I think she going to leave for her ex

[pirate13]

My wife and i have been together for 3 years married almost 2
she has 2 children, 3 and 6, and i have one, 6 also

our relationship started great but lately all we seem to do is argue about stupid things.
The two 6 year old fight alot, moneys tight etc

the other night, the day after another stupid row, we were watching telly and i knew something was up, so in the morning i looked at her phone ( i know, silly thing to do) and found that she was texting her ex things like, "you are the only one that really knows me" and "it should be you bathing the kids" to which he replied that they should "wait and see what happens"
(She had had a few drinks that evening) I think its the first time shes ever spoken like this to him but i cant be sure.

I got really upset and had to say something, so i did, and she just started shouting about me being insecure and that she was thinking of giving it another go with him, but wasn't sure?

last night when she was at work her eldest told me he was going to miss me and his friends as they were moving back to daddy's but it was a secret

i asked her last night what was going on and she said she is going to leave after Christmas, this hurt A LOT, but i kept my cool and just said if that's what she wants then that was that.

She slept in our bed (odd i thought) and this morning she is her usual self, chatting about a birthday party we are doing at the weekend, her eldests which the ex will be attending!

I REALLY don't want them to leave, i love the kids and her so much, i know i am not perfect but i am willing to do whatever it takes to keep them and build a better marriage but i think it may be too late. But like my friend says, shes not gone yet and why wait till after Christmas, why does she not want to spend it with him and the kids?

I know women are very good at detaching themselves from a relationship even when still living together, but is there anything i can do to change her mind, i'm just trying to play it cool at the moment, act normal, be nice, in the hope that she realizes what she may be losing.

I think it's the fact that they're married that complicates it, shoeaddict. According to the info from Shelter (that's a PDF) "If you are married or in a registered civil partnership with the sole tenant or owner, you will have home rights (see page 16) which give you similar rights to a joint tenant or owner".

OK tribpot, fair enough . As i said it was my experience but yes i wasnt married so obviously much easier to sort out then!

I think probably also relevant is the fact she is likely to refuse to move out if/when the landlord serves notice. She can sit tight and in fact the dad will be liable for the rent. So OP does need to get advice.

Ah bugger, sorry I missed the bit where he said it was in his sole name.

In which case he needs to ask about 'home rights' and 'vacant possession'.

The effect could still be the same though, that the tenancy won't end simply by him giving notice and walking out.

Plus he'd then still beresponsible for rent, costs and damages as would any guarantor.

Seriously, the law is complicated. It's easy to read one section of a relevant act that states you're ok, without realising that another section could apply which gives the opposite outcome.

Shelter is a great source of info so anyone struggling for solicitors fees can start there. Unless citizens advice they specialize in housing issues

Just from s human perspective, think about the situation logically.

If protection wasn't given to spouses, it'd be easy for a twatty one to give notice on a tenancy, both joint or in sole name, and make their partner homeless without that partner even knowing about it.

This really was never going to be as easy as give notice, stop paying, and walk away!

i know i'm pretty stuck at the moment.

any advice on how to move on even though we still live together, she is stopping work at the end of the week so can get out more then, i need to stop thinking about it still being a relationship but its difficult

So, she is actually stopping work?

This is a good time to separate finances and put the burden on her to pay half of the rent and other expenses or move out.

You need to start on a separation agreement or divorce proceedings, particularly before she becomes a stay at home mother, and can claim loss of earnings.

yeah, her last day is thursday.

I feel like i want to get on with my life, but a part of me still thinks i should be worried about what she thinks/says, i've been worried about her reactions to things for so long now i don't really know what else to do

Why has she quit work? Is she expecting you to support her fully now then?

As her spouse I'd be worried about this in-case she is making a move to claim she has no income and expect support from you even post your separation/divorce. You should seek legal advice ASAP.

she gave up because she said she didn't think it fair that i was looking after the kids while she was at work, i did't ask her too.

i assume thats what shes expecting, me to pay the rent and the bills and she buys the food etc, as it was when we were together, before she started working evenings

i need to get some advice on this, i really do, i've looked online and can't find anything specific so i'm going to call my solicitor tomorrow and see if she will see me

i don't think i should be paying for everything if she wants to be separated.

Ditto SpaceCucumber

You really need legal advice ASAP to get a separation agreement to give you both financial independence and allow her to claim benefits.

She's giving up work to make you support her. You don't have to do that if you are separated.

GET LEGAL ADVICE TO LEGALLY SEPERATE NOW!

You aren't stuck.

You own no property together - good.
You have no children together - good.

In theory I think the marriage should be reasonably easy to dissolve but you do need to start acting now. Her giving up work is likely another ploy to avoid you being able to kick her out / give up the tenancy. I would be most concerned about the fact your dad is liable if she refuses to leave when the tenancy ends. Your solicitor should be able to advise further.

Desolving the marriage shouldn't be a problem. It's how to start moving on while i am still in the house that im struggling with. If she was being awful and shouting all the time (like usual! ) I think I would find it easier. But as she's being nice it's difficult. I want to hate her but I just can't.

I think she will revert to awful and shouting once you tell her you're filing for divorce. The nice act is deliberate to confuse you into not acting in your best interests. I am staggered you can't find it within you to hate someone who would leave you in a New York second if her ex was interested in having her back. She does not love you.

I know she doesn't but I can't just flick a switch and turn my feelings off (I wish I could) bit I've had enough of feeling sorry for myself. I've got to see this for what it is. A crappy relationship that probably should have ended a while ago. Why is it that the times I felt like I'd had enough I didn't do it but now she wants it to end I feel bad about it?

Who has been the main carer for the kids? It sounds like she's realised it's you and you could apply for custody of the kids. So she's given up work to make sure she's the main carer. She's constantly planning isn't she...

I think you've had some really harsh and bullying posts on here, pirate. But you're used to that You were way behind your wife, it was a huge shock, you were reeling with the grief and shock of finding out you were not only going to imminently lose your marriage but also the kids you've come to love as your own - as well as wanting to keep things stable for them. No wonder you've been a rabbit in the headlights. Yet posters have been bullying urging you to act straight away from a jump-start position. Which must have added to your shame and confusion.

She's a piece of work, isn't she . Understatement. A nasty, manipulative, bullying piece of work. I am loathe to put the cat amongst the pigeons here but I'd be concerned at her having custody of those kids. She doesn't appear to put them first - she comes first - anddrags them around behind her chaotic, self-absorbed choices eg telling her 6yo the plans and telling him to keep it a secret.

She planning something nasty by giving up work. Iiwy i'd find out what she's afraid of, what she's trying to head off.

It makes no sense that you are the one who has to move when you are your dad's next-door-neighbour carer.
As others are saying, you need legal advice urgently. She's changed her mind about leaving bcs she realises there are some holes in her plans and she's buying herself time to make her plans airtight - in order to shaft you totally when the time comes.

Nasty piece of work. I'm not surprised you are struggling to find your footing - especially as you are also trying to protect the kids. At the same time as grieving the sudden loss of your family. My heart goes out to you, it really does.

Get good legal advice, get in touch with the org, linked above by a pp, that supports male victims of domestic abuse. I think it'll help you get your head straight.

You're doing well in the circumstances imo. Keep going, one foot in front of the other, step at a time

Sorry for rambling post.

springy, there are no shared kids. There's no custody issue to resolve. Thankfully!

Well, she's up to something...

What Springy said...^that^^. We know!

Pirate, hello, I have caught up with your thread and feel so very sad for you. I think you have had some quite harsh responses here, along with some very good advice, but I wanted to say that I get that you're walking on eggshells with her. She sounds fucking awful. Excuse my language. You deserve so much better.

My husband did this actually. He told me he was leaving (although unlike you, I didn't know there was an other in the background). He said "I won't go just yet, I need to sort myself out, there's lots to deal with". What he meant was that he was going to continue his affair while living in the house with me and the children, that I was going to continue to provide him with meals, do his washing, run around after him, help with his business etc etc. He was going to go out, do what he wanted, knowing I was there for the kids and if I were to protest he was going to say "but we're separated, you can't tell me what to do". Blah blah. I cottoned onto this very quickly (within about 12 hours of his announcement). So, while he was sleeping in his van off with OW, I gathered up every last one of his belongings and piled them into the lounge. I then texted him and said he needed to fetch his things. He was confused! He turned up and looked utterly aghast..."but I've got nowhere to go"...he did however put all his shit in his van and move straight in with OW but pretended he was homeless and living in van for weeks to keep up appearances of the awful wife who chucked him out. What he was doing to was creating a "scene". OW's husband had very very recently been killed and she had moved on with indecent haste. What they wanted was for me to go along with this charade so they could pretend they had suddenly "bumped into eachother" and hey presto. My story is shit and remains thus.

What I am saying is, she is doing the same, creating a story, an acceptable picture of behaviour to the outside world. I may be horribly wrong but judging by your posts, I am not sure I am. Suddenly she will become the "lone parent with no income"..."homeless"...."where will the children and I go"....

I am a cynic, I see the worst in everybody these days. In my opinion, you should seek some good legal advice. Her "power" is reasonably limited as you have no children between you and no major assets. She is unlikely to be able to claim maintenance etc...the children have a father for that. I know it sounds harsh, but steel balls are required here and I don't say it lightly, I know what an utterly tough and awful situation you're in and you seem like a very lovely man with the welfare of the children at the centre of it all. Unlike her.

In the meantime, concede, move into the spare room. Start doing things for yourself that don't include her. However shit you feel inside, don't let her see your fear if you can help it. She will just use it for her own gain. I know what I sound like, but believe me, I have been to hell and back with my husband and his OW...and sometimes, when you are up against people like your wife, you have to take a stand. You can do it!

I forgot to say, I understand that you love her...to an extent I still love my husband or the man I thought he was and it's been over two years for me since he left. You can't help your feelings and in all honesty, they are the last thing to "go" as it were. Don't feel ashamed about that...it's natural and normal. However, the continuous emotional and coercive abuse that you are suffering is not....!

That's a bit harsh Rubber, people do things at their own pace, yes it can be frustrating when a poster isn't doing the bleeding obvious but putting them down will not help.

I'm sorry of you think I'm bumping this pay or whatever. I am taking ask the advice and doing stuff to change my situation.

We had a "talk" last night. I told her that we need to get this separation done properly, split the bills and the rent etc. Of course she came back that she no longer working blah blah.
She got angry and the name calling started! Apparently I'm boring and pathetic, maybe I am now but I never used to be.
And she's still adamant she's not going anywhere.

I think she's given up work for when she separates from Pirate and wont have him to look after the children anymore. Because one way or another she has plans for a life without the OP and just how its all going to be achieved is yet to be seen.

And sadly, but surely, she has the jump on Pirate.