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Original poster

Meeting Ex Casual Bf years later. Sh-tting myself. 2 questions.

237 replies

stopmenow · 16/12/2015 00:14

Not quite years but near enough. Was head over heels in love with him and this was a one way street.

Am scared I'll feel the same and also scared I'll feel nothing.

We stopped seeing each other because he hurt me badly (not cheating just inconsiderate treatment).

  1. Should I raise the reasons for our break up to clear the air? (I would kinda like an apology but guess that is worthless after all these years. Is it pointless to explain why he hurt me? Would it be better to be just "that's in the past forget about it and move on" without mentioning it.
  1. Has anyone done this and any tips or advice? How was it? Does this kind of thing ever work out?
OP posts:
spudlike1 · 17/12/2015 22:34

Men invite women to their house to eat drink and shag them ...don't forget that

Original poster
stopmenow · 17/12/2015 22:43

I know that spud. I haven't forgotten. But I do like him too (or did before) and it's good he still wants to shag me. Or to put it another way, given he's asked to see me after all this time, I'd be sad if he didn't find me attractive.

That's not the same as saying I'm going to shag him tomorrow night though.

I hope.

OP posts:
AGirlCalledJohnny · 17/12/2015 22:52

I think you've spent the majority of this thread justifying it to yourself that when you do shag him that you've done the right thing. Look, I'm all about it, if you want casual sex go for it, but understand that if you don't reframe the terms of the relationship out of the gates, he will just slide back into FWB territory. Why wouldn't he?

Original poster
stopmenow · 17/12/2015 23:16

Agirlcalledjohnny

if you want casual sex go for it, but understand that if you don't reframe the terms of the relationship out of the gates he will just slide back into FWB territory.

I don't know what I want because I Haven't seen him for so long. Yet I am very sure that the one thing I don't want is casual sex.

When you say "reframe the terms of the relationship" what do you mean? Other than not shagging him tomorrow and leaving before clothes removal what can i do? What would you suggest?

(we weren't friends w benefits before - we were dating properly - but I agree there is a fair chance he is having a try for a FWB thing right now)

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 18/12/2015 07:03

Other than not shagging him tomorrow and leaving before clothes removal what can i do?

For goodness sake. Don't you have any expectations about the way people treat you?

Whocansay · 18/12/2015 07:15

You are romanticising this. I guarantee that he is not.

And I suspect you're 'gourmet dinner' will turn out to be a frozen pizza. You are kidding yourself.

I'm really not sure why you posted. You're clearly going to let him use you.

Duckdeamon · 18/12/2015 07:24

Oh dear.

A man who uses the term "gourmet cooking" is likely a tosser!

Your earlier fantasy of the date out, "crazy chemistry",kiss at the door, then more dates in the new year, sounds unlikely to happen. If you're seeking to apply The Rules in the hope it'll make a relationship more likely - unlikely - then at least do them properly!

Original poster
stopmenow · 18/12/2015 08:06

gourmet cooking was my shorthand term to describe his longer email description and not his words. So thanks there duck. I'm a tosser apparently.
(what's wrong with the term gourmet?)

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 18/12/2015 08:36

What is he cooking then?

Bogeyface · 18/12/2015 09:14

Yet I am very sure that the one thing I don't want is casual sex.

You see this is what is frustrating me and others. You say you dont want casual sex but you are going along with the very set up that makes it practically guaranteed!

Its like watching a car crash from a distance, you know that someone is going to get hurt but there is nothing you can do to stop it!

Is it really good that he wants to shag you? Or is it that he sees you as a safe bet for a shag when he has no one else around? I wouldnt feel good that someone saw me that way, dinner or no dinner.

You must do what you feel is right, but I beg you to reconsider.

CheersMedea · 18/12/2015 14:29

You say you dont want casual sex but you are going along with the very set up that makes it practically guaranteed!

I'm not saying this is a good idea but that's a bit harsh on the OP isn't it?
I mean she is perfectly capable of saying "no" if she wants to. He can't force her.you know what I mean

The original post says:

I'm pretty sure he is angling for shag but I'm definitely not going to sleep with him. Could be open to a snog though. blush

Bogeyface · 18/12/2015 17:03

I dont think it is harsh. she says she doesnt want casual sex, and I think thats sensible. What isnt sensible is walking straight into a situation where she says that she will be tempted, with a man who she admits she still has feelings for who she wants to want to shag her (I think that makes sense!).

Surely the best thing to do in that circumstance is to insist on meeting in a situation where she at least has a bit of thinking time between snog and shag? As it is, she will be in his home and a snog could quite easily turn into a shag before her head has time to catch up with her body. If they were out she would have a walk or a taxi ride to think "Hang on...I said I wasnt going to do this...." and call it off.

I think that either the OP is being incredibly naive or not being entirely truthful with herself about what will happen.

If she wants to have sex with him then thats her choice, but as a PP said, accept it and own it, and the consequences.

Bogeyface · 18/12/2015 17:05

The thing is, I did something very similar many years ago and I got hurt very badly. I would hate that to happen to the OP, maybe thats why I am being so vocal about what a bad idea I think it is.

I naively thought that I could prove I was soooooo over him. Except I wasnt, and before long I was under him again and then dumped, again. The hurt was bad but the humiliation was awful, that was the worst part.

bimandbam · 18/12/2015 17:18

Good luck for tonight op!

Hope all goes well and you get fed nice food and flattered for the evening if nothing else!

DoorToTheRiver · 18/12/2015 17:22

I hope you get what you want out of the evening OP, whatever that may be!

iMatter · 18/12/2015 17:26

Good luck OP.

I really hope (for your sake and and for closure for you) that he's got really ugly, his teeth have fallen out and he smells like rotten eggs.

CheersMedea · 18/12/2015 17:51

that he's got really ugly, his teeth have fallen out and he smells like rotten eggs.

LOL @ iMatter. Poor OP!

Bogey sorry to hear you got hurt but I suppose in this kind of situation (one person with a torch and a lot of hope) the stakes are high.

P1nkP0ppy · 18/12/2015 17:59

I'm assuming neither of you is married?
I can understand the temptation but remember why it wasn't all happily ever after last time round and if it all goes belly up again you're going to feel like an absolute idiot, to put it mildly, and have to go through all the grief all over again.

roaringfire · 18/12/2015 18:15

Never prioritise somebody for whom you are merely an option.

Mince314 · 18/12/2015 20:02

Such good advice.

CherryPits · 18/12/2015 20:41

He might want to see you (and shag you) but he clearly doesn't want to be seen with you in public.

You should find out if he is attached.

AGirlCalledJohnny · 18/12/2015 21:58

What I meant was, if he wants to be with you this time, then make him do it properly with cards on the table of what you expect. If there is still a connection, then great, don't be happy with scraps from his table. I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with telling it like it is, easier on both of you.

Anyway, how did it go? Don't leave us hanging!

Twinklestein · 18/12/2015 23:01

If she does have sex with him it's not the end of the world.

If the sex is shit then it's all a damp squib; if the sex is great, she'll want him to love her, he'll shag her a few times and dump her when she gets too needy - either way she's learnt her lesson.

MissApple · 19/12/2015 00:11

Can't wait for the update!

Bogeyface · 19/12/2015 00:27

Its not the end of the world, but I do worry that the OP thinks that she is the one in control when her posts show that she clearly isnt.

She wants him to want her so she can say no, except that she has admitted that she will find it very hard to do that.

A snog leads to so many things. If she was going to do that old "Look at what you missed..." thing then insisting on an expensive dinner, no kissing and ending with "Well that was fun, it was good to see you, thanks for dinner, take care....." and wafting off in a cloud of Chanel No 5 and a good dose of Fuck You, would have been the way to go. But the only way that works is if you dont like or want the person you are seeing.

She is emotionally invested in him liking her and wanting her and thats why I think that this will end badly for the OP, although I really hope it doesnt.