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Original poster

I think she going to leave for her ex

439 replies

pirate13 · 03/12/2015 17:43

My wife and i have been together for 3 years married almost 2
she has 2 children, 3 and 6, and i have one, 6 also

our relationship started great but lately all we seem to do is argue about stupid things.
The two 6 year old fight alot, moneys tight etc

the other night, the day after another stupid row, we were watching telly and i knew something was up, so in the morning i looked at her phone ( i know, silly thing to do) and found that she was texting her ex things like, "you are the only one that really knows me" and "it should be you bathing the kids" to which he replied that they should "wait and see what happens"
(She had had a few drinks that evening) I think its the first time shes ever spoken like this to him but i cant be sure.

I got really upset and had to say something, so i did, and she just started shouting about me being insecure and that she was thinking of giving it another go with him, but wasn't sure?

last night when she was at work her eldest told me he was going to miss me and his friends as they were moving back to daddy's but it was a secret

i asked her last night what was going on and she said she is going to leave after Christmas, this hurt A LOT, but i kept my cool and just said if that's what she wants then that was that.

She slept in our bed (odd i thought) and this morning she is her usual self, chatting about a birthday party we are doing at the weekend, her eldests which the ex will be attending!

I REALLY don't want them to leave, i love the kids and her so much, i know i am not perfect but i am willing to do whatever it takes to keep them and build a better marriage but i think it may be too late. But like my friend says, shes not gone yet and why wait till after Christmas, why does she not want to spend it with him and the kids?

I know women are very good at detaching themselves from a relationship even when still living together, but is there anything i can do to change her mind, i'm just trying to play it cool at the moment, act normal, be nice, in the hope that she realizes what she may be losing.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 06/12/2015 06:34

Time for you to grow a pair OP and stop being so weak.
She has told you she is leaving, she has told her DC they are leaving so why are you holding back. Her behaviour is dreadful, she is using you until something better comes along or until the time is right.
You deserve to be happy and it doesn't sound as if you are or will be with her.
Don't delay do it today.
Then you can start to move on.

chillycurtains · 06/12/2015 08:12

I hope everything went ok (or as ok as it could do in the circumstances) with your chat.

Reading the above posts, I can't help but wonder if your partner's ex is as interested in her as she is him. It could be that he doesn't want her around till after Christmas or at all. It is really weird that he would want to have the kids but not her over the Christmas week like you mentioned. That doesn't sound right and rings alarm bells for me. If he lives 2.5 hrs away then she must have a moving date as such as she needs to have changed the children's school surely so they start their in January??

All a bit werid. But it makes not difference to you in that you need to be out of this relationship as she is in fully in it. I am really sorry. I hope you find someone really special in the future.

Joysmum · 06/12/2015 09:10

Whether sleeves for him or not, your clearly second best and if she doesn't go, it won't be because she doesn't want to.

DrMorbius · 06/12/2015 09:24

Repeat
Stand up and start to take control of your life. Tell the tramp its over. Not over next day, not week or next year, but over now, today. Tell her to make arrangements to be gone by the end of the weekend. When the locks will be changed

FFS - she is most likely having sex with her ex, what do you need to make you stop burying your head in the ground.

Original poster
pirate13 · 06/12/2015 11:04

I don't mean to come across as melodramatic, but this is one of the hardest things I've ever done. And the more normal she acts the harder it is to build the strength to tell her to leave. And of course the kids are going to get hurt.

OP posts:
GeorgiaT2468 · 06/12/2015 11:36

Then don't just tell her to leave. Just approach the conversation and talk about it with her. All you can do initially is approach the subject..

Either way if you initiate her leaving or she leaves off her own accord the children will be hurt regardless.

I do think the longer it's left the worse it will be for everyone in the long run.

Xx

GeorgiaT2468 · 06/12/2015 11:42

Maybe it's over, maybe she's having a funny period in her life, maybe she's confused about what she wants, maybe she's just being a vile person, maybe she's using you, maybe she's a nutter but you won't know of the actual plans or happenings unless you talk.

Yes you love them and that's understandable Hun it's your little family.

Maybe once you talk you will be more clear of what's going on and you never know you may benefit from some counselling or something of that respect. Or maybe it's just the end. It's quite confusing however you cannot allow yourself to be in this situation or those innocent children.

It's not fair but your the one on the receiving end and your the one that needs to put a stop to it all.. Clearly she don't give a shit but you do so for everyone's sake take a deep breath and sort it out.

Xx

BoneyBackJefferson · 06/12/2015 12:23

Pirate

The more I think about it, the more I think that this is the perfect time to tell her to go.

get her, her mother and the "ex" in a room and tell them that you expect her and all of her stuff gone after the party.

She has support (her mum, brother and "Ex"), transport and no costs to cover.

Sansoora · 06/12/2015 12:35

I don't mean to come across as melodramatic,

Im sorry but you are. In fact this thread is like reading a badly written Mills and Boon at times. Just get on and do what you have to do lest you wake up weeks from now without a shred of self respect left.

Joysmum · 06/12/2015 12:52

OP you aren't coming across as melodramatic, just a man who his taking this decision very seriously. You're not writing this for the entertainment purposes of your Mumsnet audience, whatever we might think.

Keeping writing how you're thinks by and feeling because the purpose of this is settle in your own mind what your next steps are, and the best way to communicate that to yourself is in your own words. Wink

Lweji · 06/12/2015 13:06

Deciding to leave is never easy. Although you can simply get up and decide to do it, more often than not it's a longer process. Your position is understandable considering it's not 100% clear where she is coming from and how much you have invested, and the children as well.
You come across as more considerate of her children than their mother does.

Joysmum · 07/12/2015 18:38

Hoping you're ok?

GeorgiaT2468 · 07/12/2015 19:13

I was thinking that.. It's gone quiet xx

Original poster
pirate13 · 08/12/2015 08:05

Hi
I have asked her again if she is still going to move out to which she replied she was, i asked her when and she said she didn't know as she has a lot to sort out, i don't know if its for her ex or not, she didn't elaborate (but i still don't understand if it is why she is waiting, he has a nice house, job etc), she's still sleeping in our bed and i know it goes against everything everyone is saying but deep down i still want this marriage to work, and to be honest i can't tell her to leave if she hasn't got anywhere to take the kids.
The last time she said she wanted us to separate was in October and it took about 2 weeks for her to decide she wanted to be a couple again, but that time it was different beds etc. i know i'm clutching at straws but thats all i can do at the moment.

OP posts:
P1nkP0ppy · 08/12/2015 08:11

For god's sake tell her to go, now.
She's playing mind games with you.
Or tell her you love her madly and want her to stay.

Original poster
pirate13 · 08/12/2015 08:19

i have told her i'll do whatever it takes to save our marriage and that i love her but she didn't respond.
i am trying to let her go but its difficult when we share a house at the moment.

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 08/12/2015 08:47

The most likely way of keeping her is to let her go. The tighter you hang on, the more she will pull away. The more you accommodate her, the more liberties she will take.
You need her respect and admiration if you are to attract her. You need to stand up for yourself.

Original poster
pirate13 · 08/12/2015 08:50

thats good advice, i am trying to pull away and be a bit more independent, one thing is she works most evenings so i have to look after the kids so its not like i can even get out and see some mates or anything.

OP posts:
Lweji · 08/12/2015 09:07

One way would be to kick her out of the common bed. If she is on her way out, then send her to the sofa or the guest room. Start dividing things up, make plans for holidays and weekends with your own child, look for solicitors, legal stuff... split any joint accounts, ask her to pay a proportion of expenditure according to people living there.
That should send her a message you are not putting up with this climate of uncertainty.

Joysmum · 08/12/2015 09:12

You've got the choice of limping on and her respect for you dwindling even lower, or you take control. You tell her you deserves to be with someone who loves you as much as you love them and that you're making plans to separate. Say if she wants to be with you she has to fight for it and persuade you you're loved and not just being used.

This should tell you quickly what you need to know.

Apart from anything else, it's not fair on those poor kids to let this drag on Sad

GeorgiaT2468 · 08/12/2015 09:50

Or why dont you leave? Get yourself a little place and get on with your own life with your child? Or children if she lets you have contact with the ones you have helped raise?

If she can't afford the house on her own it's her look out, she will have to look into claiming some benefits to support her children and herself. If she's leaving you it's not your problem it's hers to manage herself!

Do t stick around just to wipe her backside, she's got to stand on her own to feet and deal with the consequences for being such an insufferable user!!

Your clearly her financial support and also her baby sitter!!

I agree with the above kick her out if that bed too..

Xx

Sansoora · 08/12/2015 09:51

i have told her i'll do whatever it takes to save our marriage and that i love her but she didn't respond.
i am trying to let her go but its difficult when we share a house at the moment.

I think its highly likely she's a bully who's enjoying seeing you squirm whilst torturing the life out of you. You must tell her to go. Or you yourself must go and leave her to it. But the way you are going its only going to get wore. In fact I would put money on her despising you because your are being, in her eyes, pathetic.

Original poster
pirate13 · 08/12/2015 10:22

i feel pretty pathetic to be honest with you. Sad

if she hadn't done these sort of things before i guess it might be different, but i just don't know where i stand

shes bought me lunch again today! i don't get why she is doing things like that, its so confusing

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 08/12/2015 10:29

You do know where you stand mate! Nowhere!

She's told you she's leaving, she's said the words!?

She's bringing you lunch and acting normally because she can't, for whatever reason, move in with the ex yet?

Just exactly what are you waiting to hear?

Why haven't you asked her outright if she's going to live with him?

You're choosing death by a thousand cuts here.

I'm sorry, I know you love her, but she's treating you like absolute shit! :(

Lweji · 08/12/2015 10:34

Why don't you ask her about the lunch? Be open about it.