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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think she going to leave for her ex

439 replies

pirate13 · 03/12/2015 17:43

My wife and i have been together for 3 years married almost 2
she has 2 children, 3 and 6, and i have one, 6 also

our relationship started great but lately all we seem to do is argue about stupid things.
The two 6 year old fight alot, moneys tight etc

the other night, the day after another stupid row, we were watching telly and i knew something was up, so in the morning i looked at her phone ( i know, silly thing to do) and found that she was texting her ex things like, "you are the only one that really knows me" and "it should be you bathing the kids" to which he replied that they should "wait and see what happens"
(She had had a few drinks that evening) I think its the first time shes ever spoken like this to him but i cant be sure.

I got really upset and had to say something, so i did, and she just started shouting about me being insecure and that she was thinking of giving it another go with him, but wasn't sure?

last night when she was at work her eldest told me he was going to miss me and his friends as they were moving back to daddy's but it was a secret

i asked her last night what was going on and she said she is going to leave after Christmas, this hurt A LOT, but i kept my cool and just said if that's what she wants then that was that.

She slept in our bed (odd i thought) and this morning she is her usual self, chatting about a birthday party we are doing at the weekend, her eldests which the ex will be attending!

I REALLY don't want them to leave, i love the kids and her so much, i know i am not perfect but i am willing to do whatever it takes to keep them and build a better marriage but i think it may be too late. But like my friend says, shes not gone yet and why wait till after Christmas, why does she not want to spend it with him and the kids?

I know women are very good at detaching themselves from a relationship even when still living together, but is there anything i can do to change her mind, i'm just trying to play it cool at the moment, act normal, be nice, in the hope that she realizes what she may be losing.

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 15/12/2015 07:25

Oh yeah. And she asked why I had changed the password on my phone. Wtf.

OP posts:
toastyarmadillo · 15/12/2015 07:29

Be firm, if your not in a relationship bills must be split, end of story! Don't do anything for her and don't accept any help from her, washing cooking etc.
Once she works out your not going to just take being screwed over she will move onto the next suckered.

Contact your landlord, explain the situation, it's likely she can't rent that house alone anyway as she has no guarantor, your dad is YOUR guarantor not both of yours! She will need benefits to pay the rent, he may not be prepared to accept this (which is entirely his perogative)

Give her a financial break down of all shared outgoings showing total due and her share, and when you expect the funds by!

You share no children and she has given up her job for her own reasons, you have no obligation to support her emotionally or financially from now on.

tribpot · 15/12/2015 08:28

Didn't take her long for the angry side to re-emerge, did it?

Not hard to see that she gave up work deliberately so that you would feel obliged to support her - I think she intended to string you along by being nice for a few months whilst she worked on her ex to change his mind.

Do speak to your landlord today and get that appointment booked with your solicitor.

Joysmum · 15/12/2015 08:28

Catching up emotionally and getting ready to take action to seperate is a process. Some people take years of being fucked over to realise it and then more time to feel able to take action.

This isn't Eastenders, real life doesn't go at a pace designed to entertain and this thread is for the OP to gather his thoughts and steel himself to see things how they really are and be brave enough to take action.

Victims of emotional and physical violence take time to realise what they are the victim of. That's normal.

You'll get there Pirate. You've come such a long way already to see things more clearly, that takes a lot. Now you're ready to gather yourself to get all the information you need to work out how best to push on rather than staying passive and accepting her crap.

shoeaddict83 · 15/12/2015 08:49

Glad you had a chat with her pirate even if it did result in her getting angry and saying she still isnt going, at least she now knows your serious and its a step in the right direction!

Hope you are starting to see some light at the end of the tunnel in getting out of this abusive relationship. I understand it must be difficult - i clung to a toxic relationship for 7 years because i loved him despite the fact he was sleeping with god knows how many women and even knocked one up behind my back,. I lost all self respect and just clung to what we 'had' years ago, not what the 'relationship' (in the loosest of terms) had become.

it takes time but you get there and as another poster said the love is the last to go, but you'll feel better and begin to pick up the pieces once you start the separation process.
Hopefully you can chat to the landlord today and he will understand, and a meeting with your solicitor may settle your mind a little more.

springydaffs · 15/12/2015 09:42

Absolutely. It takes time, especially when there is abuse involved. So back off people.

Lweji · 15/12/2015 10:14

Definitely make the separation official, and tell her she can always claim benefits to cover her share. Or move back to her ex.

Lweji · 15/12/2015 10:16

I only urge you at this stage, Pirate, because she is actually leaving work by the end of the week.
You may need time in your head, but she is forcing your hand in that aspect. Don't waste time.

magoria · 15/12/2015 10:41

She knows what she is doing.

She is now a dependant in your marriage.

She has now assumed stay at home parent status while you are the bread winner.

You need to get it on record as soon as possible that you are separating, that she has not left her job for financial dependence on you mutually agreed etc

Otherwise she may be entitled to a greater share of the marital assets to support herself and her DC at your expense.

Speak to your LL. Explain the situation. Hand in your notice and get him to start the ball rolling on evicting her to protect yourself.

She is on the ball and on target to completely screw you over.

Original poster
pirate13 · 15/12/2015 17:55

Before she left for work she asked why I thought she was going to go live with her ex. So I told her. I told her what her son said, what I had seen on her phone, what her friend said about her wanting to go see him etc. She wasn't happy! Shouted that I'm controlling, that this is why she wants to split. I know it was a bad thing to look at her phone, and I don't think she'll talk to me for a while now, but that's ok. I'm glad she knows.
Got an appointment for this week to see my solicitor properly this time.

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 15/12/2015 17:57

I've tried to call my LL but I think they are away for Xmas. They spend about 1/2 the year in Australia with their kids.

OP posts:
tribpot · 15/12/2015 18:06

That's fine, I'm sure she will make out that you're a monster for looking at her phone - but wasn't she trying to do the same when she discovered you'd changed your PIN? And in any case, what you discovered on her phone is that she was blatantly making a play for her ex-husband, which strikes me as somewhat worse.

However, she's shot herself in the foot by admitting that she wants to split - that means you both do, which is good, that doesn't need to be debated any further. If she wants to punish you by not talking - that's ideal.

SpaceCucumber · 15/12/2015 18:11

Don't tell her you're going to see a solicitor yet. It's none of her business and she seems to be making moves to squeeze you for everything she can. So for now, get your legal advice sorted and don't utter a word to her what you're doing unless your legal advisor tells you too. It's none of her business anyway what you choose to do in your spare time.

AnyFucker · 15/12/2015 18:11

pirate, you really need to start listening to the warnings you have had on your thread all the way along

she is manouevring you blatantly and openly while you obsess over every little exchange

reread what magoria wrote at 10:41. She has summarised it for you

now get your head out your arse and protect yourself. You are coming over as either not very bright or completely blinded by unrequited love

both of those things are going to see you with your life totally fucked over

wake up you have been yapping about seeing a solicitor for days

Lweji · 15/12/2015 19:57

And another warning.
Make sure she doesn't end up accusing you of domestic violence. She has already said it would make things easier.

Sansoora · 15/12/2015 20:10

*now get your head out your arse and protect yourself. You are coming over as either not very bright or completely blinded by unrequited love

both of those things are going to see you with your life totally fucked over

wake up you have been yapping about seeing a solicitor for days*

Yes.

manandbeast · 15/12/2015 20:10

Fucker - he's either hopelessly in love or not very bright?

I suspect he's mentally preparing himself to act - big decisions take time and he's entitled to that.

And if he isn't - in your words - 'very bright', how do you think your post will have helped him? Will he feel more empowered to act after reading that?

"Yapping on" - really?

Your brand of "straight talking" is strikingly similar to trolling.

Sansoora · 15/12/2015 20:13

Your brand of "straight talking" is strikingly similar to trolling.

Well that will make two of us.

In fact, Im not even sure this thread is real. Or if it is then its a reverse.

I know its supposed to be a man posting but each time I read another post I think to myself - this is a woman.

AnyFucker · 15/12/2015 20:19

man shall I report you for troll hunting ?

springydaffs · 15/12/2015 22:40

Stop the bullying, people. Just STOP IT.

AnyFucker · 15/12/2015 22:54

Yeah springy !

I am sick of people following me around the boards to have a go at me ! Thanks for noticing.

Wink
magoria · 15/12/2015 23:15

It takes some people years to leave a relationship, especially one with abuse.

OP is still in the confused/denial/hoping she will change her mind stage.

He getting there.

Lweji · 15/12/2015 23:24

But sometimes it takes a split second to decide and act on it.

I do think she is forcing Pirate's hand. And that you will regret it if you don't act now.

In any case, I hope it works out for you, one way or the other.

springydaffs · 16/12/2015 00:44

We can't force the split-second revelation though. Especially not by bullying and shaming.

He's/you're getting there. She, meanwhile, is weaving a web around you lovely!

Sansoora · 16/12/2015 02:05

Ive reported the thread. It was time now that people have been accused of trolling.