DH was being blackmailed and no I don't know what to do.

[TheCunnyFunt]

This is going to be long...

It all came out on sunday morning, he took DD to his mums and when he came back he told me he was being blackmailed and he didn't know what to do. He said that he'd slept with someone years ago (while he was with me) and the woman was blackmailing him for money, threatening to tell me everything if he didn't cough up.

It transpired that the woman was actually my best friend at the time (we haven't spoken in a few years now) and he'd slept with her more than once, and she has been blackmailing him for most of our relationship (9 years). He'd finally had enough when she asked him to be a guarantor on a house and pay £700 for bond and first months rent. He couldn't give in to her anymore so he broke down and told me everything. Over the years she has had several hundred pounds out of him, maybe even thousands. He doesn't actually know.

He's been to the police and they've called her and told her that if she ever contacts DH, me or my mum (she was threatening to tell my mum too) ever again that she'll be taken straight to crown court and prosecuted for harassment and blackmail.

I think the one thing that hurts the most is that she had a really shit home life, her mum was awful and abusive. Me and my mum took her in for weeks at a time, our home was her home. She even lived with us for a few months when she got pregnant at 15 and her mum kicked her out. How could she do this to me?

I'm just totally confused. I'm beyond angry at DH and exBF. But as well as angry at DH, I also feel pity for him. The amount of stress he has been under for all these years.

On one hand, He obviously wanted to stay with me otherwise he wouldn't have kept paying up to keep her quiet.
But on the other hand, if he liked/loved me that much all those years ago he wouldn't have shagged my best friend in the first place.

I just don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to split up, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. My head is saying that he's more than paid for it by spending all that money and the pressure he's been under for all these years, but my heart is saying ouch.

How am I meant to know who her babys father is? Haven't I said we haven't spoken in a couple of years or am I talking to myself here?

Of course you're not expected to know who the baby's father is...and one would hope it's her current partner (if she has one, I can't remember..) but the thing is, after the revelations from your husband about the sex and the "blackmail" I think anyone (you, in the first place I imagine) would have that nagging suspicion that it might just be his baby as well, that the money, as many have said, could well have been given voluntarily because they were thinking of setting up home together, and at the last minute he bottled it, she threatened to tell you, and lo the story of "blackmail" was born.

Until you can get hold of more concrete proof either way, that would be the "if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck, not a zebra" scenario, whilst the sex twice then blackmail for N amount of years is a bit more zebra-like.

Definitely him coming onto her, that's what I reckon.

He offered 'help', she made plans on that basis, he withdrew the offer, she got pissed off.

They're both liars and not worth your time.

No, actually I don't have that suspicion. She has been living out of town for months, maybe even a year or so (I have heard a few things from mutual friends, which is how I know this). And like I said, he hasn't been away long enough to go and visit her apart from when he had jobs on at the weekends (which he often does through the summer) which were all for family or friends who would probably mention that he hadn't been there for a day when he said he would go. And I often rock up at these jobs out of the blue with lunch for him so he wouldn't risk ducking off for a day. The only other times I can think of when he disappeared off shopping for several hours was just before my birthday and he took DD with him to buy presents. She would have been almost 4 and would certainly have mentioned it if they had been elsewhere. She told me all about their shopping trip.

Some of you lot should go and work on soap storylines

And they clearly weren't moving in together. She wanted DH to be a guarantor for her, you can't be a guarantor on your own home.

Plus DH would never rent.

What do you want people to say Cunny?

That it's all the big mean girl who made him do it? His poor wayward dick just fell into her? Then she "blackmailed" him for years until last weekend when (curiously) you have a text proving that he pulled out of something he had planned with her at the last minute?

I'm not going to say it, because I don't think it's true. And I doubt you do, either, not deep down.

Getting arsed off with the people on MN is a bit misdirected tbh.

You are being distracted by details, when the real questions - can you trust your dh? do you want to stay married to him? - are too hard to deal with.

It sounds to me like neither dh and xbf are telling you the truth. Proceed on that basis and decide what you want to do. Trying to see their text messages is just a sideshow. How do you feel? What do you want to do going forward?

It's no wonder people are speculating when there isn't much else to discuss atm. Rather than trying to work out what happened or what your partner wants, I think it would be better to focus on YOU and what you want. aginghippy has made some important points and asked some good questions.

Op
I also imagine that your dh and bf have most likely had a continuous sexual relationship for years.

Whatever is the truth, your dh has shown that he's not to be trusted anyway, so do you really want to continue in a marriage with a man who doesn't respect you?

Also, I may be wrong, but because you've contacted this woman yourself, you've probably made the warning she's had from the police now void

i can understand that these revelations have 'body-slammed' you into a state of shock, such deep shock that your mind has gone into 'protective/self preservation' mode. That's the only reason i can think of that would make a person act in this kind of naive/minimising manner.

There are two things that you cannot argue with - your logic and your intuition.

Reading your posts it sounds like you are choosing to avoid facing the logic in this and are completely ignoring your intuition.

Your focus is gazing in the wrong direction - it isn't your exbf you should be expending your energy on. She could easily have been some other woman/stranger.

It doesn't matter that you and her drifted apart, or that she moved away ages ago, or had a controlling dp who watched her every move, or that she has mental health issues that make her act/speak in certain ways....because despite all this somehow she and your husband managed to keep in regular enough contact over the years to build this dynamic between them - whether it was an affair/fuck buddies/frenemies or whatever, it was a 'strong' enough 'relationship' that has lasted all this time- without your knowledge.
People change their phone numbers all the time - esp over a span of 9 years so how did they manage to always have each other's correct number? How is it that your husband never blocked her number so she could not contact him? Just like now, even back then it would have been her word against his. so after he 'grew up' into an 'intelligent' adult how is it that he never sought ANY kind of help from ANYWHERE to put a stop to it?

I simply don't believe that your husband is a shy, timid, unconfident man who scares easily....i mean, by now a lot of men (who genuinely loved and respected their partner) would be shit scared of what's come to light and would be trying to move heaven and earth to work through this with their partner - openly and honestly. Your husband isn't doing that.
Neither of them are telling you even half the truth let alone the full truth - your husband seems to have (very conveniently) dodged his way out of giving you cold hard facts and details - like hell a person wouldn't remember 'how much' and 'how often' sex/exchanges of money took place - esp in the context of the situation he's painting it as!
Have you noticed how both of them have only produced the latest texts which serve their respective stories - and yet despite their 'regular' enough contact neither of them can show you any other texts that would show you HOW they interacted/spoke to each other, HOW OFTEN and WHAT ABOUT?

Men who want to cheat will ALWAYS find a way of doing so. I bet he knows your schedule/routine/habits well enough to know how he can use them to his advantage. I bet he also knows how to use his intuition to avoid getting caught red handed by you, and also to get around you finding out things he doesn't want you to know - just look at how well he covered this 'situation' up. Did you ask the friends/family members at the time if he really was there all day working? Cos if you didn't then you don't actually know if he WAS on the occasions that you didn't 'rock up with lunch'...and people do not volunteer that kind of information if the person in question makes out they got other things/places to be.

Where is your anger at your 'd'h? How is it that he gets away with treating this like a 'blip' on the radar, something he can throw some fake sincerity at - and then make a pathetic gesture of 'sacrifice' (re his trip away with 'the lads') ? Something that YOU had to bring up by the way. A REAL man, who felt REAL remorse, REAL regret, REAL shame - would not be prioritizing or assuming they would still be going ahead with a 'boys trip'. As for him insinuating that he will lose/waste money on it - well it certainly didn't feel that way when giving exbf 'lots' of money....

I can understand that being 'childhood sweethearts' has created a stronger attachment for you in a sense. I can also understand that you could be feeling a fear of the 'unknown' having never been without him, and also because of your SAHM position...but i really think you need to find your self respect and self worth. Because if you don't give those to yourself then he certainly never will - not genuinely anyway.

DontMindMe1 You put the words that I had thought about.
Cunnyfunt Be selfish and take the time for you now.
Sorry I don't know if anyone has said it up thread but maybe its time to be tested.

Posted to soon
Tested for your sexual health.
Sorry

That's an excellent post DontMindMe1.

Hard to believe it took 490 posts before someone came up with the blindingly obvious solution of using a spell caster

She has put that post on other threads besides this one

It's reported, anyway.

DontMindMe1 absolutely nails it. Please listen to her, OP.

I know the trolls are annoying, especially on serious threads like this, but please try not to feed them

< hard stare >

tribpot sorry that post did make me LOL!

Why the fuck would he have saved your friend's number under a man's name?

So you wouldn't find out he was messaging her.

Cunny, only you can make this decision, about what you think and what you should do. .

Put down the pros and cons each side, and work through the consequences.

Then do a little role play. Cast your mind forward 5 years. Will you massively regret decision a? Or b? What will you have lost, or gained?

Your instinct on the latter will be good.

But whatever your decision, you will have to work at it.

Cunny, I would take the time to sort out that cupboard with the financial records in it if I were you. You need to see how much money was involved, and when. You might even see if there are any coincidences with dates that might help you understand what was happening.

I don't think that the lovely Cunny will be back to this thread. I only hope it's because she has decided on a path n is happily marching down it. Good luck, Cunny .