Meeting Ex Casual Bf years later. Sh-tting myself. 2 questions.

[stopmenow]

Not quite years but near enough. Was head over heels in love with him and this was a one way street.

Am scared I'll feel the same and also scared I'll feel nothing.

We stopped seeing each other because he hurt me badly (not cheating just inconsiderate treatment).

1. Should I raise the reasons for our break up to clear the air? (I would kinda like an apology but guess that is worthless after all these years. Is it pointless to explain why he hurt me? Would it be better to be just "that's in the past forget about it and move on" without mentioning it.

1. Has anyone done this and any tips or advice? How was it? Does this kind of thing ever work out?

Better than nobody.

A man who cheats on you, has chosen to be with a different person and doesn't want to be with you is better than being on your own? I ask this kindly, but you can't honestly believe that?

Surely you'd rather be single and fill your life with positive, creative, funny, authentic experiences and thoughts and feelings? And if you want to share your wonderful life with someone, surely you want that person to be loving and respectful and kind and head-over-heels in love with you?

My life has been filled with good experiences and I have loads of funny stories to tell.

I have never really had a relationship where I've been treated right.

I dont get why he didn't want me. He never really tried. I was really nice to him.

His cheating history is concerning though.

No, its a reason to go running to the hills.

I have never really had a relationship where I've been treated right.

Because you have accepted being treated like shit instead of saying "no, I deserve better than this" and walking away.

I dont get why he didn't want me. He never really tried. I was really nice to him.

Because he didnt. The same reason that 90% of the people we meet every day dont want to be with us. He was just not that into you but took what he could while you allowed him to, and while he was looking for someone he was into.

I am sorry to be harsh but the simple facts are that if he wanted to be with you then he would be, it wouldnt take years for him to realise, he would be with you now. He isnt, you need to accept that and move one instead of hanging on for a man who isnt and will never be available for you. Yes he may use you for a while if he gets a bit lonely or horny, but his heart will always be somewhere else.

My life has been filled with good experiences and I have loads of funny stories to tell.

Thinking about, and waiting for, this man doesn't sound like a good or funny experience to me.

Sothat, you took from this thread that the op has her happy ending? Really.

I must say the delusion and desperation in your and op's posts does make me feel...embarrassed for you both.

I had better leave you to it.

Sothat, being nice to someone and sharing a sense of humour doesn't mean they must fall in love with you, it's not all so logical. Also maybe you saw the sex is amazing, but for him it was not uniguely good. Sadly these things are not like success at work, i/e. the more you put in, the more you get as a reward.
Just accept he doesn't see you in a romantic way. You sound very stuck on him, much worse than OP in a way, that way madness lie. Please try and meet other men, and try CBT to challenge these thought patterns.

OP, I did say and think that he may still contact you before the holidays, and in same post said that if he does you must calmly spell it out to him (when you see hi,) that if he does want a relationship, he needs to consider you a lot more, and the sporadic contact will NOT suit you. Please don't be scared to be firm about it, he'll respect you more. I personally do think that you already showed him that you are not anymore running for reassurance like before (at least not directly to him) so he is likely to listen more to your side. See what he says. If he sounds very willing to change his style of communication, i.e. to make an effort, you could give it a go but I'd avoid sleeping with him next time you meet. This will show you whether he's after one thing or not. If he doesn't sound absolutely willing to do that for you (change is style) then drop it. I know it's hard but you'll end up more and nore miserable if you are his gf and he keeps this type of on/off contact.

Good advice from yes. A previous poster mentioned you "renegotiate your boundaries" or such like. You asked how to do that "other than not shagging him". Well you didn't mMage your version but Yes is telling you how to do just that ^ but to be honest what you really want is someone to want to contact you, who checks in, sends you a funny text or a link etc. yiuve already done this once before, he knows what you want, isn't naturally inclined to do it and isn't trying to pull out the stops cos he's thinking I'm bloody lucky to get this second chance.

That was me Thissameearth I still stand by it. If he gets in touch after Christmas, then please be extremely frank about your expectations from him. You have every right to ask he treats you with respect, consideration and with good bloody manners. Basically, how you would treat him.

Christ, just have a frank discussion him about what he wants, where he sees you guys going, and stop this mindfucking craziness of remote analysis. The truth is none of us knows what the fuck he wants, but if you ask him, you might! And that's all that matters. He owes you that. He hurt you terribly before, you have a right to put some markers out, give him the skinny on what you are ok with, and what will make you bail. And then, darling, if he says he wants what you want well then, fuck it, go for it.

We only live once, everyone deserves a second chance and, cards on the table, I gave DH a second chance in similar circumstances. He just wasn't ready for what I was ready for the first time - but I didn't sugar coat it, he was under no illusions that he had to go all in if he wanted me back and to keep me. And he knew I meant every word of it. I knew and sensed the difference straight away - it was the step change from being someone he fancied and hung out with to being the person he cherished above all others.

Thanks ohYes Thisameearth and AGirlCalledJohnny

That all makes a lot of sense and is very helpful. I still am unsure about how to enforce this boundary thing because as is very plain to you all I'm sure I've always been very weak where he is concerned.

Even if I have a talk with him and he says "OK", then what's to stop him just carrying on as before? And what do I do then? Just dump him? how can I make him see I'm serious?

The only card I have to deal is that this ended before at my hand because of his behaviour and it was me that then stuck to that and didn't respond to his attempts to see me - for years. That's about it.

So say

• I meet him for lunch or some kind of no-sex on the cards date. Tell him how I feel and what I want. He is likely to say yes of course whether that is true or not I suppose.
• so then see him for another date. Everything ok. But then he doesn't do what he says, doesn't call is all sporadic contact. Do I then have to say, well I told you and now its over?

I think a big part of the problem is that he probably knows I am weak when it comes to him - or that he can get away with murder- because he senses I really like him. I don't know how to address that really.

Although he did say to me (about when we stopped seeing each) other "I could tell you were starting to have feelings for me." when actually the truth was there was no starting about it. I was well down the track. I was fully in love and had been for a long time. I'd been trying to hide it because I knew it was that for him. So maybe I was more successfully at hiding it than I thought or maybe he was floating that by me to provoke a response from me "I did have feelings for you and was in love with you." although I'm probably overanalyzing that too.

I think I'm just a weak person with poor boundaries and not much clue what I'm doing here or with him.

As everyone said...if you wanted to redefine things you shouldn't have had sex with him last time.

It's like shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted.

But i would have done the same. :(

Gah! stopmenow please just stop fantasising every little scenario. The truth is noone knows what he's thinking, including you until you ask him. Why are you so worried that he will see how you really feel? There is nothing wrong in loving someone you know? You have done nothing wrong. Stop with all the overgrown teen angst. Be honest, see how he feels, ask him to be honest with you. Otherwise, you are going to be still posting here 6 months from now. There is no shame in having strong feelings for someone, if he fucks you around, the shame is his. At least you'll be able to say you tried.

Why are you so worried that he will see how you really feel?

Never thought about this until you asked but the answer is I think I see it as a sign of weakness to love someone who doesn't love you back. If I've ever been in that situation before, I've just hidden it until it was reciprocated. Actually, I've never been in love with someone who hasnt loved me back - even if it took them a while to come round.

As well I think maybe I believe/have been socially conditioned to believe that men are conditioned to be chasers (not just sexually but in terms of emotional commitment) so if a man knows you love him before he feels the same, it's likely to turn him off. Want what you can't have type thing.

Now you've asked me, I think I've just realised I've always thought it was really important to not let a man know you love him until you are pretty sure he feels the same. I thought also maybe all women were like this.

I do think there is something shameful about loving someone who doesn't love you back and it should be hidden. It's poor emotional control isn't it? And bad judgment?

I'm so screwed up aren't I? There is no hope for me I suppose. Thansk for the question Agirlcalledjohnny as it has helped me learn something about myself that I thought everyone was like.

If you really want to know what his intentions are then tell him that you are not opposed to a fuckbuddy type relationship but that you would like to know upfront if that is all he is after.

Tell him that while you would like a committed relationship, you would be happy with a FWB situation as long as you know up front.

That way, he has nothing to lose (he thinks) by being honest with you. If he want a relationship and is just a bit crap at keeping in touch, all is well and good. If he says that all he wants is sex and nothing more then you have to decide if you are prepared to settle for that in the vain hope that one day he will fall in love with you (hint: He wont).

If you tell him that the only way you will be with him is in a committed relationship and he only wants sex then he has a reason to lie, so give him a reason to tell the truth.

I knew you might be asking that, and indeed there are no guarantees, BUT it's better to show him that you have self-respect and will not accept inconsiderate treatment, then not to say it. It's also useful just to see his reaction so that you can manage your expectations.

I don't think he will just lie. Doesn't sound like he was ever an easy habitual liar from what I've read, it was more 'take it or leave, that's the way I am'. So now you can turn the tables and see. If he is not interested in the r-ship, I think you'll see that he is either annoyed at you or makes some jokey/dismissive comments, and likely to start dropping contact after that talk. Just make sure you don't sleep with him on same date.

Otoh if he actually listens and looks thoughtful and promises to be in touch properly - surely you can tell by now when he is genune - then it's up to you to give him a chance. No guarantees again that he will stick to it or it will work, but I think it's pointless telling you not to see him again as it's not realistic, ha!
It's be better not to sleep with him for a while and just date and observe whether he is keen, but again not realistic as you can't be that strong. So the advice is based on the best of what you could do realistically.

first sentence - than not to show/say it, not 'then'

needless to say, that if can tell from his reaction he's not interested in chaning or the relationship, then please stop seeing him as it will destroy both your self-esteem and your chances of meeting others.

argh, 'you can tell', 'changing'.

I do think there is something shameful about loving someone who doesn't love you back and it should be hidden. It's poor emotional control isn't it? And bad judgment?

I think shame is the most harmful of feelings but I don't associate it with loving someone who doesn't love me back. I'm quite comfortable with this. Then again I'd feel very ashamed and humiliated if I was intimate with or confided in someone who I knew was just using me. We're funny creatures, aren't we?

ohYes

I don't think he will just lie. Doesn't sound like he was ever an easy habitual liar from what I've read, it was more 'take it or leave, that's the way I am'. So now you can turn the tables and see.

This is so true. he was all about the "my way or the high way". I'm not sure anything I can do can change that to be honest.

It's probably a question of "faking it till I make it" or more just faking it and then seeing how he responds.

I've given it more thought and think in the circumstances the lack of a phone call before Christmas not a good sign. An email and a sweet one at that was better than nothing - but it had been along time since we'd seen each other and we'd been no contact because I was angry at him. Someone earlier said someting about him maybe wanting to take time to reflect to see if it was a good idea for him. Could be. I'm probably overanalysing as always and just need to leave it till January and see.

Yes, please leave till right at the end of January. I mean that seriously.

What I think would be great for you (as well as writing or speaking about this with someone not connected apart from MNers) is some cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) that's if you want to change your patterns.

Trust me I had this with my last 2 boyfriends, they both weren't ready to settle down, told me as such from not long after I started dating them (but not straight - 1 of them played me, made excuses as to what HE wanted etc). In fact it's worse with a man like yours because he knows what buttons to push and knows you'll fall for them. These men also make it easy to get you to hold on (like 1st ex who I dated when I was being bullied at work). After the CBT although I took a lot of shit from the other ex (BF at time) I saw the signs and when I was on holiday had a long think and talk with someone not connected and broke free. I did get back with him briefly but it was partly to see if he'd changed and he was chasing me and when I did dump him it was no going back ever time.

But you need the light bulb, no bullshit buttons switched on firmly. See yourself as a fish in a river and a fisherman. You don't want to be caught but the fisherman wants to catch you, do you make it easy and swim towards the bait or do you swim free, with your fish friends?!

I don't think he's taking time to think what he wants, he's probably just shagging someone else.

This guy is not into you nor is he offering what you want. The sooner you accept that the less painful it will be.

OP I really hope this works out well for you . None of us here know the outcome but a fair few of us are concerned for you because we have been in similar situations that did not end well.
Please learn to love yourself.

There is nothing worse than being dependant on another person for your mental well being. Believe me I have been there X

he's probably just shagging someone else.

He's abroad over Xmas and NY so it's perfectly possible- but same is true for me though. This was a first date after a long time so it's a bit psycho for either of us to suddenly assume that this is all systems go and we are now exclusive or have exclusive expectations. It really was like a first date in lots of ways.

Of coures I am hoping that in January when he gets back he calls me and I get to see him again but I understand that he maynot be interested at all or just wanting a fuck buddie. I'm not going to know until he gets back and if we see each other.

All I know is that if he wants to see me I will go because I do still like him alot and I'd rather do that and face the pain (even if its a foregone end result) than spend my life wondering what if. Let's face it how often in your life time (at least in mine anyway) do you find that kind of electrifying sexual chemistry.