Meeting Ex Casual Bf years later. Sh-tting myself. 2 questions.

[stopmenow]

Not quite years but near enough. Was head over heels in love with him and this was a one way street.

Am scared I'll feel the same and also scared I'll feel nothing.

We stopped seeing each other because he hurt me badly (not cheating just inconsiderate treatment).

1. Should I raise the reasons for our break up to clear the air? (I would kinda like an apology but guess that is worthless after all these years. Is it pointless to explain why he hurt me? Would it be better to be just "that's in the past forget about it and move on" without mentioning it.

1. Has anyone done this and any tips or advice? How was it? Does this kind of thing ever work out?

This really brings out my anxious attachment feeling. God. I just needed to wait and keep calm instead of getting so hysterical.

Er yeah, just convince yourself that you have an anxious attachment feeling. Nothing to do with the fact that he hasn't got in touch since Saturday and used to treat you like crap.

You are intent on contorting yourself for this guy. What a shame.

Gosh, you really are a crumb-acceptor aren't you?

Re-read this thread from start to finish at least twice before you answer him if you haven't already sent one in frenzied girly delight

Strikethrough fail

I honestly can't see why this is so bad now! I knew he was going away and it's only been since Friday night so that's 3 and a half days! He has now got in touch and sent me a lovely text.

Obviously I'd have preferred it if he'd called me on Saturday but not all guys would do that anyway.

I'm feeling much better about the whole thing now I've heard from him. It's not as bad as I feared and it will depend what happens in January I think when he gets back and how he is then.

I agree it was a mistake for me to sleep with him in the circs and so close to christmas as well - but it's done.

There is also a part of me that wonders whether this was a bit of a test from him to see if I would get all "why haven't you called me" which is definitely my personality and I have done this with him in the past. So I'm really glad I didn't.

The main thing I'm feeling really is relief that he has got in touch with me and I don't have a miserable Christmas obsessing about his silence and getting more anxious about him and whether he meant anything he said.

I'm glad I'm no so down about it for Christmas.

You're not a prize idiot at all and that feeling is there for a reason - it's telling you this guy, this relationship, is not right for you. Not bothering to contact you since Saturday is crap - but even if it wasn't, it leaves you feeling crap and you need to listen to that. If you settle for this and tell yourself it's your fault because of your attachment style, you will be reinforcing that feeling and it will get stronger.

You'll know when it's real love because it won't feel like this. Real love looks like the other person understanding your weaknesses and working to lessen the most, not making them worse.

There is also a part of me that wonders whether this was a bit of a test from him to see if I would get all "why haven't you called me"
Ugh really?? Run. Run and don't look back.

I honestly can't see why this is so bad now!

Really? You think that this is a great situation for you, with your "anxiety attachment" issues, to be in?

I'm feeling much better about the whole thing now I've heard from him.

Yes, dopamine.

What did you reply?

If he was sorry at all he would have already said it. That would be the first thing he did when he contacted you. He won't be waiting to see you to say it. If he says it when you meet up it's because he wants to shag you.

You are glutton for punishment.

If you're back together and already very invested in this relationship for your happiness (not sensible), and you think you love him but that he doesn't love you it's a very big - and unecessary - risk to take.

It's not an "attachment issue" to want contact from someone you're (back) in a relationship with.

What did he say in his text?

I'm really sorry if my blunt message made you feel bad
I'm projecting a little because of what I've seen my friend go through.

Believe me, I know the rush you get when he finally texts. I bet you were elated, and shaking and totally over the moon. It's addictive.

But it's not love, it's not a relationship. As someone else has said, when you find someone who really cares about you, there is none of that awful hanging on a thread because he'll just tell you how he feels and won't play the guessing game with you.

The fact that you're trying to psychoanalyse the situation - 'he's testing you' (do you really believe that? I seriously doubt he's given this as much thought as you give him credit for) or 'it's your fault because you're over anxious' (you might be, but you didn't force him to booty call you then not contact you for 3 days) - doesn't bode well.

Take care of yourself OP, and don't let this man impact on your happiness over Christmas.

Lots of women have been in situations like this. I could have written this thread at one point.

Mine did get in touch with lovely texts....to keep me on the hook until he needed me again.

Then he went.

This thread prompted me to look him up last night. I feel sick now.

I think thats why there has been such a strong reaction to the OP, so many of us have been there and we cant stand watching someone go through it.

But maybe it is one of those life lessons that you really do have to learn for yourself, no amount of advice from others will replace the experience of your heart being utterly stomped on :(

If you're in your 30s and want DC even more reason to avoid spending too much time and energy on this man if the indications suggest he's not that into you.

In a perverse way this has given me hope.

Mine has gone off with someone else but only used me for sex.

But if the ops can come years later after a bad break up and only a casual relationship, maybe mine can too.

Why would you want him back??

Because I really like him. Better than nobody.

If you feel there are loose ends that need tying up, go for it.
He's not a twat. He just didn't fancy you as much as you fancied him, and wasn't a saint.

Surely there are better things to hope for?

What's so special about these blokes? OP's is seemingly a good cook, but angst is bad for the digestion!

And still isn't a saint, doubtless. Don't expect him to act like one.

Blimey, I read first page of OP just wanting to find out why?, no strings attached to this page, "it was a mistake for me to sleep with him..." Everybody warned you. Why are you setting yourself up for this huge fall?

Mine has a sense of humour exactly like mine (it's pretty dark and naughty), bloody awesome sex, etc. Understanding and not judgmental.

His cheating history is concerning though.

I dont know what it was that made him not want me as a gf. I thought we got on well together.