Meeting Ex Casual Bf years later. Sh-tting myself. 2 questions.

[stopmenow]

Not quite years but near enough. Was head over heels in love with him and this was a one way street.

Am scared I'll feel the same and also scared I'll feel nothing.

We stopped seeing each other because he hurt me badly (not cheating just inconsiderate treatment).

1. Should I raise the reasons for our break up to clear the air? (I would kinda like an apology but guess that is worthless after all these years. Is it pointless to explain why he hurt me? Would it be better to be just "that's in the past forget about it and move on" without mentioning it.

1. Has anyone done this and any tips or advice? How was it? Does this kind of thing ever work out?

Oh no if you're looking to "win" by showing him how you are now...I'm pretty certain you've already lost by agreeing to go round for dinner-he can't even be arsed going for drink etc and trying to charm you to come home he's setting up a shag with no effort/or leaving anything to chance. That's a real slap in the face cheeky bugger as he knows you don't just want a shag and that he's fucked you over once before! Pull this out of the fire and cancel X

Stand him up.

Sorry I know this sounds bossy but it just seems to me so clear he's at it - maybe ask him to meet you for a coffee on a Sunday afternoon if you really want to see him instead and see what he says!

WHY didn't you insist that you go out instead of having dinner at his? it would have been so much easier to not be tempted then.

Well you have just answered your own question, she wants to be tempted and is planning on giving in to temptation. Foolish woman. (OP not you)

this makes a good point. He cant even be arsed to put his hand in his pocket to pay for dinner out before he fucks you over AGAIN. Wow. Why dont you just text him and say "Forget dinner, I will be there at 8, naked by 5 past and have my taxi booked at 9. Then see you in another 5 years".

I would be insulted by lack of effort re just come to mine to eat.

Its just a glorified booty call where you make all the effort!

Dont you see OP that being so willing he has downgraded you already?!

First the offer was dinner out and when you immediately jumped at the chance, he knew that he was on to a sure thing so down graded you to "come and eat at mine" so that he didnt have to pay for dinner out, didnt have to pay for taxis and bed was but a few steps away.

Had he replied with "Great! Where would you like to go? How about [insert name of up market restaurant here]?" then ok, give him a chance. But the first thing he did was lower the offer and you still accepted! What will you do when you get there and he comes up with some shite about how the gourmet meal isnt happening and would you like some wine? Will you say "Oh well lets go out then?".

You wont will you?

OP just wants to talk about how she is going to humiliate herself.

We should all hide the thread. Give it no oxygen. Nothing to see here.

He will fuck you because he can, then dump. He's not even pretending - you're going to his house! You will hate yourself. Why are you happy to let him use you like this?

Do. Not. Go.

I have no idea why you want to reduce yourself to a sperm receptacle.

Your username says it all OP.

By agreeing to that scenario you're already showing him you're into him and giving him yet another ego boost. If you snog but don't shag him (as you say you intend) that will do the same: he might invest a little more time in another casual fling, then treat you badly again or end it.

It's pretty sad that you say he treated you badly yet you think being hung up on him is a factor in not meeting anyone else. But instead of dealing with and moving on from those feelings you're hoping you'll meet him again, he'll have changed, and you'll get a lovely relationship with him. Ain't gonna happen.

But waste your time and energy and get hurt some more if you like!

Ah fuck it op. Just go.

Remember it is a booty call. Be clear to yourself why you are going. You are going because you hope he has changed. He might have. You might have. You might not be into him when you meet him.

Fwiw someone who I had a fwb type relationship with nearly 20 years ago and I was much more into than he was into me has just left for work. We have been together 10 years now and have dcs and he is a bloody good man.

The person he was 20 years ago was very different to the peeson he is now.

However I am pretty sure that someone else who I worshipped and was my big love probably hasn't and were circumstances different and I arranged to meet him I would go knowing it was a booty call. I would go, have fabulous sex and a great laugh but know he doesn't play for keeps.

Just make sure you wear nice knickers, shave your legs and pack condoms.

And update on Saturday!

Oh and don't pretend that all the "I need to write on myself and wear granny knickers to stop myself from shagging him because he'd be sooooo bad for me and is such a bad boy but he's sooooo irresistible" is anything other than (destructive) self - titillation! You're not some submissive porn character with no power to resist. You want to shag him - fine. Take the decision.

Maybe this is one of those rites of passage you need to go through.

Go, eat, drink, shag and go home.

You will be miserable after, but it will be the kick in the arse you probably need.

God if you're going to be a booty call, then at least acknowledge it for what it is, not the whole emotional angst. There will be no apology unless he thinks a 'I've missed you babe' (in my head that's sort of a Grant Mitchell to Sharon line) will get you in bed quicker.
Seriously either do it and accept the inevitable emotional hangover or just walk away.

OP go to his, scratch the itch by seeing him but be mindful you may make it more sore.

Dress nicely but go there with no expectations whatsoever. He is unlikely to have changed but may give you that impression to get in your knickers.

If you go and you don't feel as you did about him then result. In all likelihood you'll go and rekindle all the feelings you had for him and end up shagging him

If you do shag him don't have hopes it will end up as a happy ever after. His previous treatment of you suggests it is unlikely. See is as just sex on his terms and you won't be too disappointed.

Let us know if you get on whether you need hand holding or not.

You are doing this to yourself Friday, thereby setting yourself up to spend the entire Christmas holiday veering between irrational hope that he will reciprocate your feelings and berating yourself / being depressed for letting him use you again. Why???

This is a sentimental time of year for many people and the season heightens emotions that are easier to suppress at other times - nostalgia, hope, loneliness, longing. You probably won't feel too good about yourself come Sunday or Monday.

It's not too late to call him and insist that you meet for dinner in a public setting. Trust me, in a couple of days you will be so glad that you fended for your self-respect.

You know you shouldn't, you know it will all end in tears (yours) but hey you are a long time dead and sometimes taking the sensible course of action just doesn't appeal! Go for it, see what happens and I hope it all turns out well for you.

if you now suggest to go out to dinner/drinks instead, you could tell a lot from his reaction. I'm sure you'll be put off if he ums and ahs and appears not keen , I think this could be deterrant enough. Bogey yes you aer right.
Do not cling to a hope so blindly that you are unwilling to test him in this easy way. If he really has changed/is interested, he'll be over the moon to just see you. The only chance it can work is if he makes a lot of effort to prove his loyalty.

I second standing him up. I bet you anything he'll be keen as mustard if you do. If he asks where you are say you got a better offer.

Stand him up. That will feel so much better.

Hey OP, your thread is sounding hugely familiar to one I started not so long ago. In the sense that our situations were very very similar.

If you like you can read it here: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2484412-Casual-sex-confusion

I did go. Because I just felt it was something I had to do. And the outcome was what it says at the end of the thread. I was pretty underwhelmed. The crazy chemistry I remembered just wasn't the same anymore.

Having said all that, I still spent some time unhappy. Because he still only replied to any friendly messages I sent when he felt like it. Because he still was sweet as pie one minute and cold and distant the next. Because he said he wanted to continue seeing me and then made no effort whatsoever to communicate.

It was all so frustrating. I knew I wasn't as into him anymore. But his flaky hot and cold behaviour still hurt. If I could have my time again, would I still have gone to see him? Yeah probably. I still view it as something I had to do, and at least I'm no longer under the illusion that he's the one that got away and the potential big love of my life.

I'm just saying that some degree of emotional pain is highly likely. Be honest with yourself as to whether you have your eyes open and can handle it.

Appreciate all your thoughts.

Re: the "downgrade" by dinner at his- I don't see it as a downgrade because he has to do gourmet cooking so that's actually more effort for him than just paying a bill. I get that it's an attempted line up for a shag for him but it isn't "no effort". I like it when people cook for me. I like that effort.

What I would like to happen is go for dinner, have a nice flirty evening, maybe a snog at the door and then for me to go home (and have no ruined Christmas). And no shagging!! With maybe him asking me out again in the New Year.

fishfingers - I'm so "it's something I feel I have to do". I feel it too. If there was no crazy chemistry I'd be pleased. I doubt it as we had lots of chemistry. That's the challenge for me is to get in and out without being lured into his bedroom. Worst case scenario is that I fall for his patter, shag him and get hurt. Isnt that better than this long term fantasy of what might have been?

Yip ! go , eat , gaze into his eyes , ( see if you can fathom out his motives) go home
See what he does next .
Do not shag ....

I bet you a million quid he won't do any gourmet cooking. He'll have been "too busy" to cook. You'll get a Pot Noodle if you're lucky.

For me I honestly think it was OP (worth it I mean). I got a bit hurt and did feel slightly fragile for a while. But it was short lived and I feel much better now.

Better, in my opinion, than still having him taking up rent free space in the back of my mind because maybe, just maybe, he's the one. He's not. And now I know that. So onwards and upwards.

You'll get a Pot Noodle if you're lucky.

I really don't think so. He's very competitive and his cheffy skills are a big part of his ego. He is a good cook (or at least used to be) so I don't think it's a pot noodle job.