Family advice ....my sons girlfriend hates us

[Vickymumof4]

This is my first post and I'm really hoping for some advice. My sons girl friend hates us... It really is as simple as that! I have no idea why or what we ever did to make her this way, but she has always been the same. They have been together for 6 years and recently bought their own house. We have always tried so hard as a family to make her welcome. We try to include her in everything that we do as a family, such as family events, days out, going to dinner or even just inviting them round to eat, but she always has an excuse and never comes leaving my son to come on his own. My youngest son is now joining the navy and we are having a party which they ( I'm assured that it was both of them !) have offered to host at their house for various reasons, which I thought was amazing until we have been told that my daughters BEST friend,a girl we fostered for many years (and like another daughter)isn't allowed to come as my sons girlfriend just doesn't like her either. It really is too late to change venue or cancel, but how can I exclude her? I have tried talking to my son (his g/f will not talk to me about her) but he just tells me it's also his g/f house and we have to respect that ( and I honestly do) however I would never have agreed to have the party there if I'd known. Please give me some advice.

But again I am left wondering why on God's green earth you arranged for the party at hers!

So, why keep hand-feeding the bear that keeps biting your hand?

You should definitely let your son know. People like that rely on you not blowing the whistle on her.

I'd be fuming at her booking a holiday for the day she knew you were organising a surprise party! I assume your ds knows about this???
She's an absolute fruit loop!

I suspect foster daughter has done nothing wrong. DIL could be using this as a way if getting to you OP and maybe hoping you will refuse to go.

She sounds like an utter nut job.
It does not bode well for the future.
I just hope your son gets out of that relationship asap.
I have experience of a toxic in- law

Vicky

She sounds quite frightening

You sound lovely. I hope my dds end up with a MiL like you

Did you ever tell your son about his suprise party?

My sil is the same - always trying to control family business by sabotaging family occasions. She'll lure you into thinking she's happy and going along with plans and then last minute she'll do something to send it all into disarray. Being very late, not turning up, saying she hasn't got the money, falling out with someone and then giving everyone the silent treatment at the do, refusing to eat food prepared for silly reasons, sending nasty texts, spending the entire time on her phone: generally being rude and trying her best to control the event in some way. And I mean every family event - be it wedding, birthday, Christmas.

We have tried everything to help her sort it out. All met with varying degrees of silent treatment to full on tantrums. Rest assured it is not you, or your son, that need to adapt to her. She is passive aggressive and controlling. She will always try to control your family occasions whilst pretending she is being 'nice'. Best thing to do is disengage, have the party elsewhere, tell her you can't have it at hers because son wants foster sister there and let her throw a massive wobbly. She will anyway. It is her condition. Then carry on regardless.

It is sad, but you have to from now on expect this in some way and remove her from the position of control. Expect backlash and her to play on emotions. But remember her behaviour caused this every time. Don't get drawn in to an argument as she will suck you in to an endless row because she won't use the normal social rules you use - it is like being stuck in quicksand. Avoid discussion at all costs and simply state what is happening as facts.

Ask your son what you think she is doing. If he makes the error of telling her, the shit will hit the fan. But at least you will have the chance of helping him extricate himself from the relationship, which must be a nightmare for him.

remember: she excluded herself with her behaviour. All she had to do was be normal and kind. She wasn't. Her fault. Not yours.

you might want to look at the stately homes thread to see what kind of a parent she will be

It is all too easy to character assassinate and psychoanalyse someone over the internet based on a few paragraphs from the OP. The sons girlfriend has been deemed nuts, fruitloop and unhinged. Only Cabrinha and Headofthehive55 seem to share my view that there are two sides to every story. I would suggest that if the OP shares the same information with her family as she has done on MN then it is little wonder that the girlfriend never comes to any events or why she doesn't wish to discuss things as she feels it is pointless.

There does seem to be an issue that is not addressed which the son may know about but does not wish to address with his family and on that basis is throwing his girlfriend under the proverbial bus with his family because of his reticence to address this ( possibly to do with the foster sister ). The son is the one passing messages from OP to the girlfriend and it's likely that neither has a good opinion of the other based on what he is saying to each of them, he could be playing both sides to give himself an easy life maybe. In telling the OP what his girlfriend has said he is not being loyal to his girlfriend and this is not indicative of having respect for women or his relationship, no doubt the same is happening in reverse.

The OP posted looking for support but support does not necessarily mean simply agreeing with what is said, sometimes things have to be looked at from a different perspective. I would certainly move the party elsewhere but maybe don't be so quick to demonise her based upon things she hears third hand. After all they have been together six years and if the son wasn't happy with her then he wouldn't have left the secure loving close family described by the OP only a year ago. The OP doesn't describe any pregnancy or DC so there was no leverage on her part to force the issue of living together, this is his choice and by her own description he is not a 'weak man'.

I think that the speaking to the son about his girlfriend on many occasions is ultimately going to force him to choose and if he is not being entirely honest with either the OP or his girlfriend then it will either force a split or the OP to be frozen out. As much as we want to believe our own children 100% and families, they can do wrong and not every single word can be taken as gospel.

Alternatively it may be the case that she is psychotic and passive aggressive but equally perhaps things are not entirely as the OP describes either after all describing yourself in a warts and all capacity exposing yourself to criticism is pretty difficult to do.

In any event enjoy the party wherever that may be and good luck

I said she was nuts because she co-arranged a party for her BF with the OP and then took him away on holiday.

That is a very weird thing to do.

This issue is not confined to the party with the foster sister, she's behaved bizarrely in other contexts too. Moreover she effectively said that she didn't like any of his family but she could get away with not inviting with foster sister as she wasn't an actual sibling. Which indicates it's not necesarily a specific issue with the girl herself more a way of getting at the family in general.

And where you get off implying that if the OP shares details of her dilemma with her family as she does here it's no surprise that gf won't see or talk to the family I've no idea. It's utterly bizarre.

If the genders were reversed posters would be warning the OP against potentially abusive scenario in which opposition to and isolation from family play a key role.

You're right. Maybe I shouldn't have called gf a fruit loop. I should have called her a nasty, manipulative bint.
Of course we only have OP's side of the story but seriously, who helps to arrange a surprise party and then single handedly throws that into disarray by taking bf away on holiday? On the exact same day!!!

Its reasonable to point out that there are two sides to a story but this mainly tends to happen on MN when the older woman is posting-not when it is DIL or DD.

We always get one side of the story but it does sound as if OP is attempting to handle the situation in a positive way and that this young woman can be very difficult for some reason.

As if 'two sides to a story' needed pointing out.

Posters' issues have to be taken at face value unless there is strong evidence to the contrary, which sometimes there is, but not here.

If every thread was met with 'two sides' this place couldn't function as an advice forum. It would be extremely damaging with regard to abusive relationship and sex offence issues, for example.

What it does is subtly undermine the OP's veracity or at least their sincerity.

I agree Twinklestein -to be of any help at all posts need to be taken at face value.

I also think the ageism that always undermines the perspective of the older person is much worse than the type of "old biddy" posts that are sometimes seen on mumsnet.

It's not your place to speak to adopted daughter. Point out to DS that as he is arranging the party and deciding who goes he is the one who informs those who are or aren't invited.

Stop getting embroiled.

Given the choice DS will prob choose DGF over family. If he is planning a life with her then that is how it will go.

Sad but some men seem blinded by love or something. I don't see how his DM lecturing him is going to do anyone any favours except drive him away.

But it's not your place to 'inform' adopted daughter. let them do their own dirty work.

Of course OP is going to talk to her foster daughter. They are family. The family is trying to organise a farewell party for youngest son. And eldest sons girlfriend is trying to excluded foster daughter.

Its an emotional and upsetting time

I don't know what's happened to MN. The relationships board used to be so supportive

So OP will inform AD that she is not invited. That let's DS off the hook and makes DM the baddy.

And what happens? AD turns up knowing she wasn't invited and risks being banned entry by DGF? DM falls out with DGF as DM wants AD to come?

No, imv DS takes the responsiblity to tell the AD she cannot come due to DGF not liking her. Surely that clears up who is the rude one is and how hurtful she is being.

Saving DS from this embarrassment by making the DM the imparter of bad news is saving him from his DGF's unreasonable behaviour.

DadWasHere ... I feel I am the host of the party though !

Vickymumof4, can I ask, if you were to have kept a diary over the past year, in which you listed how many days and how many times each day you thought about this girl, in one shape or form, how many days do you estimate would have blank entries?

Sargassosea

What are you you talking about? OP tells AD that gf hasn't invited her, as she is the host of the party. She then tells her that it has been relocated due to gf's appalling behaviour.

The idea that it's not the place of the mother and party host to fill in her AD is truly odd.

I'm all for DS taking responsibility for getting his gf in order, but this is not the time

Sorry, didn't realise that the party had been relocated, thought it was at GF and DS's house.

Still don't think it's the DM's place as the DM did not decide that AD couldn't come.

She's the host! It's rude to AD not to tell her herself.

And anyway AD will be in the phone to her as soon as she hears.

Any normal person hosting (tho not paying for!) a party for someone's special occasion shouldn't suddenly disinvite the loved foster sister of the party boy!

any decent host would say that it's the party boy's special occasion. If she hates the foster sister that much then don't push and push to hold the party. Not that she's paying for it.

Taking the OP on face value, and I see no reason not to here, this gf is really actively trying to hurt their family. There have been too many incidents of 'last minute' alterations and power-games here. OP I think you need to stop playing into her hands.

I do hope that your youngest son can have a good send off and that it hasn't been spoiled for him (or for you, though Im sure it'll have left another sour taste)

I think the moral of the story is never attempt this split of party duties with the party in someone's house but the host living elsewhere! (Especially not in OP's circumstances but I think I've gone on about that enough on this thread).

OP I hope something good is cobbled from this unpleasantness and your younger son has a great party with all the people he wants there.

I know from your later posts that you have realised that unfortunately you being kind and giving your DS's girlfriend multiple opportunities to do things co-operatively is masochistic. Harsh lesson to learn but seems to be true.

Best of luck with the rearranged party.

Thanks for all the comments everyone. I know that there are 2 sides to every story but I can only present mine, however I do understand that g/f may see things very differently and as I have said before I would love it if she would just tell me straight. I really only posted to get some opinions on how to handle the party situation and never intended to reveal some of the other things that she has done but as the thread progressed it became necessary to say more to put things into perspective as I think that people thought this was an isolated incident connected to my AD and perhaps that AD has done something that I'm not aware of. She may have done something unintentionally, perhaps rolled her eyes or didn't say the right thing as up until recently they got on fairly well. We are guilty of allowing g/f to behave in ways that ARE offensive and manipulative ( not just how we see it) for my sons sake. He knows she can be a nightmare but he loves her anyway, just not how she behaves toward me and now our AD. I can't make him not love her, she is his choice. I have a very close relationship with all my children, but particularly with my DS ( he is from a previous abusive relationship and at 5 years old became my protector and saved my life, another detail that I didn't want to reveal on an open forum) but perhaps gives more insight into why she hates me and why I allow her to get away with things that ordinarily I would rip her head off for doing ! I think it is this bond that she resents. It really doesn't matter about the party venue now anyway as she feels it is too soon after New Years and has changed her mind so it really lets me off the hook and I am just going to have people drop in at different times of the day and evening at mine. DadWasHere is right in that this g/f occupies my mind at some point everyday purely because I don't understand her and desperately try to work out how I need to change. It feels to me sometimes as though I am back in an abusive relationship, treading on eggshells, trying to work out every possible outcome to every conversation so that I can be prepared. I think she sees me as an easy target / pushover and I hold my hands up to letting her get away with so much, but I will not give her any ammunition to allow her to give my DS an ultimatum. I probably sound a bit dramatic but is how I feel at times. I think if I disappeared she would make my son very happy if that makes sense as I feel that she does love him but her problem is with me. I'm not an old biddy that cannot cut the apron strings, as it may sound ... I'm 45, and and a student nurse (yes ... At my age lol) I have a great life and don't live it through my children! I will continue to include her and be pleasant and if this makes me the crazy one then so be it.