Meeting Ex Casual Bf years later. Sh-tting myself. 2 questions.

[stopmenow]

Not quite years but near enough. Was head over heels in love with him and this was a one way street.

Am scared I'll feel the same and also scared I'll feel nothing.

We stopped seeing each other because he hurt me badly (not cheating just inconsiderate treatment).

1. Should I raise the reasons for our break up to clear the air? (I would kinda like an apology but guess that is worthless after all these years. Is it pointless to explain why he hurt me? Would it be better to be just "that's in the past forget about it and move on" without mentioning it.

1. Has anyone done this and any tips or advice? How was it? Does this kind of thing ever work out?

ohyes

I think option two will elicit 'are you insane? it's only been three days' response or no response at all.

I've had this kind of thing before from him but at way less than three days.

I'm so like you - I prefer to act rather then sit and wait, but now fore. Maybe he wants to see if you aer the same and chase him - great time to show him you aer stronger this time.

Yes - it's a really flaw in me. It becomes like an overwhelming panic feeling so I have to call/email/follow up with a "why haven't you called me/where are you". As I said it applies to friends too and it's something I really struggle with. To people who don't feel anxious attachment it looks totally psycho!

To everyone posting he wanted a shag and got a shag, you may very well be right. But a lot of what he said when I saw him was really different to before (markedly so - the type of stuff he had never previously said, even when he had been trying to get me into bed) and he had put a big effort into the evening. I know he's not in love with me, I'm not sure he loves anyone really other than himself!

I suppose I know that I have to do nothing and wait it out til new year. If he gets in touch then when he's back from abroad, all well and good. If not, then that's that.

Also I think partly I have this drive to contact him because I'm becoming more anxious about it. It's like I want to force a row now to end it now. I suppose that won't happen though - it's more likely I get "it's only been 3 days you are crazy" or "sorry been busy, thought you knew I was going away will contact you in new year".

If I'm honest I do expect him to get in touch in the new year and it's more about saying now "I hate it when you don't call me and I feel like I'm waiting for you. please call me" But then what I'm really saying is "please call me to make me feel better" - and really what's the point of that if you don't have anything to say and are going to be on the otherside of the world.

see getting more anxious-

Oh love, you walked right into this didn't you?

I have a friend who is in a very similar situation. She keeps insisting she's in control of her feelings, and keeps giving in to the utter bastard who is using her as a cheap shag. I hate seeing it, and your post reminds me so much of her.

You went through a bad time with this guy. You got on with your life, you survived it. And now you've stepped right back into the shitty situation you've spent years getting over.

He won't suddenly fall in love with you. He won't be different this time around. He wants what he had before - and you're giving it to him.

If you're ok with what you had before, go for it. If you're not, just stop right now.

You split before because he was inconsiderate. Now he's got laid and is being inconsiderate again...as predicted and warned by the majority of posters on this thread.

Do you honestly think he'd have no time to text? Normal caring people would find the 30 secs needed to text because it would be important to them and you.

Truth is, he doesn't want to contact you or make any investment in you. Seriously, the sooner you wake up to him the better.

To everyone posting he wanted a shag and got a shag, you may very well be right. But a lot of what he said

Judge him on his actions, not his words. A man who respected and liked you would have been in touch by now because he would have been thinking about you.

It's like I want to force a row now to end it now.

No, it's like you want to force contact, any contact, just to scratch that itch.

I'm worried that when you finally accept the reality of this situation you are going to hit a real low. Why have you done this to yourself?

great time to show him you are stronger this time

What?

You are utterly deluded.
It's clear you want a relationship with him while he wants a casual shag who adores him. You think the tablecloth meant he was a changed man? And that not texting after three days is normal?
Wow. I am sorry for you.

You should read 'Hes just not that into you'.

You can do all the soul searching you like, trying to work out his motives, what it means if he doesn't text you etc etc

But here's one undeniable fact:

If he wanted to contact you, he would contact you.

He doesn't want to contact you.
He doesn't want to hear how your day went
He doesn't want to make you smile, or make sure you know he likes you, or share jokes with you

How does that make you feel? Because it should make you not want to let him use you for sex again.

Clearly you're not stronger this time. As well as my previous post hoping you'd wake up to what he's like, you also need to be honest with what you're like.

You're desperate for contact, any contact, even if it's just to argue.

Seriously, do yourself a favour and cut him out of your life. This had car crash written all over it from the start.

If he wanted to contact you, he would contact you.

He doesn't want to contact you.
He doesn't want to hear how your day went
He doesn't want to make you smile, or make sure you know he likes you, or share jokes with you

How does that make you feel?

It makes me want to cry. I read that and I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes feeling completely shit about myself and totally worthless.

Your not shit or worthless. Your just into a guy whose not into you. That's all.

No, it's like you want to force contact, any contact, just to scratch that itch.
You're desperate for contact, any contact, even if it's just to argue.

I accept that may be right but it doesn't feel like it.
I now feel so shit. I don't want to spend Christmas feeling like this. I don't know what to do.

I now feel like I should email him saying "Thought you meant what you said about getting back together but since you haven't bothered to get in touch, I see that nothing has changed. I enjoyed dinner but let's leave it at that. I don't want to date someone who obviously doesn't care about be. Have a good Christmas and no hard feelings but lets draw a line under this. which is probably where we should have left it in the past."

obviously doesn't care about me that should say.

I accept that may be right but it doesn't feel like it.

Well, I might be wrong but I know I've certainly been like that - wanting any contact, good or bad, just to feel any connection.

Please, I am begging you, do not send him any email.

Can I ask how old you are?

Look if it's any consolation, I imagine he'll feel like a shag in the new year.

If you have an anxious attachment style, it is so important to pair with someone who has a secure attachment style. You don't have an anxious style because you are somehow broken or deficient, you have it because your needs weren't met in the past bad it's likely you've never allowed yourself to believe that you truly deserve to be tested right.

I think thinking about why you are willing to tolerate such poor behaviour would be a good place to start. This guy knew you would get hurt and he's doing it again. This pattern will only change when you have the courage to say "Enough. I'm not settling for this, I want more."

That should be and, not bad.

Please, I am begging you, do not send him any email.

but isn't it better for my own peace of mind to just end it now and not spend the whole of Christmas feeling shit and wondering if he's going to get in touch again.

Look if it's any consolation, I imagine he'll feel like a shag in the new year.

I'm so fucked up about this that I read that, my heart lifted and I felt a tiny bit better. Oh god. I think my heart might actually break literally.

Can I ask how old you are?

Old enough to know better. Old enough to not feel like this. Over 30 let's put it that way. I'm not a teenager where this could be immaturity.

It's really sad. I have a little voice in my head that is saying but all I want is for him to care about me. Yes that's it.. Not even love me. Just to care a little bit and to be kind. I am crying now. I can't believe I feel so down and how this has changed in 3.5 days. On Saturday I was happy.

I'm sorry you feel so bad OP, that was the reason everyone advised you not to have sex with him.

You don't need to text him to end it because there isn't anything to end. Please don't humiliate yourself by sending a hurt email. Make a decision now that you will never have anything to do with him again.

He may get in touch with you at some point when he next feels like sex, but just ignore all communication from him from now on.

but isn't it better for my own peace of mind to just end it now and not spend the whole of Christmas feeling shit and wondering if he's going to get in touch again.

Absolutely. It just doesn't require you to email him.

I am really sorry you are feeling so upset, everything seems much worse at this time of year. You enjoyed yourself while you were together at the weekend and thought that he was different this time, he said he would get in touch after Christmas and perhaps he will who knows. If you can I would suggest you try and forget about him until then, (easier said than done I know) try and keep busy, stay positive and focus on what you want. Then if he does contact you (and he probably will), you will be in a stronger position to say "no thanks" or to have a relationship that meets your needs not just his. Good luck with everything and hope you are soon feeling happier.

This man will NOT meet your relationship needs.

You can pretend you enjoy being his casual FB again, but it won't make you happy.

I dont get this "I have no right to expect a message". Ofcourse you do.You have every right plus one. He's been rude. You are perfectly entitled to write tthat you find him rude and inconsiderate (and that he should up his efforts if he wants any more sex). But it may well just disappear into the ether, in which case you really should blank him if he contacts you again.

But the reason she would be writing that would be to get the response - 'but babes, you mean the world to me' and then the cycle of misery goes on and on.
Listen to your username op.

OK. Now I feel like a prize idiot.

He has just texted me.