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Original poster

I think she going to leave for her ex

439 replies

pirate13 · 03/12/2015 17:43

My wife and i have been together for 3 years married almost 2
she has 2 children, 3 and 6, and i have one, 6 also

our relationship started great but lately all we seem to do is argue about stupid things.
The two 6 year old fight alot, moneys tight etc

the other night, the day after another stupid row, we were watching telly and i knew something was up, so in the morning i looked at her phone ( i know, silly thing to do) and found that she was texting her ex things like, "you are the only one that really knows me" and "it should be you bathing the kids" to which he replied that they should "wait and see what happens"
(She had had a few drinks that evening) I think its the first time shes ever spoken like this to him but i cant be sure.

I got really upset and had to say something, so i did, and she just started shouting about me being insecure and that she was thinking of giving it another go with him, but wasn't sure?

last night when she was at work her eldest told me he was going to miss me and his friends as they were moving back to daddy's but it was a secret

i asked her last night what was going on and she said she is going to leave after Christmas, this hurt A LOT, but i kept my cool and just said if that's what she wants then that was that.

She slept in our bed (odd i thought) and this morning she is her usual self, chatting about a birthday party we are doing at the weekend, her eldests which the ex will be attending!

I REALLY don't want them to leave, i love the kids and her so much, i know i am not perfect but i am willing to do whatever it takes to keep them and build a better marriage but i think it may be too late. But like my friend says, shes not gone yet and why wait till after Christmas, why does she not want to spend it with him and the kids?

I know women are very good at detaching themselves from a relationship even when still living together, but is there anything i can do to change her mind, i'm just trying to play it cool at the moment, act normal, be nice, in the hope that she realizes what she may be losing.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 12/12/2015 09:10

You go to a solicitor and find out your legal rights and responsibilies re separation. You follow their recommendations.

You tell her that her deciding to continue to live off you may well be her choice, but it's not yours and that she'd be better off choosing to separate rather than you forcing the issue.

SpaceCucumber · 12/12/2015 10:07

Have you actually told anyone in real life about all this? Friends? Family? What do they say? Can they help you at all?

If you haven't, then you should because it's clear you can't/won't do this on your own. And you shouldn't have too do it on your own if there's a support network you can lean on out there.

And by friends, I don't mean her friends, or friends that are mutual between the two of you. I mean your own friends and family.

Original poster
pirate13 · 12/12/2015 11:48

I have told most of my family and a few friends. They all think it's very odd behaviour. My closest mate thinks I should stick it out for as long as I can cos he thinks she's leaving no matter what but hasn't got a plan yet. I don't want to leave the house then in two months time she leaves and neither of us have it.
My sister thinks I should go now. She's offered to lend me some money to get out.

I think, as I'm stuck here till xmas whatever, if nothing more has happened regarding her leaving, I'll have to get my own place and give up on keeping the house. It will be more trouble than its worth.

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 12/12/2015 11:50

Just an update on her recent behaviour! She made dinner for us last night and breakfast this morning (for my dad too, she never does that) Confused
Today she's gone to her mates with the kids Smile
And she's taken her wedding rings off!

OP posts:
Joysmum · 12/12/2015 12:01

You're renting?

Are you on a rolling tenancy or fixed term?

Give notice to your landlord but don't be surprised if she refuses to leave. As a named tenant you'd still be responsible for the house, rent, costs, inventory deductions etc until the house is vacated. Plus you'll need to budget for deposit and rent upfront for your next place. I hope your sister can help you out with that as the soon let you actually separate the better.

I've seen people mention legal separation agreements on here even though they have had no choice other than to remain under the same roof as the ex for a period. Worth looking in to so she can't continue to fleece you and can apply for benefits to support herself instead.

Original poster
pirate13 · 12/12/2015 12:32

Renting. On a rolling lease.

Like I said. I don't want to leave the house though. I'm next to my dad so can go in before work to do his breakfast etc. Saves A lot on carers.
But if I have to go I will.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 12/12/2015 12:38

Hmm, solicitors is the way forwards then to seek a separation agreement because she'll just continue to sponge off of you otherwise and you'll never be free.

pocketsaviour · 12/12/2015 12:47

Amaze unfortunately as the OP is married, the wife has tenants rights even though not on the lease. See my link on last page. Given her previous violence to OP I strongly suggest OP moves out himself as being the least risky strategy.

Lweji · 12/12/2015 14:18

You can start the ball rolling regarding separation, separate finances, and eventually ask for a residency order (or whatever is called) because of your dad.

Get a solicitor who finds solutions rather than tell you what can't be done.

Original poster
pirate13 · 14/12/2015 09:28

Not a great weekend, on sat night i was a bit emotional and said some stupid stuff, so sunday was really awkward, she is still being fairly nice but i can tell shes pissed off.

OP posts:
tribpot · 14/12/2015 09:33

Not sure her state of mind is particularly relevant any more, is it? Key thing is what steps you are taking to end this toxic relationship.

shoeaddict83 · 14/12/2015 09:34

so what if shes pissed off? Youve been upset, pissed off and emotionally abused and pulled from pillar to post for weeks - why does her being pissed off matter?? You need to start ending this, it isnt healthy for either of you and even less so with a child in the middle of it all who probably hasnt got a clue what to think. Did you Lock that bedroom yet?

inlectorecumbit · 14/12/2015 09:38

who really cares if she is pissed off-you should be pissed off over her treatment of you.
Xmas is next week, NY the year after, set yourself a plan and start 2016 as a free agent. Stop financing her live as a single person in the house, as much as you love her kids leave the childcare up to her to sort out. Maybe then she will get the message.

Original poster
pirate13 · 14/12/2015 11:22

Maybe i should get a plenty of fish account!!
Going to get xmas out of the way and if she still refuses to leave im going to have to get my own place. I don't want to leave the house but I can't see that I have much option now she says she isn't going anywhere.

OP posts:
Sansoora · 14/12/2015 11:34

I dont believe for a minute you'll do anything about the situation you're in. This thread is nothing more than a diversion for you till things blow over so you come here and touch base then go about your day till you need to post again.

shoeaddict83 · 14/12/2015 11:47

She wont have much choice once you leave and stop paying rent! its not up to her to stay, you can tell the landlord shes staying give your notice and stop paying once its up, if she wants to take the lease on then fine but you dont have to pay for her! her son is not yours so you have no PR to have to provide a roof over his head - thats his dads responsibility.

You really think spending xmas together her pretending your happy families waiting for her chance to leave with the next available guy is the right way to go? Its your choice and obviously your life, but to me thats giving her the green light to continue to treat you like shit and you're just accepting it. You really want to share a bed with this woman for the next few weeks? I know i wouldnt! The least is tell her your getting xmas out the way BUT that she is not sleeping in the same bed and that you are not changing your mind about leaving so she needs to sort her finances/situation out to be prepared for the changes. Spell it out to her coz im sorry to say it sounds like you are completely pussy-footing around this entire situation at the moment, moaning about it but not wanting to do anything about it!

hellsbellsmelons · 14/12/2015 11:47

That's very harsh.
He's come a long way already.

OP you do what you need to do to get through Christmas.
You have plainly explained why you need to remain there until then.
Try detaching from her until then.
No sharing cooking or cleaning etc.... Let her get on with things that she will need to do once you leave.
She can't afford the place on her own and so put your notice in with the LL and tell her how long she's got until it's time to move out as she will need to find somewhere else.
Maybe explain the situation to your LL. Both move out, you move in with your dad for a day and once she's gone move back in again?
Do you know your LL well enough to be able to pull this off?

Original poster
pirate13 · 14/12/2015 12:22

I know the LL fairly well I do all the maintenence on the house for them. It might be worth a try.
If she did stay I would haver to get my dad off of being guarantor also. I don't want him getting into any bother because she can't pay the rent.
I'm learning to detach. Its not that easy when you have to share a space but when she finishes work at the end of the week I can get out more.
I agree that I am pussy footing around a bit. But I really want xmas to be good for my son and my step kids. If I can keep the situation calm til then i don't think that's a bad thing.
I'm not waiting for her to leave anymore. I have to be more practical about that now so I know that it might have to be me that leaves and I am ok with that but it still means I need a bed for my son at Christmas

OP posts:
tribpot · 14/12/2015 12:27

Could you make an appointment with a solicitor this side of Christmas, i.e. make it even if the appointment itself is in January? At least that way you've managed to do something before everything goes on hold.

What is likely to happen after Christmas is that you realise that if you tell her the marriage is over straight after, she will forever after accuse you of having a sham Christmas and thus ruining it. If you do it before Christmas, she will forever after accuse you of having ruined Christmas. You will lose your bottle again and think you should wait a bit so it's not so close to Christmas. Then it'll be Valentine's Day and you think you can't do it around then either.

You need to stop caring what she thinks or when this might be convenient for her, and get the hell on with it. I appreciate that this close to Christmas is now a bit rough (although your sister's been advising you for weeks to get her told).

I do think a word with your landlord is in order. Can you move into your dad's? Remember, she only wants to stay because you want to stay more. You may have to be prepared to sacrifice the house to get what you really need, which is a clean break from this woman.

tribpot · 14/12/2015 12:30

Cross-posted with you. Your dad as her guarantor is not an option. Your tenancy will end, it's up to the landlord if he wants to sign with her rather than find another tenant. Not. Your. Problem.

Joysmum · 14/12/2015 12:35

She wont have much choice once you leave and stop paying rent! its not up to her to stay, you can tell the landlord shes staying give your notice and stop paying once its up, if she wants to take the lease on then fine but you dont have to pay for her!

That's very poor advice if a condition of the tenancy requires vacanted possession and the wife has not had agreement to the tenancy being transferred to her sole name. If she stays, the tenancy is not ended as the vacant possession clause has not been fulfilled. Unless vacant possession is given in those circumstances, joint tenants remain liable until the tenancy has ended

It may well be beneficial to discuss this possibly with the landlord and see if the tenancy can be transferred to sole name of the wife, or for a section 21 (as its a rolling tenancy) to begin the process of regaining the property ASAP and reducing risk and the time the OP is exposed to his obligations until the tenancy is ended.

Joysmum · 14/12/2015 12:36

X posted.

Speak to your landlord re vacant possession and your obligations Wink

shoeaddict83 · 14/12/2015 12:53

he said it was in his name not joint? Thats where i was coming from, if it was a joint tenancy then its totally different but shes not named on the lease from what he wrote before?

shoeaddict83 · 14/12/2015 12:59

And to add i am speaking from experience not trying to give bad advice!! Me and my ex rented but was in his sole name, we split up (mutually agreed), and he wanted to move closer to his job (he commuted daily) and i decided id rather stay in the house, he gave his notice and i had to approach the letting agency and apply as if i was a brand new renter as they had to do full credit check on me, take a deposit and return his, and start fresh tenancy agreement. Living there for 3 years and paying 1/2 rent to my ex counted for nothing. So that was where i was coming from, perhaps badly worded but ive been there and i had absolutely no rights to just stay and continue paying rent it all had to be done legally.

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