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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is turning a blind eye a big mistake?

268 replies

Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 13:10

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here. I would really like to get your thoughts on my current situation. I'll try to keep it short.

I have lived with my boyfriend for a year (been together for almost 2 years, but known him all my life). When we were younger we were in the same group of friends, and were recreational drug users. it was a phase for most of us and I then moved away for almost 10 years and didn't even give drugs another thought. My boyfriend still takes cocaine and it has caused problems between us. He has lied about taking it, as he knows I don't like it, but I always catch him out. I now find myself checking his phone, pockets and wallet on a regular basis and I feel like I am going out of my mind.

I'm not judging anyone who takes drugs, this is a personal choice and one I have made in the past, but I feel like I don't want this in my life and especially not in the future, as I would love a family one day.

He doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing. We had a big argument about it again this morning and he has told me to go away and think about all the good things in our relationship, and to figure out if the bad out weighs the good. This tells me that he has no intention of stopping, so he is willing to throw the relationship and future away just for a few lines of coke. Should I just walk away now, or am I over-reacting? He is 35 and I am 31.

Has anyone else been in this position? I think he is doing it every couple of weeks.

Thanks very much.

OP posts:
timelytess · 11/12/2015 23:56

Don't even talk to him about it. Pack. Leave. Save yourself.

DifferentCats · 12/12/2015 00:03

I'm so sorry, OP.

I know things are going to get much better for you when you don't have this to worry about anymore. Hang on in there and you'll see.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 12/12/2015 00:37

Thank you all so much, this has really helped me today. I've had a glass of wine tonight, so im not going to drive, but I will call my mum in the morning & arrange to go to her house. Ive told her a few times that im going to do this, & then not followed it through, which I know is really frustrating for her, so I dont want to do it until it is actually happening.

OP posts:
stabbybitch · 12/12/2015 08:08

Sorry I fell asleep last night. Leaving really is the right way forwards, he has already destroyed your trust the next step is resentment.

I know how hard walking away really is. I was the same as you, kept saying I was going to but never actually following through with it. It was soul destroying for friends & family to watch too.

He doesn't believe he has a problem so he won't change. It took me 3 years for me realise my Dp was making the right noises but didn't really believe he had problem. It took him till he was he was ready not me trying to change him.

You need to save yourself not him.

Kr1stina · 12/12/2015 08:18

He's made his terms very clear . Put up or leave . He's staying away to show you how terrible your life will be without him and to stop you ever complaining about him again . it's a punishment for your behaviour .

I know you what to talk to him before you leave because you are still clinging on to the hope that once he sees you are serious about leaving , he will quit. That you will give him " one last chance " .

Well he might promise to quit . He might even really mean it when he says it . But addiction is not really like that. He needs the coke and the weed far more than he needs you , and he's made it clear that he has no intention of stopping, whatever you say or do .

That's life with an addict .

I'm sorry

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 12/12/2015 08:36

Best of luck, Treetop. Stay strong!

You don't even need to talk to him. If you want to, and feel you can do it safely, fine, but you owe him nothing.

DadWasHere · 12/12/2015 09:05

Am I over-reacting

OP, my mother destroyed herself with alcohol quite happily and people destroy themselves with gambling, sex, fags, religion, debt, all manner of legal things. Other people, they can drink, gamble, pray, use credit cards responsibly and whatever. Somehow, they manage to keep their lives under control while others just go ape.

You have to separate things here, like your personal distaste for what a person does and the danger you feel they are under doing it. If its a deal-breaker, break the deal, just be clear with yourself on why.

Viewofhedges · 12/12/2015 10:06

There is another thread on here from a poster whose husband didn't come back from the Christmas party, leaving her stuck overnight with her 2 year old while she is 35 weeks pregnant. She suspects that he was taking drugs. She sounded, understandably, utterly miserable. And horribly, horribly stuck.

Leave now while you can. The right man for you you values you more than 'his right to party'.

DifferentCats · 12/12/2015 17:50

Hope you are ok today, OP. It's not easy to walk away from something like this. We're all still here for you whatever you decide.

featherglass · 12/12/2015 18:58

Dear Treetop,
I have watched my daughter go through this with her ex partner - he was a habitual weed and coke user - she started very tolerant (as a non user herself) but over the years got sick and tired of watching him get completely wasted at weekends and watched him sabotage himself, his employment prospects and of course their future as well as spending all his money on drugs. The perpetual lies, the missing days and being under the influence led him to do some really stupid things and finally she told him to go. She's now single but relaxed and happy, no longer stressing and trying to 'manage' his addiction.
There really is little hope for a long term future with an addict - the addiction is sadly bigger than any relationship.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 12/12/2015 21:38

Hi everyone. So I bottled it. Im embarressed to admit it. He came back at about 4am & tried talking to me at 6am. I said that we need to get sleep first (i slept on the sofa). When we spoke, he said he is knocking everything on the head as he cant keep doing what hes doing. He said he wont make it to 40 if he carries on like he is. There were the usual tears & stuff too. I am just in a daze, I haven't really said anything, in my heart its over, but I cant seem to say it or do it. I know that this wont be the end of the drugs. He has gone to bed without smoking any weed, which is a first, but I dont feel proud or pleased, as I know that tomorrow will be back to normal. Need to find some strength from somewhere.

Thanks everyone for the advice x

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 12/12/2015 22:06

Treetop, it is hard. You've invested in this relationship. Your emotions are in play. Never be embarrassed. There will come a point when you feel able to act on what your head is telling you. It may take longer than is optimum, you may at that point wish you had done it sooner. Or you may have a moment of clarity tomorrow that allows you to step back and away. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you do what is right for you, when it is right for you. Best wishes. Always feel free to come back here to mull, to rage, to vent, to use others as a sounding board. MN will always be here for you.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 12/12/2015 22:08

Thank you xxxxxx

OP posts:
mix56 · 13/12/2015 08:19

Treetop, well done for telling him you ned to sleep before talking.
Of course he is making promises, he's an addict. addicts can only lie.
If he really means it, his actions will tell you all you need to know.
It doesn't mean he is a "bad" person, that he is not loveable.

When he gets up today, what does he do ? does he talk about getting help? setting up a detox etc ? its virtually impossible that he can just STOP, without going to narcs anon etc.or counselling. Even if he knows he should stop, severance is unlikely.
He now accepts it's a problem, 2 days ago, he said, you go away & consider what is good about your relationship, & his drug use was only occasional, & manageable.

So you need to either say I will stay if you get help & prove that this is going to stop, & by this you mean, seeing GP TOMORROW, (not after Xmas) organising checking into detox, followed by therapy. or you are out. (& He can always contact you when he is clean)
Remember its like alcohol , or gambling, he may stop, but it can start again at any time. & probably will.

Kr1stina · 13/12/2015 08:21

What were you left it said .

mix56 · 13/12/2015 08:22

Are there any help lines for this situation? if he means it, he can call one today

iisme · 13/12/2015 08:41

The situation you describe sounds pretty bad. To me, occasional drug use can be fine - both DH and I do it and we have two DCs. But we only do it 2-3 times per year at big parties and NYE, when we have the childcare sorted out. Your situation sounds quite different. If his drug use is impacting on his day-to-day life and he isn't interested in cutting down, you probably need to leave.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 08:44

A quick update if anyone is still following this thread. Boyf was back to snoking weed by sunday (one day off). He has absolutely no will power at all. His best mate is also really trying to help (he himself had a drink problem but is now sober, it recently cost him his marriage).i know I could walk out at any point, but I haven't been able to yet xxxx

OP posts:
mix56 · 15/12/2015 09:17

you are condoning it, you say you want him to stop, he says he will, then doesn't. You making a stand might just be the trigger for him to get help.
either way, your life needs to move on

wafflerinchief · 15/12/2015 09:39

sorry to hear it op - have you looked into getting yourself some counselling for why you feel you have to cling to this relationship? Maybe that's the urgent thing you can do, so you can unpick how to get the strength to leave and find someone that isn't an addict.

RiceCrispieTreats · 15/12/2015 09:47

It's hard to walk away. Even harder for the co-dependent (who partner up with addicts).

Since you can't help or change him (repeat: you can't help or change him), would you be willing to look for support for yourself? Al-Anon, Co-dependents Anonymous, or a local psychotherapist could all help you unpick why you are sticking by this man, even though it is clearly a destructive relationship for you.

You deserve better. It may help you to find out why you feel so stuck.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 09:53

I guess I'm clinging because there are still lots of good times. We are always so busy doing nice things, but then he ruins it all by making bad decisions. I have emailed a counselling service that my work offer, so hopefully I will hear back from them soon. I do feel like I have a lot I need to say out loud.

Thanks for the replies. and also for those links mix56

OP posts:
Original poster
Treetop12 · 15/12/2015 09:56

thanks ricecrispietreats - I do need to think about myself more. I just can't help but think that I'm being over dramatic. some of my friends are with blokes that use coke recreationally, and also who smoke weed (not every day though), and they don't seem to mind. whereas I have a real problem with it (especially the coke). we just aren't right for each other are we? it's like trying to fit a round peg into a square hole. there's no point trying to change him.

OP posts: