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Original poster

I think she going to leave for her ex

439 replies

pirate13 · 03/12/2015 17:43

My wife and i have been together for 3 years married almost 2
she has 2 children, 3 and 6, and i have one, 6 also

our relationship started great but lately all we seem to do is argue about stupid things.
The two 6 year old fight alot, moneys tight etc

the other night, the day after another stupid row, we were watching telly and i knew something was up, so in the morning i looked at her phone ( i know, silly thing to do) and found that she was texting her ex things like, "you are the only one that really knows me" and "it should be you bathing the kids" to which he replied that they should "wait and see what happens"
(She had had a few drinks that evening) I think its the first time shes ever spoken like this to him but i cant be sure.

I got really upset and had to say something, so i did, and she just started shouting about me being insecure and that she was thinking of giving it another go with him, but wasn't sure?

last night when she was at work her eldest told me he was going to miss me and his friends as they were moving back to daddy's but it was a secret

i asked her last night what was going on and she said she is going to leave after Christmas, this hurt A LOT, but i kept my cool and just said if that's what she wants then that was that.

She slept in our bed (odd i thought) and this morning she is her usual self, chatting about a birthday party we are doing at the weekend, her eldests which the ex will be attending!

I REALLY don't want them to leave, i love the kids and her so much, i know i am not perfect but i am willing to do whatever it takes to keep them and build a better marriage but i think it may be too late. But like my friend says, shes not gone yet and why wait till after Christmas, why does she not want to spend it with him and the kids?

I know women are very good at detaching themselves from a relationship even when still living together, but is there anything i can do to change her mind, i'm just trying to play it cool at the moment, act normal, be nice, in the hope that she realizes what she may be losing.

OP posts:
UptownFunk00 · 04/12/2015 08:00

She kicked you out of your bed? This woman sounds emotionally abusive. I hope she's not bad tempered with her kids!

I hope you can talk today. I do sympathise.

Original poster
pirate13 · 04/12/2015 08:11

she didnt kick me out just slept next to me.

she was talking this morning about putting the xmas decs up on sunday, she acts like everything in normal, its so weird, i really wanted to talk to her this morning but there no way when the kids are around.

I hate this so much, i'm pacing around at work like a caged animal, cant eat properly, feel sick to my stomach Sad

OP posts:
SSargassoSea · 04/12/2015 08:20

I feel for your and her DCs.

You need to prepare your DS for the upcoming changes - or do you want it to be a big surprise come boxing day or whatever.

She gets to play act for a few weeks then does as she wants? Poor DCs. What a shock for them. Mind you with you pacing around they must wonder what the hell is going on.

toastyarmadillo · 04/12/2015 08:22

Just get it over with, she needs to leave, dragging it out like this is confusing for the kids and quite frankly downright cruel!

FellOffMyUnicorn · 04/12/2015 08:27

Jeez ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight, give the guy a break - he's here because his relationship is dying, not so you can have an easy dig at him.

You had no idea of the background, and when pirate explained "it wasn't without reservations that i allowed her to move in, but she lives 2.5hrs away and had no support here, no money to get herself a place so it seemed right that she move in, there was no way she could afford her own place." you continue to dig at him

FellOffMyUnicorn · 04/12/2015 08:28

to Pirate though, I would ask her to leave, whether or not shes in a bad mood (isnt that a classic avoidance technique?)

Northernnights · 04/12/2015 08:40

Oh Pirate, you seem very stressed. This situation isn't doing your health any good at all.
Think of her as a bad tooth. It may be an ordeal to sort it out but the long term benefit will be enormous.
She is being very very cruel. To you and to the children. I think you will be happier and better without this heartless woman in your life.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/12/2015 10:03

Others have said it all really.
Stop being so soft and tell her to get out.
Then get some counselling to find out why you are happy to put up with being treated like a doormat.
It's not attractive at all.
You are worth so much more. Start to believe it and start to get your life back on track.

RedMapleLeaf · 04/12/2015 10:11

Stop being so soft and tell her to get out.
Then get some counselling to find out why you are happy to put up with being treated like a doormat.

Do you not think it sounds as though his self-worth has been eroded by the abusive behaviour of his partner?

NotNowBono · 04/12/2015 10:17

Another one saying you need to have it out with her, whether she goes or stays. The worst thing that could happen is that her ex decides, after Xmas, that he doesn't actually want her back, and - lo and behold, she decides she'll give things another go without ever referring to it again, and you'll be left nursing this horrible betrayal like a boil.

She's being cruel and selfish, in the guise of not ruining Christmas for the kids. Meanwhile her poor DS is living with the knowledge that you're going to be terribly unhappy after Christmas when they move back to their dad's - what a shit burden for a little boy to be bearing, at this time of year.

Original poster
pirate13 · 04/12/2015 10:23

I know. The thing is its her sons birthday on Monday and I really don't want to spoil it for him but neither do I want to stay in the crap place I'm in now. I'm so confused with emotions right now o don't know which way is up Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 04/12/2015 10:26

I can't handle her acting all normal knowing that she said she is leaving. She's just text me saying shes got me my favourite thing for lunch! Wtf is that all about?

OP posts:
Lweji · 04/12/2015 10:27

She is trying to win you back. Until the next wobble...

maccax · 04/12/2015 10:27

Mate,
Go to relate or similar, on your own.
I did.
They can really help.....
Remember. She's finished it already, you're just swimming in the mess left behind.

Lweji · 04/12/2015 10:28

Could you text her asking her why bother with your lunch thing?

NotNowBono · 04/12/2015 10:30

I wish there was a really easy answer to all this, but the fact that her DS already knows something bad's going to happen means it's going to be shit any way you cut it - arguably the longer it goes on, and he feels he's keeping a grown-up's secret, the worse it'll be.

Can you speak to her alone at the weekend and tell her to get a plan in place to move out by Christmas, while making her DS's birthday as good/normal as possible under the circumstances? There's no point pretending nothing's going on - she's let that cat out of the bag herself - and a Christmas in your house, with you miserable, her all smug, and the kids upset because they don't know whether to play with their presents or pack them up is going to be horrendous.

NotNowBono · 04/12/2015 10:32

She's got you your favourite thing for lunch because in her head, she's done the Bad Thing, ie, told you she's leaving, and now her conscience is clear, and she's 'being nice', since you've been so sweet and not kicked off.

Please kick off.

Original poster
pirate13 · 04/12/2015 10:33

i'm going to have to, I cannot, and will not, live like this any more.

Its got to be sorted one way or another.

OP posts:
Lweji · 04/12/2015 10:34

The following weekend would be a good time to move out. After the boy's birthday and before Christmas.
Although you do have to wonder why she doesn't want him to spend his birthday at his father's.

DoorToTheRiver · 04/12/2015 10:34

You got together when her kid was 4 months, had she split up from her ex or were they still together?

No wish to flame you I'm just curious if she'd cheated on her ex and therefore she has a pattern of cheating.

I understand you don't want to fuck up the kids Christmas but you are not doing yourself or the kids any favours by staying in this marriage effectively waiting for her to leave when it suits her.

Original poster
pirate13 · 04/12/2015 10:37

exactly, and why doest she want to be there with him for christmas, unless as other have said hes either not ready or unsure he wants them back.

either way if shes going its got to be sooner rather than later, for mine and the kids sake

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 04/12/2015 10:39

they were together but she told me it was more like a brother and sister relationship, unfortunately she does have a history of cheating, but i like to think that the past shouldn't determine the future, but maybe i'm just being naive

OP posts:
Stormtreader · 04/12/2015 10:41

When she got into bed woth you, why didnt you get up and move to one of the other beds? You dont have to just accept whatever she decides to do.

Lweji · 04/12/2015 10:43

I do think she realises her ex is not on board and she'll have to stick with you.

DoorToTheRiver · 04/12/2015 10:48

I think her present is very much indicating her cheating is not in the past. Rather than work on problems in the relationship she seems to think the solution is another man. It isn't.

Don't be the bloke who puts up with all manner of crap because you don't want her to leave.

She has brought her own problems from her previous relationship into your relationship and found the grass isn't greener because the problems are hers. Until she works on why she gets bored so quickly she will keep repeating this pattern.

Don't be her fall back option if her ex doesn't want her back. It won't bring you happiness.

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