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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Meeting Ex Casual Bf years later. Sh-tting myself. 2 questions.

237 replies

stopmenow · 16/12/2015 00:14

Not quite years but near enough. Was head over heels in love with him and this was a one way street.

Am scared I'll feel the same and also scared I'll feel nothing.

We stopped seeing each other because he hurt me badly (not cheating just inconsiderate treatment).

  1. Should I raise the reasons for our break up to clear the air? (I would kinda like an apology but guess that is worthless after all these years. Is it pointless to explain why he hurt me? Would it be better to be just "that's in the past forget about it and move on" without mentioning it.
  1. Has anyone done this and any tips or advice? How was it? Does this kind of thing ever work out?
OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 19/12/2015 01:52

Hi

I've been reading this forum for a long time but never registered. I registered when I saw this.

I ended up in one of these too. Old short time bf came back, and he strung me along with a random date every few weeks....he's gone again. I said some very harsh words when he did.

But believe it or not, this thread has made me think mine might have the balls to show up again. I almost wish he would, it is going to be a very lonely christmas.

Bogeyface · 19/12/2015 01:58

SoThatHappened

But wont it be much lonelier if he does show up and then fucks off again?

He can only hurt you as long as you let him. Stop seeing him when he calls and he cant do it can he?

Ignore the calls and texts. If you see him do a breezy "Hi! How are you? I am great! Bye then...". Stop giving him the power to do this to you, alone is not the same as lonely.

SoThatHappened · 19/12/2015 02:05

"But wont it be much lonelier if he does show up and then fucks off again?"

Bogeyface

Yes it will make me feel worse. I felt so angry with myself when it happened the second time. But I am so lonely right now I dont care.

The problem is, I gave him hell when he fucked off again and gave him a hard time. He isnt texting or calling at all and I guess that is my fault.

Mind you stopmenow's came back after years, this is only 6 months so I guess still hope.

Not sure who you do the bold text on here so didnt highlight names etc. Sorry.

Bogeyface · 19/12/2015 02:14

Are you missing him? Or are you missing having a special someone?

And the fact that he isnt getting in touch is because he listened to you, and you should listen to you! When you told him to fuck off and never contact you again because he is an utter cunt (guessing here!) then thats because you meant it. Dont fold now, just because you wish you had someone who loves you. He doesnt love you.

Even if he was back in your life, would it make you feel better? Of course not. You would be back to the uncertainty, the worry, and ..... you would still be lonely! There is no loneliness worse than the type you get when you are supposed to be in a relationship.

SoThatHappened · 19/12/2015 02:23

It's hard to tell. When we are together I do genuinely enjoy his company. He's smart, funny, great in bed. I make him laugh lots too. We both look good together on paper and are great in bed and I dont know why he didnt make me his gf.

Here's the but and it's a huge one. He's flaky, unreliable, cannot stand confrontation, he flips it around to make you feel sorry. He has cheated in both major relationships. My mind screams he is wrong for me but my heart won't release the hope I have. We didn't long he doesnt know me at all. Maybe if he did get to know me....I know it sounds so pathetic .

He ended it as he got someone else and I challenged him and told him he was unreliable and crap and asked why the hell he led me on when he knew he wasnt interested. I never cursed him out properly.

I guess if the OPs man came back after many years, mine would have the audacity to as well. Maybe. I guess he thinks I am a sure thing.

SoThatHappened · 19/12/2015 02:27

That should have said we didnt date long...There is a word missing.

CherryPits · 19/12/2015 04:46

SoThatHappened, Don't wait for this one. The torturous every couple of weeks guys really don't care enough to bother with you properly and if they return its only for more of the same. I've been married 10 years now, but I had a few of those unreliables in my past. They certainly make their mark on a person, but you have to force yourself onto better and fresher, less demoralizing situations. honestly you do.

Isetan · 19/12/2015 06:41

You're trying to put a therapeutic/ hopeful romantic/ closure type spin on a liaison with someone who you suspect, sees you as nothing more than a easy shag, how fucking depressing.

You've let your unresolved feelings for this man become some kind of perverse comfort blanket and your entertainment of this 'cheap arse meal and incredibly convenient shag opportunity' is indicative, of someone who doesn't value themselves. How on earth are you going to show that you're worth more, if you insist on accepting less.

Twinklestein · 19/12/2015 09:16

Its not the end of the world, but I do worry that the OP thinks that she is the one in control when her posts show that she clearly isnt

I totally agree, but you can only lead a horse to water. If she wants to have sex with him and discover he's still not that into her the very hardest and most painful way possible, there's nothing we can do.

pizzaeatingmonkey · 19/12/2015 18:06

I hope she is ok, quite concerned that she's not been on here!

Original poster
stopmenow · 20/12/2015 18:58

Update from me.

So...

on the plus side (for all the pizza/potnoodle naysayers) turns out he pulled out all the stops and cooked a pretty impressive 5 course meal featuring amongst other things a fairly technical fresh lobster salad. Tablecloth, roses, candles, the works.

on the negative side (rather predictible) I of course succumbed (after some (I thought) genuine but (turns out) subconcious token resistence) and slept with him.

on the plus side, I had a lovely evening and the sex was really REALLY great. There was a lot of "I've really missed you" "let's get back together" "you are really beautiful" type stuff.

on the negative side, he is away for Christmas (out of the UK and out of Europe) visiting family so I know I won't see him until new year.

also on the negative side, it's now 48 hours since Friday - and I haven't heard from him at all - but that always kind of was his personality, he was very "pull back after intimacy". When we were dating before, it would really get to me and I'd chase him with "what a great evening" type texts. This time I'm more "meh! it's just him. he'll call me when he's ready. chasing him doesn't help either of us."

So summary
really really nice evening
he made a big effort
yes, reader, I shagged him and twas good
was it a catastrophic idea? I'll let you know at the end of January whether the "let's get back together" had really any intention.

But right now, I'm happy I went, would have liked to have heard from him since Friday but am OK with it all.

And yes, it turns out I am still in love with him all this time later.

OP posts:
Original poster
stopmenow · 20/12/2015 19:02

BTW please don't think I'm naiive - I do understand completely that this could have been a "make some effort to get a shag" whether that is ONS, short term gap filling shag or something more intermediate but temporary.

I still had a really fab time and am not yet in tears. I may be back here come 2016 in need of a box of tissues but it's not like I'm unaware that this could have been a ONS conquest for him.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 20/12/2015 19:10

Of course the 'lets get back together' has no intention. It was only casual when u were last together anyway.

If the sex was good he might come back for more, but you're not going to get any more out of him than you did last time.

If you want to waste January hoping for something that will never happen.

Twinklestein · 20/12/2015 19:11

That's up to you I meant to say.

TurnipCake · 20/12/2015 19:24

Oh OP, set your sights higher than a fecking lobster salad and tablecloth.

For all the 'I've missed you's' and 'Let's get back together', are you? No, you haven't even heard from him and he's conveniently 'away' over Christmas.

Don't be a sitting duck, you'll now be in knots about whether to send him a Merry Christmas message pouring excuses about why he won't respond when he doesn't, then will come around NYE and a self-fulfilling prophecy about feeling rubbish in the new year when it doesn't come to fruit.

Get onto Baggage Reclaim and read about emotional unavailability, you'll see so much of him there.

bimandbam · 20/12/2015 19:49

You aren't in love with him. Only with the idea of it otherwise you would be in tears by now.

Chalk it up to a fab night, smile about it but keep looking for someone better. Draw lessons from his seduction techniques and move on.

Bogeyface · 20/12/2015 20:34

This time I'm more "meh! it's just him. he'll call me when he's ready."

Yeah, its "just him" who treated you like crap and left you broken hearted. By doing exactly the same thing again cant you see that he is proving beyond doubt that he hasnt changed a bit?

Bogeyface · 20/12/2015 20:35

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Albert Einstein

ohYestoYestyn · 20/12/2015 20:54

to be fair he did chase her persistently for quite a while. I'd think he is taking it all in and seeing what he feels - can go both ways of course, but he MAY want to get back together properly after all hte missing/chasing he's done. But if you don't hear from him before he goes away for holidays, OP, then bad news.
Atm you are happy cos you are on a high from a good night. I don't think you'll be 'meh' for long.

MissApple · 20/12/2015 22:18

You've been completely mugged off love.

SoThatHappened · 20/12/2015 23:50

Exactly how long was he out of touch? How many years?

I feel ashamed, mine didnt even go to that much effort :(

Helmetbymidnight · 21/12/2015 07:35

Oh dear.

So you loved him last time- he didn't love you.
He treated you Inconsiderately last time.
What's different now?

Oh I know, when he treats you badly you will say 'aww, it's just his personality'

Duckdeamon · 21/12/2015 09:25

You wanted sex after that much food? Confused

spudlike1 · 21/12/2015 09:30

He's seduced you , you've fallen for it, the meal.was all about him showing off.
Hope you find plenty of distractions over Xmas .
When a man is serious and wants to be in a relationship you know , he calls, he contacts you are not left doubting
You have huge doubts

bunique · 21/12/2015 09:43

When a man is serious and wants to be in a relationship you know , he calls, he contacts you are not left doubting

Absolutely this ^ no matter how "flaky" he might have been in the past.

I always say that the reason I knew I'd end up marrying my husband is that there was none of this second guessing, game playing, emotional torture. It was straightforward. It was happy! I was left in no doubt to his feelings for me and never had to manipulate situations to get answers. Life is too short to waste on this guy, he sounds exactly like the person I was with before my husband!