Is turning a blind eye a big mistake?

[Treetop12]

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here. I would really like to get your thoughts on my current situation. I'll try to keep it short.

I have lived with my boyfriend for a year (been together for almost 2 years, but known him all my life). When we were younger we were in the same group of friends, and were recreational drug users. it was a phase for most of us and I then moved away for almost 10 years and didn't even give drugs another thought. My boyfriend still takes cocaine and it has caused problems between us. He has lied about taking it, as he knows I don't like it, but I always catch him out. I now find myself checking his phone, pockets and wallet on a regular basis and I feel like I am going out of my mind.

I'm not judging anyone who takes drugs, this is a personal choice and one I have made in the past, but I feel like I don't want this in my life and especially not in the future, as I would love a family one day.

He doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing. We had a big argument about it again this morning and he has told me to go away and think about all the good things in our relationship, and to figure out if the bad out weighs the good. This tells me that he has no intention of stopping, so he is willing to throw the relationship and future away just for a few lines of coke. Should I just walk away now, or am I over-reacting? He is 35 and I am 31.

Has anyone else been in this position? I think he is doing it every couple of weeks.

Thanks very much.

You don't sound woe is me at all. You sound like something who is struggling to make a very difficult decision. And no wonder. He's not at all bad at all. No addict is, especially at this stage where they still mostly have a handle on things and are only partially ruining their lives.

I don't blame you for feeling conflicted or scared about the future.

What would you do from your mum's? Could you save the deposit on a flat? Sounds like it would be lovely to have your own space away from the bachelor pad.

laurier . . .my friends have said exactly that. they think that moving in with my boyf was a good way to get me back down here.

cats . . .I could definitely save money at my mums. I don't think I could afford to live in a flat on my own, but I have looked into flat shares and that is more of a realistic option.

I may get slaughtered for this suggestion, but would the relationship have more chance of surviving if you moved out anyway?

It sounds as if he isn't 'the one'. It might sound brutal, but you could start the process of moving on from him and wait until you are ready to chuck him, if it comes to it. I think in situations like this, you have to be selfish to a certain extent. He has his own things going on. Why shouldn't you have yours?

Your mum sounds great.

Cats . . .I think that's the way I'm going at the moment. I've read a lot recently, and opened up to certain people, and the advice that I keep getting is to do my own thing, enjoy my own interests and make my own plans. I have started doing this recently.

Charlotte . . .She's absolutely lovely. xxx

That sounds positive. I know it is the MN ethos to suddenly ditch a relationship entirely and get on living this bold new life. But in real life, it takes time to get your shit together.

Keep thinking in the right direction though. Don't let him normalise what he is doing to you.

Cats . . .Yeh I agree, and in theory I would be saying exactly the same thing. I've given advice to friends in bad situations and told them to pack their stuff and leave, be on their own for a bit etc etc. but we all know that it's different when its yourself.

I came here for advice, however brutal - and I am overwhelmed by the response. I am so so grateful for every single post. I now feel like im not being an unreasonable, awful girlfriend!

I don't think that either of you are in the wrong, it just looks like you are not compatible with each other. You said that he is the one willing to throw the relationship away over drugs, but it sounds like you are to, it sounds like you are willing to end things if he doesn't alter his drug consumption. You clearly have some objection to him taking drugs, he clearly doesn't, and it seems to be a dealbreaker thing for both of you. Given the circumstances I'm not sure this relationship can work.

Out of interest, and this is a bit personal and you don't have to answer it, what is the objection to the drugs, does he do them in excessive amounts, or just take them in moderation/recreational use?

No, you are not an unreasonable girlfriend. Probably been too reasonable with him.

I am in no way against partying and having a good time. But staying up all night doing drugs alone, telling lies to your girlfriend, driving around all night looking for more, not to mention how much he must be spending as neither of the two drugs he is taking is cheap... It's not cool. You deserve better. We all think you deserve better.

Hi Chilled . . .I think you are right, we just aren't compatible when it comes to this.

The daily weed smoking has taken its toll on his motivation and he gets irritable by about 6pm if he hasn't had a smoke. this isn't great to live with. that's not even going into the long term effects of smoking it every single day.

I don't like anything to do with coke. ive seen people spiral into depression, lose their jobs and friends etc. he also turns very sneaky when coke is involved. In my eyes, the whole process is dirty, and people don't know what they are taking.

I have made it clear on this thread that I have done drugs in the past, so I do get it - I understand that it can be fun, but right now im thinking about my future, and I would just rather be away from it all.

I see, well that sounds like it's a problem because of the amount he's doing. I don't see any difference between drugs and alcohol, they can cause depression, job losses, alienating friends when people are doing them excessively, but the people who drink or take drugs in moderation seem to manage to avoid all of those things. But that's just my own opinion, you've said you don't want anything to do with drugs and it's your relationship so I'm not sure what to say. Neither of you are going to agree on this it sounds like this will be a permanent disagreement. So first, is it possible you could ask him to cut down and only take drugs in moderation? If not then you both need to ask yourselves do you want to end the relationship over this disagreement. It does seem like it's a major things for you both and neither is willing to compromise, and while I don't think that either of you is wrong, I'm not sure that people with such different views can work together as a couple. It might be time to end it.

Thanks Chilled, that's a good perspective. I totally agree that drugs and alcohol are just as destructive as each other. unfortunately my boyf does have an addictive personality and I do believe that he is addicted to both weed and coke. He said on Saturday that he wasn't going to smoke weed this week, as he needed to prove to himself that he has control over it (this was without me saying anything at all). He has smoked it every day since.

Without them, he is caring, generous, funny, witty . . (the list goes on) . .but when drugs are involved, he seems to completely change and gets tunnel vision . . .nothing else matters.

i don't agree about the equivalence of alcohol and drugs - some substances are much more addictive & lifestyle altering in general. This kind of thinking is a bit woolly really, anyone taking coke is much much more likely to develop a life altering addiction than the general population using alcohol. Any class A drug use is also a) illegal and b) bad for any DC to be around and toxic for them. And the thread shows that the OH has a drug problem he cannot control.

sorry - didn't mean to be unkind - I've experienced both types of addicts and the lifestyle impact for the drug users (and to their kids) has been far worse so I do feel strongly about it but of course you're all entitled to your opinions - I may have said the same 20 years ago.

Waffler . . you don't sound unkind, I think its interesting to hear what other people think.

I do agree with your points. I think the main thing/difference for me is that no one actually knows what they are snorting up their nose when they decide to take coke. I find it so worrying. there was that story recently about the lads on holiday in Amsterdam who died in their hotel room because they bought what they thought was coke and it wasn't. At least with booze it is written on the side of the bottle!

that's also true - OH is taking a much larger personal risk than someone drinking unless they've somehow got bootleg alcohol.

Treetop - while I understand your need to take small steps and am wholly sympathetic to the fact you've been through a lot and walking out is much easier said than done… please don't lose sight of the fact that he is treating you like a fool. He lies to your face. You know he will have told people in the friendship group to lie to you too and cover for him and - whilst this is purely speculation based on my experience of being out with other people in his position - will, whilst coked up, have said things along the lines of "Fuck Treetop, she's really doing my head in with this neurotic shit, she's being a total wear out" etc. etc. to other people. Of course, he'll be saying the opposite when he's feeling very sorry for himself in the midst of a harsh comedown, just like he'll say he's going to knock it on the head or he won't make it to 40 etc. etc. Some of his friends will think he's being a prat but, in any case, he is making you look foolish. We all know someone in this position and, frankly, we pity them and wonder how they put up with it, whether they think the partner is being a killjoy or not. Sorry to be blunt but that's the truth.

laurier . . .I don't mind blunt - like you said - it's the truth.

and yes, he has asked his friends to lie to me. when I questioned where he had been (I knew he hadn't been with the friend he said - gut instinct, followed by a phone snoop to confirm it). He said 'you can call and ask him if you like' . . . . I get angry just thinking about that.

trying to not lose sight of the facts.

why are emotions so hard to deal with?! Grrrr