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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think she going to leave for her ex

439 replies

pirate13 · 03/12/2015 17:43

My wife and i have been together for 3 years married almost 2
she has 2 children, 3 and 6, and i have one, 6 also

our relationship started great but lately all we seem to do is argue about stupid things.
The two 6 year old fight alot, moneys tight etc

the other night, the day after another stupid row, we were watching telly and i knew something was up, so in the morning i looked at her phone ( i know, silly thing to do) and found that she was texting her ex things like, "you are the only one that really knows me" and "it should be you bathing the kids" to which he replied that they should "wait and see what happens"
(She had had a few drinks that evening) I think its the first time shes ever spoken like this to him but i cant be sure.

I got really upset and had to say something, so i did, and she just started shouting about me being insecure and that she was thinking of giving it another go with him, but wasn't sure?

last night when she was at work her eldest told me he was going to miss me and his friends as they were moving back to daddy's but it was a secret

i asked her last night what was going on and she said she is going to leave after Christmas, this hurt A LOT, but i kept my cool and just said if that's what she wants then that was that.

She slept in our bed (odd i thought) and this morning she is her usual self, chatting about a birthday party we are doing at the weekend, her eldests which the ex will be attending!

I REALLY don't want them to leave, i love the kids and her so much, i know i am not perfect but i am willing to do whatever it takes to keep them and build a better marriage but i think it may be too late. But like my friend says, shes not gone yet and why wait till after Christmas, why does she not want to spend it with him and the kids?

I know women are very good at detaching themselves from a relationship even when still living together, but is there anything i can do to change her mind, i'm just trying to play it cool at the moment, act normal, be nice, in the hope that she realizes what she may be losing.

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 16/12/2015 18:52

Trust me it's real. I'm living it Sad
and i and most definitely male.
I don't mind anyone's opinions. Honestly. I know what i have to do, but it's not thsy easy.
The thing that's bugging me most atm is why she's giving up work. I'm almost certain now that her ex doesn't want her back but he might still be willing to support her. But why want to stay here. There are plenty of places to rent near by. And like I said I'd even pay a deposit for her. I just don't get it.

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 16/12/2015 18:53

Sorry please excuse the typos

OP posts:
Lweji · 16/12/2015 19:07

Could she have been sacked?

Original poster
pirate13 · 16/12/2015 19:16

I doubt it very much

OP posts:
tribpot · 16/12/2015 20:24

You don't think she gets a better standard of living if she's with you, than on benefits in another place on her own?

Original poster
pirate13 · 16/12/2015 20:34

Possibly. But we can't carry on like this. It's insane. It would take some sort of miracle to come back from what's gone on. She must know that.

OP posts:
bessiebumptious2 · 16/12/2015 20:45

pirate I absolutely guarantee that if you start getting assertive and firmly tell her what is happening to both your futures, she will have the shock to the system that she needs. Be "the worm that turned" here. If you don't, you will be walked over and raked over the coals, whether that is now or in 6, 16 or 26 years time. She will hurt you even more than you're hurting now.

Do yourself a favour. She's with you because it makes her life easier at the moment. If she cared about her children she wouldn't be involving them. She cares about No.1.

Joysmum · 16/12/2015 23:00

magoria has already told you why she's giving up work. Go back and re-read her post.

mistletoeandwine73 · 16/12/2015 23:31

Hope you are Ok after tonight Pirate13. It may take time but it seems you will be way better off without her. she is so wrong to involve a 6 year old, he will be feeling terrible, and will continue to do so after they are gone, he is clearly already upset about it. It also doesn't make sense that if she really intends to go, then why not as soon at the kids break up, giving them maximum time to make new friends in the area and settle before starting a new school, the holiday is only 2 weeks anyway. She seems incredibly self centred to me, I'm sad and sorry for you and the children

Atenco · 17/12/2015 06:12

Just read this thread and I think you have come great strides since you started it, pirate, but don't take your eye off the ball.

Original poster
pirate13 · 17/12/2015 08:25

I have read through magorias post again and i do agree that she obviously has a plan, but we really don't have any assets, no savings, a rented house, the car isn't worth much. so i don't understand what she would want.

Last night went ok, no arguments and she slept in a different bed. Smile

She is going to go to her mums xmas day, so thats good, and i have decided to not have my son over the period as i really want him to enjoy it and don't think our house is the best place for that right now Sad
it wasn't an easy decision but i think its for the best.

Oh and her son told me that they weren't moving to daddys now because daddy doesn't want them living there, i didn't ask or anything before you start having a go, i was putting him to bed and he just told me.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 17/12/2015 09:03

I think many here who have been harsh with pirate may have missed that his wife has been physically abusive to him on several occasions and verbally and emotionally abusive pretty much all the time, from what I can see.

We all know how difficult it is to leave an abuser, and although op is in a fairly strong legal and practical position, it doesn't make the emotional side any easier.

pirate I think you have made the right decision about Xmas and it is another example of you putting your Dc's happiness above your own, unlike your wife.

Can you arrange to spend Xmas day and boxing day with your dad, or your sister maybe?

shoeaddict83 · 17/12/2015 09:29

pirate really pleased to read about the changes you are making. You have made a very brave decision about xmas day and i commend you for putting your little boy first - something your wife could clearly learn from.

I hope you can spend xmas with family yourself and look forward to a better 2016 starting fresh away from this relationship. its good to hear she has also moved into a different bed - a small step maybe but after her point blank refusals previously this is a good step in the right direction.
you're doing so well! Smile
Did you meet with your solicitor yet as i believe you said before you had set up a meeting? just wondering what advise they gave you?

Original poster
pirate13 · 17/12/2015 17:37

I think she's stopped doing my laundry. Hasn't said so but found it in the kitchen hamper!

Got the appointment tomorrow shoeaddict83 but from what she said last time on the phone I can't see much more will be done apart from get it all in writing. Sort of start the process formally but as another poster suggested in not going to tell her yet.

OP posts:
Atenco · 17/12/2015 19:31

As you are obviously in an abusive relationship, pirate, let me ask have you been seeing less of your friends lately? It is generally a characteristic of these relationships, that one way or another the abuser cuts you off from friends and family. Anyway, you don't have to answer that but it is a good idea to keep up with your friendships and, this is when you need them.

Original poster
pirate13 · 17/12/2015 19:50

i never felt comfortable going out, not for more than half an hour anyway, tbh i don't feel like i have anyone to talk to, i guess thats why i'm here!
i text my sister but i think she is getting tired of hearing it, i don't blame her!

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 17/12/2015 19:54

i'm supposed to be going out next week to see a friend but i don't know if i should, shes being nice again (kind of) at the moment and i don't want to mess that up before xmas as i'm off work and we will be in each others company for about a week Confused

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 17/12/2015 20:01

You no longer have to live your life to please her. please go out next week, it would do you a lot of good to see a friend in RL. I am unsure as to why going out should upset your W. You are separating and it is no longer any of her concern where you are going. It's a need to know basis and she doesn't need to know.
Just go..oh and just do your own laundry, don't comment on it not being done as thids is probably what she expects

pocketsaviour · 17/12/2015 21:35

Of course you should go and see your friend. It's none of her bloody business and even if she wasn't treating you so badly, it still wouldn't be!

Healthy relationships sustain outside friendships, they don't put pressure on to have the relationship fulfill all of both partners social needs. That is not a healthy set up.

Atenco · 18/12/2015 14:00

Oh yes, it facilitates the abuse to have you cut off from your friends. Now you need to start building your friendship base up again. And yes, do your own laundry, you are separately so you might as well get used to it.

Original poster
pirate13 · 18/12/2015 22:28

Ok. So supposedly we are playing happy families this weekend, meals going to be cooked. Things done together with kids. I've been told the whole itinerary!
I really don't get it. One minute she can't even seem to look at me. The next she want to arrange a whole bloody weekend of activities. Don't get me wrong I love spending time with the kids. But ffs its like two steps forward one back Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
pirate13 · 18/12/2015 22:35

It's like she just ignoring me. She knows what she's done. But she doesn't care. She thinks I'll be there whatever. Well. We'll see.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 18/12/2015 23:34

She is reeling you back in. Make some of your own plans for the weekend-whatever you do don't fall in with her plans and play happy families.
She probably is panicking now she knows you are serious and she has run out of options.
Please don't do this, it is not fair on you or the DC's--they are getting mixed messages, much as you love them you have to take a step back

tribpot · 19/12/2015 07:02

So you're playing happy families with your step-children but you don't feel you can invite your own child to be with you because you never know when the atmosphere is going to change? I think that tells you plenty about the role you are expected to perform.

I'm not sure why you're surprised by this - she's been rejected by the guy she actually wants to be with, she knows that you are pulling away from her as well. She has no intention of standing on her own two feet and paying her way through life, so she has to reel you back in if she wants to avoid that.

What did your solicitor say yesterday?

CreepingDogFart · 19/12/2015 07:56

LTB