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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is turning a blind eye a big mistake?

268 replies

Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 13:10

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here. I would really like to get your thoughts on my current situation. I'll try to keep it short.

I have lived with my boyfriend for a year (been together for almost 2 years, but known him all my life). When we were younger we were in the same group of friends, and were recreational drug users. it was a phase for most of us and I then moved away for almost 10 years and didn't even give drugs another thought. My boyfriend still takes cocaine and it has caused problems between us. He has lied about taking it, as he knows I don't like it, but I always catch him out. I now find myself checking his phone, pockets and wallet on a regular basis and I feel like I am going out of my mind.

I'm not judging anyone who takes drugs, this is a personal choice and one I have made in the past, but I feel like I don't want this in my life and especially not in the future, as I would love a family one day.

He doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing. We had a big argument about it again this morning and he has told me to go away and think about all the good things in our relationship, and to figure out if the bad out weighs the good. This tells me that he has no intention of stopping, so he is willing to throw the relationship and future away just for a few lines of coke. Should I just walk away now, or am I over-reacting? He is 35 and I am 31.

Has anyone else been in this position? I think he is doing it every couple of weeks.

Thanks very much.

OP posts:
Original poster
Treetop12 · 17/12/2015 08:07

Mix . . .his lies in the past have got me to a place where I feel like im going crazy. He might be doing all those things, & its all I can think about.

OP posts:
Perihelion · 17/12/2015 09:09

You've lived with him for a year and in the last year you've cried more than ever before.
How many more years of tears do you need?

DifferentCats · 17/12/2015 10:46

I disagree that he is having sneaky lines in the bathroom. Cocaine is incredibly moreish and he would not be able to have a line and then continue on as normal. One line tends to lead to another and another and another...

Of course you know his behaviour is unacceptable, OP. Even if he only lied to you once, it is still too many times.

But you will know when you are ready to leave. We can't make you be ready. But keep talking. Let us keep you sane in the meantime.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 17/12/2015 10:53

Thanks DifferentCats . . .I agree, I feel I know when he is on it. his face changes, he speaks differently and he can't face food.

I guess he could be doing it in the afternoon, and it has worn off by the time I get home from work - but I don't really think this is the case either. but who knows. I question everything at the moment.

funny thing is . .. I think he might even be realising that we aren't meant to be. he has been slightly different with me this week. not sure how to explain it, but I think maybe his feelings are also changing.

Thanks again xxx

OP posts:
mum2mum99 · 17/12/2015 11:17

Defo read 'Co-dependants no more' by Melodie Beattie. Changing is something that someone has to want with all their might and deeply. You alone can't make him.

ImperialBlether · 17/12/2015 13:32

If he thinks you're not meant to be together, that's likely to be because he wants someone who'll at the very least turn a blind eye to his drug taking. Of course your challenging him will make him uncomfortable; he won't be able to justify doing what he's doing yet he's not intention of stopping. Ergo, in his drug addled mind, better to find someone who doesn't mind what he does or - better still - joins in.

There's no arguing with someone with an addiction, OP.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 17/12/2015 14:19

I said to him on Saturday that he would be happier with someone who doesn't care about drugs, or someone who does drugs. he disagreed and said 'why the hell would that be a good thing?'

You are right about the no arguing thing. I've done all the shouting and screaming I can do. it makes absolutely no difference to his decisions and just upsets me. I didn't even really react on Friday when he had been doing it. I think that was my turning point in all of this. the realisation that it's over.

OP posts:
DifferentCats · 17/12/2015 15:30

Yes, I agree that you can totally tell when someone you know well is high. I think if he was taking it in the afternoon, he would be making excuses not to see you in the evening.

Besides, coke is more of a every few days to every few weeks drug. It's a binge drug.

He might feel defensive because his drug taking has been threatened. Alas, all the guilt in the world won't make him stop until he feels that it is enough.

Do you live with him currently?

Original poster
Treetop12 · 17/12/2015 15:48

DifferentCats. . . .yes, I live with him in a flat that he rents (I pay half the rent, but he lived there before me and its in his name).

OP posts:
DifferentCats · 17/12/2015 15:54

Oh dear.

That leaves you even more enmeshed in the whole thing then. Must be awful for you watching all this and not having anywhere to go.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 17/12/2015 16:02

I could go to my mums. I've got to the stage where I don't like going back to his flat. it's like a bachelor pad and I have none of my own stuff around me. I have found it quite hard moving from my own place with all my belongings, to essentially having nothing.

sorry, I sound very 'boo hoo me' . .I don't mean to. I need to just take responsibility for my own life and happiness.

OP posts:
wafflerinchief · 17/12/2015 16:03

Op's mum lives nearby though - so you could go back home for a bit before you find somewhere else to live? I'd say he's distancing himself because he's beginning to realize you're not giving up nagging him about the coke use.

wafflerinchief · 17/12/2015 16:04

Op hopefully your mum will be delighted to get you away from that awful OH and moving on with your life - at least you'll be making her Christmas, it'd make mine if my adult DD made a great decision like that.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 17/12/2015 16:07

spot on Waffler . . .I think he has been hoping that I would just get over it and start to be ok with it all, and to honest - I have tried to do that! (stupid I know). but I can't help the way I feel - im just not ok with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Treetop12 · 17/12/2015 16:08

waffle - my mum would be over the moon if I turned up at hers with all my stuff. I would get the biggest hug in the world.

xxx

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 17/12/2015 16:15

Just do it. Pack your bags and get out of there. You know he'll be planning all sorts of 'celebrations' for himself over Christmas, don't you?

Maybe under different conditions he'd be the right guy for you, but he's the one imposing the conditions so you've no choice.

I understand about your mum being over the moon if you came home - I'd be exactly the same. She must be really worrying about you.

wafflerinchief · 17/12/2015 16:22

Yes - he's only fooling himself about the acceptability of his habit. You'll always be in the role of fun spoiler in chief/the person that has to be gotten around.

laurierf · 17/12/2015 16:30

Treetop - actually you don't sound 'boo hoo me' but you do sound like you've been through a lot recently, then moved a significant distance to live with someone, and then spent a year doing a lot of crying because of a false promise that was made to you (why would I need to do that when you're here?) and all the subsequent lies. I think perhaps (apologies for the armchair psychology/ projection/ speculation) you're hoping it could work, wanting to make it work, because you have been through quite a lot to be where you are now and perhaps don't want to feel that it all came to nothing and you are starting from scratch again… especially as other people have it so much worse… and he's nice to you when he wants to be… and not least because he was a friend/part of a friendship group before you got together romantically… all of that might be way off the mark… but, if not, all I can say is that I started from scratch again at 30, was 'faking it until making it' on the independent, happy, self-fulfilled front for a while (and wondering if I'd made a really stupid decision and having to steel myself against the wobbles) but it really was the best decision I ever made. And actually I made the decision to leave someone lovely, who would never lie to me, and that made it very hard… but he's giving you all the reasons in the world to free yourself from all the stress and to find happiness.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 17/12/2015 16:32

Imperial . . mum worries about me. She says she can see in my eyes that Im not happy. I went through a stage of being quite defensive when she mentioned it, so she doesn't get too involved any more. She just makes sure that I know she is there for me and that I have always got somewhere to go.

Waffler . . .Yep - I'm the girlfriend that gets in the way and all the parties go on when I'm not there. my bloke always bangs on about being 'a team' and that we 'have each others backs' . . .quite funny really!

OP posts:
Original poster
Treetop12 · 17/12/2015 16:34

ah god Laurier, I actually started welling up when I read your post. you are right. xxxx

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 17/12/2015 17:17

If she's right, she's talking about the Sunk Costs Fallacy.

One thing to do is to consider: if you could go back in time a couple of years, would you (knowing what you do now) have started a relationship with him?

Original poster
Treetop12 · 17/12/2015 17:23

Honest answer. . . No

OP posts:
Francescal88 · 17/12/2015 17:24

Reading everyone's posts on this thread brings a lump to my throat. Brings back memories of how awful it is to be with a cokehead, that feeling that you'll always be second best to it, that it'll always be more important than you are. My ex wouldn't even give it up for the sake of his son. Now he's nearing 33 and lives in a box room in his nan's house. Not a brilliant existence.

ImperialBlether · 17/12/2015 17:26

Then I would leave as soon as possible. You know that Christmas is going to be a difficult time - either he'll ruin it by using or he'll ruin it by telling you that you are ruining it.

I know it's easy for us to say at such a distance, but the answer seems so obvious.

laurierf · 17/12/2015 17:35

Maybe you needed to move away at 30 and make a fresh start and he was the incentive that got you to do that. Maybe moving back to your mum's (temporarily) in the first instance would have felt like a backward step and you wouldn't have done it. So it's a shame that you've had to go through all this crap the last year, but you are near your mum now - who sounds like she really cares and just wants you to take some time out and relax, heal, look after yourself, think about what makes you happy - and the upheaval of moving from your bf's bachelor pad to (temporarily) living at hers will be a lot less stressful than moving from your previous home would have been.

In any case, this year has taught you a lot about what does and doesn't matter to you and that bodes well for future happiness and relationships.