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Original poster

I think she going to leave for her ex

439 replies

pirate13 · 03/12/2015 17:43

My wife and i have been together for 3 years married almost 2
she has 2 children, 3 and 6, and i have one, 6 also

our relationship started great but lately all we seem to do is argue about stupid things.
The two 6 year old fight alot, moneys tight etc

the other night, the day after another stupid row, we were watching telly and i knew something was up, so in the morning i looked at her phone ( i know, silly thing to do) and found that she was texting her ex things like, "you are the only one that really knows me" and "it should be you bathing the kids" to which he replied that they should "wait and see what happens"
(She had had a few drinks that evening) I think its the first time shes ever spoken like this to him but i cant be sure.

I got really upset and had to say something, so i did, and she just started shouting about me being insecure and that she was thinking of giving it another go with him, but wasn't sure?

last night when she was at work her eldest told me he was going to miss me and his friends as they were moving back to daddy's but it was a secret

i asked her last night what was going on and she said she is going to leave after Christmas, this hurt A LOT, but i kept my cool and just said if that's what she wants then that was that.

She slept in our bed (odd i thought) and this morning she is her usual self, chatting about a birthday party we are doing at the weekend, her eldests which the ex will be attending!

I REALLY don't want them to leave, i love the kids and her so much, i know i am not perfect but i am willing to do whatever it takes to keep them and build a better marriage but i think it may be too late. But like my friend says, shes not gone yet and why wait till after Christmas, why does she not want to spend it with him and the kids?

I know women are very good at detaching themselves from a relationship even when still living together, but is there anything i can do to change her mind, i'm just trying to play it cool at the moment, act normal, be nice, in the hope that she realizes what she may be losing.

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 19/12/2015 08:31

Solicitor said I shouldn't leave the house unless I absolutely have to, she said we should try mediation, that made me laugh, to be honest everything she said was good, no joint back account, no kids etc. I could just walk away of I wanted. Some days I do others not so much. I don't know if it's about not giving her the satisfaction of keeping the house or missing my step kids or what.

She's now taken a load of her stuff into the other room. I discovered morning she in the same bed as her son, he had a double, I think this is a little strange. Not a long term solution, there is enough beds in the house it would just mean moving the kids around.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 19/12/2015 08:59

She's trying to make you feel obligated to her with the effort this weekend.

Your most pressing issue re separation is your housing situation, which you didn't discuss with the solicitor your rights and responsibilities.

So until you can speak to your landlord or somebody like Shelter to identify your path forwards with your housing situation situation, you're stuck.

That has to be your priority for your own peace of mind. Can you imagine how light you'll feel when that weight has been lifted?

magoria · 19/12/2015 09:07

It doesn't really matter what games she is playing.

You don't have to play.

She is abusive. Don't stay in this relationship. Also did you tell the solicitor this? Mediation is not recommended where there is violence and abuse.

Get the divorce papers started.

If you have to leave the house. Leave.

Explain it all to the LL. That when everything is sorted you would like to move back in. Give them your notice.

If you can live temporarily with you dad do so and cancel all bills in your name and council tax.

Does your dad own?

Could you consider a house together with an annex or similar rather than 2 separate houses?

Lweji · 19/12/2015 11:23

To start with don't play happy families. Find your own thing to do and don't join in the activities. The sooner the kids are told the better.

Original poster
pirate13 · 19/12/2015 14:26

I did discuss the housing situation. That's when she said I shouldn't leave the house. As we are married it doesn't matter who the lease holder is she has a joint right to stay here.
Tbh I didn't say much about her behaviour. It's hard. I know it's odd but I don't feel like I want to do it that way (but I will if it comes to it)

I agree about the kids being told but I don't think I should be the one to tell them. I've told my son as best I can about what's going on and I think he understands (a little difficult discussing it with a 6yo)

OP posts:
Joysmum · 19/12/2015 15:11

Yes she's said not to leave the house but she hasn't told you rights and responsibilities on to seperate and end the tenancy has she?

Lweji · 19/12/2015 15:14

She won't tell her kids and she's making it as if all is fine. If she doesn't, then you should. Take charge.

tribpot · 20/12/2015 08:08

She's moved in with her son because it will upset him and he will ask you what's wrong and when you're going to let his mum back into your bed. What an appallingly cynical move designed to manipulate you into thinking this is your fault. That child is going to need years of therapy.

Original poster
pirate13 · 21/12/2015 13:01

i have emailed the landlord and they are away til the new year unfortunately

She was being really nice this weekend, even talked about doing a xmas dinner on xmas eve as the kids wont be around xmas day!

Anyway, i'm not going to post on here for a while, i realize i've been using it as a bit of a crutch and i have to accept that i am stuck until the new year, but at least i've got the bed Smile

Thank you all for your advice, and patience with me, you have all been great.
Have a great holiday everyone Xmas Smile

OP posts:
Lweji · 21/12/2015 13:12

Have a good Christmas, as much as possible, anyway. Xmas Smile

shoeaddict83 · 21/12/2015 14:23

I hope you can have a happy christmas Pirate and hopefully begin to move forward in the new year - lets hope 2016 is better for you! Well done on making the first moves anyway, stay strong and get the ball rolling again once your landlord is back Xmas Smile

Original poster
pirate13 · 21/12/2015 18:29

Ok so I know I said I wouldn't be back for a bit but........She just told me she's moving out in the new year. Not to be with her ex but to a different town Smile
Happy xmas!

OP posts:
P1nkP0ppy · 21/12/2015 18:36

Let's just hope she actually does move out op!

Happy Christmas to you too Xmas Smile 🎄 🌟

Joysmum · 21/12/2015 18:40

I sincerely hope you get your wish. Merry Christmas to you Pirate Xmas Smile

inlectorecumbit · 21/12/2015 18:43

oh that's a bit of Xmas cheer for you pirate13-- just hope she is not just trying to reel you back in.
Have a good Xmas Xmas Grin

tribpot · 21/12/2015 18:49

Fantastic news, I hope you said "that sounds like the best thing all round" rather than what she wanted, which was to beg and plead for another chance.

Can you arrange to have your ds visit you over Xmas now?

Original poster
pirate13 · 21/12/2015 19:05

I did. I told her that it was definitely for the best.
I'm going to go and see him. I still think it's probably for the best he's not here. Not when I know what she thinks about him.
I'll see him but I'll go to him.
I think she'll go. I really do.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 21/12/2015 19:07

"Anyway, i'm not going to post on here for a while, i realize i've been using it as a bit of a crutch"

Use away pirate, it's one of the many things MN is here for. People who've been where you are now who you can talk to. Best wishes for Christmas and the New Year. Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 22/12/2015 08:54

That's sounds like good news.
Let's hope she sticks to it and does move out.
You can then move on.
Good luck and try to have a good Christmas.

Original poster
pirate13 · 25/12/2015 09:18

Happy Christmas Smile

So last night. After she went to bed abd everything was sorted. I went out to see done friends.

This morning I slept in. Missed the kids opening their presentsSad. She could have woken me. But as she left to go to her mum's she had a go saying that I could have got up and made an effort!
She has gone now. I feel like I can't do anything right.

OP posts:
Lweji · 25/12/2015 09:55

Well, they are not your kids, as much as you love them. Better get used to it. Sad

And she clearly did it to punish you.

Why do you still expect her approval at this stage?

Lweji · 25/12/2015 09:55

And Merry Christmas. Xmas Smile

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/12/2015 11:37

"I feel like I can't do anything right."
That is her aim Sad. Don't worry about it, it's not you it's her. Have a lovely stress-free day, with her not around you won't be on tenterhooks.

Merry Christmas pirate.

sinber · 25/12/2015 12:34

Never mind pirate, next year will be a fresh start. Happy Christmas.

inlectorecumbit · 25/12/2015 23:02

you cant do right for doing wrong..

If you had got up in time she would have had a go at you for something else, she has to get the last word-probably pissed off at you going out last night and having the luxury of a lie in.

No matter Pirate 2016 will be better, hope you managed to have a good xmas and got to see your DS

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