DH doesn't know if he still wants to be with me.

[intheairthatnightfernando]

In shock. Married 15 years, two kids 7 and 4. Shared friends. Always been very solid but have ups and downs, good phases and bad. So bicker. But always had each other's backs. Never doubted this was forever.

He has been off with me this last month. Snappy, irritated. Short with th children. Just not very nice. I have pulled him on it many times but he remains grumpy and disinterested.

Tonight I flipped and asked just what was going on. He says he doesn't know if he wants to be with me, he isn't happy. He says no-one else and I believe him. He can't explain why, he says he doesn't like who he is now, so intolerant and grumpy.

I don't know what to do. We have young children and I assumed everyone was a bit out of love at this stage. I have never ever envisaged parting. He says he doesn't know what he wants and is very sad about it. I can't bear to think our family could dissolve. But do not want to this lying down. Am sleeping in with our dd tonight, could not go to our bedroom after this. He is now looking bereft saying he does love me but is unhappy.

Agree with Ledkr I still appreciate being able to enjoy the dc in that very simple, straightforward way without the undercurrent of misery/tension provided by stbxh - 2.5 years on. In fact in the early days after kicking him out we had living room discos - just because.

Really Jessica? Reported

Fuck me!
sorry OP but the spam?

KOKO

Your last post resonates with me, OP. DH I think felt that the kids and I were (are) "a strong three". He worked (works) long hours and felt himself sidelined a bit. When it came down to it, he was happy with the relationship that he had with the kids, felt it was good (which it was), he didn't want to change it, but was aware that my relationship with them was different, more aware of their needs, maybe stronger. Obviously his relationship with them is much more distant now he lives in another house!

We also always got on really well on wine and chat nights. And I am also a much more positive person than him. He was depressed for a couple of years before he went. At the end of it he blamed it on me and our marriage, but not at the beginning. Maybe he did at the beginning and hid it from me and from himself, it's all so messy I will never know.

Now he has nothing from before except the (big, very high paying) job. Just goes out with "friends" from work and lives on his own. Really sad to see and I am still fond of him, just think he's been really foolish. Couldn't have him back though, too much water under the bridge. And day to day it doesn't make too much difference as I am like you very capable and organised. It's just hard when I'm planning Christmas and holidays really.

Wow Prof that does sound so similar. It is so hard to go through.

I don't think any of you are going to be massively impressed with ME but here goes. Maintained cheery and bright yesterdat daytime. But then I wrote him a letter to clarify all my feelings. I was honest about where I saw his unhappiness stemming from (not specifically our relationship but the whole make-up of his life and how he chooses to spend it). The door was left open for reconciliation in the letter, if he would acknowledge and commit to fixing things.

I know most posters who hsve offered advice will not be impressed with this. It's not that I am not listening. I just can't follow that line of advice until I feel that is the only way forward. So far there is not evidence of someone else. So far all that has concretely happened is he has said he is unhappy and not committed to staying with us. This is devastating. But it's not an immediate LTB after 20 years.

He read the letter and it did not go as well as I had hoped. I had hoped for a lightbulb moment of, what am I risking. What I do have now is him saying he will try. That we will try to find a way forward for us and for our family. I can't lie and say things look hopeful. They don't look great to be honest. But I need to know in my head if we end up separating that I have tried to rescue this. This is out of the blue and I cannot imagine where to begin as regards forgiving but we need to move past the stage of desperate unhappiness. I want to give it a chance. Whether he truly wants to give it a chance will become clear over the next week or so. I can't get him to go to Relate before christmas as he wants things to calm down before doing this but I am hopeful we will go once the pressure of christmas is over and longer term strategies and decisions will have to be made.

Please don't jump on me and berate me. I know I am not following the advice of the majority. But i can't lose view of the fact that while he has voiced doubt (and shown lack of commitment absolutely), he has not yet been proven in any sense to have carried out an infidelity. He has gone about this cruelly and wrongly and I am reeling from it, but I cannot insist on our marriage terminating till I know we have both tried to save it. Whether he will try hard enough remains to be seen.

Good luck

You have to do this your own way, of course.

I think you've hit the nail on the head OP.

You need to go through the whole process for your own peace of mind knowing the issues are his and you've given it all you can.

Get your duck in a line, give yourself choices and have the knowledge and power to move on when you are ready to.

It's very easy to advise from the sidelines when we're not emotionally involved so although I am doubtful it's the right decision long term, you've only had a week since he dropped this bombshell on you. For now you need to do what you have to do so you can live with yourself whatever the eventual outcome is.

I wish you all the best x

"So far there is not evidence of someone else"

Have you looked for it though? I don't remember reading anything saying you had. Maybe you haven't looked because you don't want to find anything?

I'm not insisting that he has cheated, I just want to be as sure as possible that he hasn't before trying to fix things.

I'm also not too impressed with this:
"I can't get him to go to Relate before Christmas ... but I am hopeful we will go"
This is not good enough. If he really wants to fix things he would be agreeing to go straight away, or at the very least agreeing to definitely go after Christmas.
Bear in mind that with Relate you usually have an initial meeting to assess the situation and then you're put on a waiting list to start the actual counselling. So there would be nothing to stop you having an assessment ASAP and getting on the waiting list.

Except if his heart isn't really in it...

Thank you for continuing kindness and support.
This thread is a huge support to me. I am not being blind and foolish. I am well aware I have to prepare myself for this going wrong. I will continue my Independence Planning. If I was reading this I would doubtless be advising that this does not look good. I just have to hold myself COMPLETELY unaccountable and if I have tried and he has failed I'll be much more at peace with that.
My friends are being amazing. Just amazing. Wine night in front of the fire with a best bud last night was just what was needed. While he was home minding the children knowing we were discussing him!!!

I know most posters who have offered advice will not be impressed with this.

I'm not unimpressed. I did pretty much the same. For me it wasn't so much that I had to try every option, but that for a couple of weeks I tried everything because I just couldn't come to terms with what was happening. (Same old story - reliable man that nobody could believe was behaving like this).

You absolutely have to make your own choices. You will be very up and down for a while. Id go from ecstatic to devastated in minutes, it's all part of the process.
I have to say Id love to be Inside his co fused little head right now as he figures out your reactions.
My exh was bloody furious when he realised that it wasn't all about him and his woman and I might actually survive without him and have a life too.
Hilarious

You do what you have to do OP, don't apologise for that. See it through. You will always have support. And do lean on your friends.

Thank you so much.
I'm going to keep this username now. I changed it so this wasn't connected to my mn identity but I've had more support on this thread than I've ever had so this can be the new mn me.
Off to enjoy my 4 year old boy!

You have to do your own thing. I prevaricated and got confused and mixed messages and was soooooo unsure I was doing the right thing. I had mumsnet telling me one thing, him another, friends other things and goodness knows what else. It is such a confusing time.

There were some people on mn who predicted the final outcome for me but I hoped and hoped things would fall differently to the way they did. Eventually something happened which enabled me to make a decision despite everything which had gone before.

If I hadn't tried my very hardest though I know I would always have looked back and wondered what if.

You do what you have to do, keep your head screwed on and hoping he comes to his senses.

Xx

Who could berate you?

It's him who needs berating for treating such a wonderful woman in such a cavalier fashion.

Keep on keeping on.

It is much better to take time and work things out and communicate. I was married 20 years. The divorce was my decision and I am very pleased about it but it must have come like a bolt from the blue to him and I was very aware of that impact.

I have a friend who suddenly told his partner he didn't envisage being with her long term. What a cruel thing to say to someone with whom you have small children. I felt like telling him to hit his head against a wall instead. What is she supposed to think about that news? Either he should have shut up or else take a decision to divorce.

I am not being blind and foolish.

Aww, pet nobody thinks you are.

You've been very clear sighted and determined so far.

And even if you hadn't, we'd still support you.

You have to do this your way. Things people here say will resonate and others will be unhelpful.

Just take what you need and know the support is there. :)

You are completely right to want to see if this is fixable.
Do you know what does he mean by, "he wants things to calm down" ? It has all been very civil, he said he isn't committed, & you sent him to sleep in the bunk.
What needs to calm down ? You having him back in the bedroom & pasting over the cracks until January? I agree with Emma, make an appointment & tell him, the sooner this is settled, the "calmer" it will be.

My only advice now is to judge him by how he behaves. If you see him making a genuine effort in the relationship then all well and good. What I would say, is don't be the one propping him up and keeping his life ticking over nicely, while he goes about finding himself addressing his life issues, or some such bollocks. His happiness is not your responsibility to fix, so don't get sidetracked into thinking this is what you do in order to have given it your best shot.

I wish you luck and hope that things turn out as you want. I would still do some quiet investigating and would use this time to get my ducks in a row financially etc. No harm in being prepared for all eventualities.

I think that if his heart is in it, he will do everything to put it right - refusal to seek counselling now, when you want to, is not doing everything imo.

I was surprisingly desperate to make it work for a few weeks. I even did the mortifying pick me dance.
I'm glad really because at least I know I gave it a chance.
Nobody knows how they would react untill it happens to them.
I'm a right bolshy old cow but when your life looks set to change overnight after many years, it's a strong person who can just haughtily walk away without a second glance.

I'm not going to berate you. My marriage was saved through counseling (although DH & my problems were very different from yours). The right counselor can work wonders.

However, as Yoda says; "Do or do not. There is no try". It's not enough that your DH says he will 'try'. My DH had to commit 100% to changing himself, not 'trying to change'. To say one will 'try' is to automatically give yourself an 'out' or a way to make failure to change acceptable, that you 'can't change'.

My DH was also not given an option to 'wait until things settle down'. It was we go to counseling now or we don't go at all & the marriage is over. 'Wait until things settle' is code for 'let me get my defensive ducks in a row' or 'I won't have to go to counseling if I can just put it off long enough'. When things 'settle down' he'll say "See, things are fine, we don't need counseling".

Just try to see the broader picture of what he may feel he has to 'lose' by committing to change. And what he has to 'gain' by keeping things at the status quo.

Yes the "i'll try" translates into, "I'm not convinced I want to"

Good luck, OP. I echo a former poster who says note his actions not words. although the thing with him is he doesn't even seem to put much spin on the words even!

As you know, I'm sure the not wanting to start counselling yet is about buying time to make 'his' decision before committing to any exposing and long-term plan. It is also absolutely abominable and shameful in my opinion.

Two thoughts, 1. Have a bottom line. Write it down. What will you put up with? What will not accept? Think carefully about it because we often make sweeping statements we don't mean. Then stick to it. That's your sense of self and self-worth. That's what you will stand for and fight for. When we find ourselves crashing through our bottom lines over and over again we begin to lose our selves and often sanity. So have a bottom line.

1. I also am put in mind of a poster from a long time ago here called whenwillifeelnormal who had a brilliant adage that is always worth remembering. Despite protestation about needs etc, people who have affairs are not the ones getting least from the relationship, they are almost almost the ones GIVING least to the relationship. We naturally value something more the more we invest in it. The less we invest in it, the less we value it, the less we invest etc etc. Think about who gives to the relationship.

All the best.