Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH doesn't know if he still wants to be with me.

382 replies

intheairthatnightfernando · 06/12/2015 22:45

In shock. Married 15 years, two kids 7 and 4. Shared friends. Always been very solid but have ups and downs, good phases and bad. So bicker. But always had each other's backs. Never doubted this was forever.

He has been off with me this last month. Snappy, irritated. Short with th children. Just not very nice. I have pulled him on it many times but he remains grumpy and disinterested.

Tonight I flipped and asked just what was going on. He says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, he isn't happy. He says no-one else and I believe him. He can't explain why, he says he doesn't like who he is now, so intolerant and grumpy.

I don't know what to do. We have young children and I assumed everyone was a bit out of love at this stage. I have never ever envisaged parting. He says he doesn't know what he wants and is very sad about it. I can't bear to think our family could dissolve. But do not want to this lying down. Am sleeping in with our dd tonight, could not go to our bedroom after this. He is now looking bereft saying he does love me but is unhappy.

OP posts:
ImtheChristmasCarcass · 11/12/2015 23:52

AF is right. So many of us have been where you are. I've been there twice. The first time I divorced an abusive twat & kicked him to the kerb. The second time counseling worked and we survived our crisis and we're still together.

We each have to move at our own pace. It's just that it's so hard to see others hurting. Naturally those of us who've made it through the storm want to save others from the same pain we've been through.

You'll get there.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 11/12/2015 23:53

OP - of course you need to do what you feel is right, at the pace that suits you.

But so many other posters here and your story remind me of my situation. Even the man (one eyed) had a point. I acted, like you, for me, and in the way I thought ExDP understood. I did kick him out to spare bed. I did write a letter. I did think I had been firm and stood up for myself.

ExDP had also started to ' question what he needed from life', 'wasn't sure he could make me happy'. Big insecurities in me, we'd had a child etc been together years.

Talking to your DH will not help, I can't stress this enough. Not now. He really does need to feel this potential loss of you acutely, physically, and now. Whether that be kicking him out for good, for 2 days, for 1 week, or putting on your best and leaving him with the kids while you go out, get drunk, stay at friends, go away the weekend, buy yourself new stuff. I tell you that got more attention and focus from my ExDP than a thousand reasoned talks. It was like he'd woken up!

ProfGrammaticus · 12/12/2015 09:24

Ou have indeed made a hobby of it, anyfucker. But this is the OP's life and life is not as black and white as you make it sound.

mix56 · 12/12/2015 09:42

agree with Bananas. But completely understand OP needing time to get to grips with her brutal choices

LionHeartedWoman · 12/12/2015 09:50

It's about boundaries and self respect ProfG.

LilaTheTiger · 12/12/2015 10:13

God, won't the world be better when women no longer feel the need to "know I gave it 100%" with a man who has never given more than 60% at his most loved up

This is the best thing I've ever read on the relationship boards

AyeAmarok · 12/12/2015 10:55

God, won't the world be better when women no longer feel the need to "know I gave it 100%" with a man who has never given more than 60% at his most loved up.

regret-proofing the life I wasn't living.

Thank you for these, Bathtime and Blood (the combination of your two names sounds like a film scene of carnage, though!)

ProfGrammaticus · 12/12/2015 10:57

Of course boundaries and self respect are important. But so are long relationships and children.

Lweji · 12/12/2015 11:17

Long relationships are meaningless and even damaging if they are one sided or even abusive.
And children don't benefit from disfunctional relationships either.
The op (anyone) shouldn't maintain a relationship at all costs if it's damaging for her.

BloomingAtLast · 12/12/2015 11:23

Amazing advice on here. Much luck, OP, you sound completely rational and a great wife and mum Thanks

LilaTheTiger · 12/12/2015 12:10

Prof long relationships are lovely if they are working.

A long relationship with a man that has you on pins as to whether he wants to be with you or not is a best awful and at worst severely damaging to your mental health and the children's.

This is the 21st century, women are not obliged to hang about and put up with this nonsense for lack of alternatives, and the alternatives are fabulous.

NameChange30 · 12/12/2015 13:27

"Long relationships are meaningless and even damaging if they are one sided or even abusive.
And children don't benefit from disfunctional relationships either.
The op (anyone) shouldn't maintain a relationship at all costs if it's damaging for her."

Well said Lweji.

AnyFucker · 12/12/2015 13:29

ProfG...seriously, you think behaviour shown by this bloke should always be tolerated in order to maintain a long term relationship ?

That's some man appeasing shit you are peddling there.

EveryoneAnon · 12/12/2015 13:54

At risk of getting flamed here... But I was in a similar position to the OP about 18 months ago. He suddenly said he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore. I was shocked and for my own self-preservation planned my independence.

Within 24 hours he said he hadn't said that, just that he was fed up of everything and that included our relationship being the way it was.

I queried midlife crisis or depression but he denied both. We went to relate and he managed to make himself look like the poor henpecked man who has to do all the work because I wasn't emptying the recycling bin in the kitchen. The fact that he wasn't doing any of the house work other than cooking (which he enjoyed) was swept under the carpet. The relate counsellor sympathise with him and suggested paying for a cleaner. The end result was: will I please empty the recycle bin and we both need to communicate better.

I am the communicator and was prepared to meet him monthly to discuss how we are doing, but he baled out and won't spend time with me.

The trouble I have is I'm disabled with MS and often housebound so can't see any way of meeting anyone else. Also my children site on their dad and I can't bring myself to rip them apart like that.

So I've decided to plod on and make an independent life but under the same roof. If he doesn't want my company then I won't offer it to him because I value my company and will only share such a treasure with those friends and family who appreciate it.

I am honest with my children and I talk of what a good relationship is like and i highlight gently to them when their Dad is not acting right, because I want them to realise this is not the model of a good relationship. It's not an effort to turn them against him or have divided loyalties but to validate what they see with their own eyes and help them make sense of it. I do that because being a single parent isn't a way to demonstrate a good relationship, because you aren't in one! Also I can't bear the idea of having half a week without them. I'd rather put up with my husband and love with my children all the time. So what I'm saying is, leaving is an option but not the only one. I can understand the OP wanting to try first after 20 years. Especially wth the full knowledge that it might not work out.

Hillfarmer · 12/12/2015 14:21

Hi Everyone - I'm not going to flame you, but god that sounds dreadful. It sounds so lonely, and even though you talk about valuing your own company it sounds as if you are putting yourself way down the pecking order.

And FWIW, I don't think you would be 'ripping' your children away from their Dad. You would be splitting up. He is doing nothing to merit being your life partner, in fact he is treating you badly. How is he working to make sure they understand what a good relationship is? How exactly is he working to keep the family emotionally happy and strong? I would suggest not at all. In fact he is deliberately undermining the family it by treating you like crap. So And so then you operate a relationship modelling process which is 'don't do as I do, do as I say'. They're going to be a little confused.

Yes, being a single parent isn't a way to demonstrate 'a good relationship', but it's a damn good way to demonstrate that you won't be treated like crap in your own home and that you are a valuable person who values herself, and stands up for herself accordingly.

I can see that what you are doing is 'an option', but it is a recipe for putting yourself endlessly last and is but a short step to martydom. Not a good role model if you have daughters, or sons for that matter.

Yes, it does sound like an awful situation. But don't let one stupid counsellor, who wrongly validated your husband, somehow dictate the rest of your life.

Joysmum · 12/12/2015 15:09

I'd rather be a martyr for a bit than leave before I was ready to realise there was no hope and forever live with that doubt. That's the process of being ready to give up.

Original poster
intheairthatnightfernando · 12/12/2015 16:01

I will not stay in a longterm crap relationship. Feel so sad hearing all these terrible stories people have had to live through. I'm six days in and it's too early for me to reach a conclusion. I'd rather ride through this for a few weeks and be sure of what I want. There's probably no point me updating any more until I start a new thread in the new year if it all goes further wrong.

OP posts:
dontcallmethatyoucunt · 12/12/2015 17:15

I'd rather be on my own than carry a deadweight man boy, or someone that does clearly enjoy my company and like me. Marriage is a team sport and if you don't like the game, fuck off.

OP, do what you must, but don't bend too much, if he really wants this he will join in.

Hillfarmer · 12/12/2015 17:15

Go carefully OP.

I totally understand the need to follow every avenue, climb every mountain etc etc. I did the same. I feel vindicated in a way, but it is still painful, looking back. You have to do what you think is right and behave in an ethical way, even if someone is not behaving ethically towards you. That's how I saw it. There is dignity in that. There is also something terribly sad about that. I was a good and faithful friend to my XH, and he trashed me. That still saddens me. But at least I know there was absolutely nothing more I could have done about it, because I surely tried everything.

Wishing you luck my dear.

Mydearchild · 12/12/2015 17:29

Good luck op I'm sure you'll know what's right X

Lilfroggi1 · 12/12/2015 23:11

I wrote something similar a couple of months ago I am still unsure in what is happening with myself and husband he did leave and is now twisting everything to be my fault I can't really see any way of saving our marriage really I did want to try and work on it but he has not made any effort at all but I just wanted to say goodluck with trying to save your relationship

Original poster
intheairthatnightfernando · 13/12/2015 17:28

No more updates till something significant happens but just wanted to let everyone who had contributed their thoughts and experiences to this thread know that I am reading it all over. I'm taking it all in, which I probably couldn't do on first read.

I'm not feeling particularly confident about a happy outcome - someone who is quite prepared to make you so miserable is unlikely to hold your keys to happiness - and I will keep reading and readying myself. This is such a time of flux - I change my mind multiple times in a day. Thanks for all the input.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 13/12/2015 18:16

It's so painful OP, but I'm sure I'm not the only one thinking of you and sending you warmest wishes.

magoria · 13/12/2015 18:21

We are always here just for a chat even if you have no 'update'.

We are not here for updates, just to help support you if/when you need it.

MsPavlichenko · 13/12/2015 18:29

Wishing you the best too. It is interesting that you say you will not update till something significant happens. Hopefully that isn't simply waiting on your DH to decide what he wants/needs. You don't have to leave, but you can set yourself some boundaries/dates for action. This could help you in feeling in control to some extent. It also lets him know that you are not simply up for hanging around for him. Actions mean so much more than words as someone said up thread. That goes for you as well as him. Showing him what you expect, and holding firm will hit home so much more than any letter/conversation.

Swipe left for the next trending thread