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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is turning a blind eye a big mistake?

268 replies

Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 13:10

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting here. I would really like to get your thoughts on my current situation. I'll try to keep it short.

I have lived with my boyfriend for a year (been together for almost 2 years, but known him all my life). When we were younger we were in the same group of friends, and were recreational drug users. it was a phase for most of us and I then moved away for almost 10 years and didn't even give drugs another thought. My boyfriend still takes cocaine and it has caused problems between us. He has lied about taking it, as he knows I don't like it, but I always catch him out. I now find myself checking his phone, pockets and wallet on a regular basis and I feel like I am going out of my mind.

I'm not judging anyone who takes drugs, this is a personal choice and one I have made in the past, but I feel like I don't want this in my life and especially not in the future, as I would love a family one day.

He doesn't see anything wrong with what he is doing. We had a big argument about it again this morning and he has told me to go away and think about all the good things in our relationship, and to figure out if the bad out weighs the good. This tells me that he has no intention of stopping, so he is willing to throw the relationship and future away just for a few lines of coke. Should I just walk away now, or am I over-reacting? He is 35 and I am 31.

Has anyone else been in this position? I think he is doing it every couple of weeks.

Thanks very much.

OP posts:
KeepOnMoving1 · 11/12/2015 16:44

You're 31, and at its still early enough to leave him, start a new and healthy relationship and still have those kids that you want. You've realized all of this now, a huge mistake would be sticking it out and leaving it till its too late. Besides knowing that he is an addict and then having a child would be something morally wrong to do to a child. If he decided to seek help it would be a very, very long road with many setbacks along the way, ask yourself if you have that many years to waste seeing that happen.

I think you know the best thing for your own future would be to leave him. He will never change. You deserve to live a better life than this.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 16:46

andthebandplayedon . . .can that happen with his level of use? that is so scary. xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 16:53

keeponmoving1 . . .I would never bring a child into this situation. I agree that it would be morally wrong. I guess that's my answer isn't it.

OP posts:
mix56 · 11/12/2015 17:01

Yes they can have seizures, brain damage, holes can form in their palate from the chemicals, God knows what other damage. www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-87818/How-cocaine-destroy-body.html

laurierf · 11/12/2015 17:02

Treetop - it is and it isn't your answer, by which I mean… if you say to him "I will never bring a child into this situation" he will make you all sorts of promises about stopping, just like he did when you said you'd move down to be with him… and he convinced you and then went back on it, and he's got you questioning yourself even though you 100% know he has lied to your face numerous times, had you in tears, knows full well how distressing this is for you and continues anyway… so, yes, you couldn't bring a child into this situation… but this child doesn't exist right now, YOU do and YOU are wasting your life, risking your life, driving round in the middle of the night looking for drugs for him… so don't even bother going there with the child aspect with him. Do this for yourself and do it now.

RedRainRocks · 11/12/2015 17:04

Leave... Just go.
It isn't and doesn't have to be your problem

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 11/12/2015 17:24

I just Googled "can drug addiction lead to brain injury".
Here is an article primarily about alcohol...for drug comments look at the bottom two paragraphs.

Incapacity Determination in Claiming Benefits might be another clue to Google-that discusses disability due to addictions.

It is a serious consideration, Treetop. I would be very concerned especially if he has consumed the drugs over a span of many years. The human body can only take so much.

For me, I would also worry I'd find him dead of an overdose on any given day.

I don't think you should put too much weight to his opinion. His perspective is affected by the drugs...just like the lies. His opinion just isn't that valid anymore. You can easily dismiss his ideas as he does yours=two way street.

In this instance, imho, get away from him first. You can emotionally detach at your leisure, in safety, later.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 17:30

Thanks everyone. I know the right thing to do, it is just getting the balls to actually do it. I feel like there is going to be a big argument and I will end up feeling unreasonable.

thanks again guys x

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 11/12/2015 17:41

An argument lasts what? A few minutes? Why shy away from that in favor of a life time of utter horrors. Let him argue...it is just more lip service for him to get what he wants, when he wants it.

You know you do not need his permission to leave the relationship, right?

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/12/2015 17:44

He loves drugs more than he loves you.

That's the bottom line, isn't it Sad?

Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 17:45

I know, I just need to take a deep breath and get on with it. he just called to see if I'm going home or if I'm staying at my mums, as if I'm staying away then he will go out. I just told him to do whatever he wants.

I feel weak and really upset.

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 11/12/2015 17:47

In light of the fact that he told you to go away and think about it ...that leaves the option of doing what he asked (move out to your Mom's because you need to give this due consideration) and just never go back.

KeepOnMoving1 · 11/12/2015 18:05

Hang in there Tree, it's really hard especially the first few steps but it does get better. It will always be a problem, you vs the drugs. Imagine how you feel now, and it will be much worse the longer you stay.
Go to your mum. X

OhDearMuriel · 11/12/2015 18:15

Don't let him drag you down anymore - you will end up hating him and yourself for being in this situation.
The longer you stay the worse it will get and the harder it will be to leave him.

Be brave and go to your mums.
Wishing you lots of luck x

Cabrinha · 11/12/2015 18:29

Two things came to mind reading your posts.

My friend's weed smoking son who at 19 had fucked his brain up so much he'll be dependent on her for life.

Imaging you driving round to get him drugs, so he won't drive after the weed. But this time with a small child in the back "where are we going mummy?" - or will she stay behind with a high father who is getting agitated wanting the coke?

wafflerinchief · 11/12/2015 19:02

He's making you responsible for his behaviour too, if you're not going home, he's going out, presumably to take drugs. That's a threat and manipulation. You should never stay with someone who's good behaviour is supposedly resting on the strength of your relationship because then everything to do with their addiction becomes somehow your fault. The drugs are already rotting his personality.

stabbybitch · 11/12/2015 22:00

Just read the rest of the thread, I'm sorry your feeling upset but if you were to stay you would be feeling worse than you do now every weekend.

I don't want to say too much on here but life with an addict and 3 children is not what you want.

We have only just survived & getting here was hell but I knew he wouldn't survive with out me and the kids. I rathered a recovering addict dad (that I will love for eternity) for my kids than a dead by overdose dad, which is what would of happened if I left him.

Out of everything you've said the massive red flag for me is that it's not even recreational (out with mates) this means he's in very deep. My dp was the same, would score and stay in by himself.

Please think about what your future would really be like.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 22:05

Thanks stabby. I came home. Im sat watching telly, wondering what hes up to & who he is with. He does mostly do it alone, but obviously if he is out having drinks then it will definitely be involved too. I know that my mind is made up, I need to leave. I just want to talk to him first. Not tonight, but tomorrow xx

OP posts:
LovelyFriend · 11/12/2015 22:13

The thing is once you've decided to leave a relationship there's no need for a big argument- that's one of the beauties of it.

You already know he'll lie and throw blame etc. He's incapable of hearing what you have to say. So another conversation/argument is pointless. You have no need for it.

Tell him it's over and walk away. Tell him by phone if you want. He'll try to get nasty but you don't have to hear it. Gather your support and use it.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 22:27

I do feel like it will get nasty very quickly. It almost went that way this morning, but I think the fact he's not here now is a sign that he is also giving up on trying to make it work. When I think about it rationally, I know that I will be ok once the hard bit is done. I just feel really emotional, which im trying to hold in, as im so sick of being upset xxx

OP posts:
stabbybitch · 11/12/2015 22:49

It's crap, it really is but it's for the best. Dp used to do a disappearing act from thurs/fri till sun/mon and go to his mums as he knew I wouldn't let him in high.

He would just turn his phone off till he was sober, then come home. He dosnt even have a mobile at the moment, as it takes away temptation when he's alone. (His idea not mine)

Don't even attempt to talk till he's sober, it will be easier for him to process and hopefully realise that you deserve more.

Original poster
Treetop12 · 11/12/2015 23:30

His best mate (who lives 100 miles away) has just called me for a chat to see whats gone on. He said that my bf has called him to say hes not coming home. What a mess x

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 11/12/2015 23:39

"I would go to my mums initially. I don't have that much stuff at his, as ive never really felt fully settled there."
Ah Treetop12 Sad, after that phonecall I think I would start packing, go to mum's and start planning the rest of my life.

laurierf · 11/12/2015 23:46

Treetop - it's good that he's not coming back. Seriously. If you can't pack it all, pack what you can and go -now if you can or first thing in the morning… you don't need to deal with his coke + booze hangover that he'll need extra spliffs to deal with. He told you to go away and weigh up the good v bad which was crappy enough in itself… to then not be doing everything he can to remind you of the good… if I were there I'd be stuffing your essentials into a bag and calling you a cab to a mate's/your family this very minute….

mix56 · 11/12/2015 23:52

Pack you stuff while he is out.
When he comes home. Say that you have indeed thought about it, it is breaking your heart, but you are never going to be happy with a drug user. addict
If he starts getting sad/promising....you say, "fine, when you're clean call me."
if he gets agressive & justifying, you say, "fine, well I wish you well. clearly I can't compete with your best friend. Goodbye"

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