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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is turning a blind eye a big mistake?

268 replies

Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 13:10

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here. I would really like to get your thoughts on my current situation. I'll try to keep it short.

I have lived with my boyfriend for a year (been together for almost 2 years, but known him all my life). When we were younger we were in the same group of friends, and were recreational drug users. it was a phase for most of us and I then moved away for almost 10 years and didn't even give drugs another thought. My boyfriend still takes cocaine and it has caused problems between us. He has lied about taking it, as he knows I don't like it, but I always catch him out. I now find myself checking his phone, pockets and wallet on a regular basis and I feel like I am going out of my mind.

I'm not judging anyone who takes drugs, this is a personal choice and one I have made in the past, but I feel like I don't want this in my life and especially not in the future, as I would love a family one day.

He doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing. We had a big argument about it again this morning and he has told me to go away and think about all the good things in our relationship, and to figure out if the bad out weighs the good. This tells me that he has no intention of stopping, so he is willing to throw the relationship and future away just for a few lines of coke. Should I just walk away now, or am I over-reacting? He is 35 and I am 31.

Has anyone else been in this position? I think he is doing it every couple of weeks.

Thanks very much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 15:18

Imperial . . .you speak so much sense, and I promise you that your advice isn't falling on deaf ears. I'm taking in every single word.

He said that he is going out with some lads from work next weds, but he's not drinking, as he knows that it leads to making bad decisions. in my head I said 'actions speak louder than words'. I didn't say it out loud though, I couldn't be bothered. it's all been said. promises have been broken time and time again.

He said on Saturday - 'I want a future with you, and to go ahead with all the plans we've made'. when I said that he wasn't choosing that future, and that he was choosing drugs instead, he didn't know what to say.

I'm getting there . . I really am. I've had moments of pure clarity and strength since Friday.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/12/2015 15:25

It's actually quite a new relationship, isn't it? I know you've known him for years, but you've only been living together for a year. And yet last Boxing Day.... well, he wasn't exactly on his best behaviour, was he? I wonder why you didn't tell him go then.

What's your mum's relationship like with your dad? Did she put up with all sorts? Where did you learn that you have to put up with men behaving badly?

ImperialBlether · 15/12/2015 15:26

Tell him to go, I meant to say.

Diamondsmiles · 15/12/2015 15:30

I really hope you find the will to leave. It sounds like it isn't doing you or him any good.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 15:34

Imperial . . .yeh I moved in with him on 22nd November, and then he behaved like that on boxing day. it was the first time he had ever behaved like that with me, and was so sorry and so upset the next day, I just thought it was a one off and ended up feeling sorry for him!

i had a really good upbringing. mum and dad split up when I was 13. lots of arguing and stuff but mainly from my mum, as she was very unhappy for a while. my dad was great, and still is. him and my mum are still very good friends.

I have no idea how I've got into this mess, or why I've put up with it.

my ex (who I was with for nearly 10 yrs) was calm, sweet and very loyal, but we grew apart and I got very bored. I guess with my current boyfriend, we do so much nice stuff together, that I've told myself no one is perfect, and that I should take the rough with the smooth.

I realise this is stupid.

My friend (who I confide in about all of this), said that I can find someone who still wants to do all those nice things, but doesn't do drugs! it's like I was surprised that those people exist! of course they do!!

OP posts:
maras2 · 15/12/2015 15:56

My daughter was married to a stoner who also used 'recreational' Cocaine.She wanted children but not with the druggie,despite having loved him for over 10 years.She divorced him 2 years before he died at the age of 38 from heart failure.He was found alone in his flat by the mental health team who became his family.He had been dead for at least 4 days.Leave now and get a propper life for yourself and future family like she did.Good luck.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 16:01

maras2 . . .thank-you for your post. I'm so glad your daughter moved on. please can I ask how old she was when she left?

That is a really sad story. it was only since posting on here that I realised how serious recreational drug use can be.

So your daughter has met someone nice now?

xxx

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/12/2015 16:01

But of course those men exist! Not everyone makes their crying girlfriend drive around on Boxing Day looking for cocaine! Some people are having a nice time at home - having sex or a party or cooking something for dinner or watching a film or meeting up with friends and family.

I think sometimes when you're young you make an assumption that anyone who is straightforward and treats people properly is somehow boring. It's as though a drama-filled life is the way to go, as though drama = excitement = intensity = passion. It's only later you can see that actually constant drama is a pain in the arse and people who only want that are shallow.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 16:07

Imperial . . .I definitely left the straightforward nice guy, looking for more drama/passion - I am 100% guilty of that. But I did try really really hard with my ex - we just weren't compatible in the end. still good friends and still own a house together,

The constant ups and downs have really taken their toll on me over this last year. i keep thinking of a life with no worries.

OP posts:
wafflerinchief · 15/12/2015 16:11

i don't think you do think about recreational drug use very negatively until you get to the age when you start thinking about kids and you realize how utterly unacceptable it would be for them to be crawling around in a house where coke or anything else had been taken, accidentally picking it up etc. We had a uni friend that had several heart attacks related to recreational coke use.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 16:15

Waffler . . .that's exactly right. I took drugs in my late teens and have friends that occasionally still do it. over the years I've just thought 'each to their own' but when you are looking at your boyfriend as a potential partner for life, father of your children, your whole prospective changes (or mine did anyway).

He didn't understand this when I mentioned it a while ago. He came in and had been doing coke. he lied to me and I found it in his wallet. I got really upset and mentioned the kids thing. his view was 'but we don't have kids yet'

THATS NOT THE POINT!!

OP posts:
maras2 · 15/12/2015 16:21

treetop She was 29 when she left.Within 2 years she met her now husband and we are blessed to have a 7 year old grandson and 3 year old granddaughter.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 16:24

maras2 - that's lovely. I'm so pleased that it worked out.

Sorry for her ex though. it's sad that he couldn't help himself in the end.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/12/2015 16:34

Obviously it is sad for her ex, but you have to face the fact he will have caused an awful lot of damage to other people before he died. He will have been given tons and tons of help. It's interesting that your response is to feel pity for him rather than pity for his ex, who must have had a hell of a lot to deal with.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 16:37

Imperial . . .i most definitely feel pity for maras2's daughter. she must have been to hell and back with her drug user husband, and im sure the whole family suffered a lot.

I just didn't want to ignore the fact that a 38 year old man has died, that's all.

OP posts:
maras2 · 15/12/2015 16:42

We're sorry too.We'd known him and his family for years.Unfortunately none of us were able to stop him spiralling out of control despite years of hands on help and support.We were devastated when he died but not really surprised.He was DD's first boyfriend and she loved him very much but thankfully with our support and the support of his parents she was able to leave and divorce without too much trauma.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 15/12/2015 17:09

Do people change?
Of course people change. They grow and mature, change their perspective on things (with their very own brain). It is a personal thing though, imho. An individual initiates their own change(s) for their own life. "A" changing "B" isn't going to work; "B" changing for "A" isn't going to work; "B" will need to decide and act in an independent sense for change to be sincere and have a chance to stick.

Will my sister ever stop putting me down? No. Do I have to put up with it forever just because she is "family"? I thought I did and put up with it for decades, then I changed. I do not put up with it any more and actually have not seen her since Christmas '07. Guilt was there; but counseling taught me that it was her behavior that brought my boundaries into use. I wasn't so much kicking her to the curb as I was protecting my own mental health from her emotional abuse. It was subtle and insidious and very hard to put into words; pinpoint.

The cocaine/weed addiction is very much more straight forward. I can understand that you care for this person. However, who is caring for you? You see, you need to take responsibility for your own health and safety and financial stability (and need I say clean criminal record!).

You can change you-and set the deal breaker boundaries. It is past "giving up on him" and more about protecting yourself. His consequences are his circus and monkeys to deal with, not yours.

He is important to you, yes. But you are more important to you. This is being selfish, but it is the good kind, the important kind, of selfish.

Best wishes Flowers

Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 17:25

andthebandplayedon . . .thanks for your post.

I know this sounds naïve, but he does care for me. he looks after me and loves me. but he then has these blips and it all goes back to square one.

OP posts:
AnotherCider · 15/12/2015 17:53

But he doesn't care for you and love you ENOUGH, and never will. The drugs won't let him.

He needs to love and care for himself. He can't give up drugs for you, he needs to want to do it for himself, otherwise everytime you have a argument, anytime he feels your attention isn't focussed on him, any time YOU need support and he will go straight back to the drugs, because he will need them to make himself feel better.

Often addicts need to fall to their lowest level before their eyes are truly opened up to their behaviour. He's not there yet and won't ever be with you propping him up.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 17:57

I hate the stress so much. I used to be able to make plans and just go and do stuff. im going out with work on Thursday and im already wondering what he is going to be up to. I will be staying at my mums, so he has the whole night to get wasted.

OP posts:
Kr1stina · 15/12/2015 18:00

I thought he had sworn blind to give up coke and weed . Don't you believe him ?

Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 18:17

No I dont believe him. Sadly. The weed smoking has started already.

OP posts:
mix56 · 15/12/2015 18:29

I will say this again.
Leave him, tell him it is breaking your heart, you want to love him, but you don't love him enough to destroy your own life.
Tell him if he wants to get help you will help him.
in the mean time. MOVE OUT.
His "actions speak louder than words", yours will too.
Go to your Mums, & stay there.

ImperialBlether · 15/12/2015 18:31

It's started tonight? He's smoking now? You know you should just pack a bag and go, don't you? What are you showing him when you don't do that? You're showing you'll put up with anything.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 15/12/2015 19:07

Yes, speak with your feet.