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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH doesn't know if he still wants to be with me.

382 replies

intheairthatnightfernando · 06/12/2015 22:45

In shock. Married 15 years, two kids 7 and 4. Shared friends. Always been very solid but have ups and downs, good phases and bad. So bicker. But always had each other's backs. Never doubted this was forever.

He has been off with me this last month. Snappy, irritated. Short with th children. Just not very nice. I have pulled him on it many times but he remains grumpy and disinterested.

Tonight I flipped and asked just what was going on. He says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, he isn't happy. He says no-one else and I believe him. He can't explain why, he says he doesn't like who he is now, so intolerant and grumpy.

I don't know what to do. We have young children and I assumed everyone was a bit out of love at this stage. I have never ever envisaged parting. He says he doesn't know what he wants and is very sad about it. I can't bear to think our family could dissolve. But do not want to this lying down. Am sleeping in with our dd tonight, could not go to our bedroom after this. He is now looking bereft saying he does love me but is unhappy.

OP posts:
Rosyglow74 · 11/12/2015 15:58

I truly believe that most women, finding themselves where you are right now, would be dealing with it the way you are. You have actually taken control, and it's clear from what you write that you are no push over. This will be transferring itself to your husband, which is all that's necessary right now. The way forward will become obvious over the next little while, and you are well prepared for whatever happens. To have LTB at this stage would have been throwing the baby out with the bath water. Respect to you.

Lweji · 11/12/2015 16:50

You have offered him a life line, which he probably took as weakness. But that is his problem, not seeing that you are not in fact clinging to every possible hope, but instead you are actually offering that hope to him.
He still seems to think he's in control and it will be his decision, though.

It reminds me of when I offered that hope to my exh. He said no, so we settled on another condition, in which he failed miserably. He had not seen it as the last scrap of opportunity he had.
I suspect, though, that you will have to close the door, as he's being non-committal. My feeling is that he is indeed expecting you to cave in and beg him to return.

mix56 · 11/12/2015 17:08

he hasn't even said it he wants to stay.....its in limbo. he's still not happy, he "might" try for counselling.....He may decide he wants to stay,
How long does OP accept his playing the martyr ?

NameChange30 · 11/12/2015 17:27

Some good advice and I agree with all of it apart from Rosyglow, sorry.
"I truly believe that most women, finding themselves where you are right now, would be dealing with it the way you are."
I disagree with this, I think that women are different (!) and wouldn't all react in the same way. We can respect the OP's right to deal with it how she wants while also acknowledging that others might deal with it differently.
I also disagree that to LTB would be to "throw the baby out with the bathwater". I think the baby is gone already (he threw it himself), but that's just my opinion of course!

Chucklecheeks · 11/12/2015 18:09

My STBXH kept telling me he was trying over the last six months whilst I bent myself backwards to accommodate his behaviour. I found out a few weeks ago that the whole time he was having an affair with a work colleague. The day I found out he moved straight in to her house.

He is the most judgmental and moralistic man you will ever meet but seems to be able to excuse his own behaviour because he and the OW deserve to be happy. No matter the cost to me and our children.

Please carry on protecting yourself, I wish I had listened to my gut instinct sooner. I even told him a month before he left that I felt to insecure, like he was absent and I even had the crazy idea he was having an affair.

He sat there and called me crazy, he would never do that, it's in my head. I need to try harder. A woman's best protection is going with her gut!

dontknowwhatcomesnext · 11/12/2015 18:28

Well, as I stuck around for OVER A YEAR while my husband decided whether he wanted to stay married to me (conveniently leaving out the fact that he was carrying on an affair), you certainly will get absolutely no judgement from me. You are streets ahead of where I was at the same time in my relationship. You're doing well, you're clued in and you will be on guard.

I also felt I needed to do every last thing I could and see it out, and that's why ultimately I think I needed to have absolute proof of what was going on. Those emails I saw are seared in my memory, but I wouldn't have it any other way, as it could not be minimised or gotten around. It is a tremendously difficult thing to end a long marriage, and of course you're going to want to be sure.

In the meantime, please take care of yourself and keep those boundaries in place. As I've written above, it may sometimes seem counterintuitive, but by enforcing boundaries and lines over which you will not cross, you will force him to see you and contemplate you as a separate person, which I strongly suspect he has completely stopped doing. It is only in doing that that you may just find some hope.

BathtimeFunkster · 11/12/2015 18:34

God, won't the world be better when women no longer feel the need to "know I gave it 100%" with a man who has never given more than 60% at his most loved up.

AnyFucker · 11/12/2015 18:36

Amen

BloodontheTracks · 11/12/2015 18:46

That's such a good point, Bathtime. I totally relate to OP and can see she's totally switched on. But your post did make ME think about the years of my life I spent regret-proofing the life I wasn't living.

sinber · 11/12/2015 19:02

Bathtime Now there's a thought.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 11/12/2015 19:10

He read the letter and it did not go as well as I had hoped. I had hoped for a lightbulb moment

I'm not berating you for writing a letter. But people don't get lightbulb moments until they physically see and feel a loss. So the letter doesn't feel scary, because it took you a lot of time to write (= investment), and you're actually still in the house (= staying). He honestly won't feel scared in any way.

When he WILL feel scared is when you calmly and sensibly pack his things and book him a cab. It'll honestly take something that concrete for him to even realise you're slightly miffed. :-)

AnyFucker · 11/12/2015 19:12

Regret-proofing the life I wasn't living

Whoa, deep stuff. And so true.

I hope you are still reading, op. Not to change your mind at this juncture, but to be extra sure you know exactly what you are doing, no punches pulled

He isn't being honest with you. The best gift you can give yourself is to be honest with you.

Original poster
intheairthatnightfernando · 11/12/2015 19:38

I am still reading. But I've explained what I feel I have to do. I did expect people would feel impatient with me and they are.

I am not saying I think things will be fine. I am feeling the need to go through this stage. Otherwise it will all be happening too quickly and I will not feel confident in my actions.

Thank you very much for inputting. It's not that I don't appreciate it - but I have explained that this is a stage that is necessary to me. Not to him, to me. I am not doing it for him, I am doing it for me.

OP posts:
misskeyboardwarrior · 11/12/2015 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BloodontheTracks · 11/12/2015 20:28

I'm sorry, OP. I'm not impatient with you at all, for my tuppence, I think you're dong great. I was talking about me.

BloodontheTracks · 11/12/2015 20:29

doing. Also dong great if that works for you.

AnyFucker · 11/12/2015 20:32

Don't be disgruntled op. We are talking generally now. Many of us have learned things the hard way. You will too.

Original poster
intheairthatnightfernando · 11/12/2015 21:13

Sadly you are very likely right!

OP posts:
Chucklecheeks · 11/12/2015 21:17

You have to do what's right for you, good luck xxx

LetGoOrBeDragged · 11/12/2015 21:25

Definitely not impatient with you. Just saying what we think you need to look out for.

AnyFucker · 11/12/2015 21:28

hey, my patience is endless

for calling out crap male behaviour

I've made a hobby of it Xmas Wink

NameChange30 · 11/12/2015 23:06

Bathtime
"God, won't the world be better when women no longer feel the need to "know I gave it 100%" with a man who has never given more than 60% at his most loved up."
A-fucking-men.

AnyFucker
Excellent hobby Grin

High fives all round really.

LionHeartedWoman · 11/12/2015 23:14

(And for this, Anyfucker, I admire you. It needs to be done.).

Bedsheets4knickers · 11/12/2015 23:19

Their is someone else

Sunbeam18 · 11/12/2015 23:38

That's a horrible thing to write, especially at this time of night, Bedsheets. I don't think there is anyone else.