL for fear of it ever happening again (they have DCs now though, so that changes things).

I think it's possible your DIL has just taken against you for no real reason and is trying to control your son. I would stop worrying about making a relationship with her, but make sure you keep seeing your son. Don't ever bad mouth her to him, as that could push him away.

As for the party - I'd do what someone up thread said and say thank you for the kind offer, but to ensure all are welcome you're having it somewhere else.

MeepyMupp · 19/12/2015 09:34

If this post was about the OPs daughter and the DD's boyfriend acting in such a toxic and controlling way regards the DDs family and life he would be called an domestic abuser, which would be correct as that is what he would be. It's not about jealousy , its about control and manipulation. I would hazard a guess that your DS's girlfriend is abusive and controlling . I say this with some experience as this is EXACTALLY a tactic my domestically abusive ex would use, almost to the letter. Just my opinion , but I think it's a massive red flag.

Twinklestein · 19/12/2015 09:34

I know a woman who behaved like that - absolutely lovely family whom I've known since childhood. Their youngest son married a woman who hated his family.

She was very insecure and paranoid and couldn't cope with his large family events and told him his parents were awful and had no friends. She would have nothing to do with them.

Then one day he woke up and realised that everything she said was nonsense, and that she had significant problems.

They divorced and he remarried the most lovely woman who gets on brilliantly with all his family and they've got 2 very sweet kids.

Bakeoffcake · 19/12/2015 09:38

Your son wants his foster sister at his party.

It is HIS party, therefore his sister should be there.

You do need to stop pussyfooting around.

Just tell your eldest son that as his brother wants his sister at the party, if she isn't going to be invited, the party will be cancelled. I don't see why you can't just go to a pub, 17 year olds are allowed into pubs, he'll just have to not have a drink while people are watching

After Christmas I'd have a serious chat with your eldest son about his relationship. I'd be very concerned if he were my child that he was being controlled. Make sure he knows you're all there for him.

Want2bSupermum · 19/12/2015 09:42

I would be moving the party to another venue. Yes pubs have rooms but try community centers and village halls too.

After all has settled down I would be having a word with your elder son. The GF is out of line and he is the one who should be dealing with her. Tell him you are disappointed with the way the relationship has developed and he needs to step up to smooth things out.

IMO you have a duty to make an effort to get along with family. Its not about being buddy buddy but about being civil. My MIL drives me nuts but I smile and get on with it.

Whathaveilost · 19/12/2015 09:43

Pubs aren't out of the question for a party for your youngest DS OP. He can still go in them for a party!

Try church halls and community centres.

Your DS ( the one with the gf) is spineless and things will get worse especially if they have children in the future.
You will be seen as a push over for ever if you don't include foster daughter and I'm sure she will resent you and feel like you have shown your true colours to her ie.that you are not really bothered about her. I know this is untrue because you are frantically trying to sort the dilemma out but this will be how it will feel.

Twinklestein · 19/12/2015 09:44

OP I think you're absolutely right to cancel and just have a smaller thing at your house.

The gf must not be allowed to hold you all to ransome over a party you're paying for. If you allow her to do this now, it will escalate. She's an out of control toddler.

I expect your foster daughter makes her feel insecure in some way, or it may just be to get at you and assert her power.

I would stop going out of your way to shmooze her. If she wants to come along to some family event fine, but if she doesn't show that's fine too.

ohtheholidays · 19/12/2015 09:45

I agree with OP's cancel it being held at they're house.

OP you could still all go to the Pub,lots of pubs are family friendly now and some have function rooms attached to them that they will hire out for free if your using they're bar or if they're doing the food for your party.

Other places we've hired halls from before have been leisure centers,churches and community centers.If you have any Scouts huts or brownies huts near you they hire out they're halls usually as well.

Twinklestein · 19/12/2015 09:46

Yes, a 16 year old can drink beer if accompanied by an adult, so I'm not sure why a pub would be a problem.

BluePancakes · 19/12/2015 09:48

Sounds to me like the older son (with the girlfriend) needs to grow a pair.
Presumably he also hates his foster sister, if he's happy for her not to be invited. Ditto for his brother, if he's happy for his feelings about the guest list not to be considered important.

Bakeoffcake · 19/12/2015 09:50

So the son is "spineless" Hmm

He needs support and reassurance not name calling. If he was a woman people would be saying she was in an abusive relationship.

Bakeoffcake · 19/12/2015 09:51

Oh and now he needs to "grow a pair", how lovelyHmm

Stimpack · 19/12/2015 09:52

I'd cancel it/move it if possible and I'd tell everyone exactly why.

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