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Original poster

DH was being blackmailed and no I don't know what to do.

500 replies

TheCunnyFunt · 01/12/2015 13:48

This is going to be long...

It all came out on sunday morning, he took DD to his mums and when he came back he told me he was being blackmailed and he didn't know what to do. He said that he'd slept with someone years ago (while he was with me) and the woman was blackmailing him for money, threatening to tell me everything if he didn't cough up.

It transpired that the woman was actually my best friend at the time (we haven't spoken in a few years now) and he'd slept with her more than once, and she has been blackmailing him for most of our relationship (9 years). He'd finally had enough when she asked him to be a guarantor on a house and pay £700 for bond and first months rent. He couldn't give in to her anymore so he broke down and told me everything. Over the years she has had several hundred pounds out of him, maybe even thousands. He doesn't actually know.

He's been to the police and they've called her and told her that if she ever contacts DH, me or my mum (she was threatening to tell my mum too) ever again that she'll be taken straight to crown court and prosecuted for harassment and blackmail.

I think the one thing that hurts the most is that she had a really shit home life, her mum was awful and abusive. Me and my mum took her in for weeks at a time, our home was her home. She even lived with us for a few months when she got pregnant at 15 and her mum kicked her out. How could she do this to me?

I'm just totally confused. I'm beyond angry at DH and exBF. But as well as angry at DH, I also feel pity for him. The amount of stress he has been under for all these years.

On one hand, He obviously wanted to stay with me otherwise he wouldn't have kept paying up to keep her quiet.
But on the other hand, if he liked/loved me that much all those years ago he wouldn't have shagged my best friend in the first place.

I just don't know what to do. I love him and I don't want to split up, but I don't know if I can ever forgive him for this. My head is saying that he's more than paid for it by spending all that money and the pressure he's been under for all these years, but my heart is saying ouch.

OP posts:
sinber · 08/12/2015 11:09

I wonder if she's just trying to make herself look better, now there's no more money to be had.

They're both untrustworthy, take your pick as to who you believe.

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 08/12/2015 11:14

Quick message to say, my theory is that he assumed that if she told me, she would make it out to be much worse than it was (she does have form for this, we were BF's for 10 years, I know how her mind works) so instead of her doing that, he made out it was worse than it really was. Honestly, when I C&P the messages off her it'll be a lightbulb moment.

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 08/12/2015 11:20

Oh Cunny. That revelation must have been gut wrenching for you. To be betrayed by the 2 people you should be able to trust in the whole world. I can't imagine how much that hurtsFlowers.
I can't offer him any pity op. You're the victim here. You're the one who was cheated on. Had he noit strayed he would not have been in this situation. He had a perfectly good kind loving girlfriend or wife at the time your goodself. It was his decision to shag the slapper. Certainly not yours.
Pair of snakes. The 2 of them. Mind you snakes wouldn't behave like that.

anonacfr · 08/12/2015 11:23

He's finally admitted the cheating and blackmail and instead of giving you the truth you deserve he's still playing games and making up an affair on the off chance that she will?

OP I don't want to be mean but it really doesn't sound good.
If it was a drunken ONS when you were teenagers on a break he could have come to you as soon as she started blackmailing him and told you the truth.
He doesn't do that and then pays her off for a decade? Hmm

Lweji · 08/12/2015 11:25

If you knew she was blackmailing him and you knew she has form for exaggerating things (lying?), surely he could have just told you she was lying about the whole thing or just admit to the once. Why even admit to you they had slept together ever?

Odd...

Stormtreader · 08/12/2015 11:27

"If you don't pay me hundreds of pounds, then I'll tell her AND her mum that we slept together once while you guys were on a break!"

Does that sound like a blackmail-worthy threat to you?

Thisismyfirsttime · 08/12/2015 11:29

Why on Earth would he do that? It makes no sense at all!

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 08/12/2015 11:32

Also he broke down crying not because of guilt and upset for how he'd betrayed you. If that were the case. He would have told you the night it happened and spent the whole of your relationship making it up to you. No he broke down because of that bitch blackmailing him. Which of course is certainly no small thing and I'm glad he's bringing charges. Thats one thing I will say. In his defence. But do you think for one minute. Hed have broke down crying had she not been threatening him. No that would have been a secret brushed under the carpet.

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 08/12/2015 12:28

Messages are here, any bits in bold are my comments.-
Him ringing the police was ridiculous. Because he was trying to see me all the time and he said he would lend me some money. Then he got weird and nasty and went to the police. Because I said u deserve to know what he's been upto. He's weird and you can do better. It was him perusing me for years. You know I have no interest in him and I want no trouble. I've got a baby coming soon and am under alot of stress. I just asked his help as a friend that's all. I know all you did for me and I appreciated it so much I still do.

Basically he messaged me a few weeks ago asking how I am etc. I said having a tough time struggling with housing etc. He said he would help me. Then changed his mind and went weird. So I said I'm going to tell [name removed by MNHQ] what you've been upto. (Messaging me etc) and he went to the police lol saying I was apparently blackmailing him. Ridiculous. And that's it. The police said just don't speak to him again and I won't. No interest in him whatsoever.

I deleted all the messages between us and everything. Was mainly him being rude etc. Get him to show you if he hasn't deleted them.

Hmm weird! Was basically him just being rude etc. I'd just keep a close eye on him if I was you.. I'm sure I'm not the only one he's tried it with.. wish I'd kept the messages but im just not bothered about it all.. he's all yours lol I don't want him.

Yes him being rude.. I got rid of the lot.. I don't know if I can get them back do you?

Yes I would. I told him I was going to tell you what he had been upto as you deserve to know. so he obviously shat himself and went to the police. As if they can do anything. He's a snake.

You should know id never go with someone like him I've got better taste. No offence. Plus he's with you.

Why what's he said? What reason would I have to lie? He has every reason.

Yes that was years ago when they did sleep together he said you was on a break?! Blackmailing? He's pathetic.

Was so long ago but im almost certain it was just the once.. twice tops. In one night. I was drunk else wouldn't of done it and I hope you can forgive me. But he's the one in the wrong as he said you wasn't together at the time! That's obviously why he didn't want me to tell you.. but the rude messages etc have been carrying on (from him) for years.

And it was always him contacting me. And he offered to help me out. So he can't lay the blame on me im single he's the married man.

Exactly! I wouldn't! Just tell him you know the truth and will be keeping a close eye on him. I've deleted his number after he rang the police so won't be speaking to the snake again.

Good. Yes I don't blame you. He has no respect for you whatsoever and like I said before if he's trying to get with me all the time who else is he doing it too.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 08/12/2015 12:30

So there you have it, that's everything she's said about it.

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 08/12/2015 12:35

He's is right to go to the police, Cunny. As blackmail and harassment is a criminal act so little miss I shagged my best friend's husband. Could find herself behing bars.

shoeaddict83 · 08/12/2015 12:46

Still doesnt add up - if she really believes she was not blackmailing him (as she says multiple times in those texts) and that he was offering her money to help - then she would not have said 'ok mr policeman i wont contact him again' and taken it on the chin, she would have argued back that she was NOT blackmailing him and told them he was actually harassing her for years as she states to you in those texts. this smacks of your friend laying all t he blame on him and trying to worm out of it by changing the story to suit you - which you have already told us she is known to do!! So why are you believing her? They are both at fault her and neither are worth your time as clearly the entire truth still hasnt come from either of them.

ButtonMoon88 · 08/12/2015 12:54

Ok so let me get this straight he said to you originally that it was an ongoing affair at the beginning of your relationship but to keep her quiet he paid her money several times over the years.

She said it was a ONS and only mentioned payment once in her messages.

Is anyone else mega confused?

Has he been paying for sex? That would explain the missing money.

Why would he say affair if it was one drunken fling? That makes no sense

ButtonMoon88 · 08/12/2015 13:02

They are both lying and i am not sure you will ever get to the bottom of this my brain is frazzled so goodness knows how you are feeling OP, sending you best wishes!

Original poster
TheCunnyFunt · 08/12/2015 13:03

She has high risk pregnancies so the last thing she wants to do now she's pregnant is to turn it all around on him and report it and all the stuff that comes after that.

I'm not aware of any money gone missing. I said upthread I don't and have never kept tabs on his bank account.

OP posts:
ButtonMoon88 · 08/12/2015 13:05

Re money No I know that cunny, it was just a suggestion as to why he may of tried to make this out as an on going thing aswell as explain the odd £200 going missing

pocketsaviour · 08/12/2015 13:09

OP did you say you had seen one message from her which he had saved? Did the wording of that text fit with what she has now told you?

I think you should try to retrieve his texts asap. She has certainly cast significant doubt on his story. If she was lying I would have expected her to say she'd been banging him on the regular.

When she says "rude messages" does she mean sexting?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 08/12/2015 13:32

Cunny Flowers for you. It's all a massive big mess. I have no idea how you would know which version to trust

Lweji · 08/12/2015 13:34

For some reason I believe her more than him. Although she may have blackmailed him now because she needed the money, I find it hard to believe that it has lasted this long over a one night stand when you were supposedly on a break.
More likely that he has pursued her sensing her vulnerability. You know her. You know she exaggerates things. And you know him.

You will need to decide whether you trust him or not. What is your gut feeling?

Whenischristmas · 08/12/2015 13:41

Her version makes sense. They slept together (not clear how many times,) he kept contacting her for more and he offered to help her by giving her money.

She wasn't really interested but accepted the money. He got angry when he realised he wasn't getting anywhere.

Difficult for you op.

NameChange30 · 08/12/2015 14:39

"I've got better taste. No offence." Grin

Seriously though, I agree with PPs that her version makes more sense than his. Although the fact that they've both deleted all the messages is a little too convenient for them, IMO. If he was serious about reporting her for blackmail, he would have kept the messages as proof.

Either way, one or both of them is lying, he has definitely cheated on you. It's not good. Ex friend is right about at least one thing: you're too good for him.

NettleTea · 08/12/2015 14:48

It sounds as if he has been trying for reruns of the ONS since it happened and that it were just this last time that he offered her money, that she hasnt had any before, because he thought that if he gave her the money she needed for the house problem, but then because she didnt recipricate the gift, he got all funny and concocted the blackmail story to put OP off the scent of what the friend was going to do (ie tell her about the ongoing harrassment)

sadwidow28 · 08/12/2015 15:27

I also understood 'rude messages' to mean sexting. That in itself would be highly damaging to the Cunny's relationship with her DH, particularly as the exBF alleges that they have been going on for years.

ExBF also says: he's trying to get with me all the time and I'm sure I'm not the only one he's tried it with - so not just sexting but propositioning her for something more.

I think this is how recent events have gone:

  • He contacted her to see how she was doing
  • She said she was worried over housing
  • He offered to lend her some money
  • But then he got all weird (I don't understand that - why?/how?)
  • She threatens to tell Cunny about the ONS and the years of sexting/propositioning
  • He contacts police alleging years of blackmail for an affair (not a ONS)
  • He tells Cunny the same story he told police
  • ExBF says that the suggestion she was blackmailing him is ridiculous because he has been pursuing her for years.
FantasticButtocks · 08/12/2015 15:29

If he'd actually been being blackmailed for years, surely he'd have kept her messages to show to the police as evidence? They both sound rather grubby and unpleasant.

LIZS · 08/12/2015 15:41

From that , assuming it is entirely true, it sounds more like he was blackmailing/abusing her ie. I'll bail you out if ..... He's playing the victim to deflect the blame. Is he really worth it?