Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think she going to leave for her ex

439 replies

pirate13 · 03/12/2015 17:43

My wife and i have been together for 3 years married almost 2
she has 2 children, 3 and 6, and i have one, 6 also

our relationship started great but lately all we seem to do is argue about stupid things.
The two 6 year old fight alot, moneys tight etc

the other night, the day after another stupid row, we were watching telly and i knew something was up, so in the morning i looked at her phone ( i know, silly thing to do) and found that she was texting her ex things like, "you are the only one that really knows me" and "it should be you bathing the kids" to which he replied that they should "wait and see what happens"
(She had had a few drinks that evening) I think its the first time shes ever spoken like this to him but i cant be sure.

I got really upset and had to say something, so i did, and she just started shouting about me being insecure and that she was thinking of giving it another go with him, but wasn't sure?

last night when she was at work her eldest told me he was going to miss me and his friends as they were moving back to daddy's but it was a secret

i asked her last night what was going on and she said she is going to leave after Christmas, this hurt A LOT, but i kept my cool and just said if that's what she wants then that was that.

She slept in our bed (odd i thought) and this morning she is her usual self, chatting about a birthday party we are doing at the weekend, her eldests which the ex will be attending!

I REALLY don't want them to leave, i love the kids and her so much, i know i am not perfect but i am willing to do whatever it takes to keep them and build a better marriage but i think it may be too late. But like my friend says, shes not gone yet and why wait till after Christmas, why does she not want to spend it with him and the kids?

I know women are very good at detaching themselves from a relationship even when still living together, but is there anything i can do to change her mind, i'm just trying to play it cool at the moment, act normal, be nice, in the hope that she realizes what she may be losing.

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 03/12/2015 19:05

luckily i dont have any assets to be honest!!

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 03/12/2015 19:06

thank anyfucker, i am starting to believe that Smile

OP posts:
Lweji · 03/12/2015 19:07

Good luck.

Original poster
pirate13 · 03/12/2015 19:13

thanks Lweli, i reckon i'm going to need it!

OP posts:
toastyarmadillo · 03/12/2015 19:15

Good luck, she needs to leave as soon as possible if she feels like that. You are worth more!

maccax · 03/12/2015 19:19

Pirate13,
Mate, it's eating you up....
she's already finished it, it's over.
You gotta "help" her go.....
for you and your kids health.

Original poster
pirate13 · 03/12/2015 19:22

i know maccax, but its bloody hard, i've put a lot into this relationship, making a bond with her kids and all, its hard to accept its over, but that it what i have to do, i know that now.

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 03/12/2015 19:26

thanks toastyarmadillo, all of you tbh, i know what i have to do, its going to be hard but i have to get her to leave, she won't be happy though!! (and man am i going to miss those kids) Sad

OP posts:
bjrce · 03/12/2015 19:33

Hi op. Just read through the whole thread.

From what you say, and what the ex boyfriend is stating in his texts. It doesn't actually sound like he is overly enthusiastic about having them back. Perhaps life has got a bit too easy for him and he enjoys the setup as is.
Thing is. You w is taking your good nature that you will tolerate her leaving you, when it suits her and she appears to have no problem with this to the extreme.
I thought it did sound strange when you said you were together 3 years and she has a 3 year old.
The problem is not you or the dc fighting (they all do this believe me! ). The problem is her. Why does she get to dictate when she leaves?
Why do you allow her to state in arguments that she is going to leave, as is holding it over you like a threat

This is no way to live. Tell her you want her and her kids out now. Guarantee you will see a very different reaction from her.
How dare she act all normal after making such a statement. She sounds unhinged.
For your own sake (and sanity) op. Don't put up with this shit. It's no way to live.

AnyFucker · 03/12/2015 19:34

That's a shame about the kids. It's all been a bit of a disaster though, hasn't it. Maybe next time don't rush into things. Those kids are going to end up well confused.

UptownFunk00 · 03/12/2015 19:34

It's not fair on you or the kids.

She's pulling them from pillar to post.

I'd bet if it doesn't work with the ex she'll be begging to be taken back.

Be strong for you and those kids.

Original poster
pirate13 · 03/12/2015 19:41

i'm sorry i dont know all the abbreviations, youngest was 4 months when we started talking, only 6 months when she moved in, i've seen her first steps, first words, i love her like my own, i just can't believe this is happening.

OP posts:
UptownFunk00 · 03/12/2015 19:45

I'm so sorry you are going through this op.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 03/12/2015 19:46

You moved in together within 2 months of starting "talking"? And you have three young children between you? Yeah I'm losing sympathy and respect for you here. That is appalling.

Original poster
pirate13 · 03/12/2015 19:51

my relationship previous ended as she had an affair, we get on great though. i honestly thought that my now wife was unhappy, it wasn't without reservations that i allowed her to move in, but she lives 2.5hrs away and had no support here, no money to get herself a place so it seemed right that she move in, there was no way she could afford her own place.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/12/2015 20:04

Sounds like you have been used. Sorry.

DoinMiFuckinHeadIn · 03/12/2015 20:14

Pirate you sound lovely and you deserve much better than the shoddy treatment you're on the receiving end of now.

I wish you all the best for the talk tonight

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 03/12/2015 20:52

And now as a consequence of that shitty decision you have thre confused children to deal with, one of whom has only ever known you as a father. Shame.

43percentburnt · 03/12/2015 21:07

Good luck pirate, hope tonight goes ok. You sound like you have been a good step father, I hope you are happy in the future. I think you telling her to leave may shock her, expect a reaction.

Maybe she wasn't ready for a new relationship, out of interest why did they split up? Does he see the children regularly, pay maintenance etc?

Original poster
pirate13 · 03/12/2015 22:07

That split because he was never there for her and the kids. They were more mates than in a relationship.
He's sees them most school holidays and yeah he pays maintenance. Tbh he's been pretty good.

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 03/12/2015 22:14

She was always telling me they should never have stayed together so long and how unhappy she was!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 03/12/2015 22:21

words are cheap

Original poster
pirate13 · 04/12/2015 06:46

I bottled it Sad
She came home on such a crap mood that I just couldn't do it. She can have a fiery temper on her and I just knew she would flip her lid. She's not working tonight. I've got to pick up my son but I will make time when all the kids are asleep.

She slept in our bed again. I went first in the hope she would slept elsewhere but no.

I expect after tonight she might feel differently.

OP posts:
Dungandbother · 04/12/2015 07:03

Pirate
Be kind to yourself. You didn't bottle it. You assessed the situation and made a decision.

Phoenix69 · 04/12/2015 07:19

As Anyfucker said

If my H told me he wanted to be elsewhere... elsewhere he would be

Don't accept being second best, the back up guy. She either wants to be with you (evidently not) or she goes.

Don't bottle telling her again. Screw the temper, that is just a smokescreen, tell her its over. You will feel a whole lot better about yourself

Swipe left for the next trending thread