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Original poster

Meeting Ex Casual Bf years later. Sh-tting myself. 2 questions.

237 replies

stopmenow · 16/12/2015 00:14

Not quite years but near enough. Was head over heels in love with him and this was a one way street.

Am scared I'll feel the same and also scared I'll feel nothing.

We stopped seeing each other because he hurt me badly (not cheating just inconsiderate treatment).

  1. Should I raise the reasons for our break up to clear the air? (I would kinda like an apology but guess that is worthless after all these years. Is it pointless to explain why he hurt me? Would it be better to be just "that's in the past forget about it and move on" without mentioning it.
  1. Has anyone done this and any tips or advice? How was it? Does this kind of thing ever work out?
OP posts:
Bogeyface · 16/12/2015 15:56

So you are going in the hopes that he has pined after you all these years, is a changed man and will want to be with you forever?

We will be here the morning after you have shagged him and are feeling worse than you did after he used you the first time around.

Taghain · 16/12/2015 17:33

I'd meet him.
I was terribly hurt by my first ex, and pined, dereamed of them for years.
Meeting again, somehow the changes made the old longings disappear and I was free of the past,
It worked for me.

daisychain01 · 16/12/2015 17:53

Sorry to go against the grain, but I am mystified why you would go to the bother of investing time in a meetup with someone who is history, the past and won't be your future.

That's the bare and grim reality.

daisychain01 · 16/12/2015 17:54

Oops sorry, I should have read your post, bogey!

ricketytickety · 16/12/2015 18:00

Sorry to be blunt, but he probably wants to hook up for a shag. He won't want to talk about why he was inconsiderate to you before. I'll put you out of your misery: the answer is... he isn't a considerate person.

That said, if you want no strings then he's your guy. If you aren't still in love with him or desperate to please it could be fun, but only if you are over it. If you aren't over it, you'll be feeding that monster and you'll get hurt again.

bjrce · 16/12/2015 19:54

I think you are mad to even consider meeting up with this guy.

You are not over him.

This is what will happen: You'll meet him, have a few drinks, get relaxed, have a great laugh together talking about old times. He'll say " I am so sorry for the way I treated you, I really regret it Blah, Blah, Blah!,
You'll think he's changed, You'll sleep with him, he'll hurt you again!.
You will end up getting hurt again.

Don't meet him. These guys never change!

Norest · 16/12/2015 19:57

Eh...seems like you have built him into a fantasy, into much more than he actually was. Even IF the meet goes well, and he is 'changed', how will he ever live up to those years of you putting him on a pedestal?

Paperblank · 16/12/2015 20:35

Don't go. Save yourself the heartache because sure is eggs is eggs that's where this is headed.

He will come out with any old bollocks to get in your knickers, he will be charming, witty and irresistible because he is looking for:
A) a christmas booty call
B) a bolthole for when his current relationship goes tits up

An apology/explanation now is utterly meaningless - your relationship is in the past. Leave it there.

spudlike1 · 16/12/2015 20:37

Are you trying to regain the upper hand ..show him what he missed out on . I think you'll be dissapointed because you're still hankering after him and he still has the upper hand. Tread very carefully

spudlike1 · 16/12/2015 20:39

Mind you if it was me id be going ,purely out of curiosity. .but only if I felt super confident that I wouldn't be hurt .
What he thinks of you really shouldn't matter

MacFox · 16/12/2015 20:44

If he really is angling for a shag then he is very cruel isnt he???
He knows you had feelings for him and he is lazy enough to shag you of all people,;and cruel enough to open old wounds.

Eekaman · 16/12/2015 20:46

Meet him.

You were kids last time around, now you are adults. Any anyone who doesn't think that adults can behave better than teenagers (ie, everyone who's posting here telling you not to meet because of his previous form) should have a good look at themselves. Good luck op :)

EchoOfADistantTide · 16/12/2015 20:54

How long since you split? You said in the title 'years' later' then in your OP you said 'not quite years' which seems to suggest this isn't that far in the past. I think it's abad idea if it's fairly recent.

Helmetbymidnight · 16/12/2015 20:55

Eh, where does op say how old they were then and now?

OuchLegoHurts · 16/12/2015 21:02

A different perspective here. I was messed around in college and for a year after out by the love of my life...I was totally infatuated but I always held my own and acted like I had other options etc. Totally broke my heart. Finally finished with him 'for good'. Moved on, had another boyfriend etc. Ended up working in a town near where he lived 2 years later. Met up, got on great, I felt in control of my feelings and didn't really fancy him. Started meeting up as friends again...it wasn't long until we were together again, but properly this time. No issues, no problems and we're married ten years this summer. We are best friends as well as lovers. I would trust him with my life. We were very young when he was messing around, and he grew up since that. And yet I'd be the first to warn you away from someone who has hurt you, if it happened when you were adults. So I think it totally depends on age. If there's a chance he was young and foolish and is now realising what he lost then definitely give it another chance. If he was a fully grown dickhead then don't go back for more!!!

Original poster
stopmenow · 16/12/2015 22:25

bjrce's comment here is pretty spot on. Even I can see that.

^This is what will happen: You'll meet him, have a few drinks, get relaxed, have a great laugh together talking about old times. He'll say " I am so sorry for the way I treated you, I really regret it Blah, Blah, Blah!,
You'll think he's changed, You'll sleep with him, he'll hurt you again!.
You will end up getting hurt again.^

I feel like I can see the train coming down the track but - for some weird strange reason - I can't help throwing myself in front of it. It's almost compulsive. I know people will say "but you are an adult and can make a choice not to do this". Yes Iknow but at the same time I want to do it.

The great event is friday night.

PREPARE YOURSELF FOR COMEDY LAUGHS

last night he emailed saying I should go round to his for dinner and he will do gourmet cooking.

I know. I know. I know.

Don't shout at me.

I'm going to do it.

I need any further advice about managing a bad situation.

Dress? Behaviour? Leaving? Pre booking a cab? Honestly - I get this is very near emotional suicide but I'm going to do it - so any kind, helpful practical advice (other than don't do it) would be very much appreciated.

OP posts:
flatbellyfella · 16/12/2015 22:32

Take a friend with you.

Hillfarmer · 16/12/2015 22:32

Go ahead be a twit. See if you can get your self-esteem down to an all-time low, just for fun. Really OP... what do you want from us?

Bogeyface · 16/12/2015 22:37

You have ignored all the other helpful advice, so not going to waste my time to help you create a car crash situation where you will get hurt.

But as I said above, we will be here when it all goes badly, as it will.

spudlike1 · 16/12/2015 22:52

Let us know

Solasum · 16/12/2015 22:52

I was once told that if you really want to make yourself avoid sex, you should write on your stomach or thighs or wherever in thick black marker something that will give you pause before hand even after a few drinks. The idea being only you know it is there, and to avoid humiliation you won't want anyone else to see it. 'Another notch on his bedpost' 'told you so' or worse.

I can understand the compulsion to go. Dress nicely, wear horrible granny pants, and do not drink too much. Glass of water for every glass of wine. Pre booked car sounds like a good idea. Keep it light, and be dignified. Do not end up drunkenly asking why he rejected you.

Desirable, aloof, utterly unobtainable. And when you leave, say goodbye and mean it.

ChinUpChestOut · 16/12/2015 23:03

Oh Lord help us. The phrase "glutton for punishment" was invented just for you.

Having said that, you're not over him, are you? I think I'd go, thinking "I'll probably have sex with him", and then when I'm there I bet I'd go "nah, actually, been there done that". Give yourself permission, don't beat yourself up about it and decide whether you get naked when you're there. Bet you don't shag him.

Original poster
stopmenow · 16/12/2015 23:06

I was once told that if you really want to make yourself avoid sex, you should write on your stomach or thighs or wherever in thick black marker something that will give you pause before hand even after a few drinks. The idea being only you know it is there, and to avoid humiliation you won't want anyone else to see it

Crazy advice but crazily good advice.

I should write "I knew I'd weaken and shag you but I still think you are an utter c*nt". That's not good enough though is it?

It would need to be "I',m a member of the nazi party" type stuff. (I'm not but you get it)

OP posts:
ohYestoYestyn · 16/12/2015 23:24

OP, but WHY didn't you insist that you go out instead of having dinner at his? it would have been so much easier to not be tempted then. Were you scared that if you don't agree he'll change his mind?

hownottofuckup · 16/12/2015 23:33

actually I think I knew I'd weaken and shag you but I still think you're an utter cunt is definitely the way to go Grin