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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is turning a blind eye a big mistake?

268 replies

Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 13:10

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here. I would really like to get your thoughts on my current situation. I'll try to keep it short.

I have lived with my boyfriend for a year (been together for almost 2 years, but known him all my life). When we were younger we were in the same group of friends, and were recreational drug users. it was a phase for most of us and I then moved away for almost 10 years and didn't even give drugs another thought. My boyfriend still takes cocaine and it has caused problems between us. He has lied about taking it, as he knows I don't like it, but I always catch him out. I now find myself checking his phone, pockets and wallet on a regular basis and I feel like I am going out of my mind.

I'm not judging anyone who takes drugs, this is a personal choice and one I have made in the past, but I feel like I don't want this in my life and especially not in the future, as I would love a family one day.

He doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing. We had a big argument about it again this morning and he has told me to go away and think about all the good things in our relationship, and to figure out if the bad out weighs the good. This tells me that he has no intention of stopping, so he is willing to throw the relationship and future away just for a few lines of coke. Should I just walk away now, or am I over-reacting? He is 35 and I am 31.

Has anyone else been in this position? I think he is doing it every couple of weeks.

Thanks very much.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 15/12/2015 10:17

YOU can't change him anyway.
He is NOT yours to fix or change.
As PPs have said please look into co-dependency.

The 3 C's apply and you need to remember them.
You didn't CAUSE it
You cannot Control it
You cannot Cure it
I really hope you can come to realise this is not OK and you need to walk away.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 10:23

Do people change though? I know what you are saying, and I know he has to do it for himself - but do people do that? I feel like if I leave then he will spiral out of control. I don't think he would seek help.

OP posts:
RiceCrispieTreats · 15/12/2015 10:28

And that would be his problem to handle, and no-one else's.

RiceCrispieTreats · 15/12/2015 10:33

Allowing people to find their own way out of their own problems is not a heartless position, by the way:

  • He can only learn to stand on his own two feet if no-one else is propping him up.
  • By rescuing him, you are denying him the opportunity to learn to do that.
  • Change only sticks if the person takes all the steps by themselves; otherwise that change becomes someone else's responsibility, and is not owned by the person themselves.
  • Therefore, self-sacrifice helps no-one.
  • He doesn't need to do it alone, and can seek professional help at any time. The help is there, and it's his choice whether or not to reach out for it.
Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 10:36

Maybe I'm finding it harder because we were friends for such a long time before we got together. I wouldn't walk away from a friend if they needed help.

OP posts:
RiceCrispieTreats · 15/12/2015 10:39

He's not a friend, though, is he?

Friends don't treat people the way he treats you.

You think you need to endlessly suffer because you want to believe that a person is your friend?

Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 10:40

Thanks ricecrispie . . .that does make total sense.

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 15/12/2015 11:05

RiceCrispie is a Wise Woman*. I have no higher praise than that.

The posts of 10.33 and 10.39 today - spot on.

*Even if s/he is a man he's an honorary Wise Woman. Xmas Grin

Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 11:10

preemptive . . .I agree.

I really appreciate every single comment on here.

OP posts:
wafflerinchief · 15/12/2015 11:46

i think you should really think about what YOU want out of life - i think you said you wanted DC. He doesn't sound as though he's the type of person you can rely on and have DC with. You care about him, but the cost to yourself is what you should be rationally most concerned about - you'll either have a DC with a man that isn't reliable and will let them down if you stay, or his problems will mean you never have DC. That'd be a total deal breaker for me. I can't think of any guy (including DH) i'd give my 2 lovely DDs up for. As for your friends with the other coke takers - it just shows they have poor judgment. I know that if SS find that a parent is taking drugs in the house and the other parent knows, it's not going to go well for either parent (because whatever the general population thinks, it shows poor judgment).

Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 12:06

When we first got together we spoke about having children and what we wanted in the future. I don't think he has always wanted kids, but he assured me that he did now. Obviously in the meantime, I have come to realise that having children with him wouldn't be right.

waffler, you are right. it is a deal breaker. and I do worry that my time to be a mum will pass me by.

OP posts:
Noneedforasitter · 15/12/2015 12:20

You have had a lot of good advice here already, and I agree with it entirely. Unfortunately he cannot be trusted, he will almost certainly be unreliable, you won't be able to help him and you are best to get out now.

I had a long and miserable experience with what was once a very good friend who developed a coke addiction in his 40s. His marriage fell apart, he lost his job and even slept rough for a time. He 'borrowed' from everyone he knew until the outstanding amounts caused the friendships to end. That was clearly an extreme case, but what I learnt from it was that drug addicts are totally untrustworthy.

Do not trust him, and don't fool yourself that you will be able to help him.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 12:33

noneedforasitter . . . .thanks. the advice on here has been so good, I'm really glad I decided to post.

having a read through, and seeing it all written down, I can really see how frustrating this must be for my family and friends. all the good advice in the world and I'm still not changing it.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/12/2015 12:48

It's such a good time to make this decision, isn't it? Why not make 2016 the year you do things to make your future better rather than worse?

What are you going to do for Christmas? Will you be with him? I imagine he'll want some sort of pick-me-up over the Christmas break, won't he? How will you feel when he's done that and lied about it?

Practically, can you move out? Do you have the money for a deposit on a flat? Whose name is on the lease now? How much notice has to be given?

Whyissheontheship · 15/12/2015 12:49

I totally understand why this is hard to do, but you need to leave for you, (and also for him) not just your future children. It will take a lot of courage because you love him. But honestly by enabling this behaviour you are not helping him. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions and you can't shield him from that. You have no control over his addiction. He will get to rock bottom and have a choice, to change or not to change. You cannot do anything to influence that decision. He might get clean, he might not but you staying with him is not helping him because you are helping to shield him from the natural consequences of his behaviour.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 12:54

Imperial . . .I would go straight to my mums. she has a spare room all made out, ready for me. I wouldn't need to pay anything for a month or 2 whilst I get on my feet. the lease is in his name, as he lived there before I moved in.

and yes - Christmas was very hard last year because it was an excuse to get wasted. boxing day was the day I was driving around in the middle of the night trying to score for him.

whyisshe . . . .you are completely right. I am shielding him from the consequences. I make excuses for him and I forgive him very quickly after every slip up.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/12/2015 14:16

Oh come on then. Really, shake some sense into yourself!

You want a child, don't you? Imagine yourself in 30 years' time. You're sitting on your bed with your daughter and she's saying, "I don't know what to do. I'm in love with a drug user. He lies to me. He's no intention of stopping. I really want a family but I don't want a drug user for the baby's father. I don't know what to do."

What would you say to this girl, your lovely daughter?

And think about it - are you going to say, "I was like that, sweetheart and we split up after you were born because he was always taking drugs and lying to me" or would you LIKE to say, "Choose a man like your father, sweetheart - someone who loves you and respects you and does everything he can to take care of you."

You need to get free of this man. Do it now and go to your mum's for Christmas. He'll be out of his mind over Christmas whether you're with him or not. Fuck him, he's not worth your time.

UchimuraBabies · 15/12/2015 14:27

Along with all the excellent advice you have been given here, do some research on the human cost of the production, transportation, and delivery (including buying and selling) of cocaine, and then tell him (and all his friends while you're at it) that they're basically snorting the crushed up bones of dead prostitutes.

Then dump him.

Good luck.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 14:32

Uchimura . . . . . .I did find a video that has recently been uploaded to youtube about the whole process. it is absolutely vile what goes on. we spoke about it on Saturday when he was on a massive come down. he obviously agreed with everything I said, because; 1) you cant disagree with fact, and 2) he would have said anything for me not to leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 14:36

Imperial . . .yes of course, I would much rather be in a position where I have children with someone who doesn't take drugs and lie. I am most definitely not going to start even thinking about kids whilst im in this situation.

I have wanted children forever. it has been the one thing in my life that I have always been 100% sure on. I even had IVF with my ex.

If anything will make me walk from this relationship, it will be the fact that I want kids.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 15/12/2015 14:39

So, realistically, what are your options? He's TOLD you he has no intention of giving it up! What more does he have to do?

UchimuraBabies · 15/12/2015 14:39

I'm glad you've seen some of what goes on. Sorry if I sounded flippant but cocaine use really gets my hackles up. Of course he is your boyfriend and it is a difficult situation. I wish you all the best - you need to look after yourself. You have been given some excellent advice here so consider it well. I hope you can eventually come to a healthy resolution.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 14:46

Imperial . . .He said to me at the weekend, he knows that in order to keep me, he needs to never do coke again. I'm not stupid enough to think that this will happen, but part of me is curious.

Uchimura . . .you didn't sound flippant. I didn't come here to get sugar coated advice :) I appreciate every comment, and really touched that people have taken the time to speak to me about this.

Truth is . . I know exactly what I need to do. my gut feeling has been telling me for a long time. stupid love keeps getting in the way.

OP posts:
spad · 15/12/2015 14:49

Run

ImperialBlether · 15/12/2015 15:00

The thing is, though, is it love? I think we're too guilty of thinking we love someone when actually we only love them sometimes.

Did you love him last Boxing Day when he made you drive around looking for cocaine?

Did you love him when you find yourself checking his phone and his wallet?

When he told you that he'd "never say never", did you feel an intense rush of love for him?

When our teenagers act in a similarly destructive way, we tell ourselves we love them but we don't love their behaviour. The problem is with a boyfriend, he IS his behaviour! The old saying "actions speak louder than words" is very apt when you're looking at a relationship. His actions tell you that he won't stop taking cocaine and that in fact he prioritises it over a healthy relationship with you, or with anyone, come to that.

You are running out of time. He could clean up his act in ten years' time and have a family. You don't have the luxury of waiting years and years to see whether that will happen.

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