Meeting Ex Casual Bf years later. Sh-tting myself. 2 questions.

[stopmenow]

Not quite years but near enough. Was head over heels in love with him and this was a one way street.

Am scared I'll feel the same and also scared I'll feel nothing.

We stopped seeing each other because he hurt me badly (not cheating just inconsiderate treatment).

1. Should I raise the reasons for our break up to clear the air? (I would kinda like an apology but guess that is worthless after all these years. Is it pointless to explain why he hurt me? Would it be better to be just "that's in the past forget about it and move on" without mentioning it.

1. Has anyone done this and any tips or advice? How was it? Does this kind of thing ever work out?

Sexual chemistry is great, as long as the rest of the relationship makes you feel good about yourself. As someone who is now married to a previously ex bf, when we got back together it was full on wooing, wining and dining and a straight up chat about how there would be no more games.

I've been following this, willing him to have phoned you or got in touch over Christmas. Anyone who cared about you would want to do that. The fact that he hasn't doesn't indicate that he sees this as the start of a new relationship. I really want this to work for you, but the only way it will is if you are totally straight with what you need, and prepared to walk away if he doesn't meet your needs.

Blimey. I've just read this thread. It's like watching a car crash in slow motion.

All I can say, stopme. is that I've had crappy 'relationships' like yours, and when you find the right person there is none of this bollocks. No game-playing, no hiding feelings, no trying to second-guess what the other person is feeling. You are both on the same page.

If there's an imbalance from the start then it's never going to work. If you treat him mean, and hold off from contacting him, then yes, the balance might tip in your favour for a while and you'll feel in control. But good relationships aren't like that. They're equal. There can't be any longevity if you are playing games with one another.

I met my husband 10 years ago. He told me he loved me after about three weeks. If that had been a previous boyfriend I'd have been running for the hills. But because he was the right person it felt completely normal. Find someone who doesn't run for the hills when you tell them you love them OP. it's worth it.

so ok, you'll go and see him if he asks you out in Jan, but what is your plan then? How much of htat possible pain you'll be taking to stop wondering 'what if?', 2-3 meetings or more? You really can't just go like a lamb to slaughter, you know!

As I suggested before, it's best no to sleep with him for a while and just meet up a FEW times, not just once, it's at least a way to see if he is interested. Sutel;y you can see that if he is really interested, he'll show patience. And no he won't think you aer just playing games because he knows full well that you've been hurt and need to be careful. He knows it's HIS fault that you are cautious. You can be straight with him at this point, that you need more regular contact if more is going to hsappen. He'll understand that he needs to step. Otherwise he thinks all is fine and you will just accept anything.

Also if you think he is definitely not in love, why would you want to see him? If you are hoping that he is (but is commitment-phobe) then he will have to show it to you with his actions and fight his own issues. Otherwise if not, what is the point of getting involved again? You;ll never be able to be just FBs.

*step up

How about taking some charge of your own destiny?

Never would I hanker after a man who would keep me as a possible option, he totally knows you know this hence his treatment of you. Do you not see how by behaving like this you are actually making yourself undesirable as a long term prospect.

Russellgroup

Do you not see how by behaving like this you are actually making yourself undesirable as a long term prospect.

What do you mean by "behaving like this"? I cut him off for a long time. Do you mean sleeping with him this time?

What would you suggest to make me more "desirable as a long term prospect"?

Not sure what you are getting at exactly. I get I shouldn't have slept with him but I did and I managed to refrain from calling/chasing him until he contated me. I also cut him off before when he behaved badly. I ignored him when he tried to get in touch repeatedly.

OP look at your original post - casual and one way street. Do you really think that's changed over night for him, seriously?! No. And he's probably really pleased as to how easy it was to snare you again.

Read and reread some of these replies OP as they talk a lot of sense.

You cut him off for a long time after he treated you like shit. But then when he came back after years, you met him an had sex with him and then didnt contact you right away and when is your next meeting?

Exactly.

If you wanted things to change, a dinner outside, followed by you going home and not to his place would have been a better start. You have told him he can come back any time he likes and do this.

But if mine came back tomorrow, id meet him. I hope i'd be able to not sleep with him.

Thank you to everyone who gave me advice on this thread and shared their thoughts (however brutal!and true) and happy new year to you all.

I hope 2016 is good for all of you and me too!

If I have anything positive to up date (not optimistic!) I'll update here.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Aw this is a nice msg - thanks you too! middle class prosecco emoticon required urgently

My friend used to do this, in fact still is, she had very low self esteem , not tradionally good looking but always used to pull the best looking and coolest guys.
They treated her like shit and she always went back for more. She was always on the back burner for one man or another.

Now she's settled down with another good looking 'cool' guy.
He treats her like absolute shit. He doesn't lift a finger around the house and has tried it on with her friends.

He talks to her like dirt , criticises her parenting and everything is her fault.
But she is so grateful to him for changing her life, settling down and having kids with her.

And I am alone, a lonely festive season. I had a marriage but exh wasn't good enough, I felt alone in the marriage. I had a couple bfs since but they weren't good enough, liars and one quite abusive.

I'm now alone, not quite knowing how to carry on with my life but I would so much rather be alone than being treated like crap by people who don't respect me.

Hi Op, how is it going? any contact on NYE or since?

Happy Mew Year to you, wishing you a new stronger attitude whether with him or other men!