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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is turning a blind eye a big mistake?

268 replies

Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 13:10

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here. I would really like to get your thoughts on my current situation. I'll try to keep it short.

I have lived with my boyfriend for a year (been together for almost 2 years, but known him all my life). When we were younger we were in the same group of friends, and were recreational drug users. it was a phase for most of us and I then moved away for almost 10 years and didn't even give drugs another thought. My boyfriend still takes cocaine and it has caused problems between us. He has lied about taking it, as he knows I don't like it, but I always catch him out. I now find myself checking his phone, pockets and wallet on a regular basis and I feel like I am going out of my mind.

I'm not judging anyone who takes drugs, this is a personal choice and one I have made in the past, but I feel like I don't want this in my life and especially not in the future, as I would love a family one day.

He doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing. We had a big argument about it again this morning and he has told me to go away and think about all the good things in our relationship, and to figure out if the bad out weighs the good. This tells me that he has no intention of stopping, so he is willing to throw the relationship and future away just for a few lines of coke. Should I just walk away now, or am I over-reacting? He is 35 and I am 31.

Has anyone else been in this position? I think he is doing it every couple of weeks.

Thanks very much.

OP posts:
loooopo · 15/12/2015 19:16

Treetop12 - I have followed your thread from the start - I posted v early on. The advice of many people who have experienced this first or second hand is unanimous. He will not change. Find the strength to walk and dont look back. You leaving is for his benefit - he will reach his rock bottom sooner.

I am really envious of you - that you have access to this knowledge and guidance from MN and the option at this point in your life to make an informed decision.

My DH is an alcoholic. We met at school - I just thought he was a good time guy who went too far sometimes - it was not that obvious when we were all young and everyone was going for it. It was socially acceptable in our culture to get hammered. But normal people moderate, self regulate as they get older and have more responsibilities. DH didnt. It has been hideous for our children.

I recognise my co-dependant contribution to his issues by covering up for him. I was so ashamed of his behaviour when he was drunk and also his ineptitude when not drunk - but of course hung over - to be a fully grown adult - I have done all of the parenting, financial planning, bringing home the bacon etc alone. I did not confide in anyone as I was so ashamed.

The stress and the disgust. I wish I had my time again. I would find my self respect and walk

laurierf · 15/12/2015 19:22

loooopo Flowers

Do you not feel that you can go now?

KERALA1 · 15/12/2015 19:28

I left my ex who I really loved, because he took Coke and had a violent temper. Was lots of good about him. But I knew I could never have children with him and my desire for dc was stronger than my love for him.

Six months after dumping him I met my gorgeous dh who is a wonderful father to our dds. I shudder to think of my alternate life if I hadn't ended it. If you want a decent family you need to end it now. You're just wasting time atm

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/12/2015 19:32

You have given him a very clear message here, which is "When I give you an ultimatum, you can ignore it. I might complain sometimes but I won't leave you no matter how much you lie to me and how often you choose drugs over me. Ignore my opinion, do what you want, weed, coke, alcohol, whatever, there will be no real consequences from me."

Why are you still there?

loooopo · 15/12/2015 19:34

laurierf - yes of course I can - but currently we have 4 kids and loads of debt - he has been dry for 3 months - but this is his very last chance. I will leave if he falls of the wagon this time.

laurierf · 15/12/2015 19:50

Oh looopo - I get the fact that "of course I can leave" is much easier said than done when you've got one child and their messed up father on your hands, let alone four. Really hoping for you that the last 3 months of sobriety are just the start of things to come for you and your family.

Treetop - it doesn't really matter whether your mates are all fine with taking or being with parters who take coke recreationally… you're not ok with it (like the majority of other people in society let's face it) and he's treated you very badly in light of that. I know you're less bothered about the daily weed-smoking, but actually that is something that would really concern me to be honest. I have one friend of your bf's age who smokes weed everyday who is still with it, hold down a good job etc. (though not hugely motivated for progression/promotion but, hey, who says that's necessarily a bad thing). But he knows he never wants to get married or have kids. The other couple of people I know doing the same… well I have a laugh with them and I care about them… but I'm bloody glad I'm not parenting with them...

DifferentCats · 15/12/2015 20:30

The compulsion to carry on taking cocaine is not dissimilar to the desire to stay with an unsuitable partner. Literally, you love them so much and they make you feel so happy - albeit briefly and unpredictably - that you find it impossible to walk away.

The wretched thing is that your partner has something in his life that he treasures more than you.

I don't want to join the voices telling you to leave. I know you can only do that when you are ready. But I want you to know that it is ok to leave. What he is doing really is bad enough that you don't need further justification.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 22:35

Thanks again everyone.

Loooopo, sorry to hear about your situation, I really hope your bloke follows through this time xxxx

I have moments of feeling really strong & wanting to leave, but then I feel teary & weak. In a bit of a mess tonight. X

OP posts:
Purpleboa · 15/12/2015 22:41

Not rtft but I agree with the general consensus: walk away. My best friend lost years of her life to a coke addict. She supported hIm, financed him and he treated her like dirt. Drugs can ruin not only the user's life. I know it's hard to hear but I'm sorry, I don't think there's any changing this man. Flowers for you.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 22:51

He has cut right down on coke since I moved in. But yes, its not going to change. He does it whenever im not here & he lies to me. That should be enough for me to realise its not right. This week has proved that he cant control the weed smoking, as he said he wasn't going to smoke it & he has. He had one day off, but smoked it every day since. X

OP posts:
Francescal88 · 15/12/2015 23:25

Hi OP - yes I have been in your exact position and it is not fun.

I got with my ex when he was 29 and I 24. He was open with me and told me he had a habit. He had no intention of stopping. But I was young and he was my first proper boyfriend, it wasn't set in stone that we were going to be together forever anyway so I wasn't too bothered. Until I fell pregnant six months into our relationship. He promised and promised he'd stop, save money for our baby. But every couple of months id find evidence that he'd been at it again - messages from his dealer demanding money, and of course his money was always gone by the end of payday. He was ticking coke probably every other day and then having to use his entire wage to pay it all back.

Well by time I had DS he had not given me a penny towards anything - I had to get absolutely EVERYTHING a baby needs by myself on my not brilliant wage. DS was over a year old before I got any financial help at all from him, and even then it was only £50 a week.

Anyway, I digress. The truth is, cokeheads are liars. The only thing they care about is getting that next wrap. Literally snorting £50 a time up their noses. It's no way to live. You will never have a happy future with him as long as he's hoovering up that shit. My ex became such an accomplished liar, the only way I knew what he was up to was to go through his phone and Facebook. I could never go back to living like that.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 16/12/2015 08:59

Francesca . . . .it must be so hard with a baby to think about too. I cant imagine the stress.

coke most definitely makes people into liars and just generally sneaky people. in the case of my bf, I think its anything to keep the peace. he recently went to see his best mate who lives away, and when he got back he said he had been doing coke, as they had a few drinks and it was a spur of the moment thing. when I looked at his phone, he had planned it all along, and took the coke with him. little lies like this have been a constant theme, and have completely broken the trust between us. he says things like 'I have only lied to you about coke, nothing else' . . .he just doesn't get it.

OP posts:
wafflerinchief · 16/12/2015 09:45

no he doesn't get it, because the need to use coke isn't rational and it shows he mentally sanctions any behaviour when it's related to coke use. That kind of scheming behaviour can escalate too - why not do a bit of stealing at work to boost your income so you can score more coke etc. Or borrowing money off a family member, getting into debt etc.

HogglesFriend · 16/12/2015 09:48

Treetop I sympathise with you, I really do. It's hard to leave when you love someone and you hope they can change. Every day you spend with this man is a day you will never get back. Life is far too short and precious to waste it on someone who loves drugs more than he loves you. Move out tonight, you've got somewhere to go. Run and don't look back. Delaying it is only delaying the inevitable hurt it will cause you but it's like pulling off a plaster, the thought of doing it is actually worse than actually doing it. It will hurt for a while but you will get over it and once you're in a better place, you will look back at wish you'd done it sooner. You never know which day will be your last on this earth, don't waste it with this man. Leave today and start getting on with the rest of your life, happy and free of this selfish waste of space. I wish you lots of strength and luck!

wafflerinchief · 16/12/2015 09:49

[by the way this isn't theoretical based on a programme i watched on tv, it's based on experience of a friend and 2 family members, the escalation of the things they would do to enable the score]. fwiw my circle of friends and family includes a fair number of frequent weed smokers and not one of them has a normal or averagely good life. While it may not be as evil as coke, I've never seen it associated with people that were happy most of the time.

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 16/12/2015 09:56

This is going to be one of those threads isn't it? The ones that run and run, with people wasting time being helpful, while the OP goes "I'm feeling very strong today/I'm going to leave/thank you all so much/but I love him/he's promised to stop/I'm going to stay/I can't leave him/he's lovely really" on a loop.

hellsbellsmelons · 16/12/2015 10:02

Yes it may well be but that doesn't matter at all.
We will still be here to support OP through any decision she makes.
It's her life after all and none of us can assume to know everything.
I do believe it's sinking in and do believe she will leave.
I don't think it will be before Christmas but she'll get there.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 16/12/2015 10:20

thatsnotmyrabbit . . .this is the first time ive posted here, and its been such a massive help. I have also responded on other threads and spent time speaking with people who are going through a bad time, trying to help them. I have never once felt that I have wasted my time if they decide not to take the advice.

hellsbells . .thank-you. I think you are right xxx

OP posts:
ThatsNotMyRabbit · 16/12/2015 10:23

No, we can't assume to know everything.However I do believe in this case we know everything relevant. Her boyfriend is a druggie, he'll always be a druggie, she hasn't left him yet and probably won't. At some point she'll become so used to it that it won't seem so bad. She'll get pregnant thinking that THAT is what it'll take for him to get clean.
"Why would I need to take drugs when I've got you and a baby?" Hmm

wafflerinchief · 16/12/2015 11:37

to be fair to Op though, she's said several times she does understand this isn't an environment or a relationship you can bring kids into. One of the most depressing things about addiction (so many to choose from!) is that having DCs changes nothing for the good, it's all empty promises - the tiredness and selflessness needed to look after DCs properly ime often triggers worsening addictive behaviour. Also it is hard to leave someone you care about even when the rational truth is smacking you in the face - I've never had to do it, it's easy for me to sit here and say it's obvious.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 16/12/2015 11:46

The stress and worry and anxiety is enough to cope with when it's just me. there is no way I would bring a baby into the mix.

OP posts:
ricketytickety · 16/12/2015 12:12

my dd was that baby. Her df was a weed smoker, drinker and occasional coke user. What you see as 'blips' is actually his personality. It isn't the coke that is lying to you. It is him. This is how he wants to live his life. This will become clear to you as the years go by. Selfish people put their needs before others. He puts his before yours. Not only does he do that, he dismisses your upset at being lied to or having him get shitty with you by saying you need to 'chill out'. That is him telling you quite clearly that he couldn't give a shit about how you feel. Times are good when he is happy. These are the times you think 'he does love me' or 'this is a good relationship'. But it is only good because he sees it that way. As soon as he wants something you don't, it's bad.

They don't change because it's not the drugs. It's them.

ricketytickety · 16/12/2015 12:17

The druggy world is attractive to him because it is full of selfish people who put themselves before their partners/children/society and so he feels it normalises his arsehole behaviour. Behaviour like making you drive around all boxing day night to find his drugs. Listening to him telling you you are a nag/oversensitive/need to chill out. Having to clean up his mess. Waiting up all night for him to come in. Him snapping at you when you tell him it's not ok/you are tired/ask him where he has been. They all do it and that's why they hang around together, because they all do the same things at home.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 16/12/2015 12:27

thanks rickety . . .the episodes of bad behaviour aren't as frequent, but I think that's because he now saves it for when I'm not there.

I do have to accept that it is his personality.

OP posts:
wafflerinchief · 16/12/2015 14:04

i think rickety has an excellent point - thinking about all the addicts I know (none of them have ever recovered so no ex-addicts), they're all selfish and have failed to prioritize their DC or their OH's at any point. The ones with DC have ended up with barely any relationship with their children (we're talking 1-2 a year interactions).