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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is turning a blind eye a big mistake?

268 replies

Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 13:10

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here. I would really like to get your thoughts on my current situation. I'll try to keep it short.

I have lived with my boyfriend for a year (been together for almost 2 years, but known him all my life). When we were younger we were in the same group of friends, and were recreational drug users. it was a phase for most of us and I then moved away for almost 10 years and didn't even give drugs another thought. My boyfriend still takes cocaine and it has caused problems between us. He has lied about taking it, as he knows I don't like it, but I always catch him out. I now find myself checking his phone, pockets and wallet on a regular basis and I feel like I am going out of my mind.

I'm not judging anyone who takes drugs, this is a personal choice and one I have made in the past, but I feel like I don't want this in my life and especially not in the future, as I would love a family one day.

He doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing. We had a big argument about it again this morning and he has told me to go away and think about all the good things in our relationship, and to figure out if the bad out weighs the good. This tells me that he has no intention of stopping, so he is willing to throw the relationship and future away just for a few lines of coke. Should I just walk away now, or am I over-reacting? He is 35 and I am 31.

Has anyone else been in this position? I think he is doing it every couple of weeks.

Thanks very much.

OP posts:
DifferentCats · 11/12/2015 15:00

Coke is super addictive. If you can live with him and it, you might have a chance. If he can quit, which he may find frighteningly difficult as he probably doesn't yet understand how addicted he is, you may have a chance.

If you keep living in this limbo secrets/guilt trips cycle, this relationship will fail slowly and painfully.

He needs to quit for himself though. He can't quit for you.

somewheresomehow · 11/12/2015 15:01

Take it from someone who's DS who whenever he gets hold of any money will get fucked on weed or legal highs and be an arsehole to boot
Run for the hills and don't look back !
Its a much better place to be

Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 15:01

Lovelyfriend, was he taking it a lot? Did he lie about it? It's the lying that gets me the most. Having someone you love look you in the eye and tell lie after lie is just heart breaking. 'its not mine, I got it for a friend' etc etc etc

OP posts:
laurierf · 11/12/2015 15:02

Oh god I feel for you so much with the driving around looking for coke for him in the middle of the night…. Chalk this up to a major learning experience, know you gave everything you could to make it work and he just wasn't up to it, and please go and have some fun and open your life up to someone who deserves you. Put this in motion right now. Any time you start to wobble, come back to this thread and listen to the people who have lived with this who are urging you to get the hell out and to go and enjoy your life!

PitilessYank · 11/12/2015 15:02

My basic position on this is that it is illegal, and even if his dealer is a "nice guy", and his dealer's supplier is also a "decent enough chap", that there are sociopaths and utter creeps in the supply chain and I don't want any association with them whatsoever, however indirect it may be.

The drug trade is borne of misery and exploitation and I choose to stay far away from it.

There are, of course, many other reasons to avoid it...

manana21 · 11/12/2015 15:05

We have an old friend who was once a nice normal seeming guy serving time for lying, stealing money and violent crime to support his coke habit. It's not a cliche for nothing.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 15:09

PitilessYank, I feel the same. Don't get me wrong - it is part of my past . . .but now I know so much more about where it comes from and all the really awful people that are involved in the process (I've done a lot of research this year).

he doesn't even really do it as a social thing. he likes to sit on his own and do it. it makes me really sad.

OP posts:
mulranna · 11/12/2015 15:09

OP you have suffered enough - this is only a small taste of the horrors of living with someone with a problem - he will not change - he has chosen not to time and time again.

What would your plan for getting out - with no looking back be?

Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 15:15

mulranna - I guess I just thought that once a fortnight didn't mean he had a problem. I think I was wrong.

I would go to my mums initially. I don't have that much stuff at his, as ive never really felt fully settled there.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 11/12/2015 15:17

Yes indeed, you are doing the usual defending and minimising (or have been) but you know he does illegal drugs of some sort every single day!!
That's not OK.

laurierf · 11/12/2015 15:21

Treetop - I know what you mean about the once a fortnight which is why my initial response focused purely on the lying to your face aspect (and also the fact that he couldn't even give it up when you're asking him to when it's not even a daily habit). But the smoking weed every day… plus you in tears driving round looking for coke for him… plus him driving you whilst under the influence… and him telling you to go away and weigh up the good v bad… just, NO. You are clearly an intelligent and caring person… you deserve so much more. Please go and get it. You've spent a lot of time researching drugs and pleading/arguing/crying… that energy and time now needs to be focused on your new plan for your 30s - it's a great decade, these have been the most enjoyable years of my life so far, please enjoy yours.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 15:28

Thanks everyone, this has been such an eye opener to get such honest and upfront advice. I wish I had posted here sooner!

laurierf - I agree, I really want to enjoy my 30's and not have this constant worry x

OP posts:
SanityClause · 11/12/2015 15:34

I've had a year of paranoia and stress

i feel like i have cried more in this last year than the whole of my life before that!!

This is now your life, if you stay with him.

LovelyFriend · 11/12/2015 15:38

Lovelyfriend, was he taking it a lot? Did he lie about it?
I'm not sure how much he was taking - I can only go by his finances which were totally fucked - as I knew the rest of his outgoings then I can calculate how much he was spending on coke.

he lied 100% about it - he denied it too. But I know 100% about it (retrospectively) as I know someone who took it with him regularly who has told me the truth & who I trust and believe.

In the beginning of the relationship he told me he took coke - he implied very occasionally. Well he lied then and he lied thought our entire relationship. 2 children the works.

Whenever I confronted him about it he lied. He still lies about it - he is in MAJOR denial about it. He lies to the world and he lies to himself. He has rewritten his life and history. All lies and all for what?

Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 15:42

lovelyfriend - the denial and the lies must be 'normal' in this situation. when I spoke to my boyfriend this morning I said that he has done it quite a few times in the last month. he said 'probably twice' but I then named the different occasions and he didn't know what to say.

it just rolls off his tongue. and it does make me wonder what else he could be lying about.

OP posts:
laurierf · 11/12/2015 15:52

Be prepared to be told you're overreacting, being neurotic, hysterical, killjoy etc. etc. He's already put that idea in your head because you already asked in your OP whether you were overreacting.

Just don't buy it.

You've had responses here from people who are open-minded about recreational drugs who are ALL still telling you that this is NOT OK and you need to get away and start living your life, not being lied to, not being told to go away and weigh things up (i.e. put up and shut up) and not having all these tears and worry - life is too precious to waste like this.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 15:59

laurierf. you make a lot of sense and seem to really get it! he will 100% make me feel like im over reacting. he has already said in a text that I need to chill out.

life is so short xx

OP posts:
ijustwannadance · 11/12/2015 16:09

And if you did have kids with this man, would you ever be able to trust him to take care of them unsupervised. If he thinks it's fine to drive while on drugs, he won't think twice even with kids in the car.
The simple fact is that you grew up and moved on, he didn't and has no intention of stopping. Just leave. Walk away from the stress and bullshit. Enjoy your life. Don't waste anymore time trying to save a lost cause.

RiceCrispieTreats · 11/12/2015 16:30

You realise that if he'd driven while drunk and had harmed himself or another, it would have been his responsibility?

You should not shield him from the consequences of his own actions. That is doing a service to no-one.

In order to protect the public without enabling him, here's an alternative in this scenario: let him take the car drunk, and phone the police with his number plates to alert them that there's a drunk driver on the road.

He can and will continue to do stupid things. And he must face the consequences.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 16:34

Risecrispietreats - I do completely understand where you are coming from. and I thought about my decision for a long time afterwards. it didn't cross my mind to let him drive and call the police. he is self employed and that would really ruin his life. Rather than have that on my conscience, I think I would rather walk away and let him make his own mistakes.

thanks for posting though, I do appreciate everyones comments.

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 11/12/2015 16:37

Move on now, Treetop. There is also a very real risk he may end up disabled with irreversible brain injury. It is slow chemical suicide. My dsis is a nurse in a nursing home and has several such patients. Grim.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 16:37

Risecrispietreats - I do completely understand where you are coming from. and I thought about my decision for a long time afterwards. it didn't cross my mind to let him drive and call the police. he is self employed and that would really ruin his life. Rather than have that on my conscience, I think I would rather walk away and let him make his own mistakes.

thanks for posting though, I do appreciate everyones comments.

OP posts:
Wineandrosesagain · 11/12/2015 16:39

I lived with a guy who was (as it turned out) a drug addict and alcoholic. He would take any drug he could get by the end. He stole from my family, lied constantly, sold all of my jewellery (including some irreplaceable things passed down from my mother and grandmother) and did some other terrible things. Once he realised that I wasn't going to hang around for much longer, he stopped bothering to cover his tracks and I couldn't believe what he'd been up to. Luckily I didn't have children with him.

The absolute pits for me was that by living with him, I was suddenly on the periphery of the seedy, criminal underworld and the awful people who operate in it. Grim is not the word.

I know what you mean by crying more than you had in your entire life before - that was me. He was actually a funny, articulate, kind and clever man, ruined by his addiction. He's dead now.

Wineandrosesagain · 11/12/2015 16:40

Meant to add - leave as quickly as you can.

mix56 · 11/12/2015 16:43

Actually, I am betting if you say, either you get help or I am leaving, he won't even try to stop you. He is not interested, or able to stop.
Do yourself a favour. ring your Mum, & ask to go home.