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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is turning a blind eye a big mistake?

268 replies

Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 13:10

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here. I would really like to get your thoughts on my current situation. I'll try to keep it short.

I have lived with my boyfriend for a year (been together for almost 2 years, but known him all my life). When we were younger we were in the same group of friends, and were recreational drug users. it was a phase for most of us and I then moved away for almost 10 years and didn't even give drugs another thought. My boyfriend still takes cocaine and it has caused problems between us. He has lied about taking it, as he knows I don't like it, but I always catch him out. I now find myself checking his phone, pockets and wallet on a regular basis and I feel like I am going out of my mind.

I'm not judging anyone who takes drugs, this is a personal choice and one I have made in the past, but I feel like I don't want this in my life and especially not in the future, as I would love a family one day.

He doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing. We had a big argument about it again this morning and he has told me to go away and think about all the good things in our relationship, and to figure out if the bad out weighs the good. This tells me that he has no intention of stopping, so he is willing to throw the relationship and future away just for a few lines of coke. Should I just walk away now, or am I over-reacting? He is 35 and I am 31.

Has anyone else been in this position? I think he is doing it every couple of weeks.

Thanks very much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Treetop12 · 16/12/2015 14:13

The problem I have is that he does prioritise me most of the time.

but now I have realised that I think he sometimes does the nice stuff so that I have a hard time confronting him when he does something wrong.

for example, on Friday when we had the argument and he told me to go away and think of the pros and cons. one of things he said was 'I pay for everything' . . .this really upset me. I took a massive pay cut by moving to be with him, and he earns a lot more than me, so it hurt that he would throw that back in my face.

I realise this may make people think I'm staying with him for financial reasons. this is most definitely not the case. I would actually have more money and be able to pay off more debts if I left him.

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 16/12/2015 14:23

He does it whenever im not here & he lies to me.
Actually I'd put money on him doing coke when you are at home too - just the "sneaky" odd line or 2 to keep him going.

He wouldn't let you know of course and how would you know? You wouldn't believe him if he told you would you? You may be able to detect a very subtle chemical whiff from him from time to time. Then again you may not smell or see anything - doesn't mean he isn't taking coke at home. You really don't have any idea as it is all covered with a web of deceit, lies and half truths.

wafflerinchief · 16/12/2015 14:23

The problem that you have is that the line's been crossed and your heart isn't accepting it. His behaviour sounds abusive to me, he's gotten you into a dependent position and it also sounds as though he's deliberately encouraging you to live beyond your means so he can reinforce that you're with him for the money. There's no point being OH of the year 90% of the time if the other 10% you do awful things and can't be trusted not to cross lines. Even one act that crosses a line is too much.

Kr1stina · 16/12/2015 14:23

Tell me about the debts

LovelyFriend · 16/12/2015 14:25

The problem I have is that he does prioritise me most of the time.

Actually the REAL problem you have is you mistake his manipulation and managing of you as him prioritising you. It's not.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 16/12/2015 14:32

waffle . .agreed re; 90%, 10% comment. I said to him on Saturday that I couldn't care less about material things/holidays etc. if he never told a lie ever again, then I would live without everything else.

kr1stina . .my debts are from my previous relationship. we ran up some debt and we still own a house together.

OP posts:
Original poster
Treetop12 · 16/12/2015 14:33

lovelyfriend . . .he has done it when im there. this was a while ago, but I asked him time and time again if he was doing it when he went to the loo. he swore blind that he wasn't. I found it the next day.

OP posts:
keely79 · 16/12/2015 14:37

So he lies to you repeatedly, gets you involved in illegal activity, won't stop doing something which he knows upsets you, and holds the financial consequences caused by your moving to be with him over your head.

He sounds wonderful Confused

Original poster
Treetop12 · 16/12/2015 14:44

I must admit - if I was reading my thread, I would want to shake some sense into me.

OP posts:
laurierf · 16/12/2015 14:47

Treetop - let's say you were going to leave… where would you go? What would you do work wise?

Original poster
Treetop12 · 16/12/2015 14:48

To my mums. it's closer to my work.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 16/12/2015 14:50

Ok, I was just checking that current Bf hasn't run up debts too . Because you're not mentioned that .

I'm sure there's lots of other bad stuff you've not mentioned yet either .

BTW when you said you would leave if he ever lied to you again, did you mean it ?

Original poster
Treetop12 · 16/12/2015 14:55

I would have to leave kr1stina. the lies are the thing that have ruined me. im not myself at all. checking phone etc . .ive NEVER done that before. I hate doing it.

OP posts:
wafflerinchief · 16/12/2015 14:59

i don't want to shake you - I do feel really sorry for you & your parents though, it's one of my nightmares for my DDs if they got themselves hooked up to some guy with problems and not have the self esteem to see him for what he is and leave him. You'll get there I hope.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 16/12/2015 15:01

I know, my mum made her feelings very clear a while ago. she doesn't know much about the drugs thing - but I told her that I don't want kids with him, she was really upset for me, as she knows ive always wanted kids and been through IVF in the past. she is scared that im wasting my life.

OP posts:
wafflerinchief · 16/12/2015 15:27

yeah I'd be popping by with my car every couple of days on the off chance I could encourage you to move out! Well, I'd have to sit on my hands not to do that so my DDs don't decide I'm an interfering old boot desperate for GC. I'm sure she trusts you to get there in the end.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/12/2015 15:39

Your mum is absolutely right!
You ARE wasting your life.
Reality is sinking in though.
Take it one step at a time.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 16/12/2015 15:42

I know it may seem like im being silly and not listening etc, but I really am. im spending more time away from him and im making plans with friends and family. im going out with tomorrow night and staying at mums, followed by a lovely weekend planned visiting lots of friends and taking myself out of the situation.

little steps.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 16/12/2015 15:53

Absolutely. This is your life and your reality and you deal with it the best way YOU can.

laurierf · 16/12/2015 18:37

Treetop - sounds like you've had a fairly difficult time of it in recent years (seemingly having come out of a very serious relationship if you bought a house together, debts, IVF) on top of all of this. I'm glad you're making some independent plans to socialise with friends and family. Look after yourself. Small steps are fine as long as you keep taking them Flowers

Original poster
Treetop12 · 16/12/2015 18:51

Laurier . . . . Thanks for the message. I find it hard to admit when ive had a hard time, as I know that so many people go through much worse. My mum is always saying that I need to rest, & take some time to relax & 'find my sparkle again'. She is right. Xxx

OP posts:
Topsy44 · 16/12/2015 19:13

If he is lying and being secretive about it then he will be an addict and is most probably using it a lot more than you know.

Most addicts don't stop unless something external forces them to do this. It sounds like he needs professional help.

It's very hard to leave a relationship when you love someone but their behaviour is out of control. I think you probably know the best thing to do for yourself. Good luck on whatever you decide.

chocolatedrops31 · 16/12/2015 19:47

I wasn't sure whether to reply..but will! I'd also suggest you get out. My DH's habits seem similar to yours. He smokes weed every night to fall asleep. He takes/took Coke occasionally and on his own but this escalated and escalated. He is also self employed and is very successful and most of the time we have a fantastic relationship that is very difficult to throw away.
I've realised whilst with him how truly addictive Coke is-he started by taking it once a month, this increased and increased until he was taking a gram in a couple of days and basically needing it to 'be himself'. It all became too much and I gave him ultimatums-he quit-then began again. I despaired. A couple of months ago he came to me and told me he never wanted to touch it again, that the addiction was out of control and he was worried. I was pleased but since then I've become a paranoid wreck, like you, obsessed with the fact that he might be doing it-which he strenuously denied (although also denies that he said he'd never do it again). I don't know the truth, all I know is that it's a destructive drug, it's destroyed my trust in him and made me bitter and angry and that in itself is causing problems..and for all I know is he hasn't gone back to it ! Anyway, the point I'm making is that even if he does quit now, I think it'll be very hard to rebuild the trust and the addiction is so powerful that probably he will go back to it if times are ever hard.

chocolatedrops31 · 16/12/2015 19:48

My last paragraph I'm referring to your DP rather than to my DH!

mix56 · 17/12/2015 07:46

How will you know if he snorting on his way home from work ? or in his coffee break, or ........... you say he does it when you're out, he is trying to hide it..
Does he hide his messages on his phone now ?
You need to listen to all this advice.
Go out to the work do, & at the w/e & soon you will meet someone who loves you more than his addiction