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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is turning a blind eye a big mistake?

268 replies

Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 13:10

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here. I would really like to get your thoughts on my current situation. I'll try to keep it short.

I have lived with my boyfriend for a year (been together for almost 2 years, but known him all my life). When we were younger we were in the same group of friends, and were recreational drug users. it was a phase for most of us and I then moved away for almost 10 years and didn't even give drugs another thought. My boyfriend still takes cocaine and it has caused problems between us. He has lied about taking it, as he knows I don't like it, but I always catch him out. I now find myself checking his phone, pockets and wallet on a regular basis and I feel like I am going out of my mind.

I'm not judging anyone who takes drugs, this is a personal choice and one I have made in the past, but I feel like I don't want this in my life and especially not in the future, as I would love a family one day.

He doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing. We had a big argument about it again this morning and he has told me to go away and think about all the good things in our relationship, and to figure out if the bad out weighs the good. This tells me that he has no intention of stopping, so he is willing to throw the relationship and future away just for a few lines of coke. Should I just walk away now, or am I over-reacting? He is 35 and I am 31.

Has anyone else been in this position? I think he is doing it every couple of weeks.

Thanks very much.

OP posts:
LonelySatsuma · 11/12/2015 14:25

He is 35, takes coke and has clearly said he isn't going to stop (not that you can 'guilt' people into stopping drug use or alcohol, smoking etc anyway)..

Sounds like you have very different ideas about how you want your lives and futures to be...

trulybadlydeeply · 11/12/2015 14:26

Forget about the coke, he's smoking weed everyday, so he is an addict. You are not going to have a good life with him. You say you want children? He will not/cannot be a good father while he is an addict, because drugs will always be his top priority.

He's made his choice. You now need to make yours.

Good luck OP.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 14:28

Thank-you laurierf. I was living in the north for 10 years and then moved back to the south to be with him. my family are down here too, but part of me is thinking maybe I should just go back up north. more friends and a lot less stress! Thanks again.

OP posts:
mulranna · 11/12/2015 14:29

I am older than you and see the fall out at the other end - marriages and families falling apart when couples are in their 40's with young children and debt due to drink and drug use over 20 years - a user is 'absent' emotionally from family life, preoccupied with their addiction even if they only binge every few weeks - careers flounder and the subtle mental damage is painful to watch....they talk nonsense, get morose, depressive and paranoid - don't have kids with this man - your life will be on a downward spiral. His response is interesting - has his use bee the downfall of previous relationships.

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 11/12/2015 14:30

Do you want your children to have a junkie for a father? That's the bottom line.

Personally I can't think of anything less appealing but hey ho.

Honestly. What ARE you thinking?! Hmm

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 11/12/2015 14:31

I think you have to take the heat out of it for a bit and think about it very coolly and rationally.

He does something you hate
He has no intention of stopping
That's his right - you can't make him stop
So do you spend the rest of your life with him doing the thing that you hate?
Or do you leave the relationship?

That is the only choice in front of you.

TheLesserSpottedBee · 11/12/2015 14:31

Get out now.

Please. For yourself and before you have a child with a drug addict. He is 35 and very unlikely to change.

You deserve better.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/12/2015 14:31

A fresh start, well away could be just the ticket.
My ExH was from 'up North' and that's the thing I miss the most I think.
Visits up there, as everyone was so lovely and friendly.

loveyoutothemoon · 11/12/2015 14:32

So you knew he did it when you started seeing each other? He doesn't want to stop, so the ball is in your court.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 14:32

I think his last break up was a messy one. I obviously only hear one side. I did ask right at the beginning if his ex was ok with his drug taking, and he said 'at first she was fine with it' . . .so maybe it did have something to do with his break up.

Thanks again everyone. I appreciate all the replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 14:35

loveyoutothemoon . .yes, I did know he did it. he used to do it quite a bit when we were long distance. he always said he would stop/cut down when I moved in with him, as he said 'why would I need to do it if ive got you here?'

he said this morning that will never say never, as 'that is ridiculous' xxx

OP posts:
dontcallmethatyoucunt · 11/12/2015 14:38

Yes, drugs split me and the love of my life up. He took too many and it worried me. I went 'on and on' and he got fed up and finished things. It took me two years to recover from the shock.

10 years later, when he had settled down, he said it was the biggest mistake of his life. (we have very good mutal friends).

Yep, well I'm still glad we split, now, looking back. It worried me sick, he behaved like a kid and frankly he was horrible beyond reason, because of drugs.

I'm happily married with 2 lovely DC and realise that it is calmer and nicer without drugs. They distort real life. They make you boring (only you can't see it). They are for people without enough confidence or imgaination to enjoy life for what it is.

He may not fit the 'drug addit' look, but if he is prioritising it above you, something is wrong. I would think very carefully before turning a blind eye to this. It could end well, but you could waste 10 years of worrying (or more!) before finding out.

MidnightVelvetthe4th · 11/12/2015 14:39

Welcome to Mumsnet OP Brew

Yep I was in a very similar position, my husband was addicted to cocaine, weed & alcohol. I thought that as I'd taken lots of drugs in my Uni days (where I met him) I had no moral high ground to take against him & I went on to have 2 children with him before I left him.

You should cut your losses & run.

My experience is that the deceit involved will lead to emotional abuse where he gaslights you & makes you afraid to question him. The 'hangover' from cocaine is awful & he turned into someone I didn't know at all. The sheer nastiness & malice from an addict cannot be believed until its just you & him alone. DS1 did not see his father from Saturday to Saturday, on Christmas Day he would always go to the pub, as someone above said he just checked out of family life & lived the lifestyle he wanted & I was a single parent whilst being married.

Interestingly once I'd left he hit his rock bottom, went through detox & is now sober & is 100% a better father. Too little too late for me though.

stabbybitch · 11/12/2015 14:40

I was where you are now, this time last year. My DP finally chose us after 3 years of him lying, taking harder drugs and me being a paranoid freak.

I'm not apposed to recreational drug either sometimes do if I can get my dm to have dc over night but there's a very big difference when it impacting your lives and relationships.

It took 3 years for him to admit he's an addict after a drug induced psychosis episode. He's now been clean 8months. I was the same as you, I secretly recorded him, checked every inch of the house, cried so much it was awful.

You will never be able to turn a blind eye, your already in too deep for that.

Op Sorry I have to shoot, but do pm me if you need support.
Iv not spoke to anyone about it before so could be good for both of us.

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 11/12/2015 14:40

BTW I have done coke, but frankly it's tedious. It makes you talk shite, to people talking shite. I find my friends far more engaging than a load of drug taking morons. I find it's for people who need a crutch.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 14:45

thanks midnight . . .I agree that the nastiness is unbearable. when he has it in his head that he wants coke, there is no stopping him. he hasn't done this recently - but in the past he has had me in tears, driving around trying to find coke (I was sober, he was drunk, so I felt I had to do it, otherwise he might drink drive and hurt someone/himself).

dontcallmethat . . .yes, the worrying is awful. i guess i need to listen to my gut feeling. i feel like it would have the weight lifted off my shoulders if i didn't have the constant worry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 14:47

dotncallmethat . .i agree - i hate the sneakiness that comes with coke. and all the rubbish talking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 14:48

hi stabby . . .thanks, i will pm you over the weekend.

i feel like i have cried more in this last year than the whole of my life before that!!

OP posts:
manana21 · 11/12/2015 14:48

Get away now, please don't consider having DC with him. There's a huge difference between someone who's taken the odd bit and an habitual user who puts the drugs above people - he's shown you (and his previous gf by the sounds of it) that he values it more than his relationships, including presumably any with a DC.

stabbybitch · 11/12/2015 14:49

Sorry for typos. Also didn't say everyone else is right, you should walk away now.

Kr1stina · 11/12/2015 14:51

Great . Now you're procuring his drugs for him . Cool .

Fast forward five years to you driving round the streets at 2 am in the rain , with a wailing baby and toddler strapped in the back seat of the car.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 14:53

Kristina - I completely agree, and I was so upset. he put me in an awful position. and yes - bringing children into that would be horrendous and unfair on everyone x

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 11/12/2015 14:53

So he's been talking coke for over 10 years. He thinks it's "fine".

He won't change - really he won't. He might take the coke "underground" but he won't voluntarily stop taking it. He's habitual, constant and addicted. He will likely deny this.

It will also make him more of an utter cunt that he might otherwise be - add a child or 2 into that mix and you have a full on living nightmare instead of a life.

Take it from someone who learnt that one the hard way.

Run. Far. Away.
Don't look back.

LovelyFriend · 11/12/2015 14:57

I didn't take coke myself (personally I think its a drug of choice for assholes) but I did look the other way as I thought it was just the odd occurance - couple of times a year kind of thing.

I couldn't have been more wrong, more naieve or more stupid.

So yes, turning a blind eye is a massive mistake. he is not the man you want him to be and he never will be.

WeAllHaveWings · 11/12/2015 14:59

If you are looking for a family in the future don't waste anymore time on this one.