I think she going to leave for her ex

[pirate13]

My wife and i have been together for 3 years married almost 2
she has 2 children, 3 and 6, and i have one, 6 also

our relationship started great but lately all we seem to do is argue about stupid things.
The two 6 year old fight alot, moneys tight etc

the other night, the day after another stupid row, we were watching telly and i knew something was up, so in the morning i looked at her phone ( i know, silly thing to do) and found that she was texting her ex things like, "you are the only one that really knows me" and "it should be you bathing the kids" to which he replied that they should "wait and see what happens"
(She had had a few drinks that evening) I think its the first time shes ever spoken like this to him but i cant be sure.

I got really upset and had to say something, so i did, and she just started shouting about me being insecure and that she was thinking of giving it another go with him, but wasn't sure?

last night when she was at work her eldest told me he was going to miss me and his friends as they were moving back to daddy's but it was a secret

i asked her last night what was going on and she said she is going to leave after Christmas, this hurt A LOT, but i kept my cool and just said if that's what she wants then that was that.

She slept in our bed (odd i thought) and this morning she is her usual self, chatting about a birthday party we are doing at the weekend, her eldests which the ex will be attending!

I REALLY don't want them to leave, i love the kids and her so much, i know i am not perfect but i am willing to do whatever it takes to keep them and build a better marriage but i think it may be too late. But like my friend says, shes not gone yet and why wait till after Christmas, why does she not want to spend it with him and the kids?

I know women are very good at detaching themselves from a relationship even when still living together, but is there anything i can do to change her mind, i'm just trying to play it cool at the moment, act normal, be nice, in the hope that she realizes what she may be losing.

Omg. l really dont get this woman. Last night she went to see a mate. Text me later to see if I'd eaten. I said no so she bought back a curry for us.
This morning she asked if I could give her a hand taking stuff to the tip. I said I could as long as it was early as I wanted to go shopping. Then she decided to go for breakfast with her freind so I went out. Got home quite a while later and I think she had been drinking (no kids. They are with their dad) and she was shut in her room listening to music, full blast.
I don't know what to do. I can't live like this. One minute I think that, yeah I can do this, It won't be forever. The next she's being really odd.

I already know what your gonna say. She's f*cking with me. I know. But what I don't get is why?

Hi and Happy New Year ( it will get better I swear, but you are going to have to be brave and man up a bit more)

She is stalling and playing for time and hoping to make you angry and that you will hit her and she will claim domestic abuse and get a barring order against you. Even the moving into the children's room will be churned out as I was afraid of him and had to sleep with my children for protection.. The fact you haven't told your solicitor she has assaulted you and emotionally abused you is looking bad for you. I know you are trying to protect her still but think about yourself ffs.. She is trying to take your home, your sons home, your fathers safety and welfare and throwing them out with the bath water and making you homeless..

Did you have the house prior to marrying her? Get your landlord to email that to you, Change ALL your passwords and pin numbers to everything, get your post sent to your fathers house ( for which she doesn't have a key I hope)
Go back to your solicitor and get a barring order on the grounds of her being verbally, emotionally and physically abusive.. Tell her you will report her to children's welfare if she doesn't leave, and to her ex h and he can claim custody of the kids..
She is a typical bully, shouting you down, and hoping you will sink back into your hole and shiver there...which you are..How hard would it have been to change the locks xmas day? Or today while she was out and the kids had somewhere to stay?
If you dont do something soon, she will and it will be you on the streets

Wishing you all the best, its very hard, but man up once and maybe record her screaming at you, phone in your pocket on record will do it...That's all it will take to get her gone, offer to give it to her ex h and that hopefully will see her packing her bags and leaving you in peace. Just remember these bullies go for a certain kind of person, one they can walk all over..You have already missed seeing your son over xmas, why aren't you furious about that?

Because she's an abusive shit. They thrive on fucking with your mind.
You keep detaching and try your best to ignore her.
I really hope you have a better 2016 and it all gets sorted out.

Pretty much every time you post its to say you don't understand why she behaves like this towards you. She does it because she gets a buzz from asserting herself over you. That's the reason.

I seriously hope you can get the motivation to take away her power over you and get her out of your life. It's only with her out of your life so that when the right person comes along, you'll be able free and have eyes open to see her. You're wasting you life on this one.

The intention may be as simple as keeping you entirely focused on her, on why she does it, on what she's thinking, on how you can avoid another outburst. It's very common on these threads for the abused spouse to waste a good percentage of their waking life trying to figure out what makes the abuser behave abusively. Ultimately it doesn't matter. You are separating once Christmas is done (I'm unclear why she can't move out sooner if the kids are at their dad's). The sooner you can become indifferent to her, the better.

Has she given you a date when she's going to move out, or just 'in the new year'? I would start pushing her to confirm a date, perhaps saying you want to redecorate the spare room for your ds to use. Or even make noises about moving your dad in since it makes sense to combine the two households and save on rent. That should get her out like a shot.

hellsbellsmelons. I'm trying the best to detach that I know how at the moment. When she's in I go out. I go to bed really early!
When she shut herself in the bedroom I really thought it was pathetic. Like a 40yo teenager sulking!

tribpot. I completely agree with your statement about worrying why she does these things, I still now worry about coming home too late etc.
As for moving. She just says "in the new year" I have tried again but she said she can't do anything at the moment as it's the holidays. I have spoken to my dad again. He's really unsure about me moving in with him with the carers and all. I guess if it comes to it ill have to, as other posters have suggested, give up the lease on here, have a word with the LL and see if I can re take it after she's gone. Or just find somewhere else. I sincerely hope she keeps her word and leaves, but Tbh I can't see it

Did the message from the landlord say when they were back?

She named another town she was going to move to in the new year, that seems quite specific. However, I suspect that she will view it as easier to move the dc's school during the Easter hols or - god forbid - the summer.

Next Monday I think you ask her for an indication of her timescales, saying you want your ds' room ready for February half term.

I don't think she will go without a fight, in which case you either threaten to move your dad in (does he rent as well? Has his house got adaptations in?) or give notice on the house. Have a word with the landlord - there will be additional expense for them in re-signing you as a tenant but you could offer to make up their costs.

My landlord are back on the 6th of Jan. I've already said that I need to see them.
She hasn't named the other town. Just said not this one. This is an expensive area to be fair so it would be cheaper for her to go somewhere else. But like you say I can't see her moving schools mid term but she might. Her son is only 6 and daughter hasn't even started yet.

Dad's house is full of adaptations. Grab rails. Special toilet, bath bed etc. And he owns it.

Okay so threat of moving him in not viable, threat of moving out to him definitely plausible, with agreement with landlord that you will immediately move back in once she's gone. Can you get the ball rolling on the divorce on 4th Jan?

Not long till your LL is back then. I'm a LL and I've ended a tenancy before due to a relationship breakup and the person whom the credit checks were based on has wanted to stay on when the other couldn't afford to and I start a new tenancy from that point with all the work of new deposit scheme, tenancy agreement (min 6 months again) updated inventory etc.

I've served a section 21 to coincide with when the tenant wished the new agreement to start. No guarantee of possession (it's a notice of possession required but would need to go to court to be enforced) but just something to tie up everyone's intentions.

Pirate sorry it's so miserable at the moment. Hang in there until your LL gets back. Could you contact a couple of other friends/relatives and see if you could spend a few nights on their settee in the event that your LL has to officially end your tenancy? I think you said your sister was supportive, would you be able to stay with her for a week or so? Might be easier than trying to squeeze in at your dad's. Does your dad have an overnight carer?

No he has carers 3 times a day.

Thanks Joysmum. Is good to know that it is possible. I mention to my LL what you said.
My sister is down at the moment. Had a good chat yesterday which was really nice.
She lives in London so can't stay there because of my work and dad etc.

I asked her this morning of she had talked to her ex about him helping her find the money to move, she said "he won't give me anything" which I thought was a little odd as she's always said that he would help because of the kids. The more I ask the less confident I am that she is planning on going anywhere.

hi Pirate and Happy New year!
just wondered how you were doing and if anything changed over new year? Are you any closer to being able to get her out and to move on with things?