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Original poster

I think she going to leave for her ex

439 replies

pirate13 · 03/12/2015 17:43

My wife and i have been together for 3 years married almost 2
she has 2 children, 3 and 6, and i have one, 6 also

our relationship started great but lately all we seem to do is argue about stupid things.
The two 6 year old fight alot, moneys tight etc

the other night, the day after another stupid row, we were watching telly and i knew something was up, so in the morning i looked at her phone ( i know, silly thing to do) and found that she was texting her ex things like, "you are the only one that really knows me" and "it should be you bathing the kids" to which he replied that they should "wait and see what happens"
(She had had a few drinks that evening) I think its the first time shes ever spoken like this to him but i cant be sure.

I got really upset and had to say something, so i did, and she just started shouting about me being insecure and that she was thinking of giving it another go with him, but wasn't sure?

last night when she was at work her eldest told me he was going to miss me and his friends as they were moving back to daddy's but it was a secret

i asked her last night what was going on and she said she is going to leave after Christmas, this hurt A LOT, but i kept my cool and just said if that's what she wants then that was that.

She slept in our bed (odd i thought) and this morning she is her usual self, chatting about a birthday party we are doing at the weekend, her eldests which the ex will be attending!

I REALLY don't want them to leave, i love the kids and her so much, i know i am not perfect but i am willing to do whatever it takes to keep them and build a better marriage but i think it may be too late. But like my friend says, shes not gone yet and why wait till after Christmas, why does she not want to spend it with him and the kids?

I know women are very good at detaching themselves from a relationship even when still living together, but is there anything i can do to change her mind, i'm just trying to play it cool at the moment, act normal, be nice, in the hope that she realizes what she may be losing.

OP posts:
ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 04/12/2015 10:54

It's not an easy dig Hmm

You know when people advise people to slow down their relationships when they have kids? This is why. If they had waited a lot longer these issues may have come to light sooner and the three kids wouldn't have been put in this position in the first place.
I'm sorry he's sad and break ups are awful but it could be a lot worse for the kids than the adults and since op isn't acknowledging what I (and others) are saying about this I'm banging on. They had no choice - these two adults moved three children into a home together 2 months - 8 weeks - after they started dating. Now the kids are paying for it. I do think that's really awful parenting.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 04/12/2015 10:55

And op - obviously, she was testing the water with ex and as he doesn't seem to be on board she's now trying to pretend that everything is normal with you. Don't stand for it.

FellOffMyUnicorn · 04/12/2015 11:03

"it wasn't without reservations that i allowed her to move in, but she lives 2.5hrs away and had no support here, no money to get herself a place so it seemed right that she move in, there was no way she could afford her own place."

bjrce · 04/12/2015 11:03

OPI.

"She has cheated in the past?". For Gods sake grow a backbone. She's not leaving for her ex. She has someone else lined up and the reason she is not leaving before Christmas is because whoever she's with doesn't want her. Why was she in such bad form last night?
Because, she alerted whomever and they still don't want to take her. She has no respect for you what so ever. She's disgusting. If its your home. I would pack her a bag. phone tell her to take herself and her kids off to her ex or whoever she's currently with and lock your door.
There's no need for a big confrontation. You sound like you are afraid of her or her temper. Have a bit of dignity. What are you going to do put up with this crap all over Christmas and wait till she realizes her ex actually doesn't even want them. You will have the living of a dog with her. With her threats of leaving and anger towards you. There's no love there.

SanityClause · 04/12/2015 11:05

You do know that under the children act, you can apply for contact with her children, even if you are not biologically related, because they have lived with you for so long.

So, although you will probably not be able to live with them, you will still be able to have contact.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 04/12/2015 11:06

So the op has a rescue complex and fell for a sob story. Doesn't make his decision any better.

Happyinthehills · 04/12/2015 11:27

Obsidian -!It doesn't make his decision any better but that's in the past and he's looking for help now.

Original poster
pirate13 · 04/12/2015 12:28

bjrce your right i am a littlle afraid of her temper, shes shown in the past that she can have an aggressive side (only to me, not the kids i hasten to add) so yeah i prob am delaying a little

SanityClause, thank you i didnt know that, i will definitely look into it, i hope she will let me see them even if its only occasionally

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 04/12/2015 12:45

I have to find out what she wants. She's sending so many mixed signals today.
I know it's stupid but part of me would still like to see us work out. Bit the rational side knows that that probably isn't possible now. Sad

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 04/12/2015 12:50

She is not sending mixed signals, she is keeping you sweet because you are useful to her. Her actions are making clear that she doesn't love or respect you.

Sorry Sad

shoeaddict83 · 04/12/2015 12:57

Sorry Pirate but it shouldnt matter what she wants - she has shown a clear disrespect for you and the children involved so why are you pandering to her feelings? She is using you as second best until something better comes along - and youre letting her! If she doesnt leave this time what about the next time she has a change of heart and wants to go again? You cant let her yo-yo your feelings like this.

believe me i know its hard, but you need to do it to protect yourself, your own heart and your self respect. She clearly has none and is using you til she has something else lined up.
She may have a temper but if it gets too bad call the police, show her you are not going to stand for this anymore, if you do grow a backbone (so to speak) it will show her she cannot treat you this way. Sorry but i agree with all of the others saying kick her to the kerb. As hard as it will be it will be so much better for you in the long run and you will find someone worthy of your love - its just not her.

Arfarfanarf · 04/12/2015 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pirate13 · 04/12/2015 14:02

Thanks shoeaddict83.
I know what I have to do but it's not easy. What with the sons birthday and party (which the ex is attending) in the next few days. I don't want to make it any harder on him.

But I'm sitting opposite her now, I want to say something but don't know what to say. The 3yo is here so I can't really. I'm almost shaking.

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 04/12/2015 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pirate13 · 04/12/2015 14:45

i honestly feel, given her past behavior when she threatened to leave, or more precisely, wanted me to leave, that she is startling to back down.

But i cant go through this any more, not knowing if/when she is going to leave, but she told her son for gods sake, she must surely have meant it??

OP posts:
YellowTulips · 04/12/2015 14:45

What about writing her a letter?

Tell her that you want her to leave and you will not be treated this way any longer.

You might actually find that an easier way to get the ball rolling than speaking to her.....and you can do it whilst the kids are there.

You can say you don't want to row in front of the children so you would ask that she also respond in writing so that you can start planning the practicalities of the separation before Christmas.

YellowTulips · 04/12/2015 14:51

Also remember part of the reason she "threatens" this is because you have been so passive in your response. She can have her "tantrum" and there are no consequences - you just take her back.

If you have any future at all you do actually have to stop this cycle by saying "you wanted to go - no get on with it". If she changes her mind then the next question is "why should should I want to be with someone who consistently makes me unhappy, drags the children into her drama and who thinks running away and infidelity are appropriate actions in a relationship?".

You need to stop her calling the shots - its no longer about her deciding to play you and her ex off against each other - its about what you want - and right now that should be out of the house, where she wanted to be so she face the consequences of her actions.

She sounds very immature and self centered to me. Personally I think a few weeks away from her would be good for you and give you a much better perceptive on how you really feel about her.

YellowTulips · 04/12/2015 14:59

perspective - not perceptive - sorry....

Skang · 04/12/2015 15:39

It sounds like the ex is busy over Christmas or hasn't actually agreed to her moving in with him. Either way, you need shot of her. She is using you.

Original poster
pirate13 · 04/12/2015 16:17

Skang yeah that's what I think. He's either not ready. Or changed his mind. I wouldn't blame him!

YellowTulips. Maybe I should send her a link to this thread. See what happens!

OP posts:
NotNowBono · 04/12/2015 16:35

No, this is the whole point - don't show her this thread, you've got to have it out with her. Yourself. In whatever form you're comfortable with, but if you don't tell her, and mean it, that you won't be treated with such callousness and cruelty, she's going to carry on indefinitely, and your self-esteem will be destroyed.

Original poster
pirate13 · 04/12/2015 16:41

Fair point. Is a stupid idea.

OP posts:
NotNowBono · 04/12/2015 16:47

It's not a stupid idea, and I can see exactly why it would make a hard conversation easier - if a bunch of internet strangers do it for you! - but the heart of the problem is that she's behaving so badly because you're effectively letting her by not calling her on it yourself. You've got to find your voice in this.

She crossed a line when she told her DS to keep a secret like that from you - before Christmas and his birthday. That is a foul thing to do to a little boy; doesn't it demonstrate how little she considers anyone else's feelings, so long as she's getting what she wants? Pack her bags, let her go, and change the locks. Seriously. I feel intensely sorry for the kids, and don't doubt she'll use them as a reason to stay when lover boy gives her the bad news, but you have a stake in this situation too. Read up on some of the divorce threads here, for a start...

Original poster
pirate13 · 04/12/2015 16:50

I feel so hurt. I married her. I loved her. I gave her kids a good life and now this. It seems so bloody unfair.
Feels like my world has been turned upside down in the space of a week. Sad

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 04/12/2015 16:53

Maybe I should send her a link to this thread. See what happens!

Op - you could do that ^^ or there again you could stop acting like a fourteen year old. Stand up and start to take control of your life. Tell the tramp its over. Not over next day, not week or next year, but over now, today. Tell her to make arrangements to be gone by the end of the weekend. When the locks will be changed.

She doesn't want you, she just needs somewhere to hang, until she Is ready to leave, or a better option is found. Stop dancing to her tune.

Stop this silly "if I say nothing all will be well" game you are playing, or else she will continue to play you. But at least for our sake recognise that's what you are doing.

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